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“Everything Is Broken,” True Blood: In Pictures

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A lot of the stories last night revolved around what happens when the going gets tough. So let’s get going after the jump [NSFW]…

And we’re back, flying to Fangtasia on the wings of the snow-white dove Eric Northman. Upon his return, he immediately tells Pam what he’s done (staked the King of Mississippi’s partner) to which she replies with a serious question: “Are you insane?”

Seeking sanctuary, the vamps decide on bunking with a human. Pam suggests Sookie’s house, which is kind of sweet, but Eric flatly vetoes that. Next on the list is Ginger, who just walked in and asks if this might have something to do with the “V Feds.” You know, the ones who are right outside. Oh hey, Nan.

Nan is pissed because she should be out campaigning in support of the VRA instead of bothering with Eric, so she has him silvered for spite and then we go down Ginger’s screaming throat to the credits. Post-credits, Russell is rushing into his mansion looking for Talbot, who is now a mess of…mess. Much wailing and gnashing of fangs commences.

He probably wants to be alone. Let’s check in on the Stackhouse. Cover your eyes first! Ah, just a shower. But hang on, Sookie–are we supposed to suspect for even a hot minute that the shadowy figure outside is anyone but Bill? Also, this pretty much amounts to real person fanfic.

I mean, really.

Also also, they’re experimenting with a new love theme for Sookie and Bill. It kind of reminds me of “Have You Seen the Stars Tonite”. Anyway, downstairs, Sookie finds one recently deceased wolfman. While helping Bill dispose of the body, she says that she’d would like to stop finding dead bodies in her house. In her shower, in her pants–fine. But heavens no, not in her sitting room.

She finally gets around to asking Bill about the weird dossier he’s been keeping on her and he says that he was doing research to figure out why Eric is all up on her. He could be completely sincere, but there’s something about it that sounds shady.

From there we move to what sounds like the beginning of a joke: Jesus and Lafayette are sitting around in robes…. There is snuggling and then discussion of Jesus’s tattoo, which Jesus says is a reference to his high school mascot, after first referring to the role of the jaguar in Mayan culture. Let me guess, Jesus is either the Maryann of the Mayan culture, because I should be so lucky, or a werejaguar.

Meanwhile, Jason returns home to find Felton, whom Crystal is in the process of telling that Jason kidnapped her. Oh and raped her. While Felton is busy trying to choke Jason following the latter accusation, Crystal subdues her former fiancé with the shotgun. Below: “Could you not make me a rapist?”

Crystal tells Jason that they need to restrain Felton. She shoots down his offer to get handcuffs, because Felton can get out of them (“What is he, a magician?”), insisting on rope. While Jason is gone, she finds a sure-to-be-plot-significant bag of V vials on Felton.

Back at Fangtasia, Nan finds the cleanliness of the basement suspicious, but Eric and I just call that being a Virgo.

Meanwhile, Tara and Sam have an International Coffee moment wherein Sam encourages her to seek therapy. I guess they cut the part where he reminisced about his summer with Jean Luc. [Tanis Fowler calls that “Tuesday.”]

Interrupting this sharing is Terry, who’s calling to say that he and Arlene and the kids can’t sleep because there’s all sorts of “girl noises” coming from Tommy’s apartment.

Back at Fangtasia, Eric’s testifying via webcam about who Russell is to him and to the rest of conscious life. This is probably the first time anyone outside Godric, including Pam, has heard the story of what happened to Eric’s family.

Speaking of family, Tommy is getting all assed up because Sam is talking like a parent to him.

When life gives you lemons, tie those lemons to a tree off a parish road and hope for the best.

Over at Lafayette’s, Jesus is waiting for Ruby Jean’s ride. The lady herself has made herself up with her son’s extensive cosmetic collection and she’s noticed something different about said son. He’s glowing! It occurs to her that maybe Crazy Fred Phelps is wrong after all.

Jason brings Crystal to work with him, where Rosie the dispatcher is a weeping willow, distraught because poor Kevin (he of the opinion that red mulch is “too wild”) went to pick up some guy roped to a tree and got beaten to a pulp. While Jason is in the back, trying to nudge Andy toward a raid on Hotshot, Crystal tries to comfort Rosie, just as Kenya brings up Random Norris for arraignment.

While Sam was gone trying to parent Tommy, Tara used his laptop. Luckily, she wasn’t placing a W4V ad on Craigslist, but looking up a therapy group. Holly, the new Merlotte’s waitress, is also a member. It’s unclear what kind of group this is exactly, although it doesn’t seem to be any kind of Anonymous group. Holly shares her story about being a rape survivor. Tara’s chin quivers for her and for Tanis, who loves Tara’s wobbly chin.

Sookie’s got her scrapbooks out again.

While she’s doing that, Hadley calls and asks Sookie to meet her at the aquarium in Monroe. On the phone, she says that Sookie and Jason are the only family she has left, but that’s not true. Sookie meets Hadley’s son and confirms for her cousin that her son is a telepath.

Tommy is apparently skimming Arlene’s tips, which makes her blow her top and then he makes her cry. He’s not that happy himself, when he thinks that Sam is taking Arlene’s word over his and that Sam is a doormat. Holly goes to see about Arlene, who’s crying in Sam’s office. I can only imagine what went on in that group meeting after we left because not only does Arlene tell Holly spontaneously that Rene is the father of her baby, but also that she does not want the baby.

Elsewhere, water starts dripping into Bill’s crawlspace. When he opens the door, he’s in candyland, the tampon commercial fantasy of Sookie’s coma dreams.

Claudine runs from Bill, thinking he’s drained Sookie. He catches up with her and pops his fangs involuntarily, but it turns out Sookie isn’t the only one with a glow hand. (Or an easy touch.) Claudine tells Bill to stay away from Sookie and that “we” will protect her. Doing a bang-up job so far!

Nan had left Eric and Pam under the watch of security while the Authority deliberated. Pam emerges from her port-a-coffin to find that Eric hasn’t slept.

She asks Eric why he’d never told her about his family before. He tells her that it’s his burden alone to carry.

Then he tells her that if he doesn’t make it, that she should become a maker. This is too sad for her to consider.

You guys are making me cry! I’m going to go check in on my precious angel. Aw, pumpkin, what’s wrong?

Oh. Ugh.

Jessica tries to make a go of it, but she ends up popping her fangs, which embarrasses her. While she gathers her composure at the bar, Summer blathers on about Hoyt having chosen the light and the day and the antiquing instead of dark and the night and working on your night moves. Or your night cheese. And look, Summer–I don’t like you. But you got a nice rack. I’ll give you that.

Meanwhile, Crystal is upset that Random Norris, whom we now learn is named Teabag, thinks she’s a snitch. Jason tries to reassure her by telling her about the planned Hotshot raid, which may or may not be an actual thing at this point. She’s not as enthusiastic about it as Jason. She brings up the children in Hotshot and the people who aren’t involved in the drug trade and I wonder here, as I do later when she’s upset over Calvin, what do people who don’t know what’s up with Hotshot think about her behavior?

Jesus ordered a veggie burger with bacon, which L delivers to his table. Lafayette, you marshmallow. What happened to “you come in my house, you gonna eat my food the way I fuckin’ make it”? Shameful.

I see the fake eyelash epidemic that has ravaged Sookie, Tara, and Arlene has now struck Lafayette.

I thought I misheard Summer when she excused herself to the bathroom with “guard my dolls.”

While she’s gone, Jessica comes over to apologize. She asks if Hoyt’s happy and that’s when we find out that he hates Summer. Oh, have you figured out that she’s just like your mother, too, Hoyt?

So she asks the obvious question and he says he’s seeing Summer because it beats sitting around and pining after Jessica. Aw, vampire tears. I love that perfume.

As Nan returns to Fangtasia, Russell’s hanging out on the rooftop, where as you can see before the jump, he’s toting along Talbot like he’s a fucking aspic at a potluck. Fantastic. Nan gives the Authority’s ruling, which is that the interview and everything else is disavowed, disremembered. It never happened. Essentially, Nan and the League are giving Eric carte blanche to kill Russell and wiping their hands of any association with such an act. Below: “What?” Exactly.

Calvin shows back up at Merlotte’s. Sam, of course, already told Calvin and Felton last week that they weren’t welcome in the bar. Maybe it’s because of that, maybe it’s because he thinks Tommy thinks he’s weak, maybe it’s because Calvin calls him a pussy, but Sam hauls off and brains Calvin with a coffeepot. Then he turns his face into something approaching more of a Talbotesque consistency. Lord.

Jesus and Lafayette rush Calvin to the hospital. After a brief spat with Jason, Crystal climbs in with them and again, I wonder how this plays if you don’t know what’s going on in Hotshot.

While Tara watches this play out, Franklin comes alive. He’s still crazy, by the way.

Jason may not be able to save Crystal, but he is able to save Tara, particularly since he loaded his gun with wooden bullets. I don’t even know.

Bill is all aflutter, after coming back from candyland and he soap operas, “Sookie, I know what you are.” But tune in next week, ’cause you ain’t finding out this week!

Nan is in her limo, snacking on a box lunch, when all of a sudden things go pear-shaped during a news update of the campaign to pass the VRA.

Russell’s on TV. He’s on TV!

Besides putting his fist down, Russell has a message for you, America. It was so long, I fell asleep during it twice, but I got the gist, which is that vampires trying to achieve equal rights with the living is ludicrous, because humans are pitiful, puny creatures not equal to vampires. Oh and vampires want to eat humans, after they eat the humans’ children. Now time for the weather!

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About Salome G

Raised by werewolves.

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