I had to take a short break from our posting about fall shows to comment on the Emmys.
I was chatting about the Emmys with a group of similarly TV-obsessed friends. Our first topics of discussion were based on Red Carpet rumours. The two biggest? Seacrest would sing and Britney would make an appearance to apologize for her VMA performance. Now I don’t care much about the first one, but in the debate over Seacrest, In or Out? I’m tentatively voting In. One of my biggest problem with celebrities is, they are not self-aware. He has proven multiple times that he is self-aware and I like that. Plus, I like the way he made Teri Hatcher uncomfortable. “Hellllloooo, Teri.” He might as well have said “Remember that time I had my tongue in your mouth? Good times. Call me.” It was kind of . . . dirty and mean. Hey, here at Boob Tube, we honour that kind of low-balling. Heh. I said ball. Seacrest didn’t sing and, in the end, we are all better for it. Except maybe Simon.
The second rumour about Brit-bot apologizing was perpetrated by the commentators on FOX. And I think can be best summed up by the lovely Kate Walsh’s response when the lady host asked if she’d heard said rumour. Kate Walsh (Who looked FAB and is my new girlfriend. Call me, Kate!) replied “Oh. Is she going to apologize to each one of us separately?” Ha! The answer, of course, is no. Entitled pop princesses do not apologize for their stanky, bewigged, possibly drugged grossness. Though I do smile at the thought of Britney holed up somewhere, eating cheesie poofs on the couch in stained sweat pants and looking up in shock as the beautiful, lovely, Kate Walsh mentions her name on TV. Spit takes are involved. It’s not pretty. But then, nothing about Britney is pretty anymore.
As for the best parts of the show, it’s probably a four-way tie. Katherine Heigl, who shunned the announcer for getting her name wrong, then accidentally slammed her mom in the acceptance speech. The guy from Conan, who totally praised Katherine Heigl’s mom in HIS acceptance speech and slammed O.J., Steve Carrell, jumping up and down ecstatically hugging Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert over an award they arbitrarily decided to give him because Ricky Gervais wasn’t there to accept it. Is Ricky Gervais really going to be mad? I doubt it. And David Chase: “What if, just what if, this world was run by mobsters and made guys? Oh, wait…” Haaahahaha! Oh, David Chase. Please give us another series? We’re dyin’ here! Brothers and Sisters won an award! Who even knew that was still ON? Answer: Sally Field knew.
SPEAKING OF THAT. Sally Field. Hey, Sal? After last night, we don’t like you. Not even a little bit. In fact, we kind of hate you. We really, really kind of hate you. That acceptance speech was balls to the walls the worst, most obnoxious, shrieking, what the hell are you even ON, speech I’ve ever heard! Worse than Hilary Swank shrieking at the Oscar orchestra to stop playing her off so she could thank her manager and best friend (the same person). Look, if they can play Robert Duvall and Tony Bennett off, then they can most certainly play you off.
Also, the Frankie Valli tribute to the Sopranos? FTW? As Boob Tube’s male friend Jeff put it: We’re honouring a show that made a concerted effort to use controversial music choices during poignant and important moments with THIS? We are? Okay. I don’t get it though. Was Journey not available? Don’t stop believin’, guys. And send Paulie Walnuts and Silvio out back to whack Spader. I like Spader, but come on! Boston Legal falls into the category of “Is that still on? Wow. Why?”
I also think we should ban all miniseries. Seriously, guys. When did this become “Night of a thousand shows I have never seen?” But I have heard of them. Broken Trail, Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee and The Ron Clark Story were all filmed in Calgary at the same time and I was working in the entertainment section of a major daily paper there, so I know how hard we stalked Matthew Perry and Robert Duvall. For the record: Both are kind of jerks. But at least Duvall’s earned that right. Chanandler Bong, not so much. So I’m really glad both Ron Clark and Studio 60 were shut out.
Our other big beef was the “Emmys in the round” crap. Round all right. Round like balls. Salome rightly pointed out that it’s an awards show, so it doesn’t need zazz! It’s got enough zazz! Also, this green awards thing. Until the awards themselves are made out of recycled egg cartons and each and every celebrity gets to the show by walking on their own two feet, I don’t think something as wasteful as an evening full of cameras, lights and huge, 60 foot tv screens can be considered green. I don’t care how many plastic bottles you used to make the carpet.
Kudos to Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert for pointing all that out in their bit. Here is something I don’t think anybody has suggested or thought of: Have Colbert and Stewart host ALL the awards shows TOGETHER. Also, in our version, every award will be presented by Elaine Stritch. Now THAT’S zazz!