Turn off the lights, would ya, and join me after the jump…
This week, we rejoin Jason in Hot Shot, where the urchins have tied him to a bed and Urchin Two, known as Timbo, is lit’rally licking Jason’s wound. Jason’s the first to tell ya that he appreciates all the lickin’, but he’d like to get out of there if that’s copacetic with everyone. One person who is not so cool with it is Felton, who comes roaring in with a shotgun. Being an idiot, Jason tries to be tough, but tough is hard to pull off when you’re tied to a bed and on the barrel end of a gun.
Over at the Stackhouse, Sookie is still trying to process this whole Landlord Eric situation. Eric tells her that there is little standing between her and dehydrated her once other vampires get a whiff of her sunshine in a blonde bottle essence. Then Sookie is “saucy” to him, which just means that she made a reference to the operating hours of her legs, but whatever. Eric digs it.
King Bill’s little undercover witch chippie tells him about the parrot being reanimated last week. Lord, what sentences I have to write. Anyway, Bill has to take care of this and blah blah blah, they do it. Vampire-style.
In Shreveport, Fangtasia’s parking lot is lined with Newlinites. Or morons. Idk what the politically correct term is. My princess and Hoyt are just trying to leave, but of course, they’re taunted by these ignorant cockslaps who have nothing better to do than chant facile slogans in a nightclub parking lot.
After a failed attempt at appealing to one protestor’s supposed Christianity (“I am a Christian, goddammit”), Hoyt and said protestor tussle. Pam keeps my princess from getting involved, because technology (and Russell Edgington) have taken all the fun out of being a vampire.
Having gone on a pony run (and you don’t even know the strength it took not to slip the word “horseplay” in there), Sam tries to get to know Luna, one of his forest friends, but she spooks. Just like a horse.
Sookie slips over to the king’s palace, as whatsherface is serving him in a variety of positions. Sookie is stopped by the security team, but Bill already knows she’s there. Below: STOP STARING YOU REVENANT.
Sookie is, of course, allowed in and totally by accident walks in on Bill and whatsherface. Accidentally. He didn’t plan that at all. Bill makes with the pleasantries, introducing…Katarina–Katarina, that’s her name–to Sookie as part of his “security.”
Weird that he introduces Sookie first. Where are your southern manners, Bill Compton? Anyway, Jesus and Laffy talk about magic junk. I really just wanted to point out that I also wear a blue Chinese dragon robe (I put it on with my wizard hat). Although my bedroom is decorated like EJ Bellocq’s photographs of Storyville rooms and not the Vegas hotel room thing Laffy’s got going on here.
Sookie, dressed like an elementary school teacher for some reason, went to see his excellency about her Eric problem, but Bill is, how do you say, impotent. Sook wonders momentarily how exactly Bill became the king and then that moment passes and she remembers not to give a fuck.
The show thinks you give a fuck, though, so secure your lap belt because we’re flashing back to 1982. London calling. Or alternatively, an ad for gum that uses “London Calling.” They would look the same. Punk’s not undead.
Bill, who has blindingly white teeth for a punk rock kid in 1982, makes friends with the bartender as they bitch about ol’ Maggie Thatcher. Yanno, classic 80s stuff. Cut to outside, where Bill is now drinking from his new friend. After some advice about iron pills and the B-complex–Bill is your annoying friend who loves supplements–Bill is startled by Nan, who’s curious that Bill does not kill his food. Nature is cruel, but we don’t have to be, Nan.
Nan wants to talk to him about other people who share his viewpoint. I’m guessing this is the nascent AVL. Bill thinks “mainstreaming,” living out in the open as vampires, is a pipe dream, but Nan natters on about researchers and long story short, Louis Pasteur is a Vampire-American. And that’s been part one of How Bill Became The King.
Over at Merlotte’s, Sookie tells Sam that she knows he’s mad at her and she understands, but one day she’ll tell him she went to Tampon Fairy Land and they’ll be friends again. Sam tells her that he looks forward to that. Then Sookie gets to meet Demon Baby. Arlene freaks out when Sook calls him an old soul.
Andy shows up at Hot Shot, but don’t think he’s come to rescue Jason or anything. He’s there for a V re-up. Crystal comes in, finally, but don’t think she’s there to rescue Jason or anything. She’s there to keep him quiet.
It’s a good thing Sam keeps the office with all the liquor and the safe so secure. In the kitchen, Arlene stares at Demon Baby so long she bursts a blood vessel in her eye. Then she starts hollering about how he’s rotten just like his Daddy. Terry, whose initials are TB because he’s The Best, tells him, “I am your daddy and I ain’t rotten and neither are you.”
Sookie goes home, where a momentary hallucination of Queen Mab turns into the reality of Tara being there. Which is worse? Sookie lets Tara into the house, where she discovers that Eric has replaced her microwave. Also, he’s left some blood in her refrigerator, this fridge right here that is older than Louisiana and is a totally normal thing to have.
With a “Motherfucker!” Sookie says goodbye to Tara and heads off to find our blond friend. Meanwhile, my princess wakes up to find Hoyt still nursing his injuries from the brawl outside Fangtasia. She tries to offer Hoyt her blood, but he tells her he doesn’t need “that shit.” “That shit is my blood.”
He didn’t mean it that way–he just doesn’t want to get hooked on V–but my princess heads off to “the drugstore,” ostensibly in search of Advil. What did I say about the honeymoon being over? Her accent is back, by the way. She gets to the intersection and takes the road way more traveled, the road to Shreveport.
Tara goes to see Jesus and Lafayette. Laffy attributes her new sense of well-being to the “calming influence of all that Asian pussy.” Oh, Laffy. Jesus reminds Lafayette about the “thing” they have to go to and Tara wonders if it’s a gay thing they’re rushing off to and no, Tara. It’s witch junk.
That is a problem because necromancy means they can control the dead. And who’s more dead than these dead-ass motherfuckers? Well, probably something that’s not undead. But anyway, we return to part two of How Bill Became The King. Sophie-Anne is pacing around Bill’s sitting room. She’s realized that Bill is trying to usurp her. Bill gives her a play tumble, as if he’s actually going to fight her himself, but of course, he already has his security team.
Goodbye, Sophie-Anne. Nan comes in and blah blah blah, Bill just could wait to be king. But he doesn’t. While this is going on, Sookie is at Fangtasia, trying to talk to Pam, who doesn’t understand why Sookie is bothering her with this human junk.
Sookie decides to stay unprotected. Also, unprotected is my princess, who’s just arrived at Fangtasia. She immediately locks on to that one fangbanger from last time and glamours the bejeezus out of him.
Meanwhile, Sam and his forest friends are trading stories about the most fucked up animals they shifted into and Luna shifted into her mother. This slightly heart-warming, slightly disturbing story is brought to an abrupt end when the forest friends smell another shifter on the wind. It is, of course, Tommy, who shifts into an owl, followed by Sam.
Sookie fights her way through the protestors outside, while Sam catches up to Tommy. Tommy’s mad because Sam’s been lying about being at anger management, all the while meeting with the forest friends. They don’t trust each other but Tommy wants to be brothers again and it’s real sweet for a moment in which two naked dudes talk to each other in the woods.
Eric tells Marnie that the coven can’t meet anymore. Lafayette warns her, but she tries to fight him. He starts to feed off her and Laffy is reluctant to join in the witchy chanting until Tara comes back in–she’d been outside calling her girlfriend–and is attacked by Eric, too. Marnie channels some witchy power.
Over in Hot Shot, Felton and Crystal come in the room where they’re holding Jason and start undressing, as they tell Jason that he’s going to help Crystal get pregnant. Or “propagate the bloodline,” and as one of my high school classmates pointed out on Facebook last night, what are the chances that anyone in Hot Shot knows a word like propagate? Anyway, Jason wants to know why, if Felton’s not involved in the baby-making, he’s gettin’ nekkid. Well, they want to propagate a very specific bloodline. The panther bloodline.
It’s a good thing he had that cubbyhole installed.