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J.Lo.Hew., can we talk? It’s about your ass.

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You know, we KNEW there was something hinky going on when we agreed with Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Turns out, it’s totally OK to be photographed for the celebrity magazines, so long as they let you pose on your terms and turn your newly tricked out skinny body to the right angle so it looks even skinnier.

We’re hurt, J.Lo.Hew. And not just because part of the reason we watch Ghost Whisperer is to see what ridiculous costumes and nightgowns they’re going to swaddle your backside in week to week and now, it appears there’ll be less of it to swaddle. No, we’re hurt because for awhile there, it seemed like you were really reaching out to us, the common, normal women.

We really felt we knew you a little bit. With your bra commercials where you’re like “Dag. These bra straps are uncomfortable! Because I’ve got this huge rack and it can be annoying sometimes!” and your facial washing system commercial where you’re like “Celebrities get zits too! LOL!” and your “MAH BODY’S NOBODY’S BODY BUT MINE!” rage of righteous indignation you let loose with after the paps photographed you in an unflattering bathing suit during your post-engagement beach frolic.

Now, we well know the desire to lose weight when you see an awful beach photo of yourself. We cannot imagine that blown up to a billion and sold on newstands across North America and then ogled for free on the Internets. So go hard! Diet, exercise, lose the weight. Good for you! But once you’ve got the body you’re happy with, isn’t it fine to just be happy? Did you really have to wiggle your way onto the cover of US and flaunt it? Like, trust us, we’ll be watching Ghost Whisperer again this season, against every grain of better judgement we have. Why? Because. We evidently hate ourselves. But we digress. Our point is, we would have noticed that you lost weight. We don’t need you to patronize us with your diet plan and workouts. Because we already know the amazing way to lose weight is to eat well and exercise, thanks. What’s that? You mean we can’t eat this pint of Ben & Jerry’s and sit on the couch and guzzle Wild Turkey from the bottle (Ghost Whisperer-approved snacks) and expect to lose weight? Durp-de-durp! Silly us. Thanks for setting us on the straight and narrow, J.Lo.Hew.

Phew. That feels better. Now that we’re back to hating you, balance has been restored to the universe.


About Tanis

Badass, smokin' hot and overall nice to come home to.

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