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I don’t want Charles in charge of me

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Look. We get it.

Every time Two and a Half Men airs, an angel executive gets his wings a bag full of dumptrucks full of money and suitcases full of cocaine. But at some point, doesn’t CBS have to consider that Charlie Sheen should go to rehab? That he should, in fact, go to ALL the rehabs? And then follow it up with some JAIL?

Like, how bad does it have to get for our pal Carlos? This dude is trying to do all the blow andfuck all the porn stars and while we sort of think he can still come back from this if he gets his shit together (We know it might be hard to believe, but Robert Downey Jr. begs to differ) CBS ain’t care.

No. All CBS is worried about is where their money machine disappeared to and for how long he will be AWOL. We tried to think of a metaphor for what this is like. But what it’s most like is watching a greedy corporation act concerned about the health and well being of an employee, when really, they are just wondering if Charlie Sheen is going to come back to make them millions and millions of dollarzzzzzz. He’ll come back, right? Right?

We love how CBS exec Nina Tassler talks about how they are concerned on “a very basic human level.” They usually operate on a much higher cyborg plane of existence and don’t concern themselves over “basic” mortal affairs such as addiction. But basically, the message is: the guy is a human and you have to respect his humanity. At least. But do you? When he’s barely even passing as human? When he’s a rage-aholic coke monster from planet SPOUZALABUSE?

We also noted that Tassler commented about how the show is still number one. Oh yeah. Can’t forget that. Just a little “Fuck you” from America. The Sopranos. The Wire. Breaking Bad. GRITTY, GROUNDBREAKING, AWARD-WINNING DRAMA. All cancelled out because every week, Two and a Half Men is like “Fart.”  And Charlie Sheen is like “AHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s a real WIFE KNEE SLAPPER!”

The AV Club ponders several scenarios that could happen to keep Two and a Half Men on the air should Sheen drop out entirely, all paths CBS seems unwilling to take. (They will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, fire him. Ever.) But one option the AV Club didn’t mention seems pretty obvious to us. Sheen’s got a famous brother. Two and a Half Men + Emilio Estevez – Chuck Estevez = Young Guns II. Just admit it. Young Guns II was WAY better. Martin Sheen can guest star. Call it Shit My Famous Dad Says. And then call it a day. Because that would be an unstoppable show that the TV-viewing public would just never stop watching.

It seems like at some point, CBS should cut their losses and try to make one of their new shitty shows happen. But their new shitty shows aren’t happing. Stop trying to make Shit My Dad Says happen, CBS. Why don’t you make some GOOD shows? “I have a better idea,” said CBS. “How about we cut out the middleman and just pay Charlie Sheen in suitcases full of cocaine?”

They are only concerned now because the public’s reaction dictates that they appear concerned. Before, they were perfectly content to let him do whatever he wanted, as long as the ratings juggernaut continued. But now, even Lindsay Lohan is concerned. So CBS was like “Um. Yes. He should go to rehab.” Their mouths are saying that, but their brains are saying “How funny is it going to be if Charlie Sheen ISN’T addicted to drugs/sex?” Would his character also reform?

Who cares? Just stick him in rehab long enough for the public to get distracted by a homeless dude with a golden radio voice. Anything to keep the Dick Joke Generator 3000 (Little known Charlie Sheen nickname we just made up right now) chugging along on a steady diet of coke-fuelled orgasms until he can’t orgasm no more. Because Sheen might be “great at his job.” But guess what? Charlie Sheen’s full time job is to be Charlie Sheen! His character on Two and a Half Men is based on his own bad-boy image and once that’s gone, it’s all gone.

And you know what? We take back what we said earlier about it maybe all being OK, so long as Charlie Sheen goes to rehab. That’s a sucker’s bet. Somehow, Charlie Sheen is both Charlie Brown AND Lucy in the classic football scenario. He sets up the football (drugs) and runs to kick it (rehab) and pulls away the football (flunking out of rehab) and falls spectacularly (trashing a hotel room in a coked-out rage while a porn star(s)/hooker(s)cowers in the bathroom). And he does it EVERY TIME, substituting new numbers of hookers and different combinations of things he ruined/location in which he ruined them because he was “doing quite a bit of coke.”

You would think it would stop being funny after awhile. And you would be right.



Please, Jon and Kate Plus Perez, don’t be idiots! Thank you!

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It pains me to have to do this immediately after a post about the inimitable Ed McMahon, but… it really can’t be avoided.

In today’s installment of Please, don’t be an idiot! Thank you!, the special feature we use to tell celebrities to shut their face holes, we bring you a special two for one deal.

But first!

Andre Braugher: The Patron Saint of Please Don't Be An Idiot. Thank You.

Andre Braugher: The Patron Saint of Please Don't Be An Idiot! Thank You!

Did you know that the phrase “Please don’t be an idiot! Thank you!” originated with TV’s Frank Pembleton? It’s true!

Homicide: Life on the Streets was The Best Damn Show On Television. And on this magnificent cop show, Frank’s partner, Tim Bayliss, was always frustrated that Frank was not more respectful of their partnership. “You never say please. You never say thank you!” he once opined. Frank stared at him for a moment before snapping “Please don’t be an idiot. Thank you.”

Well, the man who played Frank Pembleton to perfection for seven seasons on Homicide is going to be on your TV again in the fall. Andre Braugher will be playing the doctor in charge of Dr. House’s recovery in a mental institution next season on House. As far as awards and television gravitas  go, Hugh Laurie and Braugher are pretty evenly matched, so that should be some good TV.

Now! On to the main event!

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Please don’t be idiots, stars of Transformers 2! Thank you!

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We often want to tell celebrities to shut their face holes. All of their face holes, in some cases.

Oh, what? Like you haven’t wanted Spencer Pratt to just stop breathing! Our inaugural “Please don’t be an idiot! Thank you!” column will focus on the “stars” of Transformers 2. Of course, like our heroes at Mystery Science Theatre 3000, we doubt this movie “stars” anybody. More like “camera is generally pointed at.”

I would like to start out by telling Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox that nobody is coming to see Transformers 2 for the arresting dialogue between two young pretty people. Well… Megan Fox is ostensibly pretty. Jury’s out on LeBeouf. That’s actually not true. I am a liar. The jury has rendered its verdict. We find the defendant Fugly. Evidence is presented after the jump. But first…


Please die in a robot attack, thanks!

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