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Ghost Whisperer: Flames! Flames on the side of my face!

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Previously on Ghost Whisperer: There are tunnels in Grandview, Melinda and Jim are gonna try to have a baby, Professor Jay Mohr sees five shadows, though there are six of them. OMINOUS! The last time WE talked about Ghost Whisperer, a spoiler so huge we didn’t believe it at first knocked us on our asses. This spoiler has not yet come to pass, but it very well could. In fact, it seems like only a matter of time. Tick Tock. But on to the fourth season premiere.

So we open in bed (of course we do) and Melinda is wearing a PUH-LUNGING nightgown that consists of mostly black lace and dreams. I just bought a bra like this and let me tell you, there’s a reason they make your boobs looks hot . . . that reason is because you don’t want to be wearing it for too long. Anyhoo, Melinda wakes up and Jim is like “What up, dog?” And she’s all “Lets not stop trying to get pregnant.” It’s a reminder. Because the new “I’m Melinda and I’m a newlywed” is “I’m Melinda and my husband and I are trying to have a baby.” In the middle of their chatty baby talk, Jim gets a call about a fire at Rockland University and they both rush to get dressed. Jim because it’s an emergency and he’s a paramedic and can be helpful, Melinda because she’s a busy body and this negligee is KILLING HER BOOBS.

At the scene of the fire, Jim goes to do his job and Melinda runs around looking for Professor Jay Mohr, who makes himself known in the most arrogant, annoying way possible. He brings up the five shadows/six people thing and asks if she thought it was an omen or something. But Melinda doesn’t answer because she’s busy watching Jim shock Professor Jamie Kennedy back to life.

She watches as his spirit is tethered to his body by the shock paddles. A mysterious black lady in a yellow robe is watching Melinda watch. Professor Jamie Kennedy’s female friend gets the “sheet pulled over your head” treatment. When Melinda gets to the hospital, she sees mysterious black lady watching over the new professor, who has patches over his eyes and is gesturing wildly as he talks to a blonde woman standing by his hospital bed. This being Ghost Whisperer, I’m going to bet one of them is dead as a doornail. Jim washes up and spouts some exposition about how Professor Jamie Kennedy is a psych prof with a practice at the university. His office was in the building that burned and his eyes are bandaged because of swelling from the smoke.

Not feeling the need to give him time or anything, Melinda barges into his room to tell him about how he sees dead people. In fact, she tells him the person he’s talking to right then and there is dead. He reacts thusly: “BUH?” Actually, he pulls the tape off his eyes and is all “Who the hell are you?” Good question. Hey, Jim, you might want to keep better track of your Ghost Whisperer. She’s interfering with your patients. (Remember that folks. There’s a quiz later.)

Also, Professor Jamie Kennedy’s friend is Meg Manning! Hey, Jamie Kennedy, J. Lo. Hew, you guys can go home. Veronica Mars totally already solved this mystery! Beaver crashed the bus!

CREDITS! I have to say, Mark Snow, I’ve been watching Fringe lately, and the guy they have doing the music on that show is clearly a protégé. Except instead of the meandering oboe of woe, his go-to instrument is the trombone of impending doom. Which he brought over from Lost. He’s seriously giving you a run for the money in annoyingly obtrusive musical touches. I MIGHT even say that he’s MORE annoying than you!

Jamie Kennedy made the credits. Damn. I was hoping to delay the inevitable and extend my disbelief that Professor Jay Mohr was leaving. Here’s where I should admit that I actually like Jamie Kennedy as well. I know, I know. Two semi-famous comedians famous for side roles in movies? And they’re not even really hot? I know. I KNOW, OK? I liked Jamie Kennedy in Scream. There. I said it. There may have been a time when I even went out of my way to watch his other movies. Verdict: Not worth it. But now, I don’t have to go out of my way. I just have to not have a date Friday nights. Which… done. Sigh. I need a bottle of wine.

Same As It Never Was. Note the new sign and location and everything. A fire on the Universal lot damaged many of the sets, so lots of what you’re seeing is, um, the same as it never was. Melinda, Delia and Not!Ned are sorting some old crap. Not!Ned is being a completely atypical teenage dude in that he’s pretending to be interested in the nonsense his mom’s friend is interested in. I think Not!Ned’s desire to sort through musty antiques might have something to do with Melinda’s cleavage.

They toss around a few theories about why Professor Jamie Kennedy can see ghosts too and also wonder what he was doing with his attractive female patient so late. Discussing sex with your mom and her friend. Not at the top of any teenagers “to-do” list. Yet another reason this show is completely lame. I mean, everybody always wants to help Melinda. Can’t we have just one person be a non believer? Even the supposedly skeptical Scully character of Rick Payne turned into Fox “I want to believe” Mulder. I hope you manage to pull through, Jamie Kennedy.

Speak of the devil, Melinda decides to take her inappropriately gown-y green dress (But not a real green dress, that’s cruel.) to the hospital to check up on Professor Jamie Kennedy. He is not having any of this “You see dead people” bullshit. He believes he’s suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. He tells her he doesn’t do well with “her type of nut job.” He doesn’t have the patience and likes to “keep it real.” He insists he hasn’t seen any ghosts. The dead lady standing in front of him begs to differ. Melinda quickly deduces that he CAN’T see them. He can only hear them. When she and the ghost start chatting, he freaks and leaves with Melinda shouting after him that if he tries to shut them out it will only make it worse.

I hafta say, if I had a near death experience and somebody told me I was going to have to listen to the dearly departed for the rest of my life, I’d react much the same way as Puffy Jamie Kennedy here. But Melinda can’t figure out why he wouldn’t want to stick his nose into the undead’s business. So she goes to see resident sloucher and disbeliever turned believer Professor Rick Payne who is packing his shit. She wonders why everybody is leaving her. Sometimes, a guy’s gotta leave to go do a crappy pilot on CBS, Melinda. Let’s just leave it at that.

Melinda delivers some seriously painfully written exposition about Professor Jay’s “sabbatical in the Himalayans.” She clearly is not as OK with this as she’s pretending to be. Professor Jay Mohr seems surprisingly OK with it, considering he’s leaving for Gary Unmarried which looks like total and complete poop. Before he goes, Professor Mohr tells Melinda Professor Jamie (It’s Eli, but we’re going to go with Jamie or Professor Jamie or Professor Jamie Kennedy, depending on how much I want to type) is not well liked in his own department because of his unorthodox methods with patients. Unorthodox… patients… hmmm. Who does this remind me of? Doug Ross? Doogie Howser, MD? Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman? No. Dur. Melinda.

Professor Jamie Kennedy is sitting in a bar trying to order a drink. But he can’t hear the bartender over the ghosts clamoring for his attention. He looks crazy, obviously, as he dances around, hands over his ears, trying to get them to leave. Melinda saunters in wearing her “Nothing underneath!” trench coat and tells the bartender she’ll handle it. She proceeds to tell the ghost chorus that she’ll help them, but it’ll have to be later or not at all. They protest and she hilariously yells “OR NOT AT ALL!” I actually laughed at this. Am I losing my hard-hearted touch? They leave and she counsels Professor Jamie Kennedy on speaking with spirits. Mark Snow’s warbling oboe meanders along as Professor Jamie Kennedy wonders where the meandering oboe is coming from and who the hell Melinda is. All the ghosts are gone, except Meg Manning.

They chat and he worries he might have to spend the rest of his life listening to ghosts. She tells him it might go away, but Melinda warns him against trying to make it go away. Her mom tried and it hasn’t worked. Just then, Meg appears and tells Professor Jamie she doesn’t blame him. For what, Melinda asks. Oh, you know. Prescribing the wrong meds. Unwanted sexual advances. A bad grade. That time he made her cry in therapy. HER DEATH, Melinda, you rube! Meg (her name here is Fiona, but I can’t be expected to remember this all the time. I’m on my second glass of wine.) disappears as Jamie looks sketchy and guilty and a cop takes that as his cue to come into the bar (he’s either a REALLY good detective, or this is the professor’s regular watering hole.) to tell Professor Jamie Kennedy he’s wanted for questioning in Meg’s death. Melinda gapes us into commercials.

We return at the police station. I guess the cop was nice enough to wait until the next day, because Melinda has changed clothing (her dress looks like Laura Ashley spewed onto it and gives the impression that her hips are insanely wide) and recruited Jim to do her snooping for her. He exposits that they found traces of accelerant near the prof’s office, but they don’t have enough evidence to charge him. At this, he leaves and Melinda ditches Jim to follow. She somehow convinces him to give her the dirt on Meg and they chat over coffee.

He was treating Meg for co-dependency issues with her ex boyfriend who’s been messing with her head since high school. She wouldn’t open up, so professor Jamie would take her to the track, where she started to talk. Ken, the ex, is a bit of a superstitious nut. He believed Meg was seeing another man and Melinda wonders if she was. The professor balks at this, but does admit Meg was coming down with a classic case of transference.

Oh come on. I like Jamie Kennedy and all, but he is far removed from the awkwardly cute film nerd from the Scream movies. The years have not been kind, and neither has the hair dresser for this show. He looks more like a dorm student than he does a professor. Sigh. Suspension of disbelief fading, fading! He says the night of the fire, Meg called him to tell him she had to see him. They fought and he said he’d refer her to a colleague and the next thing he knew, there was smoke, he couldn’t breathe and he was dead. The rest, we know.

So Melinda leaves it at that. And the next thing WE know, we’re watching Professor Jamie Kennedy come home to his wall of Meg. There are post-its stuck to a mirror along with photos of her, including a long photo booth strip of the two of them. There’s a Xerox of a sheet entitled “Cutting yourself?” Nice. One note is taped next to Meg’s photo. It says, simply: HOT. Awesome. Professor Jamie Kennedy is a creepy douche. I love this new character! Way to go, Ghost Whisperer team!

Meanwhile, Melinda noses her way into the roommate’s place. The dude and dudette who roomed with Meg reveal that Professor Jamie Kennedy didn’t act very professorial. He showed up at all hours and would take Meg for dinner and drinks and stuff. Melinda asks if there was anything romantic going on. The roomies say he wishes it had been and Melinda picks up on the lack of family photos, but neither roomie knows what’s up with that. Professor Jamie Kennedy is boxing up the Wall O’ Meg and drinking away his sorrows. He lives in a REALLY nice old apartment in what I imagine the producers want me to believe is Grandview’s seedy underbelly, based on the eerie sirens interrupting the prof’s fire-escape beer. He hears Meg’s voice say “Eli, no” and gets up to investigate. The lights go off and the lid flies off the box of Meg’s stuff. He gets closer just in time to see it burst into flames. Thinking quickly, he douses it with his beer. Good job, professor. Meg’s voice is all “Please. Please. Make it stop.” She does not take kindly to being boxed. The long and short of it is, Meg wants Melinda to butt out. Jamie whirls around, confused.

Instead of ignoring Melinda, he takes the box directly to her. And Professor Jay Mohr! A meeting of the professors! Hooray! I hope they don’t spontaneously combust!

Professor Jamie reveals that Meg is a fire bug who burned down her house when she was 12. She was so young there were no charges and no record, but she was a ward of the state and it went into family services files, which he had access to, being her therapist and all. Her parents died when she was three and the house she burned down was her foster father’s, and he abused her physically and mentally. Melinda wonders why he didn’t say anything and he says he feels responsible. Professor Jay Mohr is all “Let’s hurry this up and take it out of my office, people, I have a sitcom to fail miserably at.” He asks why Professor Jamie is coming clean and he reveals that he heard her again last night and she was threatening Melinda. Instead of expressing concern, Professor Jay smells Professor Jamie’s notes and they explore their mutual love for Eastern European pilsners. Melinda and I role our eyes. They decide to try to talk to Meg’s foster father.

Too bad, he’s dead. Luckily, they found a chatty case worker who remembers everything. I love it when that happens. Melinda and Professor Jamie question Chatty Cathy, but she doesn’t want to share, until the perfessor reverse psychology’s her. Seriously. And she falls for it. “Fine, don’t tell us. We don’t want to know.” “Are you sure? Here’s what happened.” She spills about how there were two other foster kids in the house Meg tried to burn down. Gee. I wonder if one of them will turn out to be Meg’s reticent male roommate. Chatty Cathy knows, but she absolutely can’t say who they are. She can, however, speculate openly about how Meg took the blame because her siblings were old enough to have charges pressed if they had started the fire.

They go back to see the roomies and I congratulate myself on a ghost well whispered. The roomies tell Melinda and Jamie to go ahead and try to contact Meg. They can feel her spirit hanging around, too, it seems. The male roommate, Christian, draws attention to himself by asking them to ask Meg about a CD of Meg’s he wants to keep after they “release” the rest of her stuff. Melinda smiles at him and bats her eyelashes, not an easy effort, as they’re coated in about a pound of mascara. I bet Jennifer Love Hewitt buys her makeup remover in bulk.

Anyway, they go to Meg’s room and call her. Meg was a fan of beaded curtains. I love it when people decorate with a mind to the day two ghost whisperers will visit and enquire about the tragic circumstances of their deaths. The curtain thingies jangly ominously to let us know Meg is right there. Melinda asks if she set the fire and she’s all “Duh. I knew he would be in there.” But that’s not the fire Melinda was talking about. Meg takes the blame for both, but Professor Jamie Kennedy is like “Why work so hard to make me think you’re an arsonist?” She’s all “What do you want from me?” He’s all “To help.” She’s all “When have you helped anybody?” Melinda’s all “FOCUS, people! I just remembered a conversation I wasn’t a part of.” She says Meg told Professor Jamie Kennedy to leave “us” alone. Who’s us? Meg looks charmingly guilty, then spontaneously combusts, scorching the rug. Melinda and Jamie take turns wondering “what the hell?” Melinda believes it all goes back to that first fire and thinks they need to find out who else lived in that house.

So of course, she goes to city hall’s archives. Where, I’m sorry, they do not keep records like that for any nosy Nellie to paw through at random. She finds what she’s looking for. Predictably, it’s in the magical first box she opens. The records reveal, well, what she already knows. That there were an older male and an older female also in Meg’s foster home. Fiona – uh – Meg appears and tells Melinda some things are better left unknown before the place starts flooding with smoke.

The professors tried with the county for the records, but they can’t get one without a court order. Too bad Melinda befriends professors instead of judges. They both joke about how they don’t believe in all this crap and treacly piano music of true wuv plays as Professor Mohr inadvertently reveals the depth of his feelings for our gal Mel. But that’s not important. What’s important is, Jay Mohr and Jamie Kennedy are solving the crime! Jinkies! The male roommate is weird for wanting to “release” her possessions and keep the CD of Africa folk music. Jay Mohr is all “There’s an African tradition that blah blah blah burn all her crap to release her spirit.” I saw that on an episode of Friends once.

Eureka! There is no possessive boyfriend! It’s her foster brother! Who is now her roommate! Who she was trying to protect! Because she didn’t start the fire! No she didn’t light it, but she tried to fight it! Phew. You have no idea how long I waited to pull out that joke! Melinda is realizing the same thing about Christian, the roomie. But not because of her deductive powers of reasoning – because he’s sitting in the basement of records with lighter fluid and a rag. He basically confesses to starting the fire and killing Meg by accident. He claims Meg will never forgive him, but she appears and Melinda tells him she already has, but it’s too late. He slumps over and the fire is spreading and Meg is freaking out. Oh my! Melinda orders her to go get Professor Jamie Kennedy. So nice that there’s now a second ghost whisperer about!

Professor Jay Mohr is worried about Melinda, who hasn’t answered her phone. Professor Jamie Kennedy must be providing some interference with his ghost to ghost radio. He hears Meg telling him about the fire and that “that woman” is in danger at the archives. Professor Jay Mohr, ever the scientist, pats the air around Professor Kennedy as he gets the message. Science!

Melinda and Christian melodramatically huddle in the burning basement. She tries to knock over a shelving unit to get out the back door, but it’s bolted to the floor. So she sits down to die. But not so fast! Super Jim is grabbing some java when he gets a call from Professor Kennedy. He hopes in his ambo-mobile with a “To the archives, Jeeves! My busybody wife is in trouble AGAIN!” I bet Jim’s partners are used to this.

In the ghost archives, Melinda’s friendly neighbourhood mysterious black lady shows up. She loosens the bolt on the shelving unit WITH HER MIND and disappears as Melinda drags and unconscious roomie through the newly free door to the… root cellar beyond? Yeah. I can see why a city hall archives would need cold storage. The mysterious black lady, now backed by some mysterious white ladies (together, I’m going to call them the grey ladies, since that’s what you call melancholy female ghosts) tells Melinda they’ve watched her and others like her do what they do. She says Melinda doesn’t know the price for meddling in these affairs.

“You move between the worlds of life and death. Like your friend (Professor Jamie Kennedy) sometimes you come back from one with a touch of the other. Be careful. It might brush off.”

“On what?”

“On what you touch.”

The grey ladies disappear. And apparently, Super Jim saved the day. The fire is out, but he’s trying to get Melinda to don an oxygen mask. It SO doesn’t go with what she’s wearing. She passes. He leaves to get her some water. What a charming single smudge of soot she has on her perfectly made up face. Oh, Ghost Whisperer! Never change!

Across the way, Meg worriedly watches Christian be treated by paramedics. As soon as he’s stable, the cops callously arrest him. Meg stares over at Melinda all “You! Me! After school!” Melinda is like “Noooooo!” So she makes amends by gathering Christian, Professor Jamie Kennedy and Meg. Detective whoever chats with Jim and they shake their heads all “That’s my Ghost Whisperer!”

Professor Jamie Kennedy is going to protect Christian. He gives Meg his word. She tells him to save it, but he’s going to reveal that despite doing the honourable thing to break off their doctor-patient relationship, he did have feelings for her. Melinda blinks knowingly, the better to show us how lovely her freshly applied makeup looks. Amazing. Not even fire can dislodge it!

Meg is all “You love me! You really love m- wait. I’m dead. What am I supposed to do with all that?” Professor Jamie Kennedy tells Meg to take “it” with her, wherever she’s going. Conveniently, at that EXACT moment, Meg sees the light. Alona Tal has really nice eyebrows. Before she goes, she tells Professor Jamie Kennedy he’s a really good doctor. He says he isn’t sure, but she is. Her heart was broken. Now it’s fixed. Mark Snow hammers away at his twinkly music of ghosts crossing over.

Professor Jamie Kennedy is all “Phew! Is it always like that?” No, Melinda tells him. Sometimes, it’s better. Oh? Like, some day, he’ll get to help his mother or sister or wife cross over? Awesome. The professor wipes away a single glycerin tear and grins and they leave, arm in arm

There’s JUST enough time for something else to happen. But first! Chinese! Melinda, Jim and Delia are chowing down and Not!Ned is their waiter. Of course. He’s charmingly terrible. And there’s parenting advice. Melinda sees Professor Jay Mohr’s truck and excuses herself.

He gets out and asks her what’s up. She left him an e-mail that was all “come see me before you leave or be careful.” She tells him she meant to be careful in general, but she’s not joking her way out of this. “You care about me. That’s why you’ve been so mad. I figured it out. You don’t want me to go.” Aw. I would like you to stick around, Professor Jay Mohr. I feel really bad for your crappy new show. I feel even worse because it’s on CBS, where it will likely be allowed to suck for a very long time.

Melinda gets teary when she reveals he’s one of her best friends and it hurts to know he’d pick an old pile of artifacts over her. Uh, Melinda, you’re married. To a SUPER HOT PARAMEDIC. Too late. She’s crying. He hugs her and promises he’s coming back safe and sound. Like when her husband dies and leaves her pregnant and alone? Promise? He promises. And then he leaves. And Melinda cries and cries and cries and seriously looks really hideous. Too much makeup and bad hair plus tears equal nobody’s friend, Melinda.

Wow. The sun is coming up where I am. I can’t believe I got all the way through that in one night. I can’t tell a lie. It required a lot of alcohol. I better stock up. I promised myself that this year, I would recruit Jess and Salome to help force me to recap every episode of this craptastic crap fest.

One down… many more to go. Sigh.


About Tanis

Badass, smokin' hot and overall nice to come home to.

One response »

  1. I love what you had to say, that’s a reference from the great Madeline Kahn in ‘Clue’ right? Hahaha, I also agree, JAMIE KENNEDY IS A HORRIBLE ACTOR AND IS RUINING GW.


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