Frankly, ABC, we think you could be trying harder. I mean, come on. Until recently, you had only four new shows. One of them is a remake of a British series, one of them is a shitty game show and the other, you got in NBC’s bargain bin and didn’t realize until you got it home that it was irregular. So we can see why you’d then rush three other shows out there. What we don’t understand is why those shows sound so mediocre.
Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy are garbage. Private Practice, we only watch because Piz takes his shirt off sometimes. And God, do you even KNOW that you still have According to Jim and Boston Legal on the air? Because you do.
There are a few shows from last year that we never watched that are still kicking around, including Eli Stone, Dirty Sexy Money and Samantha Who? What? Exactly. Shit, Samantha Who? Even won an Emmy! UNACCEPTABLE! Do you know what’s worse? In the upcoming section of their website, ABC lists the following as a mid-season replacement: Untitled Ashton Kutcher/Tyra Banks Project. Great. Now we have to commit seppuku. Hasn’t Ashton Kutcher sort of had his day in the sun? Doesn’t he have to have another hit soon? How long can he coast off Kelso and Punk’d? Oh. Forever? Thanks America.
There’s something else. Lost. Lost, Lost, Lost. Where to begin? Oh, we know! This show, which was once so promising, is now the biggest pile of crap on television. The end. It makes zero sense, travels in circles, introduces new characters every episode and is frustratingly assuming that everybody loves Matthew Fox. We do not love Matthew Fox. You know what’s interesting about him? NOTHING. So stop having him in EVERY episode! If we were stuck on an island with a bunch of people, we would not be listening to the doctor when it came to strategy. If we fell off a cliff and needed a blood transfusion, we’d totally let him transfuse us with vines. But when it comes to attacking the crazy other group of others, we think we’d be listening to the beautiful, bronzed Iraqi soldier. Oh, Sayid. Mentor us! Please! Ahem.
There are two very bright spots on this sked: Ugly Betty and Pushing Daisies. They are both ridiculous shows with candy-coloured worlds that provide us with some rare moments of escapism. Don’t disappoint us, Betty. Bring us Henry and Gio and Jessie and, uh, oh yes, some cup pies. If you would. Mmmm. Cup pies.
Castle – Nathan Fillion does stuff. We drool. Just kidding. It’s about a novelist who helps detectives solve crimes. (Mid-season replacement)
Tanis: Does this look good? I don’t know. I think it looks like… the fake CSI-esque show with Alec Baldwin and Jason Bateman that Kristen Bell’s character from Forgetting Sarah Marshall starred in. The website says it’s “based on a famous crime and horror novelist who helps the NYPD homicide department solve crimes.” The “based on” part of that sentence makes me think there’s actually a novelist who helps the police. What, like Stephen King isn’t busy enough what with writing hundred bazillion word novels and that column for EW? Whatever. I am not really all that picky. All I ask is that Nathan Fillion get a chance to do a series. Any series. Please.
Salome: Shhh! I’m Fillioning. Good, bad, Desperate Housewives – if it’s got Fillion, it’s got me.
Cupid – A man who believes he is Cupid is paired with a court-appointed psychiatrist who is writing a book about love. (mid-season replacement)
Salome: See my comments about Knight Rider, Xerox them, and staple them to this show.
Tanis: I literally cannot believe this is happening. I love Rob Thomas so hard. For seriously. He and Veronica Mars are to me what David Milch and Deadwood are to Jess. Ergo, Cupid is like Rob Thomas’s NYPD Blue. Except better, because David Caruso was never involved. The original Cupid, which aired in 1998, is everybody’s first pick for “brilliant but cancelled.” Now it will be everybody’s first pick for “this was a horrible idea.” I like Bobby Canavale. I like Sarah Paulson. But they aren’t Jeremy Piven and Paula Marshall. I mean, are they remaking the episodes? They’re moving the setting from Chicago to New York, so that seems unlikely. I kind of feel like all the heart has gone out of this. No pun intended. Instead of watching this, I’m going to blow the dust off my VHS tapes of the original series that I got from a fellow Internet nerd and watch those.
The Unusuals – NYPD Blue meets The Office, or so we’ve heard. (mid-season replacement)
Salome: I love the concept but the tone seems uneven. Hopefully, they can find their footing quickly. Also, you’re putting Amber Tamblyn on my TV again. *small red cartoon heart*
Tanis: So this is detectives or something? I wasn’t really paying attention, I was too busy trying to picture Amber Tamblyn as an adult and failing. I’m sorry! I just can’t! She was just in high school yesterday! Talkin’ to God! Who was a hot guy! Hey, you know what would be awesome? If that show Amber Tamblyn made for CBS about zombies had gotten picked up. Zombies! Get on my TV! Also, I see from the still photos that Adam Goldberg and Harold Perrineau are doing the “put your hand on this copy/machine lie detector” act with a witness. Yeah. Already saw it. On Homicide: Life on the Streets AND The Wire. Not impressed.
The Goode Family – Animated Mike Judge show about damn dirty hippies. (Mid-season replacement)
Jess: I’m not sure about this. We don’t really have much to go on yet. Making fun of hippies seems like well worn territory but I loved Mike Judge’s Office Space and the little seen, horribly mishandled Idiocracy. I’ll wait and see.
Tanis: You know, the Nazis had shows like this they made the Jews watch. Anyway, what if Hank and Peggy Hill moved to a blue state? And were opposite of who they are? This. That’s what.
Salome: I thought the bit about the adopted white kid from (South) Africa was funny, but this feels like Mike Judge et al just put King of the Hill in a bowl with a few new ingredients and stirred.
Life on Mars – A modern-day detective is transported back to New York in 1973. (Thursdays)
Tanis: Time traveling cops, eh? I see somebody took my suggestion from last year literally. I will just go ahead and assume that my Emmy invitation got lost in the mail. Don’t worry. I can accept via satellite. I’ll just need Nathan Fillion to accept on my behalf then hand deliver it.
Salome: I’ve never seen the original and the preview clip seemed interesting and kind of funny. I can’t help thinking, Man, it would suck to be a police officer who knows about DNA in a world where other police officers don’t. Officer Tyler, find Kary Mullis and tell him three words: polymerase chain reaction.
Jess: The original was something I intended to watch but never got around to. Now I’ll have to hurry up and do that so I can jump on the “This sucks compared to the British series” bandwagon. Unless the remake really brings something new to the table, something better than charming limey accents, I think I already feel safe in declaring it sucky compared to the original. No, that’s not fair at all. It’s a good thing I’m not a real TV critic.
Opportunity Knocks – The game show that asks: How well do you know your family? (Tuesdays)
Salome: Whadya mean, “Why is this country so wasteful?”
Tanis: People reveal how soul-crushingly little they know about their own family members for the lure of the almighty dollar. The American dream lives on.
Jess: When I Googled “Opportunity Knocks,” I got results for a Canadian game show from the ’40s, a British game show from the ’70s, a Dana Carvey movie, and a trailer for an independent film, all well before I got to whatever this is. Okay, I know what it is. It’s a game show where you have answer questions about your family. It’s boned. I would rather watch anything else on Tuesday nights: House, NCIS, Nova, 90210. Anything.
Scrubs – NBC show about a hospital janitor and the doofus doctors that surround him moves to ABC. What? That’s the only way we can watch this show anymore. (Mid-season replacement)
Tanis: Look, Gladys, I’m very very very very very very very very very tired. In short, gosh, Braff, we hate you. We hate you from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. We hate you. By God, we hate you good. I can’t believe I once thought to myself: ‘This show is the best show ever.’ That’s how far it’s fallen. Great. Now I’m sad. *Cue maudlin indie music and teary voiceover about how I learned something about myself.*
Salome: They shoot horses, don’t they?
Jess: Zach Braff can eat a bag of dicks as far as I’m concerned. I can’t wait for this to be over so we can all finally cut Braff’s career adrift and let him float into doucheblivion.
And that’s it, folks! ABC was the last entry in our “rate the networks and their ability to not suck” application this year. We bid you good watching!