Dear readers, we humbly apologize for being late with this recap. Two of us are moving and one of us is easily distracted by shiny objects. That would be me. The shiny objects would be the Emmys. True Blood didn’t win any, but they did provide us with an entertaining award presentation where we got to see exactly how much taller than Stephen Moyer Alexander Skarsgard is. But let’s focus on the show. I know, it’s hard, because not much happened in this episode until the very end, but sometimes, we have to eat our vegetables before we can have our deserts.
C’mon in! Eric assures us the sun is fine!
This evening’s festivities begin with Bill lurking his way into Fangtasia looking for Sookie. Emerging from the basement, Pam purrs that nobody’s home. “SookieisIfeelherfear” says Bill, apparently in such a hurry he can’t pause between words. Pam is so over this. She calls Bill an infatuated tween and tells him this isn’t about his relationship, there’s a bigger picture. “Not to me,” Bill growls and lunges for the basement door. Pam makes her point with a diamond-tipped sledge hammer.
Or, rather, an infuser of colloidal silver. “In stock and overpriced at your local health food store.” You guys, I think I’m in love. Head Bitch In Charge, this one.
Estonian Yvetta, the dancer Eric promised a job and good sex, stumbles down the stairs to let Sookie loose. Not that she’s not happy to be unchained, but Sookie though she was on Eric’s team. Yvetta scoffs. “Heem! Big blond stupid! I hate!”
OK, but honey, let’s not kid ourselves. We’re ALL on Team Eric. You only hate big stupid because you haven’t had to deal with little stupid. Seriously, they must give Moyer an apple box to stand on when he and ASkars film scenes together.
Upstairs, Bill and Pam are still AUUUUUUUGHHHHHING!!! at each other. Maybe that’s why they didn’t see Yvetta traipse through the bar, unlock the basement door and go downstairs while muttering to herself in her mother tongue. Sookie traps Pam with a silver chain and hands her over to Yvetta, then examines Bill’s newly disgusting face.
They decide to leave in case Eric comes back, but first Sookie wants to know why Eric locked her up. Pam says she was supposed to be a gift for the King. But now they’re all going to die because of some stupid human. “Good!” Sookie snits. She and Bill make to leave, but Pam whines that she doesn’t want to be left with some “idiot immigrant.” Yvetta takes umbrage.
“In Tallinn, I am cardiologist!”
At Lafayette’s den of iniquity, Jesus is freaking out because they went on such an intense V-fuelled trip. Lafayette, however, is one chill motherfucker. All up in this with his blanky and his tube socks and a cigar.
Jesus wants to do it again right away. Lafayette drawls “Just LIKE a virgin!” Ha! But seriously. Lafayette says he doesn’t want to go back to the V well so soon because you never know where it’s going to take you.
After we take turns almost knocking over our lamps in reaction, Lafayette realizes it’s just a V aftershock. But he’s still freaked. Jesus tries to comfort his boyfriend, but Lafayette just hands him his pants and says “Lala needs to rest.” That’s funny. That’s exactly what Salome said to me when it was time to do In Pictures this week! Anyway, Jesus sulkily performs the walk of shaman. See what I did there?
You get the feeling that Crystal has explained the whole werepanther thing NUMEROUS times now. Jason and Crystal play the “poor me” game. Spoiler alert: She wins. Yeah. Cuz she’s expected to marry and “lie under” her half brother to bear his werechildren until she’s old or dead. Jason can’t handle that, so he takes off to find Sookie. Like a boss. Good job, Jason. You are a stand up guy.
At the Compton Compound, newly reunited Hoyt and Jessica are making out.
He feels different after feeding off her to heal the wound Tommy gave him. He tells her he loves her and she tells him about how she killed a trucker. Things you share. She wants to be honest about who she is and lays it out flat: She can’t stomach True Blood (It’s the Bud Light Lime of the vampire world.) and won’t stop drinking human blood.
Hoyt tells her to drink him.
She does. It’s hot. It would be a lot hotter if he didn’t currently have the world’s worst haircut.
At the Jackson Art Museum, the King of Tennessee and Talbot are admiring a landscape as we admire a somewhat more gruesome scene.
Yes, a museum guard has lost his life to the cause of protecting priceless art from vampires who carry around soup tureens filled with the guts of their seriously ex boyfriends. Eric joins us and he and the King go tit for Talbot.
“You killed the only man I ever loved,” says the King. “You killed my family to get a crown for your vast collection of meaningless shit,” says Eric. The King: “Well, yeah! No doy!”
So then, the King is TOTALLY going to kill Eric, except Eric promises to give the King “The Sun.” Ah, daywalking. The king is familiar with that myth, though he is intrigued to know what the secret is (Shhhhh! The secret is Sookie!) because he’d like to be invincible when it comes time for him to take over the world. Eric agrees to tell him.
This Very Serious, Glowery Moment is rudely, if not cheerfully, interrupted.
By Eric’s hilariously jaunty ringtone.
“Not. A Good. Time.”
It’s Pam. She tells him that Sookie’s gone and so is the cash. Both have been liberated by Yvetta.
Sookie, who was Eric’s whooooole plan, is driving away with Bill the Pill, who is acting like a jealous baby because Sookie can’t help her feelings for Eric since she’s had his blood. Also, she saw him on the roof with Godric and knows that he has real feelings for certain beings.
Bill is pretty transparent with his jealousy and blame issues. This is one of those rare moments when I like Sookie because she’s pretty matter of fact and practical and tells him she’d be a fool to trust either him or Eric. Sing it, sister. When this is all over, Bill says he wants to start over with her. They’ll be new, he says. “Will we?” Sookie is doubtful that people can change. Even if they want to. And that’s the end of that scene.
Oh eff. I thought I could skip the shitty part of the show (Bill and Sookie 4EVA!!!1!) but the shitty parts of this show just don’t know when to stop! Here’s Tara. She’s in a graveyard, visiting Eggs. (Whose real name, we are reminded, is Benedict.)
It simply would not be an episode of True Blood without Tara’s chin wobbling. WE GET IT, TARA.
Moving right along, Arlene and Holly take some time off being shitty waitresses to jaw about how they’re going to get rid of Arlene’s devil baby (Have you tried an exorcism followed by a bonfire followed by some satan worshipping? It worked for Nell Sweetzer. Sort of.) They are interrupted by Sam, who is drunk and boorish and comically awful at it. Terry, the awesomest, tries to calm him down. Sam responds by calling Terry a “shell-shocked motherfucker.”
Arlene and I both gasp “SAM MERLOTTE!” Nobody gets why Sam is being an ass. More importantly, nobody cares. Stupid plot is stupid now. Arlene demands that Sam apologize to Terry. He refuses. Holly points out that his “negative energy” is not helping their tips.
Not done being a jerk, Sam reminds these “bitches” that he owns this joint and they should just shut up and do their fuckin’ jobs. See if you can guess which word he’s forming here:
Holly, is like “Nope. No.” Nobody talks to her like that. She tells him to wait his own goddamn tables and takes off with Arlene and the salt in tow.
Jason ends what I am sure is his version of an exhaustive search for his sister. And by that I mean, he looked at his house and he looked at the football field.
She’s not there, because, duh, why would she be? Frustrated, he calls her and asks her voicemail where she is. Sigh. So pretty. So dumb. Having so completed his brotherly duties, Jason moseys over to the field to watch the current football star, Kitsch (I am assuming this is an homage to Friday Night Lights) practise with his buddies while his girlfriend gets pissy cuz he SAID he would come watch her try on outfits! He refuses to leave. She stomps her little foot and mutters “Dildo!” Hee. This guy is totally a dildo. Jason watches as the kid throws a couple of bullet passes that literally knock his buddies down. The gears churn away in Jason’s head.
Summer shows up crying at Mama Fortenberry’s to tell her that Hoyt doesn’t want her. I see Maxine has recovered nicely from last year’s orgy demon infestation.
Summer is sad because she’s not tall like Jessica. She can’t even reach stuff on her closet shelf without a grabber! Ahh, the plight of the tiny. Amiright, Salome? Maxine tells Summer she’s cute as pigs and not to give up. Ugh. Please. Give up. This is one of those annoyingly stupid plots they appear to be setting up for next season.
Tara arrives at Merlotte’s where a still snarly Sam snits that he could use some help. “I can see that,” she says. “Too bad I’m not working.” Oh good. She brought her mood with her. She wanders over to where Andy is picking at some onion rings to make him uncomfortable and tell him she knows about Eggs. I like mine over easy. Tara likes hers with a side of truth sauce, so a chagrined Andy serves up a little.
Up till now, she hasn’t heard that Eggs was out to harm himself. “Nobody cares about Eggs but me,” Tara whines. You got that right, sister. NEXT!
In case you were wondering, Sam and Terry are not speaking.
Seems the special at Merlotte’s tonight is “fuck all y’all, motherfuckers!” and Tommy is currently being served a heaping helping of that dish by Sam, who demands that his bus boy go wait some tables. Tommy refuses, they fight and Tommy tells Sam he looks like “Joe Lee in a Sam suit.” This enrages Sam, who fires Tommy and evicts him in one go. Little bro scrambles to make things OK because he has nowhere else to go. But Sam has decided he’s done with Tommy and tells him he doesn’t care what happens to him.
OK. I feel bad for Tommy. I do. He is literally every “bad dog” I’ve ever met. They ain’t born that way. Humans treat them like shit and they become that way. When Tommy tells Sam he’s the spitting image of Joe Lee (except for the dirty undawears) and he’s right. With his hair like that and his face all haggard, Sam does look like his pappy. He also displays about the same amount of business sense by kicking out all his customers. Tara calmly takes in the action and pours herself some tequila. Sam barks at her to “leave!” She stares him down, rolls her eyes, says “No!” and tosses back a shot.
Fun. This has been fun, you guys.
Sookie and Bill are still driving (where the fuck are they going? I didn’t think Bon Temps was this big!) and Bill continues to be a tit. He tells her she wouldn’t have ended up in the dungeon if she’d just stayed put. God. There is nothing worse than somebody condescendingly telling you that they told you so after you’ve already been chained up in a dungeon by a vampire! Maybe she’s used to it, though, because it doesn’t seem to phase her. Bill wants to run away with Sookie and be normal. They talk about the lives they’d lead if they were normal. Sookie wants to be a rich real estate agent. Bill wants to teach the third grade. In their fantasy world, Tara comes over for dinner. “Sometimes, we double date with Arlene and Terry.” And Bill goes fishing with Jason. (I bet they also go denim shirt shopping together.) “We don’t even know Eric Northman!” Tsk. You should never speak of the devil you’re trying to avoid, Sookie.
Mssrs. Northman and Edgington suddenly appear in front of Sookie’s car. She screams because it’s Sunday and there haven’t been enough screams.
In the woods, Holly uses the salt to cast herself a circle with Arlene sitting at its centre. “Amen,” says Arlene when she’s done. Haha! OK, if you want. Holly tells Arlene maybe before they get started on her wiccan abortion, she should get right with the Great Mother. So Arlene does some stern talkin’ to her dead mama about how this is the only way to be sure Rene won’t pass his sickness on to the world. She chokes down her tea with blood in it (Nothin’s free, Holly reminds us as she pricks Arlene’s finger for a sacrifice) and they both open their arms to the sky.
Kitsch the QB charmingly calls his friends pussies when they leave his torture/practice. He turns to run some laps only to bump into Grandpa Stackhouse. Oh sweetie. This isn’t Grandpa Stackhouse. You haven’t met HIM yet, but when you do, I promise he won’t look anything like Jason.
He confronts Kitsch about how he’s on V. Kitsch is like “Yeah? And?” There’s some dick measuring in which Jason claims his high school football records stand because it doesn’t count if you’re on V. Kitch says tell it to the papers. Seriously, who gives a shit, Jason? I love how quickly he forgets about Crystal and his sister and everything important when his stupid manly football penis pride is on the line.
Maybe it’s just me, but I think this show is stronger when it’s not trying to after school special us about whatever. Come for the vampires, stay for the sermon about why drugs are bad, mmmmkay?
But if they’re going in that direction, maybe Lafayette can give the sermon, seeing as how he’s still experiencing the not so positive side effects of V. Mainly, all his dolls be talkin’ to him.
He pulls his blanky tighter around his shoulders. Me too, buddy. Me too.
Eric and the King bring Sookie and Bill back to Fangtasia and I have to ask, how come the graffiti artists in this town hate the letter W so much?
The King tells Sookie her country is “begging to be conquered.” She snarks “you don’t know much about Amurrica.” IRONY. Moyer is British, Skaarsgard is Swedish and Paquin was born in Canada and raised in New Zealand. Denis O’Hare is the only one in this group who’s actually FROM the U.S.! While he’s regaling Sookie with tales of how he’s going to RULE THE WORLD, Eric tells Bill to hit him. He actually needs to be told twice, which I think is kinda funny.
But Bill catches on and they start beating the crap out of each other, which the King seems to find amusing. He leaves them to Vampire Fight Club (Rule number one: Don’t talk about Vampire Fight Club. Rule number two: Enjoy yourself!) and brings Sookie into the bar. Eric immediately retracts his fangs. He has a plan.
Merlotte’s. Tara and Sam engage in some friendly “my life sucks worse than your life sucks” banter. OMG. Again? All your lives suck! I am soooo tired of both of these plots. And characters. Sam is one of my favourite characters in the books, but as he helpfully points out here, the only reason he has so many friends is cuz he’s the one who does all the shit jobs. So he thought he’d behave like a shitty person. Tara does it all the time and people leave her alone. Boy, do they ever. See, she’s such an angry bitch that she has no friends. But good news! They decide that their lives suck so much, that the following words would be really helpful: “Let’s fuck.”
Man. For somebody who claims not to be popular, Tara sure sees a lot of dick. While they are fucking, they do not notice that Tommy is being a bad dog. He cuts a wire connected to Sam’s alarm system and starts to turn the dial on the safe.
Arlene, meanwhile, is fishing with a bobber. I hate bobbers. I prefer casting out all the time. I got no patience. Her mama calls her and she says she’s comin’.
Because this fishing trip is sepia toned, we know Arlene is dreaming. She wakes to Terry freaking out. She wonders what’s wrong and he reveals that she’s bleeding. Everywhere.
She tries not to look TOO relieved and at the same time, breaks it gently to Terry that she’s OK, but she thinks they’re losing the baby. Terry blubbers. Dawwww! I love him so much! Seriously. Todd Lowe has been KILLING IT as Terry. This year and every year. He is my absolute favourite character!
Jason returns home to find the little panther lady waiting for him in a custom designed sack. She asks if he found Sookie. “No and I don’t know where else to look.” Really, Jason? Did you try NOT the football field? Your sister hangs out with vampires. Try the VAMPIRE BAR. JEEZ. Oh well. At least Jason Stackhouse is a man who knows his own limitations. He tells Crystal he’s no cop. He knows that nobody in this town is what they say they are, so no big deal that she turns into a panther. Besides, he loves her. Jason, you love too easily. You have known this girl for, what? TWO DAYS? She’s, like, your third true love in as many months! But nobody listens to me. They kiss.
She wants to celebrate their love by going back to Hot Shot to stop the raid. Oh right. That. She and her extended entrepreneurial family are cooking meth and dealing V and the cops are going to raid the community. Jason is confused. Me too. We appear to have wandered from an episode of Friday Night Lights to an episode of Breaking Bad! “You ran away,” he points out. Agreed. Let’s not go back. It’s always a mistake to go back. But there are innocent kids. Right. And it seems to me like they’d be better off if their tweaker parents were in jail, Crystal. But what the fuck do I know? I’m just not the product of inbreeding, meth cooking werepanthers.
The King and Talbot are skeptical that Sookie is a fairy, a species that has been extinct for a millennia. Eric tells him she’s a human fairy hybrid, like that explains it. Sookie tries to convince them that it’s ridiculous to think her blood will act as a sunscreen for vampires. To her chagrin, Bill jumps in to tell them that it will. She freaks that he also seems to be betraying her. He says if the King gets a taste of her blood, he might let her live. Yay! Maybe she can travel with the King in a gravy boat or something! She snits that she hates them all.
Throwing caution to the wind, the King decides that he’ll deign to drink Sookie’s blood. But only if Eric goes first. Oh, he would simply LOVE to!
Arlene and Terry are at the hospital. He’s feeling guilty that she was working and thinks he should’ve been doing every little thing for her. Aw. Terry, you are too good for this show. Doctor Santa Claus comes in and tells them not to worry because the baby’s still on board. Whoops. Terry claps like a man possessed. Arlene: Yay?
Daylight approacheth. Pam is worried that Sookie’s blood won’t protect Eric and that he’ll meet the sun with the King and die — wait for it — the true death. She doesn’t say so, but her blood tears do. Eric: “You know I love you more when you’re cold and heartless.”
Sniff! You two crazy kids!
Onwards! Eric: “Shall we?” The King: “Do let’s!” He’s quite eager to get on with the biting. Ever the buzzkill, Bill warns them not to drain Sookie completely. She thanks him for his helpful advice. The both sample the wares. She screams. Of course she does. You know, I’d like for Sookie’s powers to be less “shooting power from my finger tips” and more “using my brain to defeat these morons.” Every episode this season has been Sookie crying or screaming or needing rescued or being fed on or being kissed. Part of the charm of the character in the books is that she is not some helpless girl who can’t think for herself or fight back. Get on it next season, guys. This is tiresome.
Eric opens the door of Fangtasia and sees his first sunlight in a thousand years. Excellent job by Alexander Skarsgard. A complicated yet subtle series of emotions wash over his face in about five seconds.
Incredulity and wonder:
And then, just the slightest sliver of resignation and sadness:
GOOD JOB, SIR.
Bill interrupts this touching moment by begging to be untied so he can feed Sookie. Too bad everybody is busy watching the bar’s security monitors and crying blood tears. Thankfully, they also miss the fact that Eric is starting to smoke.
The King is all “Thousands of years of night! You cannot know!” Pam is all “Go meet the sun!” She means that. He opens the door and wanders out, smiling. Until Eric turns to reveal the smouldering remains of his beautiful, beautiful face.
Bill whines some more about Sookie, but Pam is too busy lamenting what is starting to seem like Eric’s final sacrifice (“OK, but this is the FINAL sacrifice!”) with every non-beat of her icy heart to even pretend to care. And why should she? Eric is her maker. Bill’s known Sookie for, like, six months. Tops. Outside, Eric quickly slaps a silver handcuff onto the King, who howls.
“Be brave,” says Eric. “We’ll die together.”
Oh, Eric! You will not! You’re far too pretty and important to die! But I guess for viewers who are completely unspoiled and slightly retarded, this would be a pretty good cliffhanger.
Tune in two weeks from now for the exciting conclusion of True Blood’s third season! Well, don’t expect excitement. Do expect nudity, screaming, swearing and carnage.