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Death To Canada: A Reasoned Response

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As if albino man sprite Julian Assange and his increasingly less valuable Wikileaks aren’t annoying enough, here’s the latest bombshell from a 2008 diplomatic cable:

…the level of anti-American melodrama has been given a huge boost in the current television season as a number of programs offer Canadian viewers their fill of nefarious American officials carrying out equally nefarious deeds in Canada while Canadian officials either oppose them or fall trying.


Now as I’ve mentioned before, despite the fact that the Boob focuses overwhelmingly on American television, I am, in fact, the only natural born American on staff. It’s been bad enough having to read messages like, “I just realised that I have tou go tou my neighbourhoud centre and exchange my paycheque for health care loonies. PS: Moose.” Now I find out they’ve been enjoying entertainment at my expense? BETRAYAL.

And what kind of entertainment is it exactly? Oh, you know–routine stuff about how the United States is after Canadian resources like their vast Cheezies reserves when we’re not randomly strafing maple latte cities. You know–REALITY.

But obviously, artistic inspiration can come from anywhere, even the absurd and completely false. What really matters is, is it even quality television? Well, you can make up your own mind, but spoiler alert: it’s not. Let’s take a gander:

Chilling. I would also include a clip from CSI: Toronto–er, I mean, The Border, but I fell asleep during the ten minutes I watched and woke up to an address bar reading “AAAAAAAAFFFFE3E3E3E3E3E3E3E3.” Here’s a description of the show’s American agent from the cable: The show portrays the DHS official bossing around her stereotypically more compassionate Canadian colleagues while uttering such classic lines as, “Who do you think provides the muscle to protect your fine ideals?” and “You would have killed him. Let the American justice system do it for you.” Classic!

While I faltered, we must press on and fight against the fatigue. Indeed, we must remain vigilant against the growing threat. And it is growing:

…the degree of comfort with which Canadian broadcast entities, including those financed by Canadian tax dollars, twist current events to feed long-standing negative images of the U.S. — and the extent to which the Canadian public seems willing to indulge in the feast – is noteworthy as an indication of the kind of insidious negative popular stereotyping we are increasingly up against in Canada.

So yes, we must remain vigilant, because if we don’t, who knows what could happen?

Is that the future you want for your children? Your American children? I didn’t think so. So stay strong, friends, and don’t go gently into that Tim Horton’s at night.


About Salome G

Raised by werewolves.

5 responses »

  1. WHAT IS THIS, I DON’T EVEN. (It’s Tim Hortons, btw. Hoser.)

  2. “I just realised that I have tou go tou my neighbourhoud centre and exchange my paycheque for health care loonies. PS: Moose.”

    OMG. I’m dying. That “albino man sprite”. You madam, are a genius.

    • Aw, thank you! And oh, England. I know we don’t call as often as we should, and we aren’t as well behaved as our goody-two-shoes brother, Canada, who by the way has never had a girlfriend–I’m just sayin’…


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