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“She’s Not There,” True Blood: In Pictures.

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Hi, everyone! Like Tanis said in the last post, we’ve been very busy–I was tornadoed!–but now we’re back! This will be a bit on the abbreviated side, because I am v. sick. But anyway–

When we last left Bon Temps, some stuff had happened. Who can remember? Oh, I do. Fairies! Fuckin’ fairies. So let’s do it, ja?

We join Sookie in the fairyland tampon ad. There are other Fairy-Americans there, as we see others in the background dressed for their shift at like, the comic book store and not Coachella.

She meets Barry, the telepath from Dallas she met that one time and then we forgot about.

All the fairies are eating this glowing fruit and Barry joins in. Good idea–there’s absolutely nothing in literature or mythology about fruit leading to unpleasantness, so let’s scarf it down!

Sookie catches a glimpse of a familiar-looking man chowing down on this totally not ominous fruit and that triggers a memory for Sookie of her granddaddy picking apples, and that’s no coincidence, because worlds had been colliding!

Gary Cole is awesome. Granddaddy Earl thinks he hasn’t been gone that long, when he’s been gone decades, so obviously time moves very differently here. See, just a few minutes here is like months IRL. Wow, it’s so true to life! Credits. Anyway, Granddaddy Earl and Sookie talk about what happened to her grandma and her parents. Her can’t believe he’s gone 20 years because he thinks he’s been gone only four hours. Sookie sees the rot behind the pretty facade–literally, it all starts to rot before her eyes:

and realizes it’s a trap. We are introduced to a woman called Mab, which means she must be queen of the fairies and she bitches at Sookie about Bill being let through to the fairy world because he had some of Sookie’s blood and c’mooooooon. Let’s go back to Bon Temps, pleeeeease? And then–I must have a fairy godmother, because we are getting out of here! Fairies are fighting fairies! Glitter bombs are flying!

Then the kindly fairy who ushered Granddaddy and Sookie through all the glitter fighting leads them to a cliff and tells them they have to jump to get back to the human world. But whoops, Granddaddy–you can’t go! You ate the fruit! Below: So this is what we’re dealing with, now? Sigh.

Sookie drags her grandpa through the portal anyway, and they land in the Bon Temps cemetery, where he rapidly ages and dies/disappears. Cool plan. Cool use of Gary Cole. Cool cool cool.

Oh and as soon as Sookie came flying through the portal, two people knew immediately.

After sobbing for 20 seconds, Sookie makes her way to her house, which is being renovated apparently. Ernie, one of the laborers, tells her that if she doesn’t come out of the house, he’ll call the police. Below: Call the police–I don’t give a fuck!

She sits down and goes back to sobbing, although she is soon interrupted by a stern, “Hello? Police!” It’s Jason! He is real po-lice now. I feel safer already.

He tells her that everyone thought she was dead. Sookie thinks she’s been gone 2 weeks, but Jason tells her she’s been gone twelve and a half months. So, yanno, he sold her house. While they’re having this fascinating conversation–he sold her house! at least he didn’t sell her stuff!–the good ol’ moon comes up and those two people that knew Sookie was back show up. Hi, Bill. Oh, Eric. Bill’s hair looks much better, but I’m still gonna put him on probation because of last season’s gross bangs.

In the middle of hot guys doin’ stuff and Bill also being there, Sheriff Andy shows up and he is HOT about Sookie being back. His temper tantrums seem to be a little over the top even for him, so–say, you don’t suppose he’s on the V now, do ya? Well, he is!

This episode seems determined to check in with everybody, like we’d forget if they didn’t do a roll call, so let’s drop in on Lafayette and Jesus. The latter wants Laffy, who has a mohawk now, to come to some witchy meeting. Laffy is none too inclined to get involved with this bunch, but relents, telling Jesus that he’ll go in for “5 minutes. 10 if they’ve got dranks.” My life motto!

“They even got a beaded curtain.”

My notes for this section just say “witch junk.” Marnie, the head of this little group–let’s just call ‘em a coven, shall we?–ends up channelling an Edith, an Edie…an Eddie? And Laffy freaks the fuck out as departed vamp Eddie speaks through Marnie, telling him, “They drained me, Lafayette. But it’s okay. It was worth it, just to have a glass of merlot with you.”

Over at the abode of Arlene and the Best Person Ever, Baby Mikey is a serial Barbie killer. Arlene, predictably acts like this is something way beyond the pale, and it makes it seem like she’s never had babies before. Because that is what babies do. Grab everything and try to fit it into their mouths. Terry says about as much and adds that when he was a wee tot, he used to get even weirder. He tried to make whole new animals! (My notes for this section say “squirrel heads on lizard bodies.”)

Over in New Orleans, Tara is cage-fighting ladies now.

She is also banging them, btw. Back in Bon Temps, the honeymoon is most definitely over for Hoyt and my princess. Also over? Jessica’s accent.

In Shreveport, in the wake of the PR nightmare that was Russell Edgington, Nan is coaching Pam through the filming of an ad touting Fangtasia and the AVL in general’s friendliness toward humans.

Pam is not into it and it shows, so Eric takes over.

While Eric is telling America that he’s a small business owner and a Vampire-American, Bill is politickin’ over at the evening ribbon-cutting for a new senior center.

Tara is Toni now.

At Merlotte’s, Sookie is reuniting with Terry, Arlene, and Lafayette. She finds out that Tara is gone. Sam is still mad at her, but he still hires her back on part-time.

Tommy is apparently recuperating under the care of Maxine.

Tara gets the news that Sookie’s back via a text from Lafayette, so she lies to her new girl, telling her that she’s got to go home because of a death in the family.

Meanwhile, Portia Bellefleur is helping Sookie track down the new buyer of the Stackhouse.

Jessica is approached by a fangbanger at Fantasia.

She shrugs him off since she’s with Hoyt. Hoyt apologizes for losing his temper earlier and so does Jessica, but then she runs off to the restroom to collect herself, where she’s confronted by Pam, who is not buying the sincerity of Hoyt and Jessica’s relationship.

Sam is in a shapeshifter support group.

Now he’s a My Little Pony.

Making good on his promise to Crystal, Jason is taking care of the urchins at Hot Shot.

And they may be urchins, but that doesn’t mean they can’t outsmart Jason, who is locked in the deep freeze. (PS: Down here, we call it a deep freeze, not an icebox.)

Witch junk.

One of the witches heads over to see the “King,” whose heavily guarded house I didn’t even recognize.

Just over at the Stackhouse, Sookie is putting on her PJs when Eric shows up.

She doesn’t understand how he can be in the house when she rescinded his invitation and that’s because he owns it. He is the mysterious buyer. And now that he owns the house, he thinks he owns Sookie, too.

Sing it with us if you know the words! “Sookie is mahn.”

About Salome G

Raised by werewolves.

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