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My name’s pronounced RICHARDE.

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Everybody’s favourite stupid surfer-dude actor from Veronica Mars and Party Down, Ryan Hansen, has scored the lead in a new NBC pilot, Lovelives. According to the article behind that link, Hansen will play Tim, “an attractive and smart professor of literature at Fordham University.”

Sooo…. they’re casting against type, then? Don’t get us wrong, we loved Ryan as rich, dumb dude Dick Casablancas on Veronica Mars and he was super effective in Party Down, too. But… well, this:

Cassidy splashes Logan and Dick while swimming in the Casablancas pool.
Dick Casablancas: “Don’t make me go all ‘Ordinary People’ on you, Beav.”
Cassidy ‘Beaver’ Casablancas: “The older brother drowns, dumbass.”

And also:

Dick Casablancas: “So what… You’re just going to mope around like the guy in… What’s that book when the guy’s mom dies and he comes back to Jersey? And he’s got that motorcycle sidecar?”
Logan Echolls: “Garden State was never a book.”
Dick Casablancas: “It wasn’t? Oops… So much for that paper.”

Professor of Literature, Dick Casablancas, everybody.

Man, I miss Veronica Mars.

That’ll do, McG. That’ll do.

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Let’s just face facts, guys. NBC is desperate.

Steve Carrell is leaving The Office, Alec Baldwin has announced he’ll be leaving 30 Rock when his contract’s up in 2012 and they spent a lot of money fucking around with their late-night format, the end result being that Conan left, taking the coveted 18-35-year-old demographic with him and leaving Jay Leno to snooze his way through some terrible interviews. Perhaps while tinkering with expensive antique cars.  

So what’s a last-place network to do? Greenlight a zombie/vampire police procedural, of course. Sometimes, it feels like there aren’t enough green lights in the world, you know? Because this is from McG’s production company, Wonderland. That guy. I missed him.  

This makes me think that Babylon Fields, the zombie show Amber Tamblyn was once attached to star in over at CBS (they neglected to pick it up way back in 2007) was merely ahead of its time.  

But this isn’t about CBS not forseeing the vampire/zombie crazy of the late 2000s. This is about how on the ball NBC is. You guys are so smart it’s scary. (But not as scary as zombies! Zing!) Seriously. I often sit back and just marvel at how incredibly well you know the viewing public, who are certainly not experiencing a zombie/vampire tummy ache from consuming too much zombie and vampire-related media.

I humbly await the Team Zombie/Team Vampire t-shirt craze that will surely develop when this thing hits the streets.

Ghost Whisperer goes into the light

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Well, here’s a sentence I never thought I’d be typing: CBS has cancelled Ghost Whisperer!

I’m very emo about this. Right, J.Lo.Hew?

CBS cancelled a lot of shitty shows, actually. And we’re going to take a look at those shows, but first!

Ghost Whisperer, you were a formidable opponent. You were a punchline to many a lazy humour writer who would be like “single cat ladies love watching Ghost Whisperer and eating ice cream on Friday nights, amiright?”

Yes, OK? I am single. And I have cats. And who am I to turn down ice cream? I also would sometimes watch Ghost Whisperer. But I would only enjoy making fun of how TERRIBLE it was.

But seriously. I owe this awful show a debt of gratitude. To this day, the Ghost Whisperer recap entry I wrote about the second season opener where Melinda helps her best friend Andrea cross over to the light is the most accessed post on this site. Sniff. I’m so proud!

Well show, it has been fun. So much fun. Remember when you had Professor Jay Mohr on? And then, when he left, Dr. Jamie Kennedy? And there were all those nightgowns and all that eye makeup and the terrible, terrible over-the-top musical cues (Hi, Mark Snow!) and the glycerine tears. I presume they bought them by the truckload.

So. It is with this gratitude and love that I announce my intention to recap the final episode of this television miracle. It airs Friday. Pray for me, guys! And let’s all toss in a few prayers for an eventual made for TV movie. You know, if they can find the budget for new nightgowns.

Find out what other terrible shows CBS cancelled after the jump!

Read the rest of this entry

Celebrate good times COME ON!

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It’s Conan’s last week on The Tonight Show and he’s going out with a bang.

His contract allegedly gives him $40 million and the opportunity to go work for another network as soon as possible, so long as he no longer makes fun of NBC.

WHATEVER, NBC. YOU ARE TERRIBLE AND YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING YOU GET! ENJOY THE TASTE OF LAST PLACE!

Ahem.

But they didn’t tell Conan he couldn’t sing about how dumb they are. So he broke out into a couple of bars of “Morons! Incompetent morons!” It’s a retro pastiche that will clearly never be a breakaway pop hit, but I like it. It’s got moxie! And zazz!

So now that he’s accepted that this is it, that he will have to give up the Tonight Show so that Jay Leno can return to telling Brokeback Mountain jokes to sleepy red staters, Conan appears to be having a great time sticking it to NBC and being a pain in the network’s ass for the brief time he has left.

There was a huge rally in L.A. the other day and hundreds of fans showed up carrying “I’m with Coco” posters and wearing t-shirts with supportive slogans. I’d imagine it feels pretty good knowing that almost everybody  in the world who is not an NBC executive or Jay Leno is on your side.

Speaking of people who are on Conan’s side, old friend Norm Macdonald dropped by last night to give Conan a card he meant to give him back in June. He read it out loud to hilarious effect. I’ll paraphrase:

“Congrats on finally getting your permanent gig hosting The Tonight Show. That’s something they can never take away. This is one of the shrewdest programming decisions the NBC braintrust has ever made.”

Comedy! That’s how you do it, Jay.

Speaking of schooling the world on how comedy should be, you might remember Norm as THE BEST TALK SHOW GUEST OF ALL TIME because of his appearance on Late Night when he did this:

Last night’s episode was perfect. I don’t think I could have asked for more. Norm, Quentin Tarantino and Spoon. I love Spoon. Some people (Salome) tell me I have a thing for tall, gangly, goofy-lookin’ funny guys with reddish hair. Guilty as charged. So watching the very tall Conan shake hands with the very tall Britt Daniel after Spoon played Written in Reverse, well that was a moment I will be replaying in my mind for awhile.

Thanks, Conan.

Ratings surge for Conan

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Whoops! Could there be anything more personally satisfying than trouncing your newfound enemy in the ratings almost immediately after one of his big-wig pals calls you an astounding failure?

I really would like Conan to have Norm MacDonald on his show. They could talk about how various NBC executives have told them that they are unfunny losers right after firing them.

Speaking of Norm, he warned Conan this would happen.

Soooo… what’s new, NBC?

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Nothing? Yeah.

If I have said it once, I have said it a million, billion times. There is not enough Law & Order on television.

And YOU KNOW how much we value Jerry Seinfeld’s contribution to pop culture and the idea that there are no refs in real life. Unlike on his new show, The Marriage Reg, which will air in the place of Leno’s show when it’s finally dragged out into an alley and shot.

Really, what NBC should do is combine these two ideas into one show. Law & Order: What’s the Deal With All These Rapes?

You are welcome, NBC. It’s the least we can do as we watch you decimate a once-proud TV institution with genius programming ideas like “MORE LAW & ORDER!” Somebody get these guys the Nobel Prize for TV Programming!

Oh, and NBC will also fill the time with another semi-reality show thing hosted by a former NBC star: Lisa Kudrow’s,Who Do You Think You Are?, a show that traces the genealogy of celebrities.

This isn’t harsh at all, considering that Lisa Kudrow is also — bum-bum-bum! — Conan’s ex!

In other non-Late Night feud news, can somebody please explain to me how this show Past Life, is being made, but Dollhouse is cancelled?

DR. KATE MCGINN (Kelli Giddish) is not your typical psychologist. Confident, outspoken and highly educated, she works at The Talmadge Center for Behavioral Health in New York City, a world-renowned institute dedicated to the study of the science of the soul. After experiencing a past-life regression in her 20s, Kate became a believer in reincarnation. Using therapy and her natural gift for reading people, Kate helps solve the mysteries of her troubled clients by investigating their consciousness. She believes there are levels of consciousness and explanations for human behavior that science can’t begin to explain. Accustomed to skeptics, but not bothered by them, Kate is an unapologetic believer and a force of nature who marches to the beat of her own drum.

Her partner, PRICE WHATLEY (Nicholas Bishop), is a different story. A former NYPD homicide detective, pragmatic and cynical, Price is a damaged soul who constantly battles grief and guilt over the accidental death of his wife. Price feels that Kate, though not certifiable, certainly operates on the fringes of science. It’s a volatile relationship, but with Price’s solid detective skills and Kate’s penchant for out-of-the-box thinking, together they make a formidable, albeit somewhat dysfunctional, team.

An emotional thrill ride, each episode finds Price and Kate working with their colleagues to unravel a new mystery. DR. MALACHI TALMADGE (Richard Schiff) is Kate’s mentor and the center’s namesake, an avuncular but gruff elder statesman who is a legend in the field of cognitive research. DR. RISHI KARNA (Ravi Patel) is the rookie of the group, an energetic M.D. who loves bad TV, Cuban jazz and driving everyone crazy.

I mean, this is basically an episode of The X-Fringe (TM Salome) stretched into a series. Except that Dr. Rishi Karna sounds like he is auditioning to be my best friend. He loves bad TV! So he will love this show!

I know everybody is entertaining the idea of loving Fox because they appear to be waiting eagerly for Conan to be free to do a late night show for them, but I gotta say, I don’t trust a network that can’t figure out how to promote a show that’s basically “hot, fightin’ chicks are hot now.”

Beware, Conan. Fox has ruined men like yourself.

These classic cars are making me thirsty! Seinfeld speaks about Conan/Leno, breaks own record for douchebaggery

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I don’t know if you guys watched Conan Friday, but you should’ve, because he did the string dance, made fun of NBC, did his Leno impression, jumped on his desk, made fun of LaBamba’s moustache and hosted a very funny interview with up and comer Aziz Ansari. (“I almost slept on that sheet!”)

Where has this guy been? I sort of miss Late Night Conan. Tonight Show Conan is different. I know he can’t stay the same forever, but I think this new, Tonight Show Conan who was in full-on “Fuck it!” mode is my favourite Conan. So much so that I kind of hope he stays with the network and spends every night from now until his contract is up being a bitter, bitter pain in NBC’s asshole.

Of course, this likely isn’t going to happen. Because Conan is classy and funny and hopefully won’t let it get to him. I promise to stop talking about this soon. But first. I need to address this. I’m going to explode if I don’t.

The New York Post says Conan is contemplating leaving the network. (Duh.) But that’s not the best (worst?) part of that story. The Post has Seinfeld stepping into the fray. Because that’s all Jerry Seinfeld is good for nowadays: Trying (and failing) to prop up his hacky friends.

Comedy legend — and close Leno pal — Jerry Seinfeld took the side of NBC and Leno.

“What did the network do to Conan? I don’t think anyone’s preventing people from watching Conan,” he said during an appearance to hype his new NBC show, The Marriage Ref.

Congrats, Jerry. Spoken like a true douche who is promoting a TERRIBLE show.

I know Jerry’s got to pat the network on its head and all so they’ll put his shitty show on the air (and really, The Marriage Ref sounds like terrible TV), but what the ever-loving fuck is he talking about?

NBC execs are the authors of their own demise and the fact that they’re putting your new show on the air proves it.

The network that once gave groundbreaking comics like Seinfeld and O’Brien airtime has been reduced to handing giant aging baby Jay Leno a pacifier and being unbelievably shitty to Conan, who for the last 15+ years, has done NOTHING but work his pale, Irish ass off to grow their target demographic of 18-35-year-old viewers. They repaid that hard work by scheduling Leno as his lead in. Then, when that failed, they decided to celebrate Leno’s slide in the ratings, by giving him back his original timeslot, telling Conan he’ll do his show at 12:05 and like it, and capping off their brilliance by putting a show called The Marriage Ref on the air.

You better work, Seinfeld. Because I think you’re going to have to hustle to get people to watch that show. Since it’s apparently entirely up to the performer to get ratings and not the network.

WHATEVER. I’m sure Jerry and Jay will laff it up later in their neighbouring airplane hangars filled with cars. “A Duesenberg over a Porsche!? Oh, that’s a hot one! Why I haven’t laughed so hard since I schemed to buy my 150th classic car off a dying old man!”

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