The CW should be very scared.
The shows they do have are either not very good or on their last legs. Gilmore Girls is done and gone, ditto 7th Heaven (Thank God. Seriously. Thank you, God.) and Veronica Mars. So that leaves not a lot besides crappy reality shows. We do appreciate the brotherly hotness on Supernatural, but when you get right down to it, that show is a ripoff of the X-Files with less good production values and special effects. And acting. And writing. There’s also Smallville. But teenage Super Man is starting to get a little long in the tooth. Though we did very much enjoy teenage Justice League of hot hotties who save the world and each other. Mmmm . . . Hot Guys Doin’ Stuff. Such a great, under-represented genre. Sorry. We got distracted there.
Basically, our point is that things at the ‘Dub are very dire indeed. A corner they painted themselves into when they cancelled Veronica Mars. Now, they need out and the only way to do that is with an injection of new blood. That means some really good, solid shows that will break ground and take this network in a new and different direction. They have four. People, we here at Boob Tube do not feel four new shows are going to cut it. ABC, a network with several bona fide hits has 11 shows in development or ready to air this coming season. Heck, there are four shows laying around our collective apartments! We hope, for Dawn Ostroff’s sake, that she has several reaaaallllllly good mid-season replacements up her Old Navy-issued sleeves. Because frankly? They’re gonna need them.
See, instead of exciting, original programming, they have given us warmed-over versions of what they already had. Gossip Girl: a show about pretty high schoolers (Veronica Mars). Life Is Wild: a heart-warming family drama (7th Heaven). Aliens in America: a quirky family drama (Gilmore Girls). And Reaper: a couple guys who hunt demons (Supernatural). What? Were there no teen superhero scripts laying around to ape Smallville? The rumoured Aquaman series, perhaps? Straight up? If you’re going to go that route, CW, we’d prefer Kid Flash. Mainly because we are biiiiiig supporters of young Mr. Beaver Casablancas. Just, you know, FYI.
So things are bad at the cee-dub. How bad? Their crappy new shows, let us show you them:
Gossip Girl: (Mean girls. Mean, rich girls. Mean, rich, pretty girls. Mean, rich, pretty, catty – oh, you get the picture. Wed., 9 p.m.)
Salome – Despite the fact that Jenny and Dan and especially Rufus are all wrong and where is Vanessa?, I will plant myself firmly in front of the TV when this is on and loudly shush others when they disturb me. Post viewing: Rufus is still all wrong. Jenny and Dan are much better than I thought they would be. Everyone is much better than I thought they would be. Shhh, I’m watching my stories!
Tanis – I’ve heard from various sources the books are good, but I’ve had juuuuust about enough of Schwartz telling me that the lives of rich, famous, pretty people are going to interest me because they’re just like everyone else. Kristen Bell narrates, which will surely take me back to days of yore (three yores ago) when Veronica Mars was totally awesome.
Aliens in America: (A nerdy teen’s mom sends out for a Pakistan exchange student. If only he weren’t so… brown. Mon., 8:30 p.m.)
Tanis – One of my votes for worst new show. You know what never gets old? Racism! Yeah!
Salome – Shut the fuck up.
Reaper: (A dude finds out his parents sold his soul to the devil and now he has to dust-bust evil spirits. Or something. I don’t even know. Tues., 9 p.m.)
Jess – I’ve heard good things about this show, and I have the feeling I might enjoy this more if I were younger. That’s basically how I feel about all the new CW shows. I might enjoy them if I were younger. Or racist. Or a youth pastor who also likes nature shows.
Salome – To use modern internet parlance: Idc, tbqh.
Tanis – Don’t we already HAVE this show? Isn’t it called Supernatural? At least the dudes on that show are hot as fuck. With Kevin Smith involved, I have convinced myself the dialogue will be snappy. Or will it? Let’s see how far he gets before he realizes he can’t swear copiously or make too many overt sexual references. And I hope his TV directing is better than his movie directing. Sometimes, I think he’s a glutton for punishment. Like, being the poor man’s Tarantino isn’t enough for him. He wants to be the poor man’s Whedon, too.
Life Is Wild: (A family goes to South Africa. For some reason. Sun., 8 p.m.)
Jess – If this show teaches cruel Darwinian life lessons to 7th Heaven’s former audience, I approve. Actually, are you sure this isn’t 7th Heaven? It looks exactly like 7th Heaven with inserted stock footage of animals. A smart cost saving measure from the CW. Why bother putting the effort into developing new shows that you will fail to support in favour of “Pussycat Dolls: The Search For Someone Who Won’t Actually Be In Our Act” when you can polish up an old turd? This network’s motto might as well be “Never Try.”
Tanis – More baby lion cubs, less annoying actors, pls.
We’ll be back later in the week telling you what shows NBC and CBS thinks you’re going to want to watch. Hey, CBS, here’s a hint: It’s not Viva Laughlin.