You may have heard that Starz is bringing Crash to the small screen, premiering October 17th. And if you’re like me, you were probably thinking “Sweet, a series based on David Cronenberg’s car accident sex movie?”
Sadly, no. The other Crash. The one that posits that everyone’s a little bit racist but that’s okay because racists have feelings too. Sad feelings. And racists will still pull you out of a wrecked car, because it’s their job. And a racist woman’s best friend is her racist maid. And if you find a van full of human trafficking victims, just open it up and let them go free. They’ll figure something out. They can always be prostitutes. Racist ones. If you oppose racism, you’re probably ten seconds away from shooting a black guy, racistly. Also, Asians are evil. Do you feel good? I feel good!
No, wait, I’m angry all the time! And I don’t know why!!! Oh, right it’s because I hate and fear other races. Well, whaddya gonna do?
Award-winning Walker, Texas Ranger creator Paul Haggis is just a producer here, which is probably a good thing. Haggis writes like a sheltered Canadian grandmother. The kind with collectible teacups all over her house who watches cable news and thinks the US is just a big, bubbling cauldron of gun violence and rednecks and gangs. While Haggis does hail from Canada, coming from a town boasting many scenic strip malls and strip joints, he has lived in LA for many years. So there’s no excuse.
Crash starz Dennis Hopper, DB Sweeney (yes, I loved The Cutting Edge too) and Tom Sizemore (recently of meth fame). Hopper, much like Christopher Walken, will do anything for a dumptruck full of money, or even a small briefcase full of money. The biggest surprise is that Starz has enough viewers and therefore enough coin to hire Dennis Hopper. Do you know what that means? I could hire Dennis Hopper. Just have him come to my next party and do his best Dennis Hopper impersonation, maybe make some obscene balloon animals. It’ll be great. It’ll probably last longer than his last show, E-Ring. To be fair to E-Ring, I think the fact that the title sounded like some kind of sex toy scared people off.
But how will Crash fare? I’m guessing not so hot. For one thing, Starz is no HBO, or Showcase or even Cinemax. For another, no Oscar winning movie in recent memory has suffered such a quick and vicious backlash. Does anyone not regret Crash today? On top of all that, goddamn it looks bad. It looks like Heroes done as an afterschool special where everyone’s power is imparting life lessons to you, the viewing audience.