After the jump: Nine reasons why Glee’s “Funk” episode was the worst. Why nine? Because if the man gave us any more, he’d consider that welfare.
Seriously, Glee. We want the funk, it just ain’t here. Even Nat X recognizes. And he’d like to point out to Quinn that when Mercedes said white people trying to be funky gave the world K.C. and the Sunshine Band, she wasn’t being racist. She was being right. And this episode proves it.
9. White boy rap. Aw! Marky Mark took time out of his busy pants-dropping schedule to allow Glee to use Good Vibrations! The result it a resounding: Meh. And look! Finnie D. is on backup, drug free, so put the crack up! Kill us now, please?
8. Quinn’s prego dance explosion. Lamaze as a bridge? No. Just no. Also, it has become glaringly obvious to the world that autotune cannot disguise a weak voice. It can make it sound in tune, yes. But that’s not Dianna Agron’s problem. We really, really like her. And we want to see more from her because we think she’s a great little actress. But girlfriend does NOT have the pipes to pull off James Brown.
7. Schue being seductive. We never thought we’d long for the day when Schue was rapping. But then Will’s Tell Me Something Good performance happened. And now we’re all packing our libidos away in mothballs and storage boxes. We would gladly listen to Will rap for the rest of eternity if only he’d stop butchering this song and bending over. YOU HAVE NO ASS, SIR!
6. Funky. We’re in a funk. Funk it up. Funky town. Funkified. Funk, funk? Funk. Funky- funk. Funkification. Funk funk funk funk, funk-funk. Funk? Funk. P.Funk. How many times can you say funk? A thousand? A million? A trillion billion? We lost count. Let’s just say lots.
5. Despite the above, for an episode called “funk” there was an astounding lack of actual funk. Of the six songs featured this episode, only two were funk songs. Vocal Adrenaline can’t do funk, so obviously Another One Bites The Dust wasn’t funk. And for the reasons stated in number seven, we are not including Tell Me Something Good because it’s giving us nightmares. It‘s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World was not only hideous, but hideous soul. The funky bunch horrorshow was rap (sort of) and Beck’s Loser was… weird. Why are they at Losers N’ Things? Other than to have Sandy Ryerson show us a pink toilet scrub brush that we totally want. We Want the Funk was the only remotely funky song and that’s just because we are TOTAL SUCKERS for Soul Train Line Dances. And that’s basically what this was. And everybody knows a soul train line dance isn’t over until somebody does The Rerun Dance, so thanks, Matt. Also, thanks Mike Chang, for sacrificing your future children to commit to that split.
4. Terri luvs Finn. We would have been very happy if Terri had just dropped off the face of this show. If this plot is allowed to continue, it will rival the other stupidest plot on this show: Terri’s fake pregnancy. Note the common thread.
3. Obvious missing scene/continuity is a joke.
MISSING SCENE: So Quinn is like “I wanna sing an inappropriate funk song with my other baby mama friends!” And Mercedes is all “NAW!” And Quinn’s all “RACIST!” And then she’s like “*SINGS TERRIBLY WITH PREGNANCY PACT GIRLS*” And everyone is like “HUGZ!” Except for Mercedes, who is like “Oh, HELL no!” And the next scene, Quinn is telling Mercedes “Sorry.” And we’re like “For what? Wanting to sing a song?” Seriously. What the hell? Something obviously happened that made Quinn realize that in nine months, she’s going to go back to being pretty and popular and skinny and she will obviously continue to be white. But we don’t know what happened because there was quite clearly a scene cut from this episode. Presumably, a scene involving Mercedes being bullied/teased for being: A nerd. A black nerd. A black, female nerd. A black, female nerd who is not a size zero. That’s what we assume anyway, because Quinn soldiers along, asking Mercedes “How do you not want to scream all the time?” ADUUUUHHHH!!! Quinn, are you new? Mercedes DOES scream all the time! Whatever. Quinn is moving in with Mercedes. HIJINX!
CONTINUITY IS A JOKE: Jesse to Rachel: “I loved you.” But now I don’t? For some reason? WTF, show! Why is Jesse suddenly so mad at Rachel? And why does Puck feel the need to defend her honour? And why is Kurt going with them? What’s he going to do? Make Vocal Adrenaline’s faces smell like feet?
2. The idea that Sue would fall for any scheme Schue could concoct. And come on! Obvious scheme is obvious now. Though we do love the doodle of Schue’s bloody head in Sue’s diary. In fact, all her diary voiceover stuff was awesome. Jane Lynch’s subtle reactions to Matthew Morrison’s ham-fisted acting were awesome. We liked that we got a little break from Sue in previous episodes, but we don’t want to see Will be mean to her. Because it doesn’t work. This show has crafted some unrealistic rules that weirdly work. One of the biggies is, Sue is a basically a racist bigot who is cruel beyond the telling of it, but it’s funny when she does it. She’s an over-the-top cartoon villain and Schue is the unending target of her raw hatred. When they try to have Will dose Sue with her own medicine, it just comes across as… mean. And speaking of meanness: Schue is really ridiculously awful. He breaks Sue’s trophy on purpose. In front of his kids. Then he screams at them about damaging property and wanting to fight. Oh, and I know what will bring you out of your funk! Let’s rap about my divorce and how it relates to your teenage lives! UGH. Will’s motto: “Do as I say, not as I Dippity Do.” Oh snap! That was a dig at his hair AND his teaching ability!
1. The idea that Sue is lonely and needs a man — any man — even one as awful as Will. This is the one that really made us gag. We love Sue. Jane Lynch is an awesome actress and she brings depth to what could have been a one-note character. Sue is an excellent villain, one you can really get behind. She doesn’t need your pity, Glee. And she definitely doesn’t need a man, especially not one as terrible as Will Schuester.
Ultimately, we don’t understand why there are so many plotlines being crammed into every episode of this show. Like WHY do we have to see Puck and Finn get in trouble for the tire slashings and then go to work at Linens N’ Things? Why now? To be reminded that Terri exists and is a monster? And don’t think we didn’t notice, show, your little lampshade about your continuity problems in Puck’s voiceover before that bit. “I know Finn and I are supposed to hate each other for some reason.” What could that reason be? Hmmmm.
Seriously though. Glee was renewed for two seasons. TWO! Fox is putting a lot of eggs in a this shoddily constructed basket. There is PLENTY of time to examine all these plot points, so we’re not sure why something as big as Rachel’s birth mother was relegated to two episodes before being dropped entirely, but Terri’s fake pregnancy dragged on forever and we’ve had, like, three episodes with Kurt being like “Dad, I’m gay. I need you to be OK with that.” And his father being like “I am totally OK with that.” instead of “I know you’re gay, son, but you should stop trying to trap your potential step brother into a relationship that will never happen. It’s creepy and he’s straight. Remember that story line back in the fall where your friend confessed her love to you and you were like ‘But I’m gay!’ Well this is like that, but backwards.”
Disappointing, Glee. You can do much better than this. Or can you? Maybe you need a little Sue Sylvester tough love.
Let’s get down to it. The best line of the night is, as always, courtesy of Sue:
“You know, for me, trophies are like herpes. You can try to get rid of them, but they just keep coming back. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent.”