Season 11, Episode 1: “Turn, Turn, Turn”
Welcome Back, “7th Heaven”, also known as the only show on television that dares not name its season-opening plot device. Lost? I was too, dear readers. The thing with this episode is that watching it for a second time, everything falls into place and actually makes a sort of “7th Heaven”y type of sense. First viewing? Not so much. I’ll try to steer you through.
Ah, there’s nothing quite like that special brand of twee incidental music… two bars of flittering mandolin and gentle percussion is all it takes to sweep us back into the kitchen at Chez Camden. Annie is doing what TV moms do best, doling out boy advice over the phone. Ruthie is in Scotland and Annie is advising her not to accept roses from a boy she barely knows. I don’t really know how she ended up there, but it’s probably a career deathknell for Mackenzie Rosman – doesn’t she know that in order to leave this show and get work in movies, you have to do it as scandalously as possible? Did big-sister Jessica Biel and her saucy lad-mag photoshoot/gym toilet-papering-juvie-hall plot teach her nothing? Anyway, the phonecall really only serves to bring us slightly up to date and reveal that a good nine months must have passed since the tweely implausible series-ender, which saw every currently paired-off spawn of the family expecting twins. The powers that be probably didn’t think the true fans were that desperate for their Monday night schlockfest and figured a baby bonanza was the only fitting way to end the show for good. Oh, I pity the fools.
The good Reverend comes in just late enough to miss speaking with his daughter. The following conversation ensues:
Rev: Hey, let me talk to Ruthie!
Annie: ‘Kay, Ruthie, thanks, bye.
Rev: Why don’t I get to talk to our children?
Annie: Because I am the Mom and only Moms can parent effectively – haven’t you ever watched television? Anyway, I’ll fill you in. Blah blah blah, Matt is busy with the boys, blah blah blah, Sarah has a cold, blah blah blah. Mary is having a great time teaching and oh, did I tell you she might coach basketball?
This one might be a point for the Rev: “No, you didn’t mention that! But you know, maybe if I ever actually saw our children or talked to one of them myself…” He loses that point because it occurs to me that he could, you know, pick up a phone or arrange a visit by himself instead of letting The Chattypants Express run over his few opportunities to communicate with the young’uns. Ignoring his sarcasm, Annie fills him in about Sandy, Simon’s baby-having ex-girlfriend – namely that her babydaddy is visiting for the weekend. Rev posits that it’s a good thing… right? Annie appears to be wringing her hands and makes a “how shall I put this” face, trailing off with, “Well, he has this crazy idea…”
Cue Haylie Duff in: “Babydaddy 2: Electric Dramaloo”. She carries baby Aaron around while Babydaddy tries to talk her into a more formal arrangement: marriage! There’s a lot of pointless arguing about Simon, and love, and marriage, and how he thinks she HAS to marry him, and she’s all, “Um, getting a degree, here? And we’re not actually in love, that was a one-night stand, you stalkerly dick?” and he’s all, “I must know your future plans, including all prospective dates and any idea you might have about marrying anyone, ever!” Baby Aaron and his adorable little cowlick are all, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” As am I.
Credits. I frighten myself here by realising that I not only know the song but can sing along, accompanied by heartfelt gestures to illustrate each lyric. This season, our main cast has been whittled down to the Rev, Annie, Lucy, Sam and David (the curiously mop-headed twins who, as babies, turned the title into a play on how many kids they’ve managed to rack up), Kevin, Martin (the babydaddy) and Sandy (Haylie). Aw, and Happy as “Happy”. I do have a soft spot for that furry little bastard. I’m glad her contract negotiations worked out, and I hope she’s rolling in doggie treats and Cristal because she sorely deserves it after ten seasons watching David Gallagher go from cute kidlet to awkward teen to a broody, slight-better-looking-version of Aaron Carter (well, without the shock engagements and alleged twincest).
The acoustic guitar of playful whimsy eases us into a romantic dinner where the usually chatty Annie is actually quiet and smiling, enjoying a “loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou” moment with the good Rev. Through the strains of soprano sax and jaunty piano we see wine being decanted, morsels being fed to one another, candlelight… aw. It’s actually kind of sweet. Then… panning out from the romantic follies we see that Lucy’s husband Kevin is sharing the table, shadowed by his own personal cloud of glum. I gather from fragments of the ensuing conversation that he’s been sleeping on the couch for the season break. Poor Kev. He broods blandly while Annie tries to brighten the conversation with a housewifegasm about how there’s so little to do about the house these days. In fact, Sam and David only produced one load of washing that day, and it was JUST TOWELS! Annie thinks she’s died and gone to heaven. (SEVENTH heaven! Chuckle!) However, when Annie says this, she looks at Kevin apologetically and says that she’s sorry. Is this piece of dialogue a badly written hint?
The table talk turns to Mary, Carlos, and their three kids. Annie is going to visit them to help out the perpetually tired Mary. The Rev is all, “Again?” and wonders who’s going to deal with the twins. It’s TWO KIDS, surely he can carve out some time in his busy schedule of sermon-writing and reverendly nosing around the community to care for two boys that – as Annie pointed out – only troubled her with one load of towels that day? And the Rev is always bitching about how he never gets to speak to his children. Well, here’s two. Give them a bath and read them a book and call me in the morning, ass.
Any talk of Lucy is vague at best, evasive at worst. No explanation is given for why she’s angry these days, or why Kevin is in the doghouse exactly. I would almost say this is ‘good’ writing for the show – no real exposition, just the family talking about what’s going on, although by the time you get to the end of the show one realises… no, there isn’t such thing as good writing on “7th Heaven”, just convolution. Heaven (heh) forbid they actually confront an issue head on – what if the kids start asking difficult questions? Then again, this IS the show that once used the phrase “adult relations” instead of the word “sex”, so, nevermind.
Since Annie is all about keeping a packed schedule, when Kevin suggests that they go into real-estate prospecting and house “flipping” together, she looks positively delighted. Although the Rev looks as though the idea of a warm glass of milk might tire him out, he asks Annie if he can be involved, and what part he might play in their business scheme. Her suggestions – a house blessing, sage-burning, and spreading positive energy for the new buyers – sound suspiciously pagan… could a spiritual conversion be in the cards for Annie? Considering that the writers for the show probably have a list of prohibited terms, I think that’s probably a no. Anyhow, there’s more chatter about Lucy’s Anger Management Tour, and a toast to Annie’s successful steamrolling of her business prospect to-do list. Dinner has ended on a considerably up note – and no more CamSmooching! Sweet.
Lesser-Duff Manse. Sandy is getting home from her date. Babydaddy is angry and defensive and trying to make a whole lot more out of his connection to Sandy than just, say, being the biological father of her child. Sandy rolls her eyes all, “I’m staying out of this” and lets her new beau and Babydaddy talk. A conversation rife with Babydaddy’s possessive jealousy ensues, coming to a head with new Beau accidentally revealing that baby Aaron’s paternity was the result of a game of “Make Simon Jealous” gone horribly, foetally wrong. Oh, it’s just too pearl-clutchingly good, isn’t it?
House of the Bitchy and the Downtrodden. Lucy is reading a book with the baby, Savannah. Kevin meekly peers into the room and steps in as though negotiating a minefield, standing only at the doorway and smiling sunnily at his wife and child. Lucy interprets this as “sneaking up on [them]”, and my head explodes for the first of maybe fifty times this episode, because as we are about to see, whatever bug has crawled up Lucy’s ass has traversed far enough to be able to remove any trace of good humour and manners she may have possessed previously.
Despite knowing how this episode pans out, I still think Lucy is a mega-biotch. Plus, the sort of double-talking dialogue she has here only furthers the stereotype that women are wholly unable to speak clearly and express their feelings in a concise manner, and that conversations with men are only for confounding, trapping, and blame-laying. I’ll spare you the blow-by-blow but it essentially boils down to “if you don’t know why I’m mad then I’m not going to tell you”, only it involves a kiddie playdate. Lucy’s next complaint involves a neighbour playing music too loud – it keeps Savannah up at night. Kevin is rightfully befuddled (I don’t know if this is a regular character trait, but for this episode I’ll give him a pass, because I sure as hell was) and points out that he can’t go over and harrass the neighbour right that second, especially since he’s never even heard said music, but lets Lucy harangue him into promising that he’ll check in the next time the music is actually audible.
Back at Chez Camden, Annie and the Rev are watching Sam and David sleeping peacefully, waxing philosophical on the wonderment of family and how amazing it is to have kids and see your kids grow up and have their own kids. A lovely sentiment to be sure, which brings us back to the unnamed events of the past summer – the Rev is heartbroken for Lucy, and Annie says they’re just going to have to be strong and let Lucy and Kevin work everything out. Annie and the Rev agree that they have been very blessed, but the Rev foreshadows: “I do feel we’re sitting on a bit of a Lucy timebomb.” That can’t be comfortable.
Lesser-Duff Manse, daytime. Twee, jaunty piano and soprano sax. Babydaddy is reading a newspaper, and out of nowhere recalls that one year previous, they weren’t even speaking. Which for him, segues nicely into another round of “Hey, Why Don’t We Get Married?” It appears that any conversation could take that turn. “Oh, I love this show! Let’s get married.” Or, “I’m going to make a sandwich. Want anything? Hot Pocket? Eggo? Wedding ring?” Sandy looks up from her study, all, “Here we go again.” I gather from the general lack of chemistry we’ve seen so far that Sandy and Babydaddy have no real connection but their offspring, so why he keeps pushing it is a mystery to me. I’m not even sure why she let him visit for the weekend if all he ever does is try to browbeat her into a marriage of convenience. If she’s so into her call to ministry and all about being the new her, why isn’t she filing for a joint-custody arrangement and sending him on his merry way? Oh, right. Weak plot contrivances that later become blissful relationships. I almost forgot what show I was watching. So, Babydaddy doesn’t want another guy raising his son… or for Sandy to be with Simon, or any other guy. Way to win her over, Babydaddy. So, for the fifty millionth time, she’s all, “Um, excuse me? I don’t even want a relationship with you! And I want to be loved for who I am!” and he’s all, “Well, yeah, I’m not really in love with you, but why can’t we be a family?” Because this isn’t the ’50s and people don’t just get hitched because they produced a child? Sandy gives the great inspiration speech about how she’s a whole new her, getting a fresh start, that she wants to focus on her career and help other single mothers. Babydaddy is all, “But I can have a chance, right?” Oh, for serious? He finally gives it up for probably the next fifteen minutes by volunteering to go to the grocery store. As he leaves, Sandy calls Lucy. Oh, Sandy, honey. Don’t. When a conversation starts like this:
Sandy: (puppyface) Hey, Luce! How are you?
Lucy: (bitchface) What do you mean?
…end it quickly. Something like, “Oh, shit. Is my kitchen on fire? Gotta go!” might do the trick. However, Doormat Duff bravely presses on and attempts, politely and with many compliments, to wring a little advice/tea and sympathy from Lucy. What she gets is the equivalent of a scalding cup of coffee in the lap and a quick sermon from the Church of Passive-Agression that goes a little something like: “If you’re going to be a minister, learn how to deal with your own damn problems, you scurrilous, panty-dropping wench. Oh, and you’re at school to study, not slut it up, you out-of-wedlock-baby-haver! Bye, ‘ho-bag!” Sandy doesn’t call Lucy on the carpet about being judgemental and mean, but instead bows and scrapes, all, “You’re right, you’re right… and all I can say is… I’m sorry.” Even her facial expression as she ends the call is puppylike, not even a raised eyebrow of righteous annoyance. Either Sandy has absolutely no self-esteem or… yeah, that’s probably it.
Back at the Bitchface Ranch, Lucy tries to break the phone, and Kevin – forgetting that Lucy is the biggest bitch in the whole wide world – wonders if everything is okay. His reward is some aggressive double-talk and an earful about how irritating Sandy is. She thinks she’s me! She thinks she’s better than me! She’s a fanatical religious convert! Moooom, she’s copying me! She copied my outfit AND my haircut! She must be stopped!
Kevin tries to avoid World War Lucy by going to visit her parents. Not so fast, Kev! Lucy demands to know why he’s been spending so much time at Chez Camden. Um, because you’re a raging bitchaholic? Just sayin’. Trying to deflect Lucy’s paranoid delusions of the Secret Let’s Upset Lucy Club, Kevin reveals the house-flipping business plan and Lucy is suddenly beside herself with joy, chattering away about curtains, wallpaper, cabinetry… psyche! No, actually, she assumes that she was involved to begin with and bitches about how she doesn’t have time for house-flipping, and when Kevin points out that it was just him and Annie, she loses her shit and screams, “NO! BAD IDEA!” Is this where she breaks out a rolled-up newspaper and swats him on the nose? So, apparently house renovation, like preaching, is one of Lucy’s special skills and she’s upset that he wants to get into it and “one-up” her. Oh, and he has ime for other people’s homes, but not theirs. He points out that she wouldn’t let him decorate their home and finds himself staring at the business end of a death-stare. Oh dear God, his parachute is actually a knapsack! He changes tack and tries to compliment her by saying he was intimidated by her mad skillz, but she’s not having any of it. Apologies and backtracking ensue, and in the end Kevin agrees to go over and tell Annie that he doesn’t want to go into the house-flipping business, on the condition that he not tell her it was Lucy’s idea. I’m sure as he’s dashing out the side door he’s pondering a beer or five on the way there. Hell, I’ll buy him one. As Kevin makes his great escape, Lucy skulks around muttering to herself: “Why can’t anyone let me have anything for myself? Jeez. Everyone wants to be me.” What a self-involved cow! “Except me,” she sighs, eyes downcast, the music taking a darkly dramatic trill downward. And by dark I mean, slate. CamdenLand is never truly dark. Just shades of beige and grey.
Chez Camden. Kevin is trying to explain to the Rev that Lucy had a minor meltdown about the house-flipping idea, although he very diplomatically downgrades it to “not [being] a good idea” at this time. Sam and David are ecstatic to learn that Lucy isn’t with Kevin and celebrate by raiding the fridge for juice boxes. When Annie learns that Lucy has a problem with the business scheme, instead of pointing out that it’s really none of Lucy’s concern, she decides to back off and says maybe they should wait until she comes around. Who’s the mom here? Lucy arrives holding Savannah and the twins dash upstairs for safety. Lucy announces that she needs to talk to her dad and hands the baby off to Kevin, who then makes a quick exit with Annie. So, Lucy has this crazy idea that if she gives the sermon on Sunday, then she can call it a deadline for getting over her Horrible Summer, and can officially move on from there. The Rev, knowing that a public display of insanity is in the cards, points out that he already had a sermon prepared, and suggests she could wait until next week. He’s sensitively trying to talk her out of something he knows will just end in tears, but she won’t have any of it. When he wants to know what she so desperately needs to say, she goes on the defensive, thinking he won’t trust her. It’s been four months since she last preached and the Rev says she needs more time to heal, but she thinks she’s had too much time to do that, and that this will give her the opportunity to look forward to her future again. The Rev wonders why she couldn’t deal with it in a personal way instead of flinging metaphorical poo at the congregation, and finds out that she thinks a public acknowledgement of her problems with allow her to deal with her anger. She is choosing her feelings, dammit! Well, hon, you could choose at any time, starting with apologising to your family for taking it all out on them when they’re just trying to help you. Not that pandering to your ridiculous outbursts actually helps, but it’s not like you’re giving them anything to work with. As a grown woman and associate pastor she refuses to be treated like a child – could have fooled me, I thought that grown-ass associate pastors don’t throw tanties like that. Lucy flounces out all, “I’m doing it, the end!” The Rev is sadly rolling his eyes as if to plea, “Gonna need your help on this one, Big Guy”. The tweely melancholy soprano sax flourish agrees.
Sandy and Babydaddy, jaunty Grandpa’s guitars. The Not Couple are arguing about going to church – he wants to go together “like a family”; Sandy wants him to go by himself so he can go home afterward… big hinting, dropping clues! Not responding to that, Babydaddy is once again trying to convince Sandy that living together – as man and wife, most likely – would be the best thing ever. Oh, will he give it a rest? She’s not going to marry you, dude! Alright, probably some time down the line when the writers can’t drag it out any longer and they find some new characters to terrorise, but not right now! The argument goes from convoluted to downright ridonkulous, with Babydaddy claiming that he wants to be a minister, and Sandy’s all, “Busting in on my turf, what?” and he’s all, “Well, YOU want to be a minister, just like Lucy, so you can be a CAMDEN!” The argument gets even more convoluted and I start work on a cable-knit sweater waiting for this plot to peter out. She’s all, “Let’s just put some distance between us for a bit” and he’s all, “You could have just told me that we slept together to make Simon jealous.” And… honestly – since the two of them are now discussing honestly – I’m like, bored to tears right now. It’s making my yarn soggy. After I’ve tuned out for a few moments, I realise the kids are wrapping up their argument by trying to work out who is more at fault for the whole baby-producing mess – Babydaddy for wanting to shed his virginity, or Sandy for wanting to make Simon jealous. Babydaddy spits, “How is it more my fault than your fault?” Hm… blame. Fault. Fore…shadowing?
FINALLY, after all that stalling, we get to Lucy’s sermon. Kevin is gnawing frantically on his nails but might as well be holding up a sign that reads “HELP ME, I THINK I’M ABOUT TO BE PWNED”. Annie elbows him to stop.
Lucy starts out by thanking everyone for their patience and for helping her in her learning process. The family all have that glazed-eye look of people who have been crying for five days straight, while most of the congregation appear bored or hostile. The sermon is an unfocused mish-mash of life lessons and the babblings of a woman driven mad by Traumatic Events That Shall Not Be Named; Lucy ponders the nature of good and bad things that happen, and wonders if God can be blamed for the bad as well as given credit for the good. Are the bad things God’s way of teaching mean little lessons? And does that include this show? As she winds up her thoughts on unnamed sad events and annouces that she’s not blaming God for the bad things that happen, one can sense that Kevin’s testicles are ascending into his body as he mumbles, “Oh, this is not good”. Lucy lashes out from her bitchy pulpit all, “It’s Kevin’s fault I’m sad! HE’s the one who wanted to have another baby, even though I wasn’t ready, but I couldn’t resist his advances! He’s a great husband and a great dad! And he’s hot, so why wouldn’t I sleep with him?!” Oh, totally not a case of taking two to tango there, Luce, but don’t let me get in the way with my crazy Vulcan logic. In a turn that might make the casual channel-flipper wonder if she’s stumbled upon a dream sequence, Lucy poses the question to the congregation: isn’t he hot? The first girl she looks at is frozen in the headlights, unable to answer, before nodding enthusiastically. Lucy proceeds, asking another girl, wouldn’t you sleep with him? The girl is all, “Me?” and then busts out this awesome face, like, “Oh YEAH, I’d totally tap that ass, and three times on a Sunday”. It’s seriously the best facial expression all episode, and I suddenly think that going to the Camden’s non-denominational-specific church might be the best entertainment in all of Glenoak. Lucy is wondering, “Who WOULDN’T sleep with that?” Meanwhile, Annie is having a very tiny heart attack and the Rev is trying to talk Lucy down from her blamey ledge, to no avail – because now she’s going to turn on her family and their ability to do what she cannot: have twins. Mom and dad can. Matt can. Mary can. Lucy suggests that Simon is probably out there impregnating some woman with twins, and that Ruthie is going to come home from Scotland, pregnant – you guessed it – with twins. Sam and David escape unscathed. Lucy ends by gathering her cue cards and brushing past her father muttering, “Oh, like you didn’t know this was going to happen”. The Rev is agape, Annie is shrugging as if to say, “You SAID we were sitting on a timebomb”, the congregation is atwitter with gossip and noises of indignation, and the slightly inappropriate whimsical soprano sax cue plays us out to the break.
Back at Chez Camden, some delicious-looking sandwiches go uneaten while the Rev is going into shock, and Annie is wishing for a definite article to fix or clean – say, a greasy stained shirt, a dirty floor to mop, or the best: a broken pipe in the basement with three feet of flooding! Yeah, that doesn’t sound at all gross or mildewy. Mostly, though, she pines for her children to be children again, when all of the problems they had were simple and easy to deal with, unlike what Lucy is going through. We still haven’t been told what happened that is so unfair and tragic, but I’m sure they’ll state it aloud any day now.
House of the Unglued and the Whipped. Lucy is absently hanging up her reverendly robes and having a minor freakout about dirty laundry she just launched at her congregation. Lucy wonders if Kevin will have her committed (…please?), but Kevin insists on having a chat about it. Lucy is all, “I know I’m crazy, we don’t have to talk about that.” Well… yeah, you kind of do. Obviously, that whole Gettin’-Over-It Plan didn’t quite work out, so this would be a time not to steamroll your husband with a bunch of yelling and Crazy Knows Best. As they talk, we’re finally getting to the crux of Lucy’s anger, but it suddenly goes off-drift when she cites some of things that made her mad, namely: people talking to her like she’s “pathetic”, people agreeing with all of the crazy things she says, people treating her like she’s a teenager. She’s mad that Kevin does “every stupid thing” she asks him to do! Let’s go over Lucy’s behaviour over the last hour:
– if someone did something she didn’t like, she would get mad
– if someone suggested something SHE didn’t want them to do, she’d veto it
– if someone said even the most benign thing (such as, “Hi! No, I really mean that, hi”) she would practically reach down the phoneline and tear said person’s throat out with her bare hands.
Of course everyone was tip-toeing around her. No-one wants to poke the bear. In a roundabout way, I can see that in her “crazy” state she might have been reaching out for some form of smackdown to bring her to her “senses”, or help snap her out of her anger, but acting like a weapon-packing snapping turtle isn’t exactly going to bring in a wealth of people willing to say, “Hey, stop being such a bitch and get some help, crazy lady.”
So as they talk more about blame and anger, Kevin risks an injury by suggesting that perhaps Lucy is angry at herself most of all for what happened. I applaud the man for finally not being a total doormat this episode. She almost explodes for a moment before allowing a single perfect tear to roll down her cheek, and here we are at the Events of the Horrible Summer. Lucy wonders if things would have turned out different if she hadn’t gotten pregnant so soon, or gotten to the hospital sooner, or been stronger. It’s hard for her to take because she can’t assign blame to herself, Kevin, her parents, or God – it just happened, and it can’t be fixed. She’s decided that she never wants to have kids again because it would hurt too much to try again, but she’s okay with her family the way it is.
Okay, CW, I have a beef now. It’s perfectly clear to anyone with some basic comprehension skills that Lucy lost her babies. I don’t understand the decision to avoid the word “miscarriage” for a whole forty-five minutes… when it’s the central theme of the show. It’s not a dirty word – it’s something that happens to a lot of women trying to have families. It’s sad, and it’s personal, but you could at least try to honour woman who have survived pregnancy mishaps by not using it as a cheap script-writing exit strategy. JUST SAY IT, BITCHES. MISCARRIAGE. Thank you.
The tiny drop of sympathy they manage to wring from me evaporates as Lucy goes back on her tirade, all, you’re not going into business with my mother and I’m not happy that Sandy is totally busting in on my preaching turf. Like she’s the only woman who has felt called to ministry. How DARE Sandy even think she could do work for the Lord! She’s a single mom! Shut up, Lucy. Kevin says he’s still not going to commit her, so I guess they’re at an impasse. And aw, they love each other. Problems solved, everyone.
The gentle caress of guitar music wash us back to Chez Camden, where the twins aren’t able to fall asleep. Annie and the Rev come in to say good night. Aw, “I love you”s all around. Eric is all, “Let’s call the rest of the kids to say goodnight!” and Annie’s says, “Oh, I did that while you where in the shower”. The Rev has his poor-dog face on, and she’s all, “Ha, psych”.
House of Still Bitchy and Kev. The phone rings while they read before bed. It’s Jane, from church. Lucy tells her that she’s sorry to call on her in church, but it doesn’t mean she can sleep with Kevin. Of course that’s why Jane’s calling, to arrange a late-night booty call with the pastor’s husband – not to make sure Lucy isn’t suffering any repercussions from the Craziest Sermon Ever Given. She is then surprised that Jane hangs up on her. After Mom and Dad call to say goodnight and we love you, even though you’re crazy, Lucy suggests it’s been a long day and they ought to rest. But wait! Savannah’s not sleeping! So she recruits Kevin to pester the neighbour to play some music, because Savannah’s gotten used to all of that racket. Not at all that maybe Lucy secretly likes the songs or whatever. I can almost see Kevin thinking, “Am I going to get into trouble for complying with yet another crazy request?” but he gets out of bed and does it anyway.
Lesser-Duff Manse. Yawn, more twee chatty-chat. I think they’re going for cute, with the starting to talk and saying the same thing at the same time sort of business, but I’m distracted by how orange Haylie Duff is, and in the back of my head Lady Sovereign is all, “Bitch, did you know you’re orange?” Anyway, I think they’re trying to take the Babydaddy drama into a positive relationship-oriented direction (reaaaally?!), so after some fairly neutral, no-pressure talking, they kiss each other on the cheek and Babydaddy leaves. Sandy looks conflicted. If I have to go through this all season I might take up competitive drinking to see me through.
Kevin is introducing himself to the next-door neighbour, about to ask if she can play that funky music, white boy. I mean, play whatever she’s been playing the whole week that so utterly annoyed his wife but actually soothed his child.
ENTER JEWEL! AS JEWEL!! She’s not even playing another character, she’s playing herself, AND she’s plugging her new single, “Good Day”. Now, a small confession: I like Jewel. The infamous van, all of her albums, her Alaska stories, that book of poetry, her snaggle-teeth – I like it all. But this is just cringeworthy. Since I haven’t watched this show in about eleventy billion years I don’t know if it has been common practice for celebrity guests to just show up as themselves, plug their latest product, and turn each episode into a non-refundable time-capsule of that week of that year, but even if that is standard practice, I reject this particular instance. Jewel can do better, I think. Doesn’t she have more clout by now? What about “Regis and Kathy Lee”? What about “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”? What about freakin’ OPRAH? Did you forget about OPRAH?!
So… I love you, Jewel, but don’t ever do that again. Anyway, per Kevin’s sheepish request, she starts belting out an a capella version of “Good Day” as she walks back into the house, and as it swells into the studio version of the track, we are treated to a Peacefully Sleeping Camdens montage, featuring Annie and the Rev, Happy, Sam and David, and finally Savannah, being watched over by Lucy and Kevin. Who, miraculously, inside forty minutes! – are holding hands, looking at each other lovingly, and walking back to bed, miraculously healed from their Horrible Summer. Ah! The Power of Camdens!
–Recapped by Sammy