We often want to tell celebrities to shut their face holes. All of their face holes, in some cases.
Oh, what? Like you haven’t wanted Spencer Pratt to just stop breathing! Our inaugural “Please don’t be an idiot! Thank you!” column will focus on the “stars” of Transformers 2. Of course, like our heroes at Mystery Science Theatre 3000, we doubt this movie “stars” anybody. More like “camera is generally pointed at.”
I would like to start out by telling Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox that nobody is coming to see Transformers 2 for the arresting dialogue between two young pretty people. Well… Megan Fox is ostensibly pretty. Jury’s out on LeBeouf. That’s actually not true. I am a liar. The jury has rendered its verdict. We find the defendant Fugly. Evidence is presented after the jump. But first…
Seriously. Is there even a need for them to do publicity for this thing? They’re not what’s selling this movie! They’re incidental! I barely even care that they’re there! Fighting robots, am I right? That’s the draw of Transformers.
I understand that Megan Fox is hot. I get that the nerdy losers who are crowding the theatres to see this thing because OMG! Toys! want their eye candy, but come on! I played with Transformers when I was a kid. So where’s MY eye candy? Is it supposed to be this guy? ——————->
I suggest, yet again, that the producers of this crap pile failed magnificently when they didn’t get hot actors to voice the robots in disguise. I don’t often dream of robot sex, but I might if George Clooney were lending his voice to Optimus Prime. Or, cast against type! He could play Megatron!
That way, hot movie stars could also do late night talk shows. Maybe they could follow Zack Morris’ lead and do it in character! Like, CGI those robot bastards onto the set of the Tonight Show! Conan could do a bit! It would be great! Anything so I don’t have to listen to the “Celebrity is so hard! I had a weird upbringing!” droning of LeBeouf and Fox.
I mean, yes. It is hard to be famous. I have no doubt about that. I’m not famous, so I guess I’ll never really know, but I have some tips that work out pretty well for folks in the real world. I’ll share it with you now. Don’t be insane. That’s my advice. You got money. Use it for therapy. Buy guards. Buy privacy. That is what your money is for now! It’s an O. Henry twist! Delightfully wry and ironic!
Recently, Megan Fox gave an interview to GQ in which she basically said she was aware of the pitfalls of being famous without having earned it. And how annoying it is when everybody takes what you say out of context. Like how she wants to seem like a real kinky badass and starts to tell a story about befriending a Russian stripper named Nikita.
She brought it up. But when the interviewer is like “Tell me more!” she demures all “You’re going to make me look like a lesbian who had a relationship with a Russian stripper!” Um… did you have a relationship with a Russian stripper? You just said you did. It appears that you were not prompted to mention this detail. If it’s true, then yes. You will look like a lesbian (excuse me, BISEXUAL) who had a relationship with a Russian stripper. If you don’t want people to make something of that, don’t tell them. If you don’t want people to make a big deal of it, don’t appear so concerned with how it makes you look.
Because frankly, it makes you look like a girl who is kind of dumb. Not because you’re bisexual, but because you claim to have become obsessed with a Russian stripper. That is a dumb thing to do and then admit to a reporter. You look dumb. I suspect it is because you are, in fact, dumb.
So… I don’t think she gets it. Because if she wouldn’t talk about it, we wouldn’t listen. But she does talk. And we do listen. The ciiiiiiiircle of liiiiiife!
The author of this article is really good. Because it makes her seem pretty relatable and funny in a way that I would think was funny if she wasn’t famous for being pretty, because I am also more than a little crude. But I am not easily fooled. If she were a non-famous person who didn’t get the benefit of being made to look good or bad, it would just be a life experience and if somebody judged you for it, you’d tell them to go fuck themselves and move on with your life.
But too bad for her! Because she IS famous. So now when she says stuff and does stuff, it gets scrutinized because she says stuff to the wrong people and, I suspect, is also a big fat lier. Boo-hoo! People made money off my looks and wanted me to be all sexy and shit, so I became a bull dyke! Except you didn’t. Soooo… shut up. The author all but pounds her on the back for her no bullshit talkin’ ways and in the same breath laments the fact that some day, she’ll have to grow up and be fake in order to make sure she still has a career. The thing is, she sounds fake now. Fake and stupid.
See, she’s also angry at the boys club atmosphere of comedy where, if in interviews, a dude talks about sex, it’s funny, but if a woman does it, it’s gross and career-damaging. OK. Fair point. But it’s not the fact that you’re talking about sex or sexuality that’s putting me off. It’s the fact that you are being stupid. In another interview, she identifies as bisexual, but doesn’t want to date another woman who would have sex with men because men are gross. Unless she’s the one boning them? What? How does THAT work? It’s a mystery!
On the other hand, I feel kind of sorry for Shia LeBeouf. He claims to have had a Robert Downey Jr.-esque upbringing. His parents were hippies who had sex in front of him, let him try drugs and an assortment of other weird things you don’t generally do with your children. And at the start of all this, I thought he was a cute kid who could be a not bad actor. In time.
He was good in Holes, but a terrible choice to pick up where terminally handsome Harrison Ford left off in the Indiana Jones adventures. He’s more Matthew Broderick than Bruce Willis, so all this action hero crapola is maybe a little too much a little too soon. There was that time he was arrested for refusing to leave a drug store and honestly, what teenager hasn’t had that happen? Really, it’s not his fault he looks shifty. But if you’ve had that happen and you’re still running around telling the press about your crazy family? It’s time to see a shrink and lock that shit down.
So maybe he’s getting off easy here, but Megan Fox has annoyed me more in the last few weeks. But whatever. They both need to shut up because they’re annoying me. And really, it’s far too early in their careers for them to be doing that.
In conclusion: Please don’t be idiots, Megan Fox and Shia LeBeouf! Thank you!