I read your comments. I get your e-mails (Tanis from Regina, SK asks: Can you please include more pictures of Joe Lee in his filthy underpants? To which I say, no, ma’am. I cannot). I know you were disappointed in last week’s abbreviated recap and I apologize for letting you down. So let’s make it right after the jump.
As you may recall from last week, but probably not from my subpar recap, Sookie was taken back to the King’s mansion, where Tara managed to bust the two of them out. Sookie, of course, would not leave without Bill, who was in the slaves’ quarters being tortured by Lorena (Vampires! They’re just like us!) and being drained by Debbie and Cooter. When Sookie comes roaring in there, she’s quickly overpowered by Lorena, who feeds from her and then becomes the 700th person to ask Sookie, “What are you?”
And after vomiting a geyser of blood, my main irritation is no more. Gah, why couldn’t Maryann have gone that quickly? Anyway, Bill must have summoned all the undead adrenaline in the world to be able to pull this off because after Lorena is dead and he’s soaking in her blood, he falls still, just as Alcide and Tara get there with Alcide’s truck. As they’re all wrapping Bill in the convenient tarp that just happens to be lying there, Debbie comes back for seconds and thirds and fourths and deaths.
Alcide tells Debbie that he didn’t have a choice, to which she says that he did and he chose a “fangbanger” over one of his “own.” Which reminds me, have we had any indication as to whether Debbie is a were-wolf? I know she is a were, but in the books she’s not a wolf. Anyway, Alcide locks Debbie in the quarters and everyone else finally gets into the van, which is pursued by wolves.
Jason is depressed about Crystal, to be specific, and how she brushed him off last week. And how she had a fiancé. He also wonders if she were named after the champagne, because he reckons so. Below: “I bet you a hundred to one, her middle name’s ‘Meth.'”
Speaking of, Hoyt reminds Jason of the random Norris that got picked up the week before and how he’s just sitting in jail, ripe for questioning. After Jason declares this plan genius, saying that he knew his and Hoyt’s being roommates “wasn’t going to suck forever,” Hoyt goes to answer the door. It is Summer, his date from two weeks ago. After asking to be invited in, she hollers that she’s not a vampire “like your last girlfriend” and Hoyt is as surprised as any of us to find out that he has a current girlfriend. Suffice it to say, Summer is now super-aggressive, wanting to tidy up the house and be his girlfriend and she would just love for Hoyt to taste her biscuits. Hey, don’t look at me, darlin’–she said it.
Over at Sophie Anne’s, the Queen herself is in a birdcage, to which Eric brings Hadley, intent on pumping her veins for information. Or, you know, until Sophie Anne gives up some information on Sookie.
I would also like to point out that as Eric hustles Hadley into the room, he is HUMMING. I wish I could reproduce that in a photo for you, but that is not a technology that exists. But in my heart it does. For you. Anyway, Sophie Anne scoffs at the thought of Eric trusting the King but Eric scoffs at trusting Sophie Anne and says that the only vampire a vampire can trust is the one he made. Then he starts to drain Hadley.
Before he can fully drain her, Hadley begs him to stop and tells him that she’ll tell him what he wants to know. Eric is surprised that the Queen would confide in a human, but of course, Hadley is Sookie’s cousin. Eric stops feeding and Hadley tells him the secret of what Sookie is. “I certainly wasn’t expecting that.”
Sam, who has shifted into a pit bull just like Tommy, sneaks into the dogfighting camp. He sits sweetly as one of these human dregs (played by Sean Bridgers, whom you might recognize from Deadwood) collars him and leads him to the kennels. Then Sam stops being polite and starts getting real.
In the back of Alcide’s truck, Sookie cuts her arm open for Bill to feed. Bill regains strength quickly and desperate from hunger, feeds greedily from a flailing Sookie. For some reason, the Bill and Sookie love theme is playing during this.
Having returned to his senses, Bill’s wants to know what happened to Sookie but instead he is unceremoniously dumped into the sunlight, as a cartoon truck-shaped outline forms and disappears beside him. The strange thing is, the sun appears to have little supernatural effect on Bill. Below: The fuck?
Alcide and Tara rush Sookie to the hospital, where she starts to seize as soon as she receives a transfusion. A doctor tells them later that Sookie is rejecting the transfusions and “doesn’t have a bloodtype.” Below: The fuck?
The hospital has requested O neg blood (the universal donor), but there’s no telling how long it’ll take until the blood is there and the doctor suggests the next of kin be notified. That news is positively joyous compared to what we see next, which is the end result of a dogfight, which is a gunshot. The Mickens family is ringside. Tommy’s opponent, a Rottweiler, is led to the ring. Look, my family’s dogs are basically terriers and rotties, so this was purt near nightmare fuel and I may or may not have shrieked like a cradle baby and hid behind said dogs while this scene was playing. So I missed some of this but caught the important part, which is that Sam stops the fight, but not before Tommy is mildly wounded by the rottie.
Jason stops by Merlotte’s to try to buy crystal from Lafayette, who refuses to sell to him because he doesn’t sell meth. While they’re having this Algonquin Roundtable-worthy discussion, Tara calls to tell Jason about Sookie’s condition.
Jason, with Lafayette in tow, rushes off to the hospital. It’s a good thing no one needs to work at Merlotte’s. At the dogfighting ring, Sam tells Tommy once again that he can do anything he wants, including leave with Sam. Finally this time, Tommy agrees, and Sam leads away his injured brother.
Sookie balks when her new friend Claudine tries to get Sook to swim home with her, but Claudine tells her that it “wasn’t the water that killed your parents.” Before Claudine can tell her what did, it gets dark in candyland and Bill appears at the foot of Sookie’s bed.
While they’re disagreeing, Sookie awakens and screams at the sight of Bill. Her screams segue into the magister’s, who’s still being tortured by the King. The magister finally breaks and does what Russell wants, which is to marry Russell and Sophie Anne. Below: “I’m so happy I could bleed.”
Their air kiss is the closest this marriage is going to come to consummation. After Russell has a freakout about who the true authority is, the group turns to leave the magister. Russell has a change of heart, though, and turns back telling the magister to “say hello to the true death” before beheading him.
His head splatters on the ground like a water balloon. Sweet dreams!