We open with a typical zany scene between Dr. Temperance Brennan (“Bones”) and Agent Seeley Booth, this time in a swank elevator. Booth is bopping along to the kicky muzack, and Bones is all “YOU HUMANS ARE STRANGE BEINGS. WHAT IS ‘BOPPING’? WHY ‘BOP’? ERROR ERROR.” Booth and I are relieved as the elevator doors open to reveal a burned corpse and a charred, soaking wet hotel room.
A besuited and bebadged little person-man approaches Booth and is introduced to Bones as Alex Radswell, who is with the State Department. We learn that the State Department and the FBI are mortal enemies. I wonder if they have Kung Fu fights with impromptu singing and campy dancing. Radswell gets right to the point and informs the Wacky Twosome that 4 people were killed and 1 injured in the fire, which was most likely caused by a bomb. All were attending a cocktail party after a conference on drug trafficking in South America. Bones totally ignores Radswell’s briefing and instead makes an asshole comment about how his stature must be making Booth uncomfortable. She then attempts to diagnose Radswell’s “condition” and claims it’s her business because she’s a forensic anthropologist. Radswell secretly diagnoses Bones as a Twatfaced Bintasaur and graciously ignores her rather than head butting her in the gonads like she deserves.
All of the victims of the fire are do-gooders who worked to eliminate the drug cartels of Colombia. While looking at a body of a burned woman Bones notices bone shards that indicate there must have been another victim of the bomb, possibly the bomber. She looks up and finds a corpse on top of a burned out chandelier on the ceiling.
Back at the Lab the team studies the body found on the chandelier. As we can’t have gruesome death without a little titillation it’s discovered that while the young woman’s head exploded from the heat of the fire, her vagina (or “girly parts” as smoove Seely puts it) is still intact. It’s theorised that she is most likely the bomber and possibly someone hired by the Columbian drug cartels to take out the party. Her arm has occupation markers from carrying a tray, so she might have worked as a waitress. The bomb detonated in a room next to the party, blowing her through the wall and onto the chandelier. The room next door was being renovated and was full of flammable materials like cans of paint, which could have intensified the effect of a bomb. Angela quickly gets to work on a facial reconstruction.
Radswell again. B&B are on the way to interview two survivors of the bomb blast, Radswell’s to accompany them as Judge Ramos is a “friend” of the US and has diplomatic immunity. Bones is pissy that Radswell’s tagging along and accuses him of expecting people to defer to him because of his size. Then she says that Booth doesn’t want to hurt Radswell’s “tiny feelings” and that normally he’d kick someone like him through a window but since he’s small Booth is on his best behaviour. Are we supposed to LIKE this bitch? The only time she busts out of robot mode is to say something offensive. Also: why the hell is a forensic investigator interviewing witnesses?
The two survivors, Judge and Mr. Ramos, do not recognise the facial reconstruction of the alleged bomber and claim they did not see her during the party.
Back at the Lab – holy mother of God that is one swank lab – Angela and TJ take a look at some pictures of the bombed hotel room. TJ thinks there was a fire and then an explosion of paint cans. They find a “shadow”, an area on the wall that only had paint residue on it, but no residue from the fire. It’s an outline of a 6 foot tall person, who must have exited the room after the fire but before the explosion of paint cans. TJ, who is kind of adorable, clearly has a crush on Angela. She is impervious to his buggy blue-eyed charms. Zack, who we know is weird by his rumpled hair, beady red eyes, and over sharing, has identified the chandelier hanger by her dental records. She’s Lisa Winniker, a hotel employee.
B&B question a waitress who worked with Lisa at the hotel. I do not understand why Jerkass is there but whatever, suspension of disbelief and all that. The waitress states that Lisa was always scoping out the rich guys, which Bones assumes means Lisa was a prostitute, because we all know only dirty hoors check out the dudes. Lisa met a guy the night of the bombing (hoor!) and took him up to the empty room next to the party (HOOOOOR!), which apparently all of the waitresses use as a hook-up venue (MULTIPLE HOORS!!). Then…shock! gasp! the rich guy in question shows up at the bar. I could never have predicted this development. After a bit of a scuffle in which Mary Sue Bones kicks some rich boy ass (maybe they DO have Kung Fu fights!) it’s revealed that Lisa’s rich guy is Antonio Ramos, the son of Judge and Mr. Ramos, the survivors of the party bombing. DUN DUN DUNNN.
Antonio is predictably pompous and disinterested. Booth tries giving him a bottle of water to butter him up. Wow, the FBI really splashes out. Antonio has a messed up arm, which Bones figures out is a compound fracture, has five pins, and is six months old, just by feeling up his jacket for 5 seconds. SHE IS AMAZING AND SO SMRT!!!11!??!! ❤ ❤ yet she has no idea what Antonio means when he says he knew Lisa “very well and not so well” with a smug little smile on his face. Radswell barges in with Judge Ramos on his heels and stops the interview. Ha! I love that guy just for the look of pure irritation on Bones’ face. Before Antonio is ushered out by his mother Bones gets him to admit that Lisa somehow knew who his parents were. Booth exits and Bones actually confronts Radswell instead of talking over him. She makes a speech about how as a “court jester and clown” Radswell should be giving “the King” perspective. Uh, yeah. I always make bigoted comments and call people clowns when I want to win them over to my point of view. That’s why I always call my Dad “Bozo the Motherfuckin’ Honky” when I’m trying to get him to give me some money. Works like a charm. Bones grabs Antonio’s water bottle for DNA testing purposes before she leaves the room.
The FBI couldn’t find any evidence of an explosive charge, so TJ and Zack set up an experiment to see if the paint and other solvents in the hotel room next to the party could have created a large explosion. Angela and Camille are skeptical and wisely leave the room before the test, Zack and TJ are wetting themselves with excitement. Strangely the room they’re testing the explosion in has a number of expensive looking terrariums in it as well as many glass framed documents on the walls. The explosion is huge and blows out all of the glass in the room. Nice job, morons. Never discouraged, TJ enthuses that the explosion proves that the explosion wasn’t a bomb, someone probably murdered Lisa Winniker and then set a fire to cover it up. The solvents in the room then exploded, killing four people next door and propelling Lisa through the wall and on top of a chandelier.
Booth presses Radswell have Antonio Ramos declared persona non grata so he can be charged with the rape and murder of Lisa Winniker without diplomatic immunity getting in the way. Radswell refuses, Judge Ramos has taken big risks for the US. Camille calls Booth, they’ve figured out how Lisa was killed. She was strangled with something made of silk. Also of interest is some jewelry found on the victim and it appears that something slim and sharp punctured two of her vertebrae. Booth and Camille have a bizarre little secretive talk in the hallway, they’re having sex and don’t want anyone in the lab to know. Too late, because TJ totally just made them.
Bones is certain that Antonio could not have strangled Lisa, as he has a broken right arm and could not have had the strength to strangle someone. Booth tries to trace who purchased Lisa’s jewelry only to have his search blocked by the State Department. Radswell at first won’t give up the deets, but the peer pressure tag team finally get him to list types of individuals whose bank information would be blocked in the database, such as persons with diplomatic immunity. Booth makes a dumb joke about Radswell taking “baby steps” which Bones finds HILARIOUS. “I just figured it out. Hurrr. Baby steps, because…you’re so small! Huh huh hurrr!” I think she may have frontal lobe issues.
TJ sniffs Angela’s hair and hints that he knows something she doesn’t, and when she finds out she’ll know what he knows. Okay. They look at footage of the elevator on the night of the explosion. Antonio has on a silk tie.
Camille calls Zack “zackaroni” in a very stern voice. He tells her that Lisa had a broken finger and was wearing an aluminum splint on it.
Bones tries to bond with Lisa’s mother. “Anthropologically speaking…men give women gifts as a way to lay claim…” Go Captain Girl Talk. Luckily Lisa’s mother is just dying to talk to ANYONE so she spills it all. Lisa had a rich boyfriend who gave her lots of loot. He wanted to break it off, so Lisa’s mother advised Lisa to get pregnant by him. That way she’d be set for life. Moral of the story: Don’t be a trashy man-tricking hoor and you won’t get killed.
The cellos of doom play as Booth calls Bones away from the room. Lisa’s hospital forms from when she broke her finger were all signed by Juan Ramos, Judge Ramos’ husband. He was the one having an affair with Lisa. Lisa, unable to get pregnant by Juan, seduced his son at the hotel bar. Bones and Booth think Juan found out, flew into a rage, killed Lisa, and then set the fire.
Juan and family have flown the coop, so to speak. Surprisingly Radswell tells Booth what airport they’re flying out of. Booth enlists TJ to call the FAA and freak them out about a private plane flying to Bogata with crazy radioactive aliens or something equally creepy on it from Kent Island private airport. TJ thinks this is a dream assignment. TJ is successful, the FBI stops the plane, and the Ramoseses are grounded. Radswell informs B&B that they have 24 hours to get their evidence package together, the amount of time it ought to take the FBI to take the plane apart and put it back together. I don’t understand why the Ramos family can’t just take another plane.
The lab rats think about Lisa’s broken vertebrae some more. Could a high heel have done the damage? Judge Ramos is a tall woman and in heels could have made the 6 foot shadow in the hotel room. She also had on a silk wrap going to the party but left without it. (In an ambulance, I presume.) Camille, a former cop, realises that they can’t nail Judge Ramos for the murder unless she agrees to give up her diplomatic immunity. Camille touches the back of Booth’s neck and sends him out to get some coffee. He urges Bones to come along with him to have some pie. “PIE. WHY ARE WE HAVING PIE. WHY EAT PIE? PIE.” TJ and Angela wiggle their eyebrows at each other, Booth and Camille have been sussed! That should keep the nerds whispering amongst themselves for a few months at least.
Camille joins B&B at the diner to present her crafty ruse. She wants to trick Judge Ramos that the FBI believes that Antonio committed the murder, hoping Judge Ramos will confess to save him. Bones is totally against the idea, as is Booth who gives a little impassioned speech about how Americans are the good guys and always take the high road. Oh Booth, always the funny man.
In the end Judge Ramos is strong armed into giving up her diplomatic immunity. If the evidence is sent to Columbia she will most certainly be tortured and killed by her enemies connected to the drug cartels. If she waives her diplomatic immunity she will be tried in the US and we assume she will be safe from the drug cartels. Ramos caves and waives immunity. It’s very anti-climatic.
Back at the lab, TJ is carted away by two official looking men in black. He looks delighted.