Never before have two mean girls been faced with such a stunning array of options for moviegoing entertainment. Jess and Tanis made the pilgrimage to the movie theatre in the middle of nowhere and were faced with a tough decision: Do they see a movie with hot dudes a plenty (in space), the Goddamn Batman yelling and saving mankind from killing robots (again), or Robert “Get me to a library!” Langdon with a side of Ewan “Father Hotpants” McGregor.
It was a tough call, but hot dudes doin’ stuff won out. Again. This time, they’re in space! And Iowa. Please, read on for a brief discussion of the movie and other things like our assessment of people who think Angels & Demons is good.
In deciding which flick we should see, Jess made us watch the trailers. It was between Angels & Demons and Star Trek, really. We both decided early on that enough has been said about the Terminator franchise and said better. And not in the gravel-voice of rage Christian Bale’s been perfecting lately. Really, T2: Judgment Day is all the Terminator we need. It has the best villain, the best lines, Linda Hamilton kicks all kinds of ass and Edward Furlong shows more emotion in one scene where he teaches a machine about feelings than we’re sure Bale musters in the entire movie. And this one was directed by McG. In a word: No.
So we’ve made a list of pros and cons between Angels & Demons and Trek, despite never having seen Angels & Demons. Like it matters.
Angels and Demons
Pro: Angels and Demons looks reliably hilarious.
Con: Tom Hanks swimming laps. Is he in a full body wetsuit? No? Not interested.
Pro: Ewan McGregor. Who, though we have not seen this movie, we suspect is probably going to turn out to be the bad guy. You don’t hire dudes who can act to be like “You’re right, Professor Douchebag, thanks for explaining my job to me. I’ll just go help pick a new pope.” Ewan McGregor ain’t signing on for this shit unless he gets to do something crazy, like be the bad guy. And Stellan Skarsgard is totally a bad-guy red herring. Didn’t you guys listen to Dumbledore? Snape totally isn’t the evil guy you think he is.
Con: Sitting in a theatre full of people who love Dan Brown and think this is a great action movie. We’re sure it is. If you’re the type who’s easily foiled by the Junior Jumble.
Pro: You are enjoying what is inadvertantly the funniest movie of the year. It’s been said that this is like CSI: Vatican City, and every review of this movie has used the photo of Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon standing in front of some religious artifact or another like he’s Horatio Fucking Caine.
Con: We feel bad for Tom Hanks because we think he’s a very good actor. It’s just that Robert Langdon is a huge douche. Hanks actually should probably get an Oscar for this role, that’s how accurate his portrayal is.
Conclusion: In this economy, who can afford to see a full-price first-run movie ironically? Though don’t think we didn’t want to pay for Star Trek, then see this and ruin it for all the losers by laughing and making rude comments.
Con: JJ Abrams’ Lost taint. Heh. Taint. We still feel cheated about how bad that show got how fast. It’s going to take many more movies about hot guys in space before we forgive.
Pro: It was a veritable United Nations of hot dudes. Alien hot dudes with great eyebrows (we may or may not have a bit of a fetish), Asian hot dudes who sword fight, Russian hot dudes who are precocious, Scottish hot dudes (accent fetish), sarcastic scenery-chewing hot dudes (“She took everything but my bones!” Heh. Bones.) And you know, there was Uhura and some green chick for the dudes.
Con: Said green chick seemed a little makeup-y. In a movie world where Rebecca Romijn must puke blue for three weeks after donning Mystique’s blue skin, this was a little too “Going to a football game in full body paint” to be effective. We don’t mind half-naked green chicks, but if you’re going to have a half-naked green chick, you should go all out.
Pro: Leonard Nimoy. Old Spock fucking rocks this shit. He’s like “You thought I was dead, but I ain’t dead, motherfuckers! I am up in this starship, son!” And he takes naked lady pictures now. Oh yeah. That’s a thing. He was really, really good. Everybody was good, but he basically schooled Shatner’s sorry ass. Enjoy those all-bran commercials, you hack.
Pro: Employing old Spock to basically tell us to repeat to ourselves it’s just a show and we should really just relax. Seriously. Don’t worry about the science. This is Star Trek and you know, time travel isn’t possible. What’s red matter, you will inevitably ask. Not important. It fucks shit up. Just know that. Is that how black holes work? No, professor. But who cares! Doesn’t it sort of fuck everything up if you meet your future self? Nah. It’s cool. In fact, future you should give past you important life advice. Wouldn’t time travel result in multiple paradoxes and — hey, didn’t you hear Spock the first time? Spock say RELAX!
Pro: Spock/Spock. We think that’s all we need to say. Maybe an eyebrow raise. “How YOU doin’, me?” “I’ve come to fix the cable. It’s only logical.”
Pro: Shit blew up real good. Seriously. We were a little worried about there being too much stupid space shit that screamed “This is what we blew our special effects budget on!” But it was paced pretty evenly between ridiculous space shit, explosions, bar fights and exposition.
Pro: There was just the right tone taken with the old, cheesy lines that you knew had to get said. “I’m giving it everything she’s got, Cap’n!”, “I’m a doctor, Jim, not a physicist!” and the ol’ “live long and prosper” chestnut. We don’t mind those shoutouts to longtime Trek nerds.
Pro: Stupid Kirk doesn’t get the stupid girl.
Pro: We’d still like to give Chris Pine props, though. Of all the things we worried about with a bigscreen Star Trek reboot, Kirk was the biggest problem. We don’t like him. He’s a jerk. And Shatner is such a choad that he’s tainted (heh. Taint. Again.) all our memories of watching the original series. Or, at least, all our memories of watching our parents watch the original series while we begged them to change the channel. Pine isn’t our cup of hot guy tea, but we liked his swagger, especially because he got punched in the face enough to make up for it.
Pro: AHHHHHHHH! I Can’t Stand It I Know You Planned It! But I’m Gonna Set It Straight, This Watergate
I Can’t Stand Rocking When I’m In Here Because Your Crystal Ball Ain’t So Crystal Clear So While You Sit Back and Wonder Why I Got This Fucking Thorn In My Side Oh My, It’s A Mirage! I’m Tellin’ Y’all It’s a Sabotage! Kirk steals himself a retro car, bitches. When he’s like, ten. And he cranks the Beasties while doing it.
Con: Khaaaaaaaaaaa- no. We can’t think of many more cons.
Conclusion: Congratulations, everybody involved! You earned the Mean Girls seal of approval. This is just a suggestion, but next time out, JJ needs to find a way to have these hot dudes be shirtless more often.
Join us next time when we ruin the surprise for everybody with Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Spoiler alert: Snape kills Dumbledore!