Hey, are you a fan of entertainment? Well, too bad! Fuck you!
That’s the message I’m getting from the people behind the choice of the Emmy hosts this year.
I don’t know about you, but whenever I read the names Ryan Seacrest, Jeff Probst, Tom Bergeron and Howie Mandel grouped together like that, I always hope they’re followed by the phrase “perished in a fiery flood of molten lava.”
Actually, that’s not entirely true. Whenever I hear the name Tom Bergeron, I ask “who?” Then somebody reminds me that he hosts ABC’s Dancing With the Stars. Then I remember that Dancing With the Stars is on. This depresses me. So I stay up all night staring into the abyss of third tier cable channels. Where I watch reruns of Survivor with Jeff Probst. It’s a vicious circle. The less said about Howie Mandel, the better.
Can you believe these douchebags are going to host the Emmys? It’s bad enough they’re allowed to win awards! But now they’re being welcomed into the fold with a hosting gig? Bitch, plz! Maybe this is just an acknowledgment of the fact that these people have no discernible talent other than holding microphones and showing all their teeth when they smile.
You know, I had no problems when Seacrest hosted by himself last year. Remember when he made Terri Hatcher uncomfortable? Yeah. Good times. So what the fuck, Emmys? Was there not enough smarm in his performance? Did you just want to concentrate the oil to one spot so you could better eliminate it? This amounts to tacit approval of a shit form of television and I don’t like it one bit.
At least they’re letting Heidi Klum come aboard. It was starting to look like a sausage party up in that mug. I hope they let her eliminate the dudes one by one, barking “You’re out!” in her scary German accent. Bonus points would be awarded if she said “Seacrest, out!” like it was an order.
Anyway, it’s not like I expect anything out of hosts. I just long for the days when you only needed one of them.
If you need a reminder of what a good Emmy host looks like, I offer you this video proof.