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C-dub is in the house! And the house is empty and vapid!

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We have mixed feelings about the CW. On the one hand, it has a very, very, very young demographic and its shows are aimed at teens, so we don’t quite get the appeal of many of them. On the other hand, they cancelled Veronica Mars and for that, we will forever be spiteful. On the OTHER other hand… Chuck Bass.

Man, we’re too depressed about the death of Paul Newman to make fun of the CW.

Read on for the dropping of many a Full House reference. Cuz that’s how we roll.

PrivilegedTwin starlets get an idealistic tutor. (Tuesdays)

Tanis: You know, I don’t want to watch the Olsen Twins in real life, why would I want to watch a fictionalized version of them?And the scene in the clip I saw with the Taser? Not funny. Hahahaha! People die from Tasers! Funnn-eeee!

Jess: I’m too old for this shit.

Salome didn’t even bother reviewing this show–that’s how little she cares.

90210Beverly Hills: 90210 the younger class. (Tuesdays)

Tanis: I read a bit about this in the Sunday NY Times and I guess they tried to get Jason Priestley to guest. He’s all “They approached me and said something like ‘Wouldn’t it be great if Brandon was picking up some Mega Burgers?’ And I said ‘No. That would not be great.’ ” Hahahaha. Jason Priestly turned you down! And his comment is scarily prescient for the rest of this show! I saw the first half of the premiere and it was merely OK. Tristan Wilds’s role as adopted black brother is kind of lame. It only reminds me of how fucking amazing he was on The Wire. Also, does Lori Loughlin have a portrait of herself aging in an attic somewhere? And is John Stamos’s portrait right beside it? I bet Bob Saget lives downstairs with his three daughters.

Salome: Duh nuh nuh nuh, duh nuh nuh nuh. This sucked beyond the telling. Also, I already have a nonguilty guilty pleasure and it has Chuck Bass.

Jess: I love Tristan Wilds and Jessica Walter a lot and I’m a realist. I know shows like Arrested Development and The Wire don’t come around often, so I hope that they get the attention and money they deserve and move on to better things. Last night I had a wonderful dream where Wilds had a flourishing career and all his pretty boy co-stars were coming back as the teachers in the new new 90210 on the new new CW. And you were there! And Rob Estes was there, playing someone’s grandpa!

StylistaShe and he-bitches compete for a job as a junior editor at Elle magazine. (Wednesdays)

Jess: Why watch Project Runway when you can watch people put their own eyes out just to be a low level Elle employee? The title is incredibly misleading. You’re not going to see people competing to be stylists. It should have been called American’s Next Top Intern.

Tanis: Fake, scripted, “reality” is not my cup of tea. But if the CW needs a new show next year, Boob Tube is in need of an assistant and we would be more than willing to open up our lives so that a bevy of hot, shirtless aspiring actors can attempt to placate our every mood and whim, up to and including sexual gratification. It would be more like… the Devil Wears Discount. Seriously though. This show offends me. It’s hard to get a job at a magazine and many people go to school and claw away at it for years before gaining a toe-hold. You can’t just reality show your way into it.

Salome: I would say the Hills girls beg to differ, but I beg not to acknowledge that.

Surviving Suburbia Bob Saget… lives in suburbia? We don’t really know. (Midseason replacement)

Jess: Oh wah, I live in the suburbs and I’m comfortably middle class and white. Boo hoo! I’m going to go suck on my SUV’s tailpipe! Okay, Stevia Platherson. What has the world come to when I’m thinking “Man, Bob Saget, I thought you had more dignity than this?” Motherfucking Bob Saget!

Salome: Mmm, stevia. Oh, show. Uh…Bob Saget!

Tanis: He’s rockin’ the suburbs. Just like Quiet Riot did. Bob Saget the foul-mouthed, blue-working comedian is one of my favourite people. Bob Saget the narrator of How I Met Your Mother is also one of my favourite people. Bob Saget the sad and desperate man who knows this new show is a pile of shit that is on the CW is one of my least favourite people. It’s like he’s already apologizing for accepting the dumptruck full of money! Jeez, Saget! All the good you built up, gone in the time it takes to film a shitty promo and, one assumes, a shitty pilot.

In Harm’s WayPeople do dangerous jobs at which they might die. (Sundays)

Salome: Hey Cee Dub, we watch the Discovery Channel, too.

Jess: As far as I’m concerned TV doesn’t exist at 7pm. At least it looks better than American’s Toughest Jobs. You might see a bike messenger die! 7pm, folks. Gather the children.

Tanis: Pardon me, but isn’t this just America’s Toughest Jobs with a better title? Lame blond host is all “Oh, by the way, we’re on Sundays at 7 p.m.” Who’d you have to piss off to get that time slot?

ValentineGreek Gods exist in the modern world doing whatever it takes to bring soul mates together. (Sundays)

Tanis: Please. Fuck off, Kevin Murphy. You are not Rob Thomas and this is not Cupid. I can’t believe what an obvious rip-off it is. Jeremy Piven should sue the guy playing the Eros/Cupid role. And Rob Thomas should sue the PANTS off the CW, since you know, they cancelled Veronica Mars, then ripped off Cupid. I guess, maybe he got them back, since ABC is apparently “reworking” the original Cupid. Man. That was a great show.

Salome: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve heard it all before. But it looks cute and I mean that in multiple ways, so I’ll check it out.

Jess: It’s pretty awesome that the CW canceled one of Rob Thomas’ shows only to steal another one. Good job, douchebags. I’ll give it this: Jaime Murray is gorgeous and has a much better rack than Jeremy Piven.

Easy MoneyDramedy about a family that runs a high-interest loan business. (Sundays)

Salome: I thought this was a reality show at first and I didn’t recognize Laurie Metcalf. It’s quirky and the casting as well as the premise are interesting. I’ll give it a whirl.

Tanis: And now, for the thrilling world of payday loans! Except without the thrilling. They’re billing this as a dramedy, but I hope the “edy” part of that is from “tragedy” not “comedy.” If you’ve ever had to get a payday loan, you know that there is nothing funny about them. Payday loan offices are the saddest places on Earth. You’d have to be a dead puppy emporium to top that in sadness. Minus points for non-ironic use of the word Pwn. Plus points for Laurie Metcalf being almost unrecognizable. She usually plays plain janes, so it’s weird to see her all tarted up. I really like her, but I can’t help but feel this show is a waste of her considerable talents.

Jess: I couldn’t even watch this preview without my mind wandering. It’s evidently about pay day loans and the evil people who get richer while you get poorer and somehow you’re supposed to give a shit about them. Also, did I hear the lead bland guy use the word “PWN?” Jesus. This is going to be neck and neck with Do Not Disturb in the race to the TV morgue.

Our last fall network extravaganza is ABC. We put it on hold to add some new shows that ABC isn’t promoting yet. Because they’re jerks. Stay tuned!

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About Tanis

Badass, smokin' hot and overall nice to come home to.

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