When the Mean Girls go to a slam-bang action adventure movie for the hot dudes, they are also hoping to see a bunch of trailers for movies they will like. Instead, they are presented with a bunch of crap that rapes their childhood.
Jess and I like getting to the theatre in time to see the previews. It irks me, though, that I have to sit through 80 commercials first. Like, I already have a coke, coke ad. I don’t see your ad and think “Gee, I should get up and go get a coke.” I bought a coke. At the convenience store across the street. Because the movie theatre charges me $8 for a vat of soda. Why? Who knows. It is presumably the same soda that McDonald’s is now charging just a dollar for. So I don’t really know. Maybe this combination of syrup and carbonation has some gold leaf in it? Whatever. Stop trying to sell me shit, movie theatres. I can’t afford shit because I am at your movie. It bankrupts me. I also don’t want to buy a new phone or a new car or join the Canadian Armed Forces. Trust me, if I ever get that urge, I’ll wait a minute until it passes. But I probably won’t, especially not just because I saw an ad for it at the cineplex before Star Trek. Maybe if Captain Christopher Pike showed up and bought me a drink and DARED ME TO DO BETTER, maybe then I’d enlist. But not because of your ad. So just show me the previews for movies that I won’t see and GET ON WITH IT.
Speaking of getting on with it… The trailers we saw, let us show you them.
What? How is this even a thing? Who is even in this movie? Oh. Dennis Quaid? And Christopher Eccleston? And Joseph Gordon-Levitt? WHAT!? WHY?! We didn’t even know what movie this trailer was for until half-way through it. Apparently, G.I.’s are really, really Joe. At least without their super suits they are. What are G.I. Joe’s good for other than making out with Jem? Nothing. Memo to studio executives: We would watch a live-action version of Jem. That would be truly outrageous. Get to work.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
This is actually far less than meets the eye. For starters, we are tired of people putting Shia LeBouef in things. He is not hot, he is not very good and he is not enough – not NEARLY enough – to make us want to see a movie about talking robot cars who fight with talking robot guns. Or whatever. He’s just not sexy. And we can’t imagine having sexy robot-fighting adventures with him! No! So go away! Try again! Come back when you have a hotter dude! Also, Transformers is inherently stupid. Here’s why: Megatron and Optimus Prime are the same size, but Megatron changes into a gun and Optimus Prime changes into a truck. MAKE SENSE PLEASE, CARTOONS AND MOVIES BASED ON CARTOONS! This movie appeals to nostalgic dudes who enjoyed playing with Transformers, liked the cartoon movie (apparently, this was a thing. And Orson Welles was in it. Well, everybody makes mistakes) and are willing to part with their hard earned dollars to watch Michael Bay blow shit up real good. If you are going to do that, FINE. But you know what? Add a little something for the ladies. And no, not Josh Duhamel. Not good enough. Try harder, Hollywood.
Ugh. Well, at least it’s not live action. That’s about all we care to say about that. Except that we can’t wait for Little Wonder: The Movie! Just kidding. We totally can. And Bill Nighy! He’s in everything! He’s the British Christopher Walken!
Land of the Lost
Will Ferrell does his schtick, Danny McBride does his schtick. CGI dinosaurs. Sleestaks. And Chuck from Pushing Daisies! OK, so it has that going for it. We miss that show! And ABC is FINALLY airing the last episodes, so you should watch them. Saturdays on ABC. You should not go see Land of the Lost. This type of thing only encourages Will Ferrell.
So those were the trailers we saw. Yeah. No. After the jump, find out what TOTALLY AWESOME trailers we would have liked to see instead.
Aw yeah. Johnny Depp vs. Christian Bale. With a side of hot guys doin’ stuff and pretty ladies in period clothing. Can it have machine guns? It can? Thanks, Michael Mann! You’re officially forgiven for Miami Vice.
Has ANYBODY in Hollywood come back from prison, drug addiction and terrible-movie-itis looking as good as Robert Downey Jr.? We think not. He’s done amazingly well for himself lately and this new take on the Holmes story looks really, really good. We are now ready to forgive Guy Ritchie for his long association with Madonna. And though we’re not QUITE ready to forgive Jude Law from going to hot dude we want to do to vaguely dirty-looking dude who needs to shave his head already, playing Watson so well and being in what looks like a fantastic movie is a good first step toward getting back in the world’s good books. Well played, Lemony Snicket. P.S. Mean Girls alum and recipient of our girl crushes Rachel McAdams is in this, too.
Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
S’up dawg? We heard you like chewing scenery, so we put some scenery in the movie so you can chew while you act. Bad Lieutenant looks like pure 100% awesome. We think Nicholas Cage acts exactly the same way in all his movies. It just depends on what’s going on around him as to whether or not that movie succeeds. And what’s going on around him in this movie is fucking everything that was ever awesome and it’s happening all at once. Werner Herzog is not fucking kidding around with this shit. At least now we know how it got burned. Lucky crack pipe.
Hello bleakness my old friend. This movie has pretty much everything you could ever hope for in an adaptation of a Cormac McCarthy novel. Or a movie in general. Cannibals. A filthy Viggo Mortenson, veterans of both Deadwood and The Wire and… did we mention cannibals? There are cannibals. Well-fed, baby-eating cannibals.