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Ding Dong! That character you loved to hate is dead!

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Oh hay. So. What’s goin’ on? What’ve you guys been up to in the last month or two? Or three? Haircut? Yeah? It looks good on you! I gotta get one of those. Okay. I’m sorry I haven’t written! I’m sorry! We’re making some changes we think you’ll like.

But right now, I want to talk about Veronica Mars. A lot of you probably aren’t watching this show. I’m not sure why. It’s got cute girls, hot guys, detective mysteries, funny lines, uh, um, good music! All-around awesome, is what it is. Or, it was awesome. It took a bit of a nosedive in its third season, but things are looking up! And I am here to beg you to watch it again so the network (The CW) won’t cancel it now that it seems to have rediscovered its footing.

Basically, what you need to know is, Veronica is a screwed up, abrasive, funny, teenager who lives with her private detective father in Neptune, California. He used to be the sheriff and she used to be a popular, bubbly teen. Things started going south when her best friend was murdered. Long story short, she decided to find out who did it and has, ever since, dedicated her life to solving the crimes that take place in her town. She lost all her friends and social status in the process. If you want to know more and haven’t seen the show, well, many fine vendors will sell you DVDs of the first and second season at a not-entirely-reasonable, but definitely-worth-it price.

I am telling you this so if you aren’t completely caught up, you won’t read beyond this point. Trust me when I say you will want to not go any further if you haven’t seen everything up to and including last night’s show. Are you sure? Okay then!

 We’re off to see the wizard!

And so is Sheriff Don Lamb, who died as stupidly as he lived: Beaten to death with a bat by a meth addict, uttering the phrase “I smell bread.”

Now, a lot of the teeny-boppers who watch this show (Don’t be offended if you’re one of them! I love you guys! You’re just probably too young to really get M*A*S*H*) will not know that “I smell bread” is a line from M*A*S*H*. A soldier says it right before he bites it. And Don Lamb is a soldier. A stupid, jerk-wad, frontline grunt who frequently fucked up and made life difficult for our heroine and her pappy. Why shouldn’t he die? The fact that I had a little bit of interest and feelings (awash in ‘you douche!’ as they may be) invested in the character made the choice to kill him off that much better, that much braver.

I expect a hearty round of letters and comments along the lines of “U R Stupid!!!!1! don lamb WAS GREAT! ZOMG. i cant beleive hes ded!!!1!!11 I cryed! U heartles bitca?!” Maybe I am. Maybe I am. But ewe guys need to sheep on it before you go sending the network carazee letters about how disappointed you are in this secondary character’s death and how you’re never watching this show again! You know what, fandom? Poochie had to go back to his home planet. So just deal.

Killing off characters who are not working or who don’t have much to do is pretty common practice. Especially in a show centred around murder and mayhem. Besides, come on fangirls! You should be happy! He’s free to do a bigger series now! Make movies! Do something else where he’s given more screen time and a more complex character! He’ll go to live on a nice farm where he has lots of room to run! Or, he could be cast on Battlestar Galactica and my cylon boyfriend Leobon Conoy could kill him where he stands. Whatevs.

But seriously folks. Even though I thought Don Lamb was a prick, he was the kind of prick you loved to hate. He rankled Veronica and her father, he was a menacing, egotistical sheriff who was almost always wrong or at the very least, inept. Those are great qualities in a jerky, not-quite villain. Last season, he even showed a bit of depth, the writers subtley hinting he might have been abused as a child. The manner in which he died was kind of funny and kind of pathetic. Just like him.  

So there you have it. I really did like the Sheriff quite a bit. The actor who plays him, however, is a little strange. If the Internets can be believed (and they very often can’t, so take this with a grain of salt or six) Michael Muhney posts on fansites and thinks that, given a little time, Sheriff Don Lamb totally would’ve bonded with Veronica and taken her under his protective wing. The long arm of the law, shielding the fair maiden! Talk about not knowing shit about the character you play. I mean… REALLY! Name me an actor who posts what amounts to AU fanfic about his own character online for everyone to read! Maybe the lesson one can learn through the Wizard of Oz here is: “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

Because it would not surprise me in the least if Rob Thomas killed this character off because the actor was creeping him the fuck out. Think of all the scripts shoved under his trailer door. “Okay! In this one, we go back in time and Lamb saves Veronica from Cassidy on the roof and takes her in his arms and…” And finally, Kristen Bell called Rob Thomas all “Look. We need to talk. I got a package in the mail today. This is the fourth stuffed lamb this week! My name is not Veronica! I think I am going to call the police.” “No, no, no! I’ve written him out! He smells bread! It’s all going to be okay!”

Come on! I’m kidding! Or am I? Yes. I am. That probably totally never happened! Or did it? No. It didn’t. Unless it did.

Now, I’m not a total hardass who just wants people punched in the face all the time (but it was seriously great to see Jack get punched in the face on Lost). Sometimes, I see things I like. And I like the way Veronica Mars seems to be turning a corner. I hope it is, anyway. I was elated when Logan and Veronica broke up. And it wasn’t over something insignificant. It seems like a continuation of their last breakup. That is….

Quit asking me to change! This is who I aaaaammmmm!
Hey! I’ve changed for YOU! Why do you get to not change while I’m a changin’ machine over here!
ARGH! You are sooooo annoying! We are THROUGH!

 Aaaaaand, scene!

I think the breakup is necessary. The best part of this show used to be the fact that Veronica was such an outsider. We got a look at what a girl who stood up for what she believed in must have went through in high school. She was a social pariah and a bit of a bitch, but she was never part of the in-crowd when we met her. But having that outsider’s perspective is tough to do when you have a boyfriend who, as the rich son of a famous movie-star, is the definition of cool. Sure, he’s an instant-pudding pie of crazy underneath, but his puffed-up, cool-whip topping belies his jello-y angst-ridden interior. Truth is, I like them much, much better when they are by themselves. And they don’t have to hate each other but I miss the rapid-fire, snarky dialogue of when they did. Should Logan get together with Parker? Should Veronica get together with Piz? I gotta tell you, I don’t really care, though I do think it would be realistic for them to move on. How about that? Heck, even Mac got her groove on!

As for the Who Killed the Dean mystery, I’m interested again, now that Keith is back in uniform. It means he can no longer represent Mindy O’Dell and things are starting to look very bad for her. Which probably means she’s innocent. But this time, they’ve brought in enough secondary characters that I’m not thinking “The rapist is Moe!” three episodes in.

Kudos writers. Keep up the good work! Know that there are people who enjoy this strange, late season return to form and hope the show is renewed for a fourth season.

Things to ponder:

-Where did Parker get that amazing wig that looks like real hair, even after she’s been flouncing around in the ocean?
-Since when does Logan do favours for people who aren’t his friends?
-When will Dick deal with his issues surrounding Cassidy’s death? As much as I love fun-having, Vegas-hitched, tricky-Dick, I’d like to see a little more from him. Ryan Hansen has proven more than capable in making me believe Dick has layers. Well. Layer.
-Will Keith’s first order of bidness be forcing Sacks to shave off that moustache? His IMDB page tells me he is a hottie without it.
-What crazy amazing cable channel has NBA games, Sex and the City reruns AND Space Ghost: Coast to Coast? Cuz that is my kind of channel!
-When will Veronica’s gumshoe voiceover return? I love it and I think it adds to the noirishness of the show.
-Wither Wallace, yo? ONE line? That’s not BFF.


About Tanis

Badass, smokin' hot and overall nice to come home to.

2 responses »

  1. O hay! The show is called Veronica Mars, which you should know if you like it so much!!!

  2. I’ve been fascinated by Parker’s fast-growing hair, too!


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