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“I’m Alive and on Fire,” True Blood: In Pictures

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Alright, alright, alright. I didn’t recap last week’s episode because it was a lot too rapey for me. And too terrible to talk about. But mostly too rapey. Usually I don’t mind the divergences from the book, although it would have been better if amnesiac Eric had been naked like in the books, but the change in the Hot Shot plotline from the books is just gross. In the books, the people in Hot Shot are insular and certainly different, but they are not the garbage monster stereotypes they are on the show. Anyway, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go behind the jump for this week’s hopefully less-rapey doings.

We jump in right where we left off last week, with Eric just having finished draining Claudine. He doesn’t seem to feel so good, faceplanting almost immediately. When he rises, he wants more fairy blood but sorry, baby–you drank the whole thing. He tries to drink Sookie, but she hollers, “Eric, you’ll kill me–no!” and he emos that he’d never harm her. She’s all, “You better not!” then tries to herd him toward his cubbyhole, but gets distracted when he won’t stop pinching her butt.

ERIC YOU ARE DRUNK.

Eric runs off just as the credits start. He must have seen last week’s episode. Meanwhile, at Fangtasia Bill is all mad at Pam because she claims not to know where Eric is.

And God, right now they could turn this into a bottle episode set in Fangtasia for all I care if it meant that I’d never have to see what’s coming next. But I do and the monster at the end of this book is more rapin’. This is such bullshit. I will try to get through this as quickly as one can with one hand over her eyes. Jason manages to get his current rapist to stop and as she pulls on her dirty underpants, she sobs about her “brother husband” and how during sex, he just bites the back of her neck and holds her down until he gets off. After telling Jason he was the best she ever had [YIKES], she calls out, “NEXT!” Becky, the girl urchin, is here for her turn. I cannot even believe this. Can I duck out of this scene and watch A Serbian Film, instead? Becky admits that she doesn’t want to have sex with Jason , after he tells her that her first time should be special, not a Mexican Viagra-induced rape.

I may have missed some of this scene because I was too busy embroidering that on a sampler, but the long story short is that Becky frees Jason and he manages to escape. At the King’s, Nan is PISSED that Bill sent Eric to the witches. She doesn’t think that the witches were much of a threat, unlike the Spanish massacre, which was kicked off by a witch with a real vendetta against vampires. Good thing that sort of thing isn’t happening here!

Nan asks Bill if he remembers Salem, meaning the witch trials, and how that turned out to be a case of fake witchery but why would he “remember” that? That was in 1692! Bill probably wasn’t born until ’round about…three, carry the two…1823. Wait, 1835?! We’re supposed to believe ol’ Bill Compton was frozen at age 30?

Anyway, speaking of the Spanish massacre–which, by the way, is another thing Bill couldn’t possibly remember if it happened during the Spanish Inquisition–we are there thanks to Marnie’s feverish dreams. Some religious types are burning the witch Marnie channeled when she cast that spell on Eric. As the bruja burns, she starts to chant, joined by Marnie who has Clarence Odbody-ed her way into this moment.

Alcide has come to help with the Eric roundup by wolfing out and following his scent. Sookie and Alcide have some sort of heart-to-heart blah blah blah who cares look at this:

While that’s going down, Maxine storms into Merlotte’s angry at Sam because Tommy didn’t come home the night before. Everyone is very angry this episode. Except for Sam, who is very copacetic! And also this lady behind Maxine!

Over in the nightmare dreamscape that I will never escape (come back to the five-and-dime, Maryann, Maryann), Felton wants Becky to tell “Uncle Daddy Felton” how the sex was. She’s real shifty, no pun intended, and Felton’s brain manages to wire together enough neurons to fire right and so he figures out that something’s up. He goes into the garage? shed? place where Jason had been tied up and finds that other gross old dude tied to the bed. Jason done r-u-n-n o-f-t!

Witch junk: Jesus, Lafayette, and Tara are at the witch shop trying to get Marnie to reverse the spell on Eric. They try to impress upon her the danger all the witches are in for fucking with Eric and after some hemming and hawing, Marnie agrees to try “something.” “Reveal to us your wisdom,” she intones. “Save our fuckin’ asses,” Lafayette adds. The gods: *crickets*

Wolf!Alcide leads Sookie to the lake, where Eric emerges from the water, proclaiming himself god of the sea and imploring Sookie to come play with him. He becomes unglued when he sees Alcide and the two stand there growling and posturing at one another until finally the fairy blood starts to wear off and Eric starts to burn. Sookie covers him with the blanket she’s brought and gets him to run back to the house.

Meanwhile, Jason is running through the woods, but he’s not going so fast, due to the werepanther attacks and the Mexican Viagra and all. He can hear Panther!Felton howling. Jason covers himself with dirt and keeps going.

Tommy has gone to see his real mom, who’s supposedly living by herself, having left Joe Lee of the dirty underpants Joe Lees.

Sam goes to see Luna, who is not exactly thrilled to see him. She has a daughter, Emma, who wants Sam to play Barbies with them.

While Jason is still being chased by Panther!Felton, Sookie is putting Eric to bed in his cubbyhole. He doesn’t want to go to sleep. He wants her to stay with him but she tells him she has human stuff to do.

Upstairs, Alcide thinks the whole situation is nuts. Alcide, ILU forever. Sookie doesn’t think he has a leg to stand on in this discussion since he’s living with Debbie, who tried to kill her. They’re back together, by the way. That was covered in last week’s episode, in between the rape.

Jason gets the drop on Panther!Felton literally, as he jumps out of a tree and stabs him with a sharpened stick. Crystal runs up and shifts back to human and lawd a’mighty is she happy about this turn of events. She’s going to be the big mama cat or something! Jason, on the other hand, is like, “This was a supposedly fun thing I’ll never do again–in closing, eat a bowl of fuck. Good day.”

Somewhere else in Bon Temps, Bill is meeting Portia’s grandmother, Caroline, whom you should know better as Mona from Who’s the Boss. [If you knew better, you would do better.] Andy tries to duck out, but Caroline makes him hang out and have sweet tea. He can’t have a Red Bull because it’s vulgar. I need to sit down and rest at the thought of someone having to be made to drink sweet tea.

At Luna’s, Emma is getting ready for bed and her mom is telling Sam that she wants her to grow up okay, not like other shifter kids–*cough*Tommy*cough*–who are fucked up. She also confesses that her ex is a werewolf.

Three witches and a tittybaby are having no luck finding the right reversal spell for Eric. A book falls to the floor. Hey, luck! Sort of.

Debbie looks so different with her bangs down. She can smell the shiftin’ on Alcide. He tells her about helping Sookie and since they’re living a life of “rigorous honesty,” everything seems just peachy.

Catherine is going on about genealogy, as Olds do. Andy wants to duck out because he has a “big job,” meaning V. Catherine continues her list of begots, and whoops, Bill, you’re boning one of your descendants! Grooooss.

The Best is talking to Demon Baby. Terry leaves to go take the laundry out of the dryer and we see a marker writing on the wall. When Terry returns, he sees this:

Eric is all emo about not living in the daytime. He’s about to kiss Sookie when he realizes someone’s at the door.

And it’s Bill. He wants to search the Stackhouse for Eric, but Sookie refuses to let him. She asks him when she’s ever lied to him. You know, like all of those times he lied to her. He has to know Eric is in the house, but he tells Sookie she’s right and leaves.

Hoyt and my princess find Jason, who’s collapsed on the side of the road. Jessica has him drink from her.

Joe Lee had Melinda fighting. Oh and she didn’t really leave Joe Lee, who’s turned up to force Tommy back into dog-fighting. What a surprise that Joe Lee and Melinda are fucking liars.

Witch junk. They are trying to reverse the spell. For some reason Pam is there and she is getting impatient. She finally moves to threaten Marnie and the witch throws some bad juju Pam’s way, which causes her skin to start peeling off. Marnie tells her in witchspeak to behold her true self.

Marnie then laughs evilly and passes out. Yeah, me too.

About Salome G

Raised by werewolves.

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