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Fox earns our love for returning Pacey Witter to television. Sort of.

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Well, we THOUGHT Fox would bring it this year.

But apparently, they think they have so much on the go with, um, Bones and, uh, that show with the guy, that half their new shows are mid-season replacements. Maybe they’re smart to hold back, though. Somehow, we don’t think Secret Millionaire or Hole in the Wall were designed to be around for very long.

But the same could be said for Prison Break. A show which became obsolete after that first season when they, you know, broke out of prison. And no, we don’t care about Sarah and Michael or anybody. Is the guy named T-bag still on? He was kind of funny. We think. The Sarah Connor Chronicles were, surprisingly, not cancelled last year. And we’re pretty sure Ms. Connor and all the Terminators involved can thank the writer’s strike for that. The rest of Fox’s shows are either so amazingly bad (Til Death? Really? For real? Still on?) or so glaringly old (The Simpsons wears an onion on its belt) that we kind of worry about Fox’s future.

But Fringe and Dollhouse are two of the most promising shows of the entire season, so we’re giving them a bit of a break. And there are still other shows on this network that we watch. We’ll no doubt continue tuning in to House because we love crusty bastards and there’s noone crustier or bastardier than House. Except for maybe Gordon Ramsay, but we generally watch Kitchen Nightmares on the Food Network, where he’s allowed to swear with much more vehemence and frequency.

We suppose as along as there are tweaked out meth-heads getting arrested in wife beaters, dangerous criminals on the run from the law and John Walsh, and Paula Abdul scamming on some acne-riddled, tone-deaf wannabe pop-star, Fox will have a place in the American television landscape.

Fox, we salute your committment to sparkle motion. Read on for our assessment of Fox’s new shows.

FringeAn FBI agent is forced to work with an institutionalized scientist and his estranged son in order to rationalize a brewing storm of unexplained phenomena. (Tuesdays)

Jess: JJ Abrams is the deadbeat dad of television. He runs all over town creating shows and then one day he goes out to get cigarettes and never comes back. People tried to warn me about Abrams, but I didn’t listen and I got sucked into Lost. Now I haven nothing but a frozen donkey wheel and bitter regrets. Watch this for a year, maybe two, and get out while you still can. He’s sure to leave the show in the hands of the guy who did Walker: Texas Ranger and before you know it, everything will be coming up hatches and Pacey will be a huge douche and you’ll suffer through a drawn out love hexagon. Don’t make my mistake.

Salome: I want to like this so hard, but JJ Abrams, all you do is hurt.  Fool me three million times…

Tanis: This show features some of my favourite things. Like Pacey. And Lt. Daniels. And X-File-ish themes of conspiracy. Also: mysterious plane crashes. WAIT A MINUTE! That sounds sickeningly familiar! Come on, Abrams! You’re kidding me with this shit, right? Please either stick to movies, or get some fuckin’ Ritalin or something. Stop abandoning shows a season after you start them. Goddam. It’s not like this is a new phenomenon. See Carter, Chris and Whedon, Joss for more evidence of how starting a new show before you’re finished with the first one brings about the law of diminishing returns.

Dollhouse - A futuristic laboratory assigns different tasks to its various residents, who then have their memories erased upon the completion of their assignments. (Mid-season replacement)

Tanis: Speaking of Joss Whedon. I hope we learned our lesson. Let’s just have this be as awesome as I hope it will be with a longer shelf life than Firefly. Maybe the network owes him after that. But apparently, they don’t owe him enough to have this come on in the fall, because it’s a mid-season replacement deal. But that’s good, because by that time, Fringe will likely be cancelled and I can concentrate on making sweet, sweet love to Tahmoh Penikett with my mind instead of watching my beautiful Sayid play second fiddle to Jack on Lost. You know what’s interesting about that guy? He’s a huge douche.

Salome: This sounds like the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.  But then again, a show about a teenage girl killing vampires or a western set in the future AND in space sound unlikely and I love both of them from the bottom of my black, black three-sizes-too-small heart. PS: Needz moar Fillion. Crud Bonemeal is cute and all, but I want Cap’n Tightpants. Wait–Fillion on Fox? What am I saying?! He’s got that show coming up on ABC, thank you very much, where maybe–just maybe–he’ll be appreciated!!11! Ahem.

Jess: Fuck yes. Joss. Hot guys doing stuff. Hot ladies kicking ass. What more could you possibly want in a show? If Tahmoh Penikett loses his shirt a lot this will be the greatest work of art the 21st Century has so far produced. If he loses his pants, move over Guernica. This is probably the only new series I’m honestly excited about. Because of that and because it’s Joss and Fox, I’m already polishing up my cancellation empty threats. What would this make it? Five times? Eight? I don’t know. So many memories. I still hate you Fox, but we both know I’ll always come back.

Sit Down, Shut Up – Animated comedy from the producers of Arrested Development (mid-season replacement)

Salome: Must watch.  Come on–what is not to like?

Jess: The power of Arrested Development compels me to watch. I’m not crazy about the look of the animation over the live action backgrounds, but with a cast this good how could it not be funny? I can’t believe it’s only tapped for midseason. Really Fox, you couldn’t give the boot to the comedy death camp that is American Dad? You have no problem canceling good shows.

Tanis: I’m not so sure the clips I saw were funny. They seemed to be taken out of context and know who’s behind this, context is everything. Alright. I’ll watch. But I want you to know, Fox, this is never going to make up for cancelling Arrested Development. The addition of Will Forte is nice, though.

Do Not Disturb – A glamorous New York hotel has a not-so glamorous staff (Wednesdays)

Salome: I really want to like this because hey, I’ve worked in hotels and Niecy Nash is great.  Nash’s character reminds me of women I’ve worked with, but really this seems like a run-of-the-mill sitcom.  And lay off the laugh track, would ya?  I’d like to decide when I laugh on my own and sorry to say, but I didn’t really laugh once.

Tanis: It’s uncanny how Fox always has one shitty sitcom that you can see being cancelled almost immediately. I think this will be the first soldier to drop in the 2008 fall sked. But only because Gary Unmarried had the good graces to be on CBS, the network where bad sitcoms go to rot. Jerry O’Connell makes me sad. He seems like a good guy. He seems like a funny guy. And yet… this. I wonder if his life is like Sliders. He’s accidentally stepped into a world where he makes these horrible script decisions and cannot get back to the reality where he’s making good choices. It should be noted that this was directed by Jason Bateman. Sigh. Why do people I love do things I hate?

Jess: This show is getting terrible buzz and who am I to run against the herd? The clips are about as funny as unidentifiable bodily fluids, bed bugs or finding a corpse in your box spring. Everyone looks embarrassed to be playing stock characters spouting stock lines. The sets aren’t even convincing as a hotel let alone a hip New York one. Jerry O’Connell isn’t convincing as a womanizer. Between this and Carpoolers, O’Connell should be a shoe in for the Ted McGinley Television Angel of Death award.

Secret Millionaire – Wealthy families go undercover in impoverished neighborhoods for ten days, then reveal themselves and give a portion of their fortune to at least one person in the community. (Wednesdays)

Salome: Good people doing good and getting bank?  I’m crying already.

Jess: This looks like a wonderful kind-hearted show that gives money to deserving people. The world would be a better place if we all wanted to see shows like this instead of wanting to watch Tahmoh Penikett undress or people running headlong into foam walls. Every time you watch Secret Millionaire, Oprah gives a car to an angel and they drive around on buttercream clouds. Nope, I’m never going to watch this.

Tanis: You thought I wasn’t rich! But I am! But don’t be mad! I’m here to make you (moderately) rich, too! Everybody loves money! I’m such a heartless bitch. I suppose I should be making a cake of rainbows and smiles and we could all get along like we did in middle school, but it ain’t going to happen.

Hole In The Wall – An Americanized version of a Japanese game show that forces them to quickly maneuver their bodies through strangely-shaped holes in a moving wall. (Thursdays)

Jess: Goddamn I like watching people getting hit with things. I’d forgotten how much I like that. I’d rather watch game shows where people perform stupid stunts than answer elementary school trivia or open briefcases. That said, you’d do better to watch a real Japanese game show on the internet or on TV at 3 am. This just isn’t the same. American game shows have the worst, most face-punchingly smarmy hosts on earth and way too much human interest filler. I don’t care who you are, or what shitballs town you come from, or if you have kids or cancer or cancer of the kids. I don’t want to see you dance or scream or cry. Just hurry up and take a header into that foam wall so I can laugh at your failure.

Salome: FW:  HUMAN TETRIS (PLEASE DON’T DELTE!!!!)

Tanis: I was unaware thate the world needed yet another ripoff game show. Good thing Fox is here to set me straight. I don’t know if human tetris is going to be enough to tempt me. I mean, Japanese game shows make screaming teenage girls wear meat hats to tempt scary lizard creatures. This seems a tad tame in comparison. Though I AM looking forward to the series premiere, which pits sumo wrestlers against jockeys. I love jockeys.

The Cleveland Show – An animated spinoff of Family Guy with Cleveland Brown, Peter’s friend from Family Guy. (Sundays, but it doesn’t air until April)

Salome: It is what it is.  If you’re a fan of the MacFarlane thing, you’ll watch it and if you’re not, you won’t.

Jess: Pop culture reference. Pop culture reference. Pop culture reference. This looks even more dire than American Dad. Pop culture reference, pop culture reference, pop culture reference. Pop culture reference? Pop culture reference. Seth MacFarlane takes a big dump on your face. Pop culture reference. Ironic sexism, pop culture reference.

Tanis:

Stay tuned! Next, we train our ire on NBC and its attempt to revive the careers of talking cars and Christian Slater. We’re not sure which one offends us more.

About Tanis

Badass, smokin' hot and overall nice to come home to.

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