Greetings readers! Jess and I are writing you from Transylvania. No joke! We are on a five-week tour of Europe and we have found ourselves in Brasov, near the Carpathian mountains. We love it here! It’s snowing and the mountains are gorgeous. The vampires are, sadly, few and far between. Luckily, my rage concerning vampire shows is plentiful. Also, even in Europe, I wish Ausiello would shut up.
Read on for my dismissal of his spoilers about the Vampire Diaries, a show so awful I am loathe to write about it here at all, lest giving it attention grow its already decidedly annoying fanbase. But there’s nothing that can be done.
This is from Ausiello earlier this month:
Question: When will Elena find out Stefan is a vampire on The Vampire Diaries? —Mike
Ausiello: No comment. In other news, trust me when I say you do not want to miss this week’s episode.
SHUT UP, Ausiello! First of all, ‘No comment?’ Let me translate that for you, world: ‘I have no idea when Elena will find out Stefan is a vampire because I am not half as informed as I want everyone to believe that I am. Saying no comment effectively gives the impression that I know more than I do and just can’t say because if I did, I’d find myself without a source for all my Vampire Diaries rumours and spoilers and WHAT THEN?’
Also, I think I can safely say that you DO want to miss this week’s episode, because it will be awful. This show is worse than Moonlight, which had the misfortune of finding its way to the airwaves before the Twilight extravaganza schlepped its way into the hearts of dumb teenage girls and their dumb mothers.
Question: I am loving The Vampire Diaries! Can we please have a spoiler? —Kelsey
Ausiello: Next week’s episode is even better than this week’s, according to the show’s unbiased boss, Kevin Williamson. “We’ll meet Katherine and learn the backstory,” he reveals. “We get to see what Damon and Stefan’s relationship was like in the 1800s and where it all went wrong. We see how the triangle got created, and how they became vampires. It’s a big episode.”
Oooh! That IS exciting! Except for how it totally isn’t! Damon and Stefan’s relationship in the 1800s probably involved a lot of whores, period clothing and unfortunate facial hair in the form of mutton chops. Kevin Williamson is an opportunistic bastard who took America’s temperature and realized it was running a vampire fever. So he pulled a few Dawson’s Creek scripts he’d previously rejected for being too angsty and stupid, inserted some vampire folklore and awaaaaaay we goooo!
I’m sick of vampire-girl love triangles. Between Buffy and True Blood I have had more than enough of that triangle.
Did you know that Vampire Diaries was the CW’s most watched premier ever? Of all time? It’s true! And this would be impressive if the CW had been around for even five years. But since it’s just a baby network, I am not impressed. I mean, so what? All that is telling me is that teenage girls love vampires. And I already knew that. But teenage girls also wear shirts like this: