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I would not watch it in a box, I would not, could not, so stop it fox.

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The Fox network angers us for a Skittles Rainbow of reasons and the colours of hate are so pretty it’s hard to pick just one. If pressed, we’d be able to stop at say, three or four: Its rampant right-wing propoganda bullshit on Fox News, the way The Simpsons Halloween special airs a good week after Halloween, cancelling two different Nathan Fillion shows without first consulting us (they seem to really hate him), and of course, its incredibly lame schedule of fall shows, new and old. ’Til Death? Still? Really, Fox? You’re asking for it, you know. 

Read on for the return of Frasier (sort of), a classy lady getting punched in the face and Gordon Ramsay desperately attempting not to swear. It’s gonna be good.  

Back to You: Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton star as co-anchors of a six o’clock news broadcast. (Wed., 8 p.m.)

Tanis - Hey, everybody! It’s Frasier! It’s not Frasier? But it looks like Frasier and it acts like Frasier. I’m not close enough to get a whiff, but I bet it smells like Frasier too. What does Frasier smell like? The sweaty recollection of last night’s martinis, goose-liver pate left out overnight, wrinkled, soiled Armani and the barest hint of desperation. Patricia Heaton plays the shrill harpy so well that I am beginning to suspect that she is, in fact, a shrill harpy! Screw sharing with Frasier! She should get her own show. They chould call it Everybody Loves This Shrill Harpy For Some Unknown Reason!

Salome - Every time I wanted to like it, I remembered that Patricia Heaton was on it.   

Canterbury’s Law: Julianna Marguilies stars as a lawyer. With morals. Who takes tough cases. (Thurs., 9 p.m.)

Salome – Monumental silliness in a been there, done that mishmash of David E. Kelly’s oeuvre.

Tanis – I spent the first minute or so of this clip wondering how Nurse Carol Hathaway gets her cheeks so rosy and the next few minutes wondering where she picked up that hot ass trench coat. So there I am, goin’ along, bored, but pleasantly so, when a witness punched Julianna Marguilies’ lawyer character IN THE FACE while testifying on the witness stand. So is Canterbury’s Law basically: When somebody punches you in the jaw, they will punch you in the jaw at the worst possible moment? If so, this is clearly the most awesome show of all time. If only she were a vampire lawyer. With morals. Dirty, sexy morals.  

Kitchen Nightmares: Gordon Ramsay screams at stateside restaurateurs, which somehow helps them fix their failing kitchens. (Wed., 9 p.m.)

Salome – You had me at Gordon Ramsay.

Jess –  The original Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares is fantastic and consists of 90% curse words. This sanitized version is guaranteed to be less charming but it’ll do when you really need to watch Gordon Ramsay yell at hapless restauranteurs. And when don’t you need to watch that?

Tanis – Look, Gord, I’m down with you reducing these idiots into quivering balls of human detritus. I love nothing more than seeing you make grown men salt the food they serve with their very own tears. In fact, I’m so down with it, I’m going to ignore the fact that now you’re on a network and can’t really swear. Three Michelin stars out of four.

Nashville: A reality series about beautiful, talented southern folk. (Fri., 9 p.m.)

Salome – If I wanted to watch a southern Laguna Beach, I’d watch Two-A-Days. And I do! So thank you, goodnight.

New Amsterdam: A man is granted eternal life, which is actually kind of a burden, when you think about it. (Midseason replacement)

TanisLord. How embarrassing! I keep getting these new shows mixed up. This guy is the hot, immortal cop looking for love, not the hot, time-travelling reporter or the hot, immortal vampire private detective. My bad. I guess it doesn’t really matter, so long as he takes his shirt off a lot. And he does.

Jess – The plot is mostly incomprehensible. Who cares? He swims nude and takes a shower in the preview, so I expect to see one of these things happening in every episode. Look Fox, can he just conduct his centuries old quest for true love from the shower? He can? Thanks Fox, I knew I could count on you to keep it classy.

Salome – What? What just happened? There some guy being foine as hell and that’s all I need.

The Return of Jezebel James: Parker Posey is a high-powered executive who can’t get pregnant but really wants a baby. (Spring Wed., 8:30 p.m.) 

Salome – Love Parker, love Lauren, loathe laugh track.

TanisThe premise of a woman so desperate to have a baby she’ll borrow her sister’s uterus is kind of not my thing. In fact, it is the opposite of my thing. But Parker Posey and Lauren Ambrose might just be the only actresses who could MAKE it my thing. Memo to the powers that be: Ditch the laugh track at your earliest possible convenience.

Unhitched/The Rules for Starting Over: A group of newly single friends finds out how hard it is to start over in your 30s. (2007/2008) 

Tanis – So, I really like Rashida Jones. (So much so that I kind of hate a fictional character for hurting her fictional character on The Office) And believe it or not, I love the Farrelly Brothers. (Dumb and Dumber is one of the most underrated comedies of the 90s.) But I don’t know that I love either enough to commit to this show. It’s possible this could be a big hit if it’s paired with the right show and the Bros are allowed to be as crass and dirty as, say, Family Guy. It’s hard to tell if this is going to be any good from the clips, but I’m pretty sure Arrested Development’s best show ever cancelled by Fox in the history of time title is going to be safe when this falls.

Salome – I’m a sucker for stupid comedy and will probably watch it in secret.

The Sarah Connor Chronicles: Takes off where Terminator 2 left off: Single mom Sarah Connor raises her future commando son, John. (Spring 2008, Sun., 9 p.m.)

Salome – Sigh. I love Summer Glau but this is the kind of show I will say I want to watch, then not watch until it gets cancelled, at which point I finally watch it on DVD and love it.

Tanis – You know, after three movies over the course of ten years or so and one strongman-turned-actor-turned-governor, I sort of assumed we were done telling the story of the robot revolution as led by the Connor family. Silly me. I might tune in to watch it once or twice, but I doubt very much that I’ll be back. Oh, come on! I had to! It’s in my contract!  

K-Ville: Two cops face the challenges of policing in post-Katrina New Orleans. (Mon., 9 p.m.)

Salome - The network should just skip it and spend the money they would've wasted on this rebuilding the pumps in New Orleans.

Tanis - I’m so sorry New Orleans. I hope something better comes along soon.  

Jess - Anthony Anderson is a cop who plays by his own rules! Cole Hauser is vaguely menacing and wooden! It’s almost as though someone at the network said Anthony Anderson is too animated, can we put him next to a finely polished block of mahogany? The mahogany is booked, but we can get Cole Hauser. Great!

That's it for Fox, stay tuned this weekend when we give the CW the evisceration it so richly deserves.

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About Tanis

Badass, smokin' hot and overall nice to come home to.

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