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Category Archives: Boobie Prize

Fat bottom girls, you make the rockin’ world go round.

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That’s truefax.

Freddie Mercury sang that shit and Brian May wrote it and we don’t know anybody who would doubt Queen. Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt (our beloved J.Lo.Hew) recently discovered that Queen speaks the truth.

J.Lo.Hew has ceased Ghost Whispering and started Ghost Shouting From the Rooftops that she loves her body, no matter that she has some cellulite and a large posterior and boobs. Apparently, some paparazzi caught her in a bikini on a beach in Hawaii with her new fiancé. The bikini in question was tiny and it was quite clear from the photos that her posterior and thighs were not. Woe! How dare she appear in public un-airbrushed! The noive!

Rather than hit the gym for two months while drinking nothing but lemon water in an effort to slim down because she is clearly a total Fatty McFatsack who, like, eats without vomiting afterward, J.Lo.Hew instead sent a strongly worded missive to the world at large (no pun intended) via her blog. In it, she declared that a size 2 does not make a person fat, nor does being a size zero make a person beautiful. She urged women with “butts, boobs, hips and a waist” to put on a bikini and enjoy the fuck out of it.

Okay, that part with the swearing was us, but why not wear a bikini, girls? 

Here at Boob Tube, we are none of us perfect. We are, to a woman, taller, shorter, thinner, plumper, wider, flatter, paler, darker and more/less bootylicious than Jennifer Love Hewitt and we frequently swathe our posterior and chestological regions in bikinis for dips in hot tubs, pools, lakes, oceans, streams, inlets, coves and rivers to swim, splash, surf, frolic, sail, paddle, sink, float and, occasionally, if the mood strikes us, belly flop. Sometimes there are dolphins, sometimes there are not. Depends on our mood.

What’s the worst that could happen? Somebody calls us fat? Yawn. Haven’t you heard? It’s no longer cool to look like you don’t eat. Flaunting your healthy body is in. With Nicole Richie and Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears running around looking like food actually passes their lips, fuller figured talents like America Ferrera and Jennifer Hudson showing that happiness and success depend upon more than a dress size, and models booted from the runway for being underweight, the time of the skinny bitch is over. Say what you will about Beyoncé and Jennifer Lopez, but they’ve always looked healthy and, consequently, happy. Get it? Enjoy your life. Eat bread. Have the whipped topping sometimes. Don’t worry how many calories cheese has. Hey, as far as we at Boob Tube are concerned, cheese has zero calories, okay?

Seriously. Life is too short not to wear a bikini. And any mouth-breathing loser at TMZ or ohnotheydidn’t! who suggests otherwise can, ideally, fuck off and die. 

Back to the Ghost Whisperer and her rack/junk-filled trunk. Despite the trowel-applied makeup, high, high hair, ridonkulous wardrobe of mostly lacy nightgowns and borderline stupid and tear-jerkingly treacly plotlines on Ghost Whisperer, we totally think J.Lo.Hew rocks her body in the best possible way. It’s heartening to see an actress on TV who is not preoccupied with her weight to the point of surgery or starving herself. It’s high time people realized that in the real world, breasts tend to come attached to hips, thighs and an ass. It’s called proportion, Hollywood. Look into it.

So for being self-aware, happy, healthy and (mostly) normal in a world that rewards those who are typically none of the above, we award J.Lo.Hew our coveted Boobie Prize. We’ll continue to give out said award to any guy/gal in the TV world who impresses us with their moxie, zazz, gumption, sass and any other old-timey character traits we can think of.

Seriously. Life’s too short to worry about your thighs and their shape or lack thereof, ladies. So in the words of fabulous ditty bopper and Mercury reincarnate Mika, diet coke and a pizza, please! Diet coke, I’m on my knees, screaming big girls, you are beautiful!

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