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“9 Crimes,” True Blood: In Pictures

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Last night’s episode was spiked with several examples of people unwittingly telling others just what they needed to hear, so let’s all smell like the ocean in winter and get some free advice after the jump.

Sookie is patching up Alcide, after that fight he had to get into on her account.

In the middle of some longing in both directions, Sookie leaps up at the sound of her cell ringing and that’s maybe a good choice because it turns out to be Bill and maybe a bad choice because it turns out to be Bill dumping her.

Bill tells her they’re done and he never wants to see her again never ever and oh yeah, he and Lorena did it last night because he’s a good sex person who does it all the ways.

To all of this, Sookie responds with a simple, poetic, elegant “Shut the fuck up.”

But then her resolves crumbles into a tsunami of jears and Bill tells her not to find him. Post-credits, Sookie asks our lupine friend what that means–“he doesn’t wanna be found?” “Um, I’m pretty sure it means he doesn’t wanna see you anymore.” Alcide, you da best. By this point, Sookie is full-on ugly crying. Luckily, she can dry her tears on Alcide’s chest fur. She also discovers that weres are hot-blooded (check it and see) and that contrary to some inexplicable cultural phenomenons, weres do not nearly always insist on going shirtless.

Back in Bon Temps, Sam is chasing after Tommy, who’d he found trying to break into his safe. While chasing after his younger brother, Sam discovers that his biofamily is squatting in the Merlotte’s parking lot. Also, is that still considered part of the parking lot because damn, Sam, that’s a lot of parking lot.

Franklin is still at Sookie’s house, where he compels Tara to call Sookie in Jackson. Franklin wants Sookie’s address for totally wholesome purposes, I’m sure, but Sookie’s too tired to entertain the thought of Tara coming down that night.

Elsewhere in Jackson, Bill mopes and Lorena is surprised for some reason that he was totally faking it during that sexual nightmare we all had two weeks ago. He tells her to gtfo and then burns himself slamming the silver doors. That’s the price you pay for being dramatic, son. Before that, though, he punches her in the face in yet another example of this show’s hard-on for hurting her.

Look, I dislike this tedious bitch as much as the next Sookie, but the level of violence directed at her is getting ridiculous. Back at Alcide’s, it looks like Sookie’s having a dream about Eric with sexy results…

…but it’s actually Eric writing the mental fanfic.

The next morning at Alcide’s, my future husband is wondering if Sookie’s ready to go back to Bon Temps. Of course, she’s no better at listening to Bill post-breakup than she was before and she still plans on finding him. Alcide thinks this and Sookie’s urging him to go to Debbie and Cooter’s engagement party are stupid ideas. But who wouldn’t want to go to Debbie and Cooter’s engagement party? It’s practically the Black and White Ball of the were set. (It is not the Black and White Ball of the were set.) Sookie will not give up on either idea and if he’s so over it, why is he making breakfast in a wok (seasoned with tears) instead of a proper skillet?

While in Bon Temps, Lafayette is trying to give his old ride to Tara, who’s tied up in the Stackhouse bathroom, in Jackson, Sookie’s meeting Alcide’s older sister, who’s going to tart up Sookie for the party. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. [Also, when Alcide comes home, he is carrying a new skillet.]

Having poked around Janice’s brain and learning that Debbie is not actually getting engaged so much as joining the Werwolf and that Debbie is addicted to V, Sookie finally uses this info to convince Alcide to go. In Bon Temps, Andy is named as the new sheriff…

…just as Arlene is freaking out over all the work she has to do since everyone Sam hires comes to work sporadically or dies. “You’ve got to start looking out for your own,” she tells Sam. Why not just have him stand under a lightbulb when she says that?

Bill asks the King to dispose of Lorena if he helps his majesty with his usurping plans and tells the King about Sophie-Anne selling V. Franklin tells Tara they’re going on a trip and Sam tries to lighten the load at Merlotte’s by hiring Jessica. Of course, since she’s not of age, she can’t serve alcohol, no matter that she’ll never be of age. No vampire exceptions. Arlene is not thrilled about this, because for one, they need another waitress, not a hostess. She tries to mask the real reason she’s purt near hysterical by telling Sam that she doesn’t like people taking advantage of him. You know, like his family. Sam assures her that his family won’t be coming around again. Terry: “You sure they know that? ‘Cause they’re grillin’ in the parkin’ lot.”

“One thing’s for sure, we’ll never be as bad a’ parents as they are.”

Jessica has an eventful first night, as she bumps right into a boy she knew from her old life. Or rather, her life. He can’t believe she’s alive and starts praising Jesus about what a miracle it all is and Jessica can see the trouble coming.

Out in Hotshot, Lafayette’s trying to sell the remaining V to Calvin Norris, a plan that quickly goes awry. It’s just not a good idea to be combative in a community where everyone’s a brother cousin.

Franklin is enjoying the road trip.

Tara is not.

At Merlotte’s, Hoyt sees Jeff from Bible study and Jessica sitting outside together. Jessica is glamoring Jeff into forgetting he saw her (“I was just on my way back home from picketin’ the baby-killin’ factory in Birmingham…”), but from afar, the intimacy is deceiving. Poor Hoyt.

Back in Hotshot, Eric has arrived to remind Lafayette to Always Be Choking.

As they’re driving away, Eric gets a call from Pam telling him that Fangtasia’s being raided. Eric is unconcerned, telling her to call the American Vampire League, but it’s far more serious than that. It’s the magister and he’s looking for V. Oh, did I say “looking for”? I meant “found.” Thanks, Sophie-Anne!

Sam has a heart-to-heart with Tommy and takes him back to the van to tell their parents he’ll give them a place to live until they back on their feet again, provided that Tommy doesn’t steal and their parents don’t drink. They agree.

It turns out that Franklin has taken Tara to the King’s mansion.

The King, of course, is out at Debbie’s party, where Alcide and Sookie have just arrived. Sookie walks to the bar, squeezing in right beside that guy she was with last week, because OF COURSE SHE DOES. Sookie, I swear.

Despite the fact that Pine’s is packed, Debbie picks out Sookie as the one of these things that’s not like the other. Debbie…doesn’t look so good. Also, Janice–I wouldn’t be mentioning to anyone that Debbie gets her hair done at your place unless you want people to know that you’re responsible for that Koosh ball pouf on her forehead.

At Fangtasia, Eric returns to find that Pam is being tortured by the Magister. Eric has two equally terrible confessions he can make: a) commit treason by admitting that selling the V was Sophie-Anne’s idea or b) admit to “desecration of the blood.” Pam, always loyal to her maker, screams that it was Bill’s idea, to which Eric quickly agrees. The magister gives Eric two days to bring forth proof or else Pam will die “a true death.” Both maker and child are stricken.

While Bill is soliciting a stripper who looks unnervingly like Miley Cyrus, Debbie’s initiation ceremony is beginning. The King shares his blood with his weres, then Debbie is branded.

Meanwhile, the stripper (Destiny/Camilla/Ann) tells Bill that love is a hell she’ll “never get out of alive.” [LIGHTBULB!!!] Bill tells her that no one does.

Debbie writhes on the stage at Pine’s, recovering from her branding and I become increasingly concerned that I can see clear to Tennessee through her vagina. I’m just sayin’, Deb–maybe sport some boyshorts next time you’re going to be writhing. The V and the violence get Coot riled up, which in turn gets the rest of the pack riled up. Do you know what happens when weres get riled up?

Coot’s shift sets off a chain reaction of shifting that affects even Alcide, who tells Sookie to run.

Her panic alerts Bill, whom of course, can still feel her moods.

Bill’s worry is interrupted by the king, who’s waiting in a limo with Lorena for Bill to return with their supper, the stripper. You guys need water-sealing.


About Salome G

Raised by werewolves.

2 responses »

  1. hey i really want to know who played the stripper!


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