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Oh, snap! It’s a Late Night Boyfriend Rumble!

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And somebody gave Jimmy Kimmel a trident.  

I love waxing rhapsodic on late night shows, but Dear God. If any of this were to go down, I think I might cry.

Is it realistic for Jon Stewart to stay at Comedy Central forever? Probably not. But if Stewart’s biting sarcasm and disdain for the newsmedia were replaced with the menschy, ass-kissy bits of celebrity bullshit he pulls when he has a celeb guest on, it would be much to our detriment. I love Stewart. I do. If there were a celebrity I could spend the day with, it would be him. I’ve got it all planned out. We start with coffee and the NYT crossword, then go see a funny movie (NOT Evan Almighty, sorry to say), then walk around New York, then have some gyros or something while mocking tourists. There’s more, but I’m not posting a creepy Mary Sue fanfic here, people. Not HERE. E-mail me for deets…  

However much I love Stewart, the only thing about the Daily Show I HATE is when he has a celebrity guest on who is not Paul Rudd. He gets very sycophanty and you know, I don’t give a shit about Halle Berry’s new movie or whatever. I’m here to see Stewart hand Tony Snow his ass on a plate, not ask Tom Cruise why he’s so awesome.

I want Stewart interviewing the oddball media types he gets in pissing matches with (O’Reilly and Tucker Carlson) or politicians nobody else gets (Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf) or, more frequently, politicians other networks GET but don’t really interview (John Bolton). Is NBC going to let him interview Musharraf over, say, Travolta? One doubts it. My point is, Stewart only works when he’s not beholden to anybody. Being the company man doesn’t work for Conan O’Brien and it isn’t going to work for Jon Stewart. 

Besides, if Stewart leaves The Daily Show, WHO WILL GIVE ME MY FAKE NEWS!? And by fake news, I mean of course, real news with intelligent commentary behind it. Who will air clips of the White House speaker of the day saying one thing one day and another the next? Who will hold the feet of the news bigwigs to the flame? Colbert does what he can, but his show is much more about his character and how HE reacts to the news, not the news itself. Try as I might, I can’t picture any of the current Daily Show Correspondents taking over. Maybe Samantha Bee. The other night, when she explained the word “taint” (as it pertains to human anatomy) to a Morman woman? I just about peed my pants. No lie. I had to run for the bathroom and I laughed the whole time I was peeing. Too much information? Ahhh, I digress. The Daily Show has switched hands before, but come on. Do any of us really mourn a world where Craig Kilbourne isn’t a smarmy asshole every day of the week? I know I don’t.

Then there’s Conan. I know everybody is on Jon’s jock, but if it was a “You can save only one” situation, I might save Conan before rescuing Jon. If the deal in the above link goes through, this tall, cool, drink of water will be so massively screwed over he would have very little choice but to leave NBC. I mean, he stayed on because he was told the Leno spot was his. Now he hears NBC is passing him over for Jon Stewart? That’s not buddies. My feeling about the hosts is that Jon Stewart works best when pointing out faults of other news types. He’s great at delivering the zinger about the war on terror. Conan’s forte is interviewing celebrities and making them seem much cooler than they really are by highlighting his own neuroses. Sometimes, there’s a masturbating bear.

Jess D. Ripper also told me Jimmy Fallon was on Howard Stern recently saying NBC has signed him to a holding deal where he would presumably take over the Conan slot if Conan became the new host of “The Tonight Show.” After she correctly pointed out that it would just be Fallon laughing at his lame ass jokes, I said I would gladly crawl across broken glass, then eat the bloody shards if it meant never seeing Jimmy Fallon on my TV screen again.

What I would eventually like to see is Conan replacing Letterman (I think they have similar zany styles) and Stewart replacing Leno, but only if he can keep things semi serious and interview politicians and authors and swear. And why not? If you ask me, it’s time for the big three late night shows to be shaken up a bit. I’m not asking for Thunderdome here. I don’t want to seem my late night boyfriends fight to the death, mainly because it would be mostly girly slapping, but really, can’t we all just hate Jay Leno together?


About Tanis

Badass, smokin' hot and overall nice to come home to.

One response »

  1. Pingback: You go to hell, Jay Leno! « Boob Tube

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