Hey fatties! Know why you’re fat? Is it because you eat too much fast food? Uh, no. That would be ridiculous. Have you ever thought that maybe you’re not eating enough of the right kind of fast food? I bet that’s it. Let’s investigate.
You know how it is when you want to lose weight but don’t want to give up the tasty, tasty food at Taco Bell. This is a common thing, right? Who wants to put effort and thought into food preparation? BORING! NEXT IDEA FOR HELPING ME LOSE WEIGHT PLEASE! And I would like you to THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN.
A drive-thru diet you say? Wait a minute! I won’t have to stop driving my honking SUV everywhere or get off my fat ass and walk to the restaurant, will I? I won’t? Thanks, America! Somebody get the geniuses behind this one nominated for the Nobel Prize in Fast Foodology. I am sure a top scientist somewhere earned it.
For example, this doctor-ish type, Ruth Cary, registered dietician. Go, Ruth:
It is NOT a weight loss program. But it is a diet. Which is a weight loss program. WORDSMITHS! You confound me with your riddles and your doublespeak! Also, note the emphasis on little things that add up to make a difference. Like taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Or like DRIVING your CAR to a FAST FOOD joint to get a disgusting “fresco” taco. I hope you enjoy the dumptrucks full of money, Ruth Cary, registered dietician. I bet it buys a lot of fresco tacos.
Look. I don’t want to tell you to stop eating fast food if you’re trying to lose weight (Seriously, though. You should stop eating fast food if you want to lose weight), but this is insaneulous. And… what’s the other word I’m thinking of? Gross? Stupid? Offensive? All of those things? Yes. That’s the one.
Kudos to Taco Bell for realizing that America is never going to stop driving to Taco Bell and that the least they could do is create a few things that looks so disgusting (even after they’ve been jazzed up by the food fluffers for commercials) that nobody in their right mind would choose them over the awesome deliciousness of the Gordita or the weird star-shaped thing that looks like it’s the size of your head.
In conclusion: Please don’t be an idiot, Taco Bell. Thank you.