Ladies and gentlemen, the mean girls of Boob Tube are proud to present the First Annual Booby Prizes!
Live from basements, attics, living rooms and tiny, messy apartments across North America, hilarious bitches present the Boobies to their favourite and least favourite, the deserving and the deserving of an ass-kicking during the Academy Awards.
And all our winners go home with a framed copy of everyone’s favourite Boob supporter:
It works well because Dolly sang at the Oscars last year. This year, she serves as the Booby Prize!
And before you go hating on us for overstepping our TV bounds, we know the Oscars are about movies, but they are ON TV, and that gives us jurisdiction! So sally forth and see who won what!
The Jabba the Hutt Memorial Prize goes to … Jack Nicholson. So now he’s bald, weirdly shaped and spotted, with his own special vocal cadence. He acts like the entire show is put on just for him. And we’re pretty sure Cate Blanchett spent the better part of the evening chained to his chair in a golden bikini.
The Faith Hill WTF!? Award goes to Eddie Murphy. Awww! Poor Norbit couldn’t keep the WHAT?! look off his face when he lost his heavily buzzed best supporting actor statuette to Alan Arkin. Please, Eddie. Remember that face when you are next encasing it in a suit of foam rubber designed to make you look like an overweight person of the opposite sex.
Best Audience Cutaway Award: Every year, whenever somebody controversial is onstage, the cameras will cut to somebody else who is controversial for similar reasons. It doesn’t even have to be controversial. Like, if Denzel Washington presents an award, the camera is cued to, like, eight black stars. Or Melissa Etheridge performs? Abigail Breslin during the presentation for Best Animated Feature. Camera: Look! It’s a child! I have heard that children like to watch animated features! Abigail Breslin: Um, yup. I do.
Best Penguin Movie Award: America loves Penguins. That is certainly true. And it would certainly explain the plethora of penguin movies or movies with penguins in them. This year, it was a tight race, but the winner is…… This cartoon somebody drew on a napkin where a penguin gets trampled by wild boars! Yaaaaay! How you like THAT, America?
The Most Blatant Oscar Grab Award goes to… Will Smith. It’s a pet peeve of ours to hear people praising this as the best work of his career. Our question to those people is this: Have you not seen any other movies of his? The fact that The Pursuit of Happyness is his best role to date is kind of like saying Parents Just Don’t Understand was his best rap song. This nomination wasn’t even deserved. WAY better actors deserved to get this honour.
The Who Let You Out? Award goes to Celine Dion. Look, We can’t even think of anything we want to say to Celine Dion except this: Go away, creepy lady.
The “I Am Not Dead Yet. No, Really! Award: Mickey Rooney. Though he looks like a baked potato with the skin off, he still isn’t up in one of those montages, so hold your applause, America.
The “You Are Nothing Like Your Character” Award
male: Sacha Baron Cohen, you’re kind of hot when not dressed up like a sweaty kazakh man. Hi five!
female: Meryl Streep? Miranda Priestly is not amused. Way to Johnny Depp it up, Meryl.
The award for Most Popular Dead Guy goes to … Robert Altman! Yup. M*A*S*H* sure was great! Sorry Don Knotts. Everybody who clapped, be proud of yourself. You made a moving tribute to beloved silver screen stars into a popularity contest. If this were high school, Robert Altman would be student body president and Don Knotts would be treasurer.
Renee Zellweger Hot Mess award: Cameron Diaz. Proof positive that Justin Timberlake doesn’t just dump girls. He breaks their hearts into piles of crazy. Are you satisfied, JT? You’ve had two women who were, at one time, America’s sweethearts. And you RUINED them! Kudos.
Best Weave: Suckas! It’s a tie! But only because the hair on John Travolta’s head looked like it came from Beyonce’s weave! He snipped it when she wasn’t looking, plopped it on his own head, then combed at it nervously every five seconds.
Weekend at Bernies award: In a shocking upset, Marc Anthony steals the booby prize from Peter O’Toole. Peter O’Toole may be a corpse, but he’s a well-preserved corpse. The best way to preserve is, of course, to pickle yourself. Marc Anthony, it seems, has went the “full body immersion in a vat of formaldehyde.” We think that’s how he likes it. Until J.Lo hauls him out for some awards show.
And now we pause to let all the snobs who have seen Infernal Affairs (or who haven’t, but say they have to sound cool) to say they liked The Departed better when it was Infernal Affairs. You have two minutes. We’re going to get some cheetos.
Welcome back! Please join us in reading this montage of people we missed:
Alec Baldwin. He’s having SUCH a good year. 30 Rock is a hit, his SNL gig was hilarious and he was in the Best Picture AND another good movie in The Good Shepherd. The less said about Running With Scissors, the better.
Matt Damon. Two great movies this year. And The Departed won! And you weren’t nominated at all! But you have a new wife and baby and are probably filming Ocean’s 13. Which we are trying very hard not to think about. Speaking of which…
Brad Pitt was nowhere to be seen. Neither was Angelina. Please note how we are calling them two separate names. Yeah. We know. We’re shocked too. Anyway, thanks very much for helping get The Departed made. Sorry about your name not being on the official win list. We understand there was some sort of kerfluffle over that. Well hey! What can you do? Maybe fuck Angelina Jolie to take your mind off it. Or dry your tears with some of your money we imagine you keep laying around in loose stacks.
Renee Zellweger’s abscence on the red carpet was a blessed relief. We are tired of seeing her weird faces and too-tight dresses. The times she has pulled it off are few and far between. The times she has looked like complete and total ass have, sadly, negated all those other times.
Back to the Awards!
Flaming Car Crash Whaaaaaaat the Hell Was That? Musical Number Award: Melissa Etheridge performs in front of a giant screen advertising tips for stopping global warming. Tip 1: Kill some of the lights on this ma’fucka. Does the Oscars need every light in the house on? Sheesh.
The Most Spontaneous Display of a Sense of Humour About Your Sad, Twisted Life Award goes to… Robert Downey Jr. It’s good to see you have a sense of humour about the drugs. And the prison. And the drugs. Did we mention the prison? Keep it together, Robert! We love you! We want you to succeed! But do YOU want you to succeed? Go Iron Man!
Most Spontaneous Scripted Display of a Sense of Humour: We wanted to give it to Al Gore just to piss off a few more right wing, neo-con assholes, but it was a little try-too-hard. Instead, we say George Lucas. Seriously. He seems like he’d be totally normal and nerdy. He’d probably totally let us play with light sabres at Skywalker Ranch. Whereas if we were at Spielberg’s place, he’d make us take off our shoes and we’d want to play with Wilson the volleyball or the animatronic ET (You totally know he has one) and he’d be like “No touching!”
Oldster Sweetheart of the Evening: Tie! Ennio Morricone and Marty Scorsese. We think we just have a thing for older guys with big glasses. Also, they should be eyetalian. And it was such a nice night for both of them!
Saucy Dame Award: Helen Mirren. We know it’s been said but… we hope we look half that good when we’re as old as she is now. We can’t believe she’s played the Queen and ladies who’ve taken their tops off. Know that if Boob Tube had a mascot for the senior set, it would be Helen Mirren. She is just so cool.
Most Cautiously Welcomed Back Celebrity: Has it been long enough? We think… maybe. Tom Cruise. No. We are not quite sure we can trust him. There’s the Scientology. That’s a biiiiig roadblock. Then, there’s the crazy way he was acting. Remember? Yeah. Crazy. But he’s got his hair cut and is back to looking good. Okay. Well, he’s back to not looking like ass. It’s a start. A very, very, very, very tiny start. Y’know what? Let’s make this a mini-award.
And for our final award of the evening, we turn to a pop culture icon of ours. We bring him out because what he does best is laugh at people. The Best Nelson Muntz Moment Award goes to: Jennifer Hudson. Sure, her boobs were… unrestrained. But can you blame them? Three years ago, total obscurity. She was probably working in a fast food joint or as a secretary somewhere. And now… she beat Beyonce! Sure, sure. Her acting was great and her singing was better and she just seems very cute and happy and pretty. But the main thing is, this is biting Bey’s style so hard! This was supposed to be HER big Oscar-winning role! And some American Idol reject up’n stole it from her! And Jennifer Hudson is going to be on the cover of Vogue and she’s apparently the first black singer to take that title. Say it with us, Simpson’s fans: Haaa-ha! Don’t worry, Beyonce. You’ll always have that cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition to keep you warm!
Well, that’s it for this year’s show! We here at Boob Tube remind you to tip your waitstaff. And remember, Dolly and her bosoms love you!