It pains me to have to do this immediately after a post about the inimitable Ed McMahon, but… it really can’t be avoided.
In today’s installment of Please, don’t be an idiot! Thank you!, the special feature we use to tell celebrities to shut their face holes, we bring you a special two for one deal.
Did you know that the phrase “Please don’t be an idiot! Thank you!” originated with TV’s Frank Pembleton? It’s true!
Homicide: Life on the Streets was The Best Damn Show On Television. And on this magnificent cop show, Frank’s partner, Tim Bayliss, was always frustrated that Frank was not more respectful of their partnership. “You never say please. You never say thank you!” he once opined. Frank stared at him for a moment before snapping “Please don’t be an idiot. Thank you.”
Well, the man who played Frank Pembleton to perfection for seven seasons on Homicide is going to be on your TV again in the fall. Andre Braugher will be playing the doctor in charge of Dr. House’s recovery in a mental institution next season on House. As far as awards and television gravitas go, Hugh Laurie and Braugher are pretty evenly matched, so that should be some good TV.
Now! On to the main event!
First up? Jon and Kate Gosselin and their eight little future tell-all authors.
Big surprise: America watched their relationship fall apart on national television after they had sextuplets and twins, and now they are getting a divorce.
Please, for the sake of your children (You have eight! That is such a high number it is almost impossible to forget!), stop talking to tabloids and gossip magazines! I mean, go ahead and get divorced because you really, really seem like you hate each other. Finally! My longstanding theory that children tear families apart is proven! And I have you two to thank for it!
Now I’m going to need you both to shut up about each other. There is still a slim chance that with therapy, your children can still grow up to be functional members of society. Slim. But there. If only you will please stop being idiots. Thank you! That goes to every adult Jon and Kate know, too. Stop talking to the press. Pretty please? Because I know you love talking shit about people on TV, but there are kids involved. And they’re going to google this some day. Hi kids! If you’re reading this, you should know, it’s not your fault. Mommy and daddy love you very much and they will always love each other, too, but they can’t live together anymore because Mommy yells at Daddy and Daddy cheats on Mommy and really, it’s better this way.
Moving right along to our second target: Celebrity blogger and human stain Perez Hilton.
Perez, it hurts me very deeply that you are considered a celebrity. I mean, you show up at things like the Much Music Video Awards like you are one. Not that one can accurately judge “celebrity” status by the MMVAs, since, you know, Nickelback attends every year.
But let’s examine the case for us asking you to stop being an idiot, shall we? You talked a bunch of shit about Fergie (another person I hate to acknowledge exists, but that’s a Please, Don’t Be An Idiot for another time) on your heinous blog and it pissed off her fellow Black-eyed Pea Will.I.Am (Also annoying), yada, yada, yada–you got punched in the face in Toronto.
This is not a surprise. See, we have a strict “punch annoying idiots in the face” policy in this country. Once you cross the border… POW! Right in the kisser! Perfectly legal. I don’t know how you snuck by the mountie who was supposed to taser you at customs!
Frankly, I am shocked that somebody didn’t punch you in the face much, much sooner than this. I always assumed it would be a woman who gave you a deserved black eye, but hey, I suppose you draw penises on men’s faces, too. You’re an equal opportunity dirtbag! Huzzah!
Then we have the twitter war. First, you made Will.I.Am get a twitter account so he could respond to your stupid blatherings about needing the police. That is a strike against you right there. The celebrity twitter saturation point has been reached and you are the sole reason we’ve topped it.
Second, you made me like John Mayer again. Dammit! I was in liking John Mayer rehab!
On his Twitter page, Mayer said: “Last year Pink kneed me in the nuts outside Chateau Marmont. I was pissing blood for days. Did I make a scene? Perez Hilton’s video statement is so long that by the end of it his cut healed.”
Hilton replied: “That’s real funny! Ha ha! And I’m sure you also think I ‘deserved’ to get hit!”
Mayer said: “Not true. In fact I’d like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you’ll have the situational awareness not to get in someone’s face. I also want to train you in an old martial art called ‘Never Call A Black Dude a F*ggot Jitsu’.”
Hilton said: “Dude, I get it. I GET IT. But it’s not fucking funny to me. Karma would be me losing my site and going bankrupt or what have u.
Hey, from your lips to God’s ears, buddy!
But I digress. When even John Mayer gives up on making fun of you because you’re too stupid, it’s time to call it a night.
To sum up, Perez, you weren’t punched in the face because you were gay. You were punched in the face because you are fucking annoying. And nobody likes you. Get it?
Good. Now just shut up. Shut up forever, OK? Shutter your blog and stop drawing penises on people’s faces. Even privately. I mean, who DOES that? What are you? A drunken frat boy? Are you Joey from 10 Things I Hate About You? He drew a dick on David Krumholtz’s face in that movie. For no reason! No reason whatsoever! But that was an actor. In a movie. You do it for realsies. So, you know, you can hardly blame people for wanting to stick an appendage into your eye. Be very happy it was just a fist and kindly stop talking now.