OMG. So! New Directions? Totally lost at Regionals.
They didn’t even PLACE!
Uh, DUH. Of course they didn’t! Somehow, they are surprised by this, despite the fact that most of the final episode of the season is devoted to the glee club being sad pandas about how they don’t stand a chance and glee is over and can we just, you know, braid our hair and talk about how great glee was? Please?
Come on. Please, show! I beg of you! Stop! Your glee club throws away hours and hours of practice and preparation to pull something mediocre (A Journey medley) out of your asses at the last minute and you wonder why you didn’t win? Vocal Adrenaline has been doing nothing but eating and sleeping their routines. Do you think your little Journey medley is going to impress Olivia Newton-John? Hint: It will not. You might have a better shot with Josh Groban, though. That guy is easily impressed and wants to date Sue Sylvester. GET IN LINE, GROBAN!
But seriously. Newsflash, you guys: You NEVER stood a chance. Not against Vocal Adrenaline. Maybe next year now that Jesse has graduated to not being on this show anymore.
None of this matters. You know why? Journey, that’s why. Sigh. Journey has one epic song. And Faithfully is not it. I AM partial to Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’ though. I liked their Regionals performance because for once, Artie’s hair didn’t look hideous and then Quinn’s mom shows up and tells her daughter that she’s kicked Mr. Fabray out of the manse because he cheated on her and she’s sorry, can they be besties again? LIFE LESSONS! IMPORTANT FAMILY MOMENTS! But they’re rudely interrupted And then Quinn has her baby and Ms. Corcoran adopts it because even though she is successful and talented and beautiful, she must be missing something. (Fat babies.) She says she wants a family since she abandoned her own. Blokay then. Have this one! How convenient! Bye, Shelby! And Puck learns that Quinn thinks he sucks during the labour, which lasts for about as long as the song Bohemian Rhapsody and ends when Beth is born. Congratulations on your eight month old, Quinn! But yeah. Queen. Jesse sings that shit all by himself and wins the big trophy. And Vocal Adrenaline’s number is really well done. But Rachel tells Ms. Corcoran that it wasn’t as good as theirs because Jesse has no heart. Oh. OK. Right. You’re all winners, lol! So everyone else is at the hospital and Puck and Quinn have a meaningful discussion. Also, somewhere in all of this, Finn tells Rachel he loves her and they kiss and nobody gives a shit because Finn is a cardboard cutout character who can’t dance (Truefax. Mr. Schue even makes fun of him for his lumbering ways. What a great teacher, that Schue.)
Whatever. Later, Emma reveals that she is dating her dentist, John Stamos.
Then Will is like “Well have you fucked him yet?” So classy. So great. Good job, Will. Keep up the good work.
Also, did you not hear me? I said JOHN STAMOS will be playing the part of the dentist.
So good luck being concerned about whether or not Emma’s getting down. Stamos is in the house. She’s gonna lose that virginity faster than New Directions lost Regionals.
Seriously. It was gross that Will asked Emma if she’d done the deed with her new boyfriend, right? Like, “Boo hoo! I thought I’d be the first to stick it in!” What a fucking douchebag, that Will Schuester!
Will also grabs Emma’s arm and tells her that they’re meant to be together, dentist or no. Gross.
Then the glee club gets Mr. Schue to come to the auditorium because they have an inappropriate song to sing to him.
Everybody sits in their sharing circle and talks about how glee changed their lives. Matt was just another football player. Now he’s just another glee clubber. (This is line number two for him, in case you were counting.) Mike was afraid to dance outside his bedroom. I’ll dance with you in your bedroom, Mike. Rrrrrrowr! There’s more about how everyone grew and learned. It’s boring. Because you’ve seen it. Also, Kurt is wearing a sailor hat in what I can only assume was an homage to Fleet Week. Excellent sartorial decision, son. Then they sing To Sir, With Love. And Schue? He cries.
He cries like a little girl.
You know, I am v. v. sad about how we no longer have Lost to make fun of Jack’s Jears. So it’s a good thing we’ve now got Schue and his Schears. Schears, they’re what’s for dinner.
Seriously guys. Let’s make Schears a thing. I want you to go bitchcakes with this, Internet! Make me proud!
Now’s the part where I give some credit where it’s due: Parts of this episode were incredibly predictable, but when you do something well, it transcends the cliche. Like, Sue is the judge who goes in wanting to take down New Directions and then changes her mind because celebrities make fun of her and then blackmails the principal into giving glee another year. Then Will tells his students how awesome it is that they have another year and when they ask how and why and how, he’s like “Come on, we have another yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaar!” Ugh. Don’t remind me, Will. You have two years, actually, because Fox is dumb and renewed this show even though returns are dwindling already. The glee club celebrate. Mike and Matt are so excited that they high five twice in exactly the same manner. EDITING! But who cares? Time for a rousing rendition of the overplayed on television version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow! Puck accompanies Schue on guitar and we end with a smug smile from Mr. Schears himself. Great. Good job. Way to end.
Anyway. The Sue takes leave of her senses to vote for ND was very obvious plot is obvious now. But I didn’t mind so much because it was incredibly well done. Bravo Jane Lynch! You are a talented lady and I adore it when your character takes Will down a peg. He has too many pegs and needs to be taken down a few. So continue doing that because if you aren’t the best thing about this show, then there won’t be anything best about it.
Until next school year, friends. When I am sure New Directions will continue to not live up to their name by blundering blindly down the exact same path they have always stumbled down.