Guys. I’d like to apologize in advance for loving this episode of Glee.
I know I’m not supposed to like Gwyneth Paltrow, but I do. I like her movies. Even Sliding Doors. Hell, ESPECIALLY Sliding Doors. Jess can attest to the fact that I own it on DVD. What can I say? I’m a sucker for Scottish accents and meaningful haircuts and I tried to get the one she gets in that movie about three times in my life. It’s never worked.
So when this image graced my screen last week, it was all I could do not to clap my hands with delight:
I would like nothing more than to watch endless episodes of Animal Hoarders while getting highlights and drinking wine with Jane Lynch and Gwyneth Paltrow. Haters gonna hate.
Do I like her blog, Goop? No. But you know what? I don’t read it. I don’t care if she wants to tell you how to make herbs de provence and buy the best sparkling champagne or whatever the fuck it is she does. People constantly tell you to “get a blog” if you want to complain or pontificate on the Internets. And that appears to be exactly what she’s done, so why you mad, dudes?
Anyway. I like Gwyneth. She’s my homegirl. And this was the best episode of Glee since the pilot. Yeah, I said it.
Evidence after the jump.
First off, baby gleeks!
Schue gets sneezed on by the fat girl, then promptly gets sick and imagines all the glee kids as babies.
SO CUTE YOU GUYS!
Baby Brittany FTW:
“Some day, I’m going to go to Paris and visit the oeuvre.”
Schue reluctantly goes home to be sick and Terri stops by to take care of him and reveal entirely too much about their kinky sex lives.
He gets all snippy just cuz she wants to shove a thermometer coated in petroleum jelly up his butt. Think for a minute about why Will has these things on hand in his bedside table. Terri leaves, but first she throws Will a copy of Singin’ In the Rain because she knows its his favourite movie and makes him feel better when he’s sick. Ugh. Great. Now that’s ruined for me, too.
Kurt whines about something to Mercedes in the lunch line and she’s all “Relax. We’re going bowling in downtown coolsville, population, US!” She’s very happy that the cafeteria is serving tater tots. Kurt makes a face. After Rachel tries to take over glee in Schue’s absence, Santana gets a little ragey and this prompts Kurt to ask their cool Spanish substitute Holly Holliday if she’d like to sub in at glee, too, since he remembers her singing Conjunction Junction in his English class. Everybody loved it. Including Brett.
“You smell homeless, Brett. Homeless.”
Kurt can be such a douche.
Holly agrees to take over glee. She shows up ready for the kids when they decide to act up by buttering the floor and switching identities.
Puck and Santana pretend to be Finn and Rachel. And Brittany? “I’m Mike Chang.”
Holly quickly gets on their side by dissing Schue’s setlist of Journey songs. She asks them what songs THEY want to sing and Puck says Mr. Schue never listens to what he has to say and we flash back to him asking if they can sing that new Cee-Lo song, Forget You. Um. That’s not what it’s called, but OK. She readily agrees.
Santana: What do you know about Cee-lo? You’re like, 40.
Gwyneth: Top 40, sweet cheeks!
Then she sings the radio-friendly version of Cee-Lo’s Fuck You, which was the summer jam on my iPod. She does a serviceable job. I like this song, though its power is seriously diminished by taking out the swears and having Gwyneth sing. Because she can’t. But she seems like she’s having fun and it’s modern and infectious and yay! A pop song that isn’t 20 years old!
There is a lame subplot about Sue taking over for Figgins while he’s infected with this monkey flu. She tells Coach Bieste that the football team has been disbanded. Bieste is all “who will the cheerios cheer for, then?” Oops. So bested, Sue backs down and scribbles about her humiliation in her journal. That’s when she sees some chubby students chowing down on greasy dinners and calls Becky in to take a note. “I’m banning po-tater tots.” GASP! Wait. I meant WHO CARES!?
Schue wanders into the auditorium and greets… Mike Chang! Yay! Mike Chang!
(You guys, I really like Mike Chang.)
Mr. Chang says he’s glad Mr. Schue is better because they can’t win sectionals without him. And that’s how you know it’s a dream sequence. Usually, my dream sequences feature shirtless Mike Chang, but I’ll take what I can get.
They do a shot-for-shot remake of Make Em’ Laugh from Singin’ In the Rain. It’s one of my favourite musical performances and I’m happy they’re allowing Harry Shum Jr. more opportunities to show off his considerable dancing and broad comedic acting talents, but this is otherwise pretty pointless.
Still, if nothing else, you got to see this suave motherfucker do a wall flip like a boss. Jeez.
Rachel wakes Schue from his pleasant dancing dreams to tell him that Holly is taking over glee. He says he’s not worried, but Rachel’s seen Sue getting comfy with Holly (aforementioned Animal Hoarders scene) and she’s taking it very seriously. She tells him he has to get better because every day he’s home, she’s there and it becomes more and more likely that she’ll be the teacher and he’ll be the substitute.
Un-huh. Rachel, you need to be introduced to a little thing called the teacher’s union. That would not happen. But Will does appear to be worried now. Well, nobody said he wasn’t stupid.
Mercedes and Kurt talk and he reveals he’s breaking their epic bowling plans to go see a community theatre production of Rent. Yikes. Bowling or Rent. Tough call. Bowling is less tragic, though. Mercedes is miffed that Kurt is blowing her off. But she’s more miffed when the cheerios show up to confiscate the tots as per Sue’s orders. Mercedes takes her tot fight to Sue, who brandishes a stalk of broccoli and asks Mercedes to tell her what it is. “A toilet brush.” Blokay.
“When I showed this to Brittany earlier, she began to whimper, thinking I had cut down a small tree where a family of gummy bears lived.” Yeah, that sounds like Brittany. Sue’s point is that nutrition is abysmal. OK. Fine. She probably has a point. But this plot is stupid.
Holly approaches Rachel in the hall and Rachel is all “yap, yap, yap.” And Holly rolls her eyes and becomes my new hero with the following words:
“Rachel? You suck!”
Hahaha! It’s funny cuz it’s true. Rachel is only a drag because Mr. Schue never listens to her ideas. Like how she wants to do something a little more upbeat and glamourous with a good dance beat. Somehow, that translates into Rachel and Holly singing a medley of Hot Honey Rag and Nowadays from Chicago. Lea Michelle IS contractually obligated to sing at least one broadway hit every week and this appears to be it.
There is a gross, gross, GROSS scene where Terri rubs mentholatum on Schue’s back (it goes on your chest, you morons) and they make sick, disgusting, sick love. Blech. I will spare you any more details because who cares? Nobody.
Moving on to the next plot I don’t care about, Kurt is trying to set Mercedes up on a date with a black football player who is not Azimio or Matt. She’s all “Is it because he’s one of five black guys at this school?” “Noooo…..” Yes. It is. She says she can’t take this anymore. Kurt’s all “trust me, Mercedes! Love is just around the corner!” And Karofsky walks by all “What’s up, homo?” He winks at Kurt. GUH. Can I just take a moment to say that fandom for this show is CRAY-CRAY? Because there are a LOT of people who are like “Kurt + Karofsky = TRUE LOVE 4EVA!!!” Um. Yes.
Unsurprisingly, Mercedes is not talking about love. Instead, she stages a tot rebellion.
Schue shows up at school and Sue tells him he’s fired because the kids prefer the substitute and so does she. “I gotta be honest with you, Will. A lot of it’s the hair thing. In fact, right now, I’m tempted to sell your scalp on the black market as a tiny, full-length shearling coat for only the most fashionable of premature babies!” Hahaha! I sincerely feel my heart swell whenever Sue makes fun of Schue’s hair. It’s awesome.
Kurt appears to be trying to include Mercedes in his plans with Blaine. They are at Breadstix talking about all things gay and Mercedes imagines them speaking as if every word in their conversation is gay. “Gay, gay! Gay-gay-gay GAY!” says Kurt.
“Oh my gosh! I opened my mouth and a little purse just fell out!”
Mercedes can’t take it anymore. She asks the waitress for some tots. Sigh. OF COURSE THE ITALIAN RESTAURANT HAS TOTS!
Schue interrupts Holly Holliday’s band dudes’ paint job to be a douche about her taking over. Well, since this show is not at all based in reality, I will suspend my disbelief that Will could get fired for taking a sick day. WHY NOT? They have an argument about it and she’s all “I’m giving them a voice!” This was what originally attracted me to this show, FYI. Schue was doing that. But then suddenly it was about Schue’s love life and Schue’s ego and Schue, Schue, Schue! It wasn’t about the kids anymore. Everything that happened happened so Schue could learn some sort of life lesson that, I’m sorry, seems a little off because he’s a grown-ass adult who should have learned these lessons long ago.
They end things on an acrimonious note and the next thing we know, Holly and Mercedes are facing down Sue in her office because Mercedes shoved tots up the tailpipe of Sue’s car and Holly let her. She did $17,000 worth of damage to Sue’s classic automobile, the LeCar.
Holly: “Sooooo…. am I going to jail, or…?”
Sad and lonely, sad and lonely, Holly heads over to Will’s place because she heard he had expensive beer. Guys? I love her. They have a talk about Mercedes getting into trouble with Sue and Holly admits that she has no idea what she’s doing. As soon as things get serious, she retreats. She reveals that she used to be a buttoned down know-it-all, but then a black student named Cameo got in her face and assaulted her.
Uhhhhhh, I’m sorry. This is so racist I can’t even believe it. But by all means, continue, show. Since then, she lives a consequence free life where she never signs a long-term lease, eats off paper plates and doesn’t take permanent teaching positions. Oooookay. That’s dumb. Whatever. Terri shows up and Terries all over the place because she thinks Holly and Schue are boning? I don’t know. Schue is like “our night of mucous-y passion was a mistake.” On sooo many levels.
Kurt and Mercedes. She’s brought tots from home. UGH. ENOUGH WITH THIS STUPID PLOT! Nope. Kurt’s not done. He tells her she’s substituting food for love and him for a boyfriend.
WHAAAAAAAAAAT? Ew. That was offensive. They do SO WELL with Kurt’s plotlines and then have him say something STUPID like that. Because, see, I think Mercedes is merely trying to be your best friend, but you are doing what all people who are in relationships for the first time do: ignoring your best friend in favour of your boyfriend. Instead of kicking him squarely in the tots like he deserves, Mercedes smiles and goes off to find a black boyfriend because Kurt’s right. Oh. Okay. Good. Great.
Karofsky comes up to Kurt and asks if he’s told anybody about how Kurt kissed him. Kurt corrects him and says he kissed Kurt, but he says no, he hasn’t told anybody because he doesn’t want to force anybody out of the closet before they’re ready.
“Good. Keep it that way. Because if you do tell anybody, I’m going to kill you.”
Scary. Kurt seems more than a little haunted.
Schue, meanwhile, comes to Sue to grovel for his job back, but she just gives it to him because his kids love him and spoke up for him because he’s the only teacher who cares or some junk.
Whatever. He gets back to glee an immediately tries to start picking songs for Sectionals. He says when he’s sick, there’s only one thing that makes him feel better. Artie: “Gin and juuuuuuice.” No. That’s MY remedy. For Schue, it’s Singin’ In The Rain.
The kids are unenthused with this plan and Will can see he’s going to need some reinforcements. So he visits Holly, who is subbing a history class and doing the worst impression of Mary Todd Lincoln ever. He asks for her help modernizing Singin’ In The Rain.
So the glee club performs a mashup (ARGH! They are THE WORST!) of Singin’ In the Rain and Umbrella. And this song will NEVER make it to Sectionals because Holly can’t sing with them, Will can’t sing with them and I am pretty positive that they won’t be able to take their indoor rain machine with them. But who am I to deny you the sweet eyeball satisfaction of looking at Harry Shum Jr. dancing in water while wearing a hat and a vest and looking fooooooiiiiine? Nobody, that’s who. Please enjoy:
Tonight, there’s a wedding. And a shark jumping. I’m kind of getting tired of all the Kurt storylines. It is a testament to how much I like Chris Colfer (and duh, yes, abs) that I haven’t entirely given up on this show.
This week was fun and funny and entertaining in a way that it hasn’t been in a very long time. Even if most of the songs were kind of duds. I don’t know if the songs can be good while the show is also good, or if it’s just got to be one or the other and not both.
I was leery and doubtful about Gwyneth appearing, but she was really, really good and I would welcome her back with open arms. So there you go!