This episode was so jampacked with stuff happening that it was hard to pick out one dominant theme, so let’s be both normal and the luckiest men alive after the jump.
The King asks Franklin why he’s dragging Tara around. “She’s such a fucking disaster–we could be twins!” That is true love. The King thinks that Franklin is a freak and he is, but his majesty does conclude that Bill has been lying to him. He asks Franklin to retrieve Sookie from Bon Temps, but of course, Sookie is in Jackson. The King is delighted.
Sookie wants to know more about Russell, but all Alcide knew until tonight was that the King was just some rich vampire. Sookie wants to talk to him. Alcide: “Are you out of your fucking mind?” Alcide, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Alcide promised Eric he’d keep Sookie out of trouble, so he tells her she isn’t going near the King. It’s a good thing Sookie has such a good track record for listening. And speak of the handsome devil himself…
Eric is there hunting Bill, telling the King the same story he told the magister about it being Bill who sold the V. Unlike the magister, however, the King does not fall for Eric’s ruse. When Eric learns that Bill is there of his own free will, Mr. Northman has only one question. Without Eric asking, Bill answers, “Sookie is no longer mine.”
The King essentially commands Eric to spend the night while his majesty works on a plan to “solve all [their] problems.” Across town, Sookie awakens to Debbie and Alcide arguing. Poking through Debbie’s brain tells Sookie that Madame Pelt doesn’t know Bill’s whereabouts. Back at the King’s, Tara and Franklin’s relationship is totally normal.
Franklin is angry about the text messages Tara’s received from Lafayette, since she told Franklin she didn’t have a boyfriend. Once Tara assures him that Lafayette is really NOT her type, Franklin asks how to respond. Tara tells him to text back, “Trust me, motherfucker.” Franklin wants her to watch how fast he can type “motherfucker.” Then he deletes it so she can watch him again.
Is it weird that this part reminds me of my dad? When my stepmom watched Pee Wee’s Big Adventure for the first time, my dad told her not to worry if she missed any funny parts, because he’d rewind so she could get another chance to enjoy them. Also, my dad can text “motherfucker” really fast. Anyway. “In his other message, he calls you ‘hookah.’ Hoo-kah. Hoo-kah. It’s a water pipe.”
Jason’s ambitions of being a deputy continue. When he arrives at the sheriff’s department, the real deputies are having a spirited discussion of mulches. As one does. Kenya, who I am growing to be very fond of, encourages Kevin to try red mulch around his wishing well. “I don’t know–that seems kinda wild.”
Sam’s family moves into one of Sam’s rentals. Something weird is going on with Sam’s biodad and his brother. I don’t know what exactly, but you can tell because the camera pulls in on Joe Lee and spooky music starts playing. As Sam’s family unpacks, Terry pulls up to unpack his stuff because he’s moving in with Arlene. But first…
You know I love those goldenrod shades. Anyway, Sam thinks Terry is so emotional because he’s worried about the change he’s making, but that’s just it, awesome human being Terry says. He’s not worried. “This is what normal people do, Sam.”
Back at Merlotte’s, Lafayette is smoking Macanudos with Tommy when Jesus shows up. Lafayette quickly ushers in the younger man, thinking Jesus is there to tell him Mama Lafayette died. Think again, my beautiful friend. Jesus is there, in fact, because it’s his day off and he thought he’d come call on Lafayette. It takes some convincing but it finally gets through to the flustered Mr. Reynolds. “Oh, Lordy.”
I cackled loudly at that, because “Oh, Lordy” is something that southerners really do say and I know this, being an IRL southerner. You should hear me say “motherfucker”! [My mother is going to love this post.] And while we’re here, love the cheongsam top, L. Aaaand that fleur-de-lis pendant.
Sookie and Alcide go to meet with Alcide’s packmaster, who’s well aware of the King’s nefarious activities but powerless to stop it. Or rather, scared shitless to stop it. The King is old and powerful and has had wolves serving him for many a century. “Alcide,” he warns, “OBEY.” Packmasters just don’t understand.
Back in Jackson, Franklin is nigh on rending his garments over Tara trying to escape. She finally manages to calm his wailing (which set off a sound-activated alarm I have) by faking ardor. So it’s just like a real relationship, says every terrible comedian.
They are interrupted by Cooter, whose name I would append “my beloved” to if it didn’t sound so personal. Shortly after, Coot stops by Bill’s room. You know, just to gossip. After telling Bill that he’s on the King’s shit list, Coot drops a nugget of info that I must quote in full:
You know what else I hear? And this is sexy good news, Bill. You’re gonna love this, I know–I loved it. Your Bon Temps piece of country ass, your little blonde ho? Is fucking a werewolf right here in Jackson! Suck that dick!
Coot has to know who said werewolf is, so it’s nice of him to be so happy for Alcide. Bill doesn’t think so apparently, because he freaks out and attacks Coot (“WHUR’S SOOKEH?!”). Then after incapacitating the guard who comes to check out the ongoing fracas (it’s a fracas!), Bill’s gone. I guess Coot gave him the address? Meanwhile in Bon Temps, Jason’s finding out that Crystal didn’t stand him up. He notices that she’s more comfortable in the woods than at Merlotte’s. Gee, I wonder why that is.
Before that, Joe Lee shows up at Sam’s drunk and shouty about how he owns Tommy. Sam gets Joe Lee to leave without his youngest son, but not before Joe Lee says that Tommy, who has a job and no drinking problem, needs to “learn responsibility.”
At the King’s, Tara is upset because she’s hungry and all Talbot’s assistants have given her is a daylily in a bowl. After Franklin promises to get her better food, she tells him that they need to talk. “Don’t say that. Women say that, everything goes black and I wake up surrounded by body parts.” Tara coquettishly fakes her way through telling Franklin she’s so into him before reminding him that she’s alive and therefore has to eat.
Franklin offers to take to a really nice place for dinner, the Vicksburg Shoney’s. That’s lovely, especially as the site of their celebration dinner before Franklin turns Tara into his vampire bride. Well. Let us know how it all turns out! While Tara is being horrified yet again, Eric gets the grand tour of the mansion courtesy of Talbot. While looking at a display of artifacts, Eric recognizes one as a Viking crown. Batten down the hatches, we’re flashing back! This time, we flash back to the earliest we’ve ever been, as we see that the crown was Eric’s father’s.
While Eric is off feeling up the redhead who feeds the goats (once you go red, your father’s dead), his family is attacked by a strange group of wolves who turn into men when they die. When Eric’s father is fatally wounded, a strange man commands a wolf to bring the crown and then dissuades Eric from attacking.
He quickly tells her that she has to leave Jackson and leave him behind because there’s no hope for him. Say, how well do you think she’s going to listen to him? Yep, about as well as you’d guess. Sookie just wants to know who she’s running from. Well, a whole lotta things. Werewolves, vampires, green peppers, chili, onions, um…