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Ghost Whisperer – Ghoulfriends 4Eva!

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Melinda Gordon sees dead people. And in last season’s finale, she was seeing her best friend Andrea.

Geddit?

She saw Andrea, but she didn’t touch Andrea and Andrea never changed her clothes and, well, you saw The 6th Sense. Bad news for Andrea: She got squashed by a plane and Jennifer Love Hewitt spends the entire episode trying and failing to tell her that she’s dead. I gotta say, for a show that is a great guilty pleasure but bad TV, killing off one of your main characters? Is a gutsy move. A move I question, since Andrea, played with heart and smarts by Aisha Tyler, is the best thing about this show and easily one of the only likeable characters. But now she dead from plane.

But she’s still hanging around, as is her brother Mitch, who was supposed to be ON the plane that killed her. Man. That won’t haunt him. Also in the neighbourhood for the Monster Mash is Wide Brim, the dude who’s poaching from Freddie Kreuger in the Gentlemanly Hat department and me in the Hating Melinda Gordon department. Last season, he was standing behind Andrea and harshly whispering “She’s mine!” to Melinda who had big, fat, crocodile tears coursing down her flushed, pink cheeks.

Given that this new episode begins with Melinda in bed with her hubby (the nightgown du jour is a reserved brown jersey tank affair), I guess we didn’t see the rest of Wide Brim’s threat: “She’s mine … but first! A latte!”

So she and hubby are curled up as a nasty lightning storm throws rain against their bedroom window. Her phone rings. When she looks at her caller ID, it says Andrea Cell. Wow! She must have a GREAT plan to get reception beyond the grave! I cross a powerline and mine goes out. I bet she’s with Bell Mobility. Andrea tells Melinda she doesn’t know what’s happening and asks her to help. Melinda is all “Omigod! I’ve been looking for you! Where are you!?”

You liar. You were sleeping! Soundly! How the hell did you let your pet ghost out of your sight anyway? I mean, what the hell happened that you left Mr. Hat skulking near Andrea? Were you like “Oh, Man! It’s Blockbuster night! I gotta go home and watch movies with my husband! Sorry Andrea! We rented V for Vendetta. I hear it’s good.” And Hat Man would be all “Oh, it is. Little known fact: V stole his hat schtick from me.” And Andrea would say “I thought he was supposed to be Guy Fawkes or an effigy or something?” And Wide Brim would be all “And where do you think HE got it from?” And then they’d all look at each other awkwardly and then look at their watches and go “O…kay. Well, I guess I’ll… call you guys later then.”

That’s what I think happened anyway. Moving right along, Andrea tells Melinda she’s at the store. Melinda wants Andrea to come to her. I mean, it is raining and she is already wearing this really cute nightgown and jeez, woman! Put some pants on and go get your dead best friend!

Jim is watching all this and when Andrea breaks up and Melinda hangs up, he gently asks “How is she calling you, exactly?” Energy fields. She tapped into them. Maybe. That’s totally not as plausible as my earlier V for Vendetta theory. She shrugs off Jim’s offer to come with her, saying Andrea is going to be soooo happy! That you’re wearing pants and not a nightie? Yes, I’m sure that will be a refreshing change.

It’s still raining when Melinda rushes into the store to find Andrea, who begs her to say everything is going to be okay. Melinda complies and tells Andrea she may not really be dead. The windchimes of “Whaaaaaat!?” tinkle briefly off Andrea’s reaction and I am reminded of yet another reason why I hate this show.

In the credits, I couldn’t help but notice the music is by Mark Snow. Mark “Hitting the reverb button by accident since 1994” Snow. Mark “Theme for the Supernatural in A minor” Snow. Mark “Watch out behind you, Scully!” Snow. The guy who did all the obtrusive, annoying, musical touches for the X-Files for nine years, is what I’m trying to say. These windchimes sound like they were stolen directly from a particularly bad episode of the X-Files from, say, Season 9 when everbody involved had officially stopped caring. Welcome back Mr. Snow. You are a formidable opponent. I look forward to mocking you.

Back to the show. Melinda is explaining to Andrea that her body was found (By Jim, because Melinda must be personally involved with all aspects of this show) and she’s in a coma at Mercy Hospital. She has some injuries, but the doctors are working sooooo hard and Melinda has been at the hospital every day… Wait! How long has it BEEN? It would be nice to find out why Melinda went from crying in an alley to sleeping in her bed, but I’m just happy they remembered they dropped a plane on Andrea at all.

Andrea says the place she’s in is scary and Melinda’s curiousity wins out. She asks Andrea what it’s like. Andrea says she doesn’t like to look around too much. Death must not be much of a decorator. She says there are dark beings around and it’s like they’re always watching her, but Jim pulls up in his manly man truck and interrupts. He bangs on the door and Melinda runs over. They both start yelling, he wants her to open the door and she cries that she can’t. Maybe because you’re both pushing on it? But Jim is distracting her from Wide Brim who is now standing beside Andrea. I see she’s still wearing the Mr. Rogers Cardigan of Woe. There’s some screaming from all involved and then, Melinda wakes up in bed screaming and sweating. Haha! Sorry Andrea fans! Dream sequence fakeout! Now she dead for real! (P.S. writers: This still doesn’t explain why Melinda left Andrea in the alley with Wide Brim/Romano. Just, you know, you’re not off the hook for that.)

Melinda apologizes for waking Jim and he says he was dreaming about floating in a giant lake of beer in a big cup. I’ve had that dream. Except with a dry, white wine. And it wasn’t a dream. It was me watching this episode. I killed a bottle of Okanagan Vinyard 2004 Sauvignon Blanc. It didn’t talk to me though. I talked a little to it and I may have kissed it tenderly. Oh. Right. The show. It should be noted that Melinda and Jim have a huge, gothic, wrought-iron and dark wood bed that I covet with every fibre of my being. I would kill Andrea for that bed. Well, maybe not Andrea. Definitely Melinda though. But she’s a good newwife and goes downstairs to read because she wants to let Jim sleep. He sighs as he watches her go. Waking up from a beer dream always makes him horny.

Andrea is in the living room to greet Melinda. The thunder punctuates her arrival and she seems a little out of it, but I’ll give her a pass since she is dead and all. “Romano!” she says. “She’s mine!” It’s Wide Brim on the stairs and circle gets the square! Melinda gapes at both of them as Andrea (zombie!Andrea, actually, since her eyes go all white in the lightning) whispers “Help me!” Or maybe “Find me!” since she and wide brim then disappear.

Credits. John Gray, you magnificent bastard! Look how much I wrote and we’re only at the credits!

We’re in a cemetery listening to a funeral service. Melinda really needs help with this schtick if this is the only place she can think of to look for her dead friend. A… religious official of some sort (You never know if it’s a priest or a preacher or chaplain or… I’m not religious, okay? Let’s call him a God Dude.) God Dude reads from the poem Death is Nothing At All. Appropriate, considering Andrea is still with us. But she’s not WITH us, as Jim finds out when he asks Melinda if Andrea is attending her own funeral. Incidentally, Melinda is wearing a jaunty white lace headband. Which… fine. I don’t think there should be a dress code of all black all the time for funerals, but it’s out of place with the rest of her outfit.

But that’s not important. Andrea’s brother is crying. They walk with each other and Melinda tries to feel out if he knows about her abilities. He doesn’t appear to know much of anything. Except that they “both lost a sister.” Way to go Mitch! Now her chin is wobbling and when her chin is wobbling, a lip tremble and a single tear are sure to follow!

It must be later, because Melinda pulls up to Andrea’s apartment to find a news crew filming in the street. Like, right in it. I am here to tell you that would never happen. We reporters have a healthy sense of wanting to not get hit by cars. And if we don’t, the camera men DEFINITELY do. You can also tell this is make believe because one reporter has a camera guy and a sound guy. In real life, he’d be lucky if he got a tripod to set his camera on as he filmed everything himself. So who do you think the reporter stops to “see how the residents of this fine town are doing?” That’s riiiiight! Melinda! Who gives the perfect, dream soundbite without hesitating at all. It’s like she’s picking up the mail. This is just one of her daily tasks, talking to reporters about terrible plane crashes somebody she loved died in! This would have been more likely:
Reporter: Excuse me…
Citizen: Fuck off!

Annnnnyway. She’s in Andrea’s apartment and calls out to Andrea. A closet door swings open and Melinda, never one to let a perfectly good opportunity to covet clothing go to waste, wanders over and goes inside and the doors slam shut. Wide Brim is there. She demands Andrea, he says he’ll take a message. He gives her some important clues, such as: He doesn’t have to do anything to Andrea; she’s doing it all to herself, that he was alive once, that he had a name, that he’s just a humble teacher trying to spread the word. “Much like yourself.” Why must I always get the shows with creepy, pale, whispery white dudes who frighten people? He says it’s just a matter of time until he has Andrea and Melinda and that’s when Melinda runs out. And apparently back home, to the comfort of that giant-ass bed. Cuz that’s where we are now.

Tonight’s ensemble is a silky affair trimmed with black lace. It’s perfect for wandering your bedroom at night, investigating strange noises and pushing open creaking doors. And if you happen to find yourself in a steam-filled bathroom because your shower is running even though neither you nor your husband is using it? Bonus! Because you will look totally hot when you push open the shower doors to find your dead best friend hovering and rotting as the shower runs around her. Er, through her. Melinda tells her she has to cross over. I agree. For one, you’re using all the hot water and you never pay your share of the bill! Andrea screams in her corpse-like state and congratulations makeup department because Aisha Tyler looks really creepy here. Suddenly, she’s gone and Melinda shivers us into the commercials.

Seattle. Some dude in an apartment. He’s watching the news and eating a delicious TV dinner when Melinda’s clip comes on and he’s transfixed. He’s kinda cute, I guess. Like a young Robert Downey Jr. Before the drugs and prison. He whispers her name. She gets a lot of play. Gotta be the nightgowns.

Rockland University. Professor Jay Mohr’s class. Yes. That’s right. Professor Jay Mohr. He’s teaching a class about the power of psychology and suggestion and imagination. Something to do with the science of disbelief. Melinda sneaks in and listens. He’s suggesting all these supernatural phenomenon are just an extension of brain function, of our collective minds creating myths and filling in the blanks. Translation: Hello, I am a skeptic.

She follows him out of the class and asks for his help and he tries to brush her off. Good luck, Jay. I’ve tried too. She’s a clinger. He’s rude and I like him for that. It’s nice to see a jerk sort of jarring Melinda’s trite new-agey world of mysticism and “go into the light because the light is good”ness. She calls him a genius and strokes his ego and he’s like “It pains me to see how careless they’ve gotten with the word genius. But fine. Will you buy me food?” And she very, very, very seriously answers: “Yes.” Ha! When Jay Mohr is out-acting you, well…

They get noodles in those little cartons that I am convinced do not exist outside the world of television. My Chinese comes in round tinfoil dishes or styrofoam. He tells her he doesn’t teach about the supernatural, just society’s need to believe in it. They have a little discussion about the nature of good and evil and how one can’t exist without the other and… I like his sarcastic little asides. Now would probably be a good time for me to confess my crush on Jay Mohr. I’ve liked him ever since he beat Jerry McGuire at his own game and he only got better in Playing By Heart, Go, and Action. And, okay, I totally thought he was cute in Picture Perfect. I hate myself now, are we all happy?

So. To recap: Dark spirits grow evil. Light spirits help the dead pass on to the other side and protect souls. Dark spirits need souls to become powerful and that’s why they hate light spirits, because one soul to the light is one less to the dark spirits. This is ridiculous. But if a dark spirit takes over a light spirit, “that’s like triple bonus points right there.” Are you getting this? Romano eeeeevil. Melinda gooood.

She draws – oh, man – she draws a *stick figure* with a hat and a dark face and asks Jay if he’s ever come across the image. Un. Believable. He makes fun of her. As does everyone in the known universe. She tells him the name is Romano and he asks if it’s a dark spirit or a light spirit. “Oh, you’re right. They ARE too careless with the word genius.” He smirks. And checks the sketch for her. Is there, like, a stick figure dark spirit directory? I gotta get me some lacy nightgowns.

At the fire hall, Jim wants her to tell the Professor about her abilities, but she refuses because she doesn’t want to involve people like she involved Andrea because, look what happened with that. Oops. She’s crying. Again. You know who should sponsor this show? Kleenex. There should be a weepy commercial about a funeral. I know that might seem like it’s in bad taste, but funerals are, like, Kleenex’s bread and butter. “She never doubted me!” crows Melinda through her veil of tears. “Not even for a minute!”

Flaaaaaaaashback! The only reason I’m even bothering to do this is because Andrea is uber-charming here. When Melinda tells her there’s something she should know, Andrea goes “Ooooh! Uh-oh!” Melinda: “Yeah. And it’s gonna sound crazy.” “Woooooh! Capital Uh-Oh!” Melinda says she’s telling Andrea because she doesn’t seem like she’s judgemental. Why judge Melinda on her visions when you can judge her on her crazy fashion sense? When Melinda tells her, Andrea says it’s the coolest thing she’s ever heard. See, I would say that too, except it would just be me saying it until I could get home and phone my friends and cackle at what a weirdo my new boss was. Too bad, Andrea. We could’ve made beautiful, Mean Girl music together. Then there’s a bit where Melinda tells Andrea there’s a ghost hanging out around her. A paunchy Eye-Talian guy who lived in Andrea’s apartment. He wants Andrea to get a packet of pictures of his grandson that fell behind the stove and send them to his daughter. This effectively demonstrates to Andrea she better not be pretending to be cool with Melinda’s abilities. But she is really cool about it, giggling about how she’s so going to love this job. Yeah? Wait until you’re the one trying to get the metaphorical pack of photos out from behind the metaphorical stove! But that’s later.

Present day Melinda comes out of the fire hall, having just had sex with Jim on top of the No. 2 engine. Kidding. It was the No. 1. The No. 2 is in for repairs. Conveniently, Andrea’s apartment is right across the street. The lights are on and Melinda sees a shadow pacing. A female shadow. Naturally, she goes to investigate. Unnaturally, she is not wearing a filmy nightgown. As she approaches the door, Mark Snow cues up “Tympani of approaching a door you shouldn’t approach” and follows it up with “cymbal crash of somebody touching you unexpectedly and causing you to gasp.” It’s Mitch. He’s been there for half an hour, but his key won’t work and nobody answers his knock. I believe that is your cue to leave then. When Melinda knocks, the lights go off and Mitch’s key works. The hesitate, but go in and turn the lights on to find somebody is in BIG TROUBLE with my mom because they’ve scrawled crazy all over the walls in red paint. Or blood. Oh, and the furniture. Stuff like “Melinda Hate Her Romano Never Was Get Out Stay Out Dead Melinda Liars.” Stuff like that there. Close-ups of the scrawled writing and Melinda’s heaving chest let you know it’s almost time for the lip to tremble in confusion and fear.

They leave and Mitch wants to know who Romano is and what it all means. He says he doesn’t think his sister is at rest. Melinda gives him a stare like “You think?” He reveals things weren’t always great between them, they didn’t talk for two years and he didn’t tell Andrea something she should have known. Melinda wants to know what, but Mitch says it makes no difference because it’s too late. So Melinda returns to the store to find a crying Andrea who is being influenced by Romano. She goes all “Attack of the Night Zombies” and screams that she doesn’t want to be dead. “I shouldn’t be dead!” But then she’s back to normal and pleading with Melinda to help her because Romano “Makes her want to be with him.” Melinda says it’s all lies and tells her not to let him do it. Andrea says she has to go. “Go where?” Melinda wants to know. “To the future, Marty!” No. Actually, to the past. The beginning. Sobbing. Screaming. Pleading. Crying. This show is an emotional wringer.

Robert Downer Junior is in his Seattle apartment people searching Melinda online. Two tries on a search engine called Penthius nets him some photos of Grandview and the street where Melinda’s shop is located. Penthius, by the way, is named after a character in Euripides’ The Bacchae. Penthius (Or Pentheus) spied on the women who danced naked in Dionysian revelries. His name is from the Greek Penthos, meaning sorrow, a foreshadow of his violent death (beheading) which was punishment for giving in to base curiosities. As dropping things in goes, it’s not very subtle. Things are not boding well for our boy, Robert Downer.

Melinda is locking up for the night when she gets a call. It’s Jay Mohr. She rolls her eyes slightly when she finds out it’s him. Seriously, Melinda? You called him. You asked for his help. Don’t be such a bitch. He’s at his office and he’d like her to come over. Right away. She asks if it can wait until morning. Yes. It can. That’s why he’s calling so late and asking you to come over immediately. “Mmmm, I don’t know… maybe not.” Awwww! Scully just got goosed by a ghost and wants Mulder to come over to expound on some theories! Or maybe it’s the other way around. I can’t imagine Scully asking Mulder if there’s a chance he’ll pass a noodle parlour on his way over. Also, the weirdness was much more effective on that show because Duchovny and Anderson were better actors than these two amateurs. But they do manage to amuse me slightly with the noodles.

She puts her foot down about bringing food and he takes it well. Considering all the photos of dark spirits he was showing her the other day are stuck up around his office walls and ceiling. He takes a goooood, loooong look around as Mark Snow’s “Chimes for the freaked out” jangle nervously in the background.

Melinda comes over and stares at the photos as Jay tells her it happened while he was out having dinner. Polynesian food. Something Papaya. Obsessed much? He came back to find his office like this. He gestures wildly and I catch a wedding ring. I wonder if that’s on purpose or if he’s just wearing it by accident. Of course, it would have to be an engagement ring for that to be true because… okay. Seriously people. Stop me next time I start revealing that I know what too much about the state of Jay Mohr’s personal life. He shows Melinda a “drawring” he didn’t even know he had. She asks if he knows what the drawring means. He says “Yeah, sure.” Then stares at her for a few minutes and she’s like “Well!?” And he shakes his head and laughs “Oh. Sorry! It’s a warning!” A dark motif favoured by the Incans. “Back off or die being the fundamental message.” This has Jay Mohr very intrigued by Melinda. Like, who the hell is she? She comes into his life and asks some questions and suddenly the Incans are like “You die now!” She’s just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to believe in supernatural events. It’s the basis of so many relationships.

She distracts him with a piece of tinfoil on some string. Actually, she distracts him by asking about the sketch. She wants to know if he found out anything. Yeah, Melinda, he did. Your villain, or reasonable hand-drawn facsimile, is the white spy from Spy Vs. Spy. Mad Magazine. He’s behind it all. No. For real. He did find stuff out. Apparently, Wide Brim was the leader of an obsucre sect in Algeria. Or, they used his image for their logo, which is a pentacle with the dark-man-in-hat silhoutte at its centre and other symbols at each point of the pentacle. It looks a little too modern for that. Like, it looks like a lame punk band’s logo. She says it’s amazing. Yes. It is amazing. In fact, it’s un-fucking-believable he found anything based on your scribble. Jay gets up and goes to ANOTHER computer (he’s a prof at what I can only assume is a state school. He gets two computers and a HUGE office?) where he shows her actual photos of Romano as we know him. He was apparently a cult leader in Spain and he had 115 followers. And he got them all to kill themselves. “You say you’ve seen this guy recently?” Asks Jay, with the smile of a person who is waiting for the answer he knows he will get so he can smack it down. She says she did. Kinda. ORLY?

He finds that fascinating since this happened in 1939 and Romano killed himself with all the others. Well hoo-ha! Looks like Jay Mohr solved it! Couldn’t have happened! We can all go home. As soon as we’re done taking down the magically stuck up photos on the walls. But we’re not quite done yet because Melinda wants to know if he, like, became a dark spirit after he killed himself. Jay humours her and says he was probably a dark spirit long before he killed himself and… this is all very stupid. Jay says as these entities get stronger they have the ability to take over a weaker human. “Literally? Take over their bodies?” In theory, apparently, Romano was just a bad dude until he convinced all the other people around him to kill themselves and then he was 100 times stronger and when he died, he was released into the ether, better than ever. Right. Right. It should be noted that I am now out of alcohol and I’m going to become very impatient as this goes on.

Professor Mohr, the skeptic, is now dictating what will happen if Romano gets enough souls to do some real damage. Well? Rivers of blood? Writhing spirits? Portents of doom? “This guy’s not going to stop until he destroys everything that’s good.” Gee, thanks Professor, but that was a little too clear. Could you vague it up a little for me? I mean, one minute, you’re all “Ho-ho-ho! Melinda, don’t be silly! Spirits don’t exist!” Then you’re like “Doooooooom!” Melinda picks up on this. “You sound like a believer.” He *wants* to believe in something more than this short rocket trip to the grave, but he believes in science and proof and facts and figures. He can’t take it on faith alone. Nice, but it won’t fit on a poster under what might or might not be a space ship.

“There lies the rub. No faith, no belief.” Thanks for clearing that up, Melinda. No. Really. I mean it. I was confused for a minute or *checks watch* 42 minutes, to be precise. They stare at each other and he dismisses her with the words “I have to plan breakfast now.” Yeah. He’s totally flirting. Especially as she turns around to go and he mouths “Breakfast!?” Yeah, you aren’t smooth guy. Before she leaves, she clarifies: Romano didn’t actually kill anybody. Like, with his hands. Nope. Jay tells her that with the way these things work, it’s best if the person he’s trying to gain control over does it him or herself. Free will, yada yada.

Seattle. Library. Robert Downer Junior. Computers. Melinda. Roll them all up into a big ball of crumpled paper and then smooth it out again and you get this scene where Robert’s looking at real estate records (Which, I dunno if I buy there being so much public information so readily available to some dude with a library card, but okay.) and finding not only Melinda’s address, but the address of the store, the cost of the property ($325,000 – Wow. She better sell a lot of antiques!) and Jim’s employer. Robert’s buddy asks him where he’s been (Except he says Kyle. Who’s Kyle? Nobody here but us Roberts). “Why, stalking this chick who wears nothing but nightgowns, my good man!” No. He says he’s busy and Buddy says it’s like he’s obsessed with Melinda. Nooooo, he just has some unfinished business with her. Well, that’s not creepy and obsessed sounding at all!

Melinda and Jim, meanwhile, are wandering around their kitchen talking about Romano. Melinda is wearing her hair in pigtails and I commend her for this. I want this style to come back in. I love pigtails and I wear them all the time! I suspect I don’t have the neck for them, but oh well. Melinda’s upset because she has to make Andrea understand that she’s the only one that can turn Romano away. She eventually figures out that “the beginning” Andrea was talking about was where she died, where all this began and Melinda needs to go back there to finish it. Good. Let’s get this over with. No. Wine. Over. Here.

Melinda drives to the spot and the road is still closed. I imagine it takes awhile to clear a plane wreck. It’s foggy (of course it is!) and Melinda has changed her hairstyle for some reason. Why the hell would you stop to do your hair? I guess pigtails don’t really say “I am gonna git you, dark spirit!” Whereas loose tendrils are like “This is serious bidness.” Melinda walks by some memorials and into some even deeper fog to find Andrea. Who is probably really jealous of all the wardrobe and hairstyling changes going on in Melinda’s life right now because she’s stuck with this ugly green sweater. She tells Melinda she can’t cross over and there’s a whole thing where they both look like they’re in real emotional distress and want to cry and I cannot take that right now. Not without another bottle of wine, so we’re going to give you the basics:

Romano told Andrea she’d be punished because the night she found out she was dead, she wished it had been her brother instead and prayed to switch places. Melinda convinces her to talk to Mitch so he can forgive her and she’ll be able to cross over. Andrea says she wished her own brother dead and she can’t be forgiven for that. Yes, says Melinda. You can. “I don’t wanna be” harumphs Andrea, and disappears. FUCK! Woman! Just cross. over. already.

Next scene. It’s 7:30 p.m. in Grandview. Do you know where your Ghost Whisperer is? Right outside your apartment staring at it, probably. Specifically, Andrea’s apartment. With Mitch. Who has cleaned up the apartment, scrubbed the walls (though the crazy writing is still there. He is so losing that security deposit!) and is packing up Andrea’s life. This is actually very sad. Oh, and, uh, Melinda told him about her abilities and says Andrea can’t cross over into the light and he’s the reason. Way to goooo, Mitch! Lightblocker. They march across the street to the antique store because “There’s a lot of her in this place and it will help us to be here.” More of her there than in her apartment? Now that’s crazy talk! It’s dark and the whole store is lit up. Energy crisis be damned! Melinda tells him to tell her a story about him and Andrea.

He picks one about how their dad died and Andrea wasn’t there, but dad told him it was okay because he’d see her again. Jeez Mitch. No stories about building forts or going for ice cream? It works though, and Andrea appears all “Why didn’t you tell me that!” Melinda asks the question out loud and Mitch says it was because he was mad at her for not being there. So they swap “I was bad to you once” stories and Andrea wants forgiveness, but Mitch says “There’s nothing to forgive.” Crying. The lot of them. Weeping, practically. “Can you forgive ME?” Mitch asks the ceiling. The violins of “Oh won’t you pleeeeeeeease forgive him so you can go into the light already” screech away in the background. Let’s just say we’re even,” Andrea whimpers. Yaaaay! But wait. Romano is stalking up to the store. He tries to get in, but he can’t because:

a) Melinda decided investing in a ghost security bubble would be a healthy investment for Same As It Never Was.
b) Melinda locked the door. With a deadbolt, yo! Those are REALLY HARD to pick and it hurts going through plate glass, even if you ARE a long-dead dark spirit rising.
c) He hasn’t been invited. Hey, he’s EVIL, that doesn’t mean he’s a heel!
d) There’s too much loooooooove in here!

If you picked anything other than d, you are living in a fantasy world where Melinda wears ratty t-shirts and boxers to bed and occasionally forgets her tube of lip gloss at home. So, surrounded by love and the remembrances of all the good things she’s ever done to help people she’s known throughout her life, and the knowledge that she is loved and she loved really well and that’s what she’s bringing into the light and MELINDA! Now is not the time for trembly, tearful speeches! Let your damn dead friend go into the light! She suddenly sees it and it’s more beautiful than she ever could have imagined. Tender music plays and I want to shove past Andrea and check this light out for myself at this point. She and Melinda share yet ANOTHER teary goodbye and before she goes, Mitch – remember him? Your brother? – tosses out a “Say hi to Pop for me.” He says “hi” back. Good. The whole family is here. Andrea shimmers into nothingness. Bye Andrea. You and your normal wardrobe will be sorely missed around here. I mean that. Melinda makes a hilariously determined face and lets one, single, perfect tear splash down her cheek before turning to face Romano, who is soooooo angry that he moves his fist up and down! Three times! Then disappears. Way to defeat that evil spirit. Through 15 minutes of talking. All in a day’s work for… The Ghost Whisperer! Mitch and Melinda hug as the bassoon of “Well, I guess that’s the last we’ll ever see of those crazy kids” warbles morosely along.

West Seattle Airport. The ticket check in is apparently outside. I don’t know anything about Seattle’s airport but… is that smart? I mean, it rains a lot there, right? Our slob friend Robert Downer Junior is attempting to board a plane to Driscoll County, but he forgot his photo ID in his car. The dude tells him he has time to go get it. So he takes off and rumages in his backpack and TOTALLY GETS SMOKED BY TWO CARS WHEN HE’S CROSSING THE STREET! Ouch. It’s not beheading, but it’s certainly a violent death. He watches from above as people gather around his body, thinking “Flying is gonna be WAY cheaper now!”

Next week on The Ghost Whisperer: Robert Downer manages to catch a red eye to Driscoll County to annoy the hell out of Melinda, who mistakenly tells Gretchen Weiners to stop trying to make fetch life happen for her husband. It’s not going to happen, Gretchen! But Melinda makes a mistake and Gretchen’s hubsand seems to be alive and well. Her BROTHERS on the other hand! One is lost on an island with polar bears and dinosaurs and the other was in a bank robbery with, like nine other people. Jay Mohr is busy preparing various meals for himself, so he can’t make it, but Camryn Manheim applies for the “new best friend” job and brings her theiving, annoying, wheeled-shoe-having son along for the ride. And a former Dead-head is played by the guy who lends his voice to Beast Boy in Teen Titans. And I watch way too many Saturday morning cartoons.

– Recapped by zooby

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About Tanis

Badass, smokin' hot and overall nice to come home to.

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  1. This is way funny – I laughed out loud many times while reading this. It is so true. And what about Melinda and her stupid fake eyelashes? What is with that?!? Seriouslly, the hair and make up people should be fired!

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  2. Why did they kill off Andrea?
    It doesn’t make any sense!

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  3. Boy, for someone who seems to hate Ghost Whisperer, you sure seem to spend an awful lot of time watching it and mocking it. Me thnks someone is a hypocrit.

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  4. shaddup already and change the channel dammit!

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  5. Oh you poor, poor people. You have no idea what’s in store. Of course, I have no intention of changing the channel! I love watching this awful show! Even more, I love it that J.Lo Hew inspires such fierce fanatacism.

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  6. Nothing sucks as bad as your 46 paragraph review for a show you supposedly don’t even like! Turn the channel and move on. Quit your bitching and stop talking so much…..I’d hate to read the boring review you would write about something you DO actually like! How many paragraphs would that be? 146?? This show is very creative and Jennifer Love Hewitt plays the perfect part. If you don’t like it don’t watch it and certainly don’t spend 3 hours writing about how much you don’t like it! What a waste!

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  7. So was it 46 or 146? I dunno. I don’t keep track. This is, of course, the entire reason for this website. I would counter your “If you don’t like it, don’t watch it” with a hearty “If you don’t like what I write about what I don’t like watching, then don’t read it.” I mean, I don’t think I held your eyeballs hostage. And a boring review of something I do like? That’s unpossible! I don’t like anything! Jennifer Love Hewitt does play the perfect part! I can’t picture her as anything other than a flighty, annoying, new-agey clothes horse. Except maybe John Arbuckle’s girlfriend in Garfield 1 through 16. P.S. Your favourite show sucks.

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  8. I didn’t read it. Mostly I just counted the paragraphs, while skimming through your ridiculous rantings. You’re right, I don’t know anything about this website, i just came across it from doing a google search for something else. I don’t really care what you think about this show, I just think it’s funny that you would waste your time writing 46 paragraphs about something you despise so much. Sounds like you are really a “closet ghost whisperer.” LOL

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  9. Oh my stars and garters! I’m offended!

    “Sounds like you are really a ‘closet ghost whisperer.'”

    … DER.

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  10. Andrea was killed off the show because Jennifer Love Hewitt did’nt like how much attention Andrea was getting on the show. It’s Jennifer”s show – not Andrea’s.

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  11. i think andrea was killed b/c Aisha wanted to go and do something else. Aisha and JLH were actually great friends.

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  12. i had watch the whole season of ghost whispherer oh well is there a season 3? who is melinda’s dad and brother

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  13. I am actually a very good critic myself and I give bad reviews only when they deserve it… I don’t think Ghost Whisperer does. I also don’t understand how you can make it sound like a freak show when in wasn’t.
    I’ve read nine paragraphs of what you wrote and didn’t bother to read the rest. What I did not like was the fact that you seem to automatically question a particular scene when you see it and not see the whole picture (You seemed to have had a good time criticizing everything even before the credits came– good luck!) which is why you didn’t realize that the scene where Andrea was able to call in the first place was because Melinda was dreaming. If you look at it that way all throughout the show (every time you watch it) then I guess I will be reading more bad reviews from you (which I will,again, not bother to finish). My teacher in ComArts taught me to criticize works for what it deserved. Not just to tell people its freaking hilarious that it deserved to be made fun of. I pity you for not being able to see the big picture and to continue to not see it. You are missing the good stuffs and… well… I guess you really don’t deserve to understand it anyway.
    Oh, btw, have you ever thought that Ghost Whisperer was too good to be true for a low budget series? That J. Lo Hew have to be the producer of this show to be able to prove that she has passion for it despite those awful costumes she kept on having? And that people only look at the crew behind that camera when they are actually curious about them? I didn’t even know that Mark Snow made those music in the credits. Guess I have to thank him because it really made a difference why those credits were so good.

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  14. So…. let me get this straight. I should watch the entire show before I criticize it. You, however, are allowed to criticize my review of the show after not finishing it. That makes a lot of sense.

    What I did not like about your review of my review is the fact that you seem to automatically question a particular part when you read it and not see the whole picture, which is why YOU didn’t realize that the part where I review the scene where Andrea was able to call because Melinda was dreaming was for the funny-making. See, I don’t write these as I go, I watch the whole show first, then go back and watch again as I write.

    So I “get it” I just don’t “like it.” Oh well, I guess you’ll just keep missing the good stuffs. You don’t deserve to understand it.

    P.S. Mark Snow sucks.

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  15. I, for one, laughed so hard I almost peed myself! This review is hysterical! So well written that even though I missed that episode, I feel like I didn’t!

    And I do enjoy the show…. it is just that everything in the review is true! I will probably laugh a bit inside while I watch it the next time 🙂

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  16. Wow this is really cool! I ebjoyed every paragraph to it and it is so true. I really like the show but this really clears up everything. Thanks fir a great read!

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  17. sinusumpakitadahilepalka

    napaka epal mo talaga. eh gago ka pala eh. kung ayaw mo sa palabas na ghost whisperer eh bakit ka pa nanunuod?! tama sila. dapat nga ilipat mo na yung estatsyon na pinapanuoran mo. haha prublema mo na kung paano mo iintindihin itong sinulat ko.

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  18. Wow. It’s not every day I get told off in tagalog.

    Rough translation: You’re such an epal (an annoying person who will do anything just to be recognized.) If you don’t like the Ghost Whisperer, why do you watch it? They’re right. You should change the channel.

    And I think the last line is laughing at me and basically asking me how I plan on responding to their no-doubt witty remarks.

    Well, sinusumpakitadahilepalka, you should never underestimate the power of the Internets and various translation sites.

    Iniinsulto mo ba ako? Sira ang ulo ka. Huwag kang magreklamo. Sipsipin mo ang titi ko.

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  19. http://www.penthius.info

    this is hosted by google.

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  20. I know this show and right on the mark! Way funny I laughted outloud. Who DOES her wardrobe? So many times I’m like, what IS she wearing?! If I walked into town like that, they’d committ me! But my husband likes the ‘soft porn look’ so whatever….I get mine in the end!

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  21. This was kinda funny, but waaaay too long to finish reading. You seem like you have a good sense of humor though. But I don’t get it. Why the hell would you watch a show then rewatch it and write a never ending review about it if you hate it so much. Are you getting paid to review the show? That’s like hating green beans then going grocery shopping and coming home with bags and bags of green beans. Plenty of shows I hate and I don’t watch em either!

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  22. I don’t feel that I need to explain my art to you, Warren.

    But FYI, it isn’t like hating green beans and buying lots of them at all. It’s about secretly liking something you know is bad for you. Like circus peanuts. Mmmm…. circus peanuts.

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  23. i do love the series,and Jennifer Love Hewitt is great actress, i think this show is very emotional,and everybody can learn of this,,i just like it..go on with more episodes,plssss…dilyan,, from barcelona, spain..

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  24. i LOVE ghostwhisperer and watch it every week..and i LOVE your review. normally i wouldnt bother reading a lengthy text like this one…but boy it was worth my time…:) you are pretty talented with words…a wordmaster…

    altho i love the show i too am findin jlo hew a bit over the top sometimes…her make up…in or out of bed its always perfect complete with fake eyelashes and lipgloss…her nightgowns…her clothes..who dresses like that anyway?? i should be lucky to dress up like that once every five years for a special occassion….i just watched an episode where they (jim and melinda) come in out of the cold and go “brrr its freezing outside..” and they think its goin g to snow…..she takes of her coat and reveals a skimpy boobrevealing red dress…. duh…

    it does seem its a jlo hew show..it would be nice if she wasnt that obvious….and why doesnt she tell her new assistant (cant recall her name sorry) about her gift?? especially since her son knows about it?? it seems she is very stand offish towards her…..she often snipes at her and then excuses herself that she either saw a spider or she didnt sleep too well….

    okay..keep up the reviews…..do you have more??or was it just the one????

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  25. i lov ghost whisperer. it is a great show.

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  26. LOL
    Do you have a lot of spare time??

    Don’t agree with anything you said but kudos on the humour, it made me laugh.

    most of the time at you

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  27. I’m being laughed at, not with? My feelings! They are hurt!

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  28. This was soooo funny I laughed the whole way through. I agree with you about Melinda and all those different nightgowns. What’s with them and her lipgloss aahhh!!!!!!

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  29. You guys are wrong Ghost whisperer rules stop critizing you bastard I ought to choke you. I like Melindas outfits they’re awesome. You critize Jennifer Love Hewitt again and I’ll tell all about you. I have her email so try me.

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  30. You guys are wrong Ghost whisperer rules stop critizing you bastard I ought to choke you. I like Melindas outfits they’re awesome. You critize Jennifer Love Hewitt again and I’ll tell all about you. I have her email so try me.
    I’m writing my own episode for Ghost Whisperer so Fuck you.

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    • Ummm…. wow. I don’t actually know what to say about this. Except that your comment is so adorable that we want to cross stitch it onto a pillow!

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      • Zooby, this was so funny! LOVE your sarcasm and smart wit! You’re one of the best writers I’ve read (might be a little over the heads of some…). Where else are you writing? I wanna read more!!

        Fellow responders, I love Ghost Whisperer too, but I can admit that it’s really really bad. Circus peanuts? To me it’s more like a really gooey pizza. It’s awesome but too much can make you nauseous, but who can stop?? Guys! You can love it AND laugh!

        Cussed in Tagalog? You are my hero!

  31. Pingback: Ghost Whisperer goes into the light « Boob Tube

  32. I am only on the first season of watching this show. Personally I love her outfits. I like the romantic, over the top outfits she wears in each episode.

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