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ABRAAAAAAAAAAAMS!

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J.J. Abrams was on The Colbert Report last night. Is it wrong that I really wanted Stephen to find some way to force him to give away the ending to Lost so I don’t have to hear about how good it’s getting again?

WRONG AGAIN, Entertainment Weekly. WRONG AGAIN. Lost is NOT getting good again. It, in fact, continues to be horrible in every way shape and form. I promised myself I wouldn’t go off on a rant here, but… Jack now believes that if only they hadn’t crashed, everything would be great. Derp. Good thing they find a magical journal that tells them how to avoid said crash! Oh, deus ex journal! I love you so! P.S. This whole conundrum over Jack/Kate, Kate/Sawyer, Sawyer/Juliet, Juliet/Jack? I’m pretty sure it’s the cause of swine flue. Or whatever pandemic will ravage the world in the future. Frog Fever, let’s say.

Below, I’ve gone through a few shows that I’m watching or not watching, as the case may be, and reasoned through why. If you don’t click, you’ll be missing my pointed commentary on many things, a Venn diagram equation, my moment of mustache weakness and a bunch of shows you were probably unaware even still existed. *cough*The Unit*cough*

New shows I am watching:

The Unusuals – Against every fibre of my being, I find myself attracted to Adam Goldberg and his creepy cop mustache. I apologize world. Also, Amber Tamblyn, though she still reads kind of young, is fantastic. There was a scene in the third episode where she tries to convince her partner to help her out by pretending to cry that was just really well done. “Are you… trying to cry?” He asks. She realizes she is failing miserably and blows a raspberry at him before offering to fill out his after-crime reports for a month if he’ll help her. At the end of the last episode, where Leo finally takes off his vest, only to put it back on again when he realizes he’s never going t0 be safe, I found myself thinking it should have been cheesy, but it wasn’t, because Perrineau committed. He and Goldberg expertly walk a really fine line between loopy and poignant and I feel like the rest of the cast is starting to catch up.

Kings – I haven’t seen as much of this as I like, but I love the cadence and the rhythm of the dialogue, the scenery is beautiful and the crazy double-dealings and sneaky underhandedness of the royal family are just really well played by everyone. ESPECIALLY one of our favourite people evar, Ian McShane. As Jess said, he is the Alpha and the Omega. If NBC cancels this and brings Crusoe or Knight Rider back, I will fucking cut them so bad they’ll have chins. Side note: The prince’s teeth distract me to the point of annoyance. He’s a prince, yo. He would get that grille fixed.

Show I am missing:

Pushing Daisies – Oh, you were so good! And we here at Boob Tube love pie. A lot. We also love Lee Pace and Anna Friel and Chi McBride and Kristin Chenoweth and everyone involved in this weirdly sweet little endeavour. ABC, hurry up and air the last three episodes you’re sitting on. Or I will make a banana cream pie just to throw it at you.

Shows I cannot believe are on the air:

Cupid – This retread of Rob Thomas’ 1998 series starring Paula Marshall and Jeremy Piven almost made me cry, it was so terrible. There’s no zing! No sexual chemistry! I know Piven is a huge d-bag, but maybe that was the secret to his charisma in the role of a guy who thought he was Cupid. Bobby Canavale is playing him like a lovable doofus and it’s just not working for me. Sorry, Eros. You missed. Take note, ABC. When you eventually cancel The Unusuals, I hope you remember the way you treated Cupid the first time around then, ten years later, resurrect it with different people in a different setting.

Harper’s Island – I had assumed this one got lost in the shuffle. It certainly got lost in MY shuffle.

The Unit – Yup. This is still a thing.

Crusoe – Ditto.

Knight Rider – NBC, you are so full of crap. I hate you. You air shit like this and Celebrity Apprentice? God. Awful. Total and utter shit. If you cancel Kings, I swear to God, I will never watch you again. OK. I lie. I will watch 30 Rock. And probably that new one, Community. I love Joel McHale.

Life – NOT SO FAST, LIFE! According to my nemesis Ausiello, you’ve been cancelled!

Rules of Engagement and Til Death – Both of these shows are so hideous. I don’t even know what to say. They are total and complete garbage. I want to vomit on the faces of everyone involved.

American Dad – Yes. This. This is really entertaining TV that I love to watch and really get a kick out of. Could you tell I was lying there? Because I was.

New shows I was impressed with:

Fringe – Though it was renewed last night, and it is good, it’s a leeeettle formulaic and almost TOO easy to watch, as compared to Lost, which asks insanely too much of its viewers and then punishes them. But John Noble is doing a great job as mad scientist Walter Bishop and we cannot forget everyone’s favourite Canadian, Joshua Jackson.  Anna Torv is… less wooden. She’s slowly getting better.

Dollhouse – This last episode was the bizzomb. Oh, Alan Tudyk! I always knew you could play a psychopathic killer! And Enver Gjokaj! Applause, applause! The finale is next week and after that, it’s anyone’s guess. It’s being tossed around, but things don’t look good. And this angers me. I mean, COME ON, Fox! It’s a show about hot chicks and hot dudes fighting! How can you make Til Death work and not have a clue about this!?

Party Down – Oh God, I laughed so hard at this show on Starz! When Ryan Hansen shaved his eyebrow off, I about died.

Older shows I am just now getting into:

House – I’ve watched House on occasion over the years. But I never felt like I was missing anything because it was so procedural. But it turns out, I was missing something: Hugh Laurie’s baby blues. What can I say? I am powerless against the considerable charms of crippled curmudgeonly bastards. So House recently started hallucinating Amber. But then he put himself into insulin shock and detoxed from Vicodin to stop the hallucinations. Oh, and had sex with Cuddy for good measure. It appeared to work. Or did it? Unlikely, since House can never be happy for long. It throws off the delicate balance of misery v. humour that this show is based on.

Supernatural – The Brothers Winchester and their demon-hunting exploits have been steadily improving each season and it’s definitely hit a high point this year. The episode Monster At The End of This Book so adroitly skewered fandom that it immediately alienated many fans who were put off by the fact that the show made fun of their INCESTUOUS FAN FICTION. Boo frickin’ hoo, you freaks! This show is good and it’s funny and it has three of my favourite things: Hot guys, muscle cars and heavy metal music. Bring it on.

We impatiently await the return of:

True Blood! Oh my. The hot people on this show. *fans self* Hooo! I’m really glad Alan Ball is making this show. I always loved his little video vignettes for each season of Six Feet Under. And now it appears he’s giving True Blood the same treatment. Check it out:

Yippee! Also: I want to climb Alexander Skarsgård and do bad things with Sam Trammel. I can’t believe I have to wait until JUNE for this!

Shows that are still great that I am still watching:

30 Rock and How I Met Your Mother. These two shows are similar in a lot of ways. They’re both ensembles. They both make use of flashbacks and fantasy. They both provide me with endless one-liners and funnies with which I can wittily update my status on facebook. It currently reads: Girls Who Are Breaking My Heart ^ Girls Who Are Shaking My Confidence Daily = {Cecilia}, though I may later change it to something about the Italian embassy. Also, both shows feature women who do not fit into the stereotypical women on TV mold. Liz and Robin are brothers from a different mother.

Shows that have fallen off my radar:

The Office – Though I recently caught a repeat on cable and realized again that it is a very funny show, it just makes me profoundly uncomfortable. I can’t really explain it. I know I should watch and I probably will just sit down and have a marathon at some point so I’m caught up. But for now, me and The Office are on a break.

Ugly Betty – I lost interest around the fourth dude who fell in love with Betty. I also miss the weekly dose of Freddy Rodriguez on my TV.

My Name Is Earl – Remember when this show was winning emmys? Good times.

Heroes – Still beautifully shot and still entertainingly full of the Mean Girls preferred genre, hot guys doing stuff, but basically, time travel ruined it all for me. As it so often does. DO NOT MESS WITH A MAN WHO HAS A WAYBACK MACHINE, DAVE! HE CAN MAKE IT SO YOU WERE NEVER BORN!

Shows that are dead to me:

Ghost Whisperer – Hey, Ghost Whisperer, remember this?

Bee Tee Dubs, I don’t think Melinda is pregnant. If she was, we’d know about it by now. That shit would’ve been pulled out for November sweeps. I won’t believe it if she’s pregnant by May sweeps. That will be too long from the time Jim died. And kudos to this show for not going that route. But if she’s pregnant with Jim’s kid by May sweeps, then this show is dead to me and I retract all the praise I gave it earlier and I will not hang around to make sure it crosses over into the light. Just, you know, FYI.

Yeah. And now she’s pregnant. With Jim’s baby. Not Sam’s. Jim’s. Between this and the incredibly weird news that Jamie Kennedy and J.Lo.Hew. continue to be a thing, I’ve had it. I may poke my nose in from time to time to comment on ridiculousness, but I’ve had it. There aren’t enough lacy nightgowns in the WORLD!

Scrubs – Went on for one or two or three years too long. Now it’s sort of shuffling along like a zombie. And I still can’t stand Zach Braff.

Shows I am not watching and you can’t make me:

Any of the CSI’s. Blarg. This is going to go on like L&O, isn’t it? Or, more like ER. I hope a giant helicopter crashes on everybody involved.

24 – That’s enough, Kiefer Sutherland.

Friday Night Lights – Never cared. Still don’t.

Shows I haven’t gotten around to, but want to try:

Eastbound and Down – I actually did see the pilot for this. And it was awesome. So, so awesome and funny and sick. I want more.

Parks and Recreation – Though it DOES seem a little too Officey, Amy Poehler is my home girl. So is Aziz Ansari. Well. Home boy.

Mad Men – Brilliant. Yes. I know. I haven’t gotten around to it.

Breaking Bad – Again, I’ve seen a few episodes and Bryan Cranston appears to have come out of nowhere as an amazing actor, but he was the best thing about Malcolm in the Middle and had great guest shots on both the X-Files and How I Met Your Mother, so I shouldn’t be surprised.

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About Tanis

Badass, smokin' hot and overall nice to come home to.

8 responses »

  1. Agree with a lot of your points. Although I thought NBC cancelled Knight Rider? If they haven’t and a great show like Chuck is given the axe, I may rebel. Come to think of it, why don’t you mention Chuck? Great show. One stop shopping for drama, comedy, action and adventure. True, its a little silly…but we all need silliness.

    And, yes, I totally agree about Ugly Betty and Freddy Rodriguez. This show has gone from funny and innovative to boring in just one season. They need to bring Freddy back to sprice things up.

    Reply
  2. Knight Rider hasn’t officially been cancelled. Prospects don’t look good (fingers crossed) but NBC has done dumber things in the past.

    I didn’t mention Chuck because I don’t know where to put it in my little categories. It confuses me. I wouldn’t say that I’d never watch it ever, and I wouldn’t say that I want to give it a try. Maybe I needed a category that was simply titled “Meh.” That said, I understand that people like it and want it to stick around.

    It doesn’t really interest me at all and the little I’ve seen of it, I dunno, doesn’t appeal to me. I had one stop shopping for drama, comedy, action, adventure and even silliness in Pushing Daisies and Chuck seemed like it wasn’t going to fill that void.

    Reply
  3. You’re so right about The Unusuals! I love every minute of that show and I can’t believe people aren’t watching it. And the ‘trying to cry’ scene with Amber Tamblyn and Jeremy Renner was great.

    Reply
  4. Tanis, why do you hate Chuck?

    Reply
  5. Dude, “East Bound and Down” is amazing. Thrillingly so. I know Danny McBride will only ever have one character in everything he does, but he does it so well in this show! And a Will Ferrell cameo that makes me nostalgic for the days before that basketball movie that was a huge steaming pile.

    Also, “Scrubs” actually had a pretty good last season. Probably their best in three or four years. Although the finale was a flaming cheeseball.

    Reply
  6. Apparently you have no idea about JJ Abram’s involvement with Lost.

    Reply
  7. Apparently, I don’t. Please. Educate me. I long for you advice on this very subject! No really! That’s not sarcasm! I do! Please tell me! I want to know! Because I’m a slavering Lost fan and I must. have. this. information. I pine for every tidbit, every morsel, every delectable fact nugget that has to do with Lost!

    And appaaaaaaaarently, you have no idea about poetic licence and the joy I take in shaking my fist at the sky and yelling “ABRAAAAAAAAAAAMS!” no matter if he’s involved at all! I blame him for pretty much everything. Today, I ran out of toilet paper. “ABRAAAAAAAAAAAMS!” It’s cathartic. You should try it!

    Reply

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