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You killed Jason Gideon. Prepare to die.

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Fat Tony is replacing Inigo Montoya on Criminal Minds.

Personally, I love the Mantegna, but I worry about him. I mean, come on, Joe. I really don’t want you taking Patinkin’s sloppy seconds. And if you’re going to be on a show on CBS, I’d prefer it to be a good one with, you know, cute guy gods and old lady gods and goth kid gods. Ah well. They can’t all be Joan of Arcadias, I guess.

Speaking of Patinkin, as we just were moments ago, EW says he left the show because of “creative differences.” I’m confused. I was unaware that anything “creative” happened on Criminal Minds. Prime-time shows about cops and FBI agents and murders are very rarely labelled “creative.” Unless you’re Twin Peaks or The X-Files or even that one, Tarantino-directed episode of CSI. Let’s face it, cop shows get made because they’re guaranteed viewers based on the sensationalist nature of the crimes that take place. Law & Order has perfected the “ripped from the headlines” art and everything else is just icing on the cake. Don’t get me wrong, there are a few things I like about Criminal Minds. Mainly Matthew Gray Gubler being hot n’ nerdy and Shemar Moore flirting shamelessly with Kirsten Vangsness, and A.J. Cook, who was in a memorable episode of Dead Like Me and the Virgin Suicides and is very, very pretty. Also, a Darma-less Greg is a Greg I like. Take that, $cientologist Jenna Elfman!

But ultimately, Criminal Minds is a formulaic cop show. It’s better than a lot of cop shows out there, but that doesn’t make it good. It makes those other shows really, really bad. At any rate, Patinkin overestimates his value to the series and is, by all accounts, a big jerk no matter where he works. But he’s a talented jerk. I thought he was awesome in Dead Like Me and whoever killed his father had better be prepared to die. Still and all, this reminds me of Duchovny moving the X-Files production from Vancouver to L.A. (the downfall of the show), then leaving to “concentrate on his movie career.” Mmkay, Duchov. You’ve done, what since? Nothing? That’s right. No, I will not watch Californication, no matter how conveniently it airs after Weeds.

So I guess Patinkin can take that as a lesson of sorts. He’s a better actor than Duchovny, but his Jason Gideon character is no Mulder. In fact, I might just wager that Mantegna’s replacement character (Doggett V. 2.0) will be better loved than Gideon because Mantegna, like Robert Patrick before him, has a reputation as a good actor AND a good guy.

Read on for videos of talk show guests ridiculing other talk show guests, saying NBC sucks, but with music, and the song that put Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook on the map.

And now for something completely different.

Folks, I work the night shift. This means that I get home in the wee hours of the morning. Salome also works said night shift, and Jess is a night owl too. So we’re up late and Late night TV is a staple. I confess to having crushes on all the late night hosts with the exception of Carson Daly (shudder) Jay Leno (SHUDDER) and Jimmy Kimmell (I do appreciate that his show can be funny sometimes, I just don’t like him.) But my comedy trifecta (with a fourth alternate who can sub in case of injury or illness) is Stewart, O’Brien and Letterman. (Colbert is my stalwart substitute.) And of those gentleman, I confess to playing favourites and picking Conan over the rest. Perhaps it’s my affinity for tall, lanky funny dudes. His awe-inspiring red pompadour isn’t hurting his chances, nor is his involvement with two American comedic institutions: Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons.

I know this might seem a little hypocritical since I loathed and mocked Aaron Sorkin for his weird love of Gilbert & Sullivan, but I think Conan’s affinity for the Music Man is adorable. Especially when paired with his apparent disregard for NBC bosses. The man has giant brass ones as evidenced here at the Emmys:

I love the line No disrespect, but my lawyers checked and I can’t be sued!” Then there’s my favourite episode of The Simpsons, which he is widely known for writing.

But that’s not all! Heavens no! I’ve saved the best for last! There are certain guests who make Conan O’Brien better than he is alone. Denis Leary (Conan’s cousin and another of my pale, Irish, red-head boyfriends) is one. Norm MacDonald is another. These two have similar asshole reputations, but they are both AWESOME talk show guests because they’re so unpredictable. As I said before, I watch a lot of late night TV, so I see a shit-ton of celebrities hawking their wares on Leno, Letterman, the Daily Show and the like. There are certain people I hate. Like Lindsay Lohan. She sucks. She’s a terrible guest. She’s acting the part of a celebrity without the talent to back it up, so it’s annoying to see her going through the celebrity talk show motions. BUT. On Conan, I can stand her. Mainly because I get the feeling he really wants to mock her too, but still. So imagine seeing a celebrity you actually like just hanging out and chatting with a fellow comic. That’s why I like Leary and MacDonald. They show up and they might have something to promote, or they might just want to sabotage another guest with sharp, stinging retorts that are so amusingly cutting that even Conan is simultaneously laughing and horrified.

I speak, of course, of the infamous interview Conan did with Courtney Thorne-Smith. Norm was the first guest and he stuck around after his segment to rile her up. The result is, I assume, why the first guest very rarely sticks around on Conan anymore. This clip is perhaps the funniest thing I’ve ever seen on television. I love everything about it. I love Norm’s shamelessly disruptive antics, I love Conan’s desperate attempt to keep the interview going, I love Andy Richter’s quiet amusement. Heck, I even love Courtney Thorne-Smith, who seems to be thinking: is this really happening?” Yes Courtney, it is.

Norm seems almost in disbelief that he’s getting away with it and Conan, in the end, gives himself over to the moment. I saw this when it originally aired and I just about peed my pants I was laughing so hard. This is why I don’t like to miss Conan. What if something like that happens again and I miss it? Constant vigilence, people. Constant vigilence.


About Tanis

Badass, smokin' hot and overall nice to come home to.

One response »

  1. That remains the single best late night interview that time has ever known. I’d like to see Tom Snyder pull off something that hilarious!


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