When good people make BAD TV Part I – CSI

A few weeks ago, I mentioned to Salome that I was watching CSI (She laughed at me) because I suspected Ted Danson would be so much better than Lawrence Fishburne.

My suspicions were correct.

Danson, though he started out doing what amounted to a Jimmy Stewart impression, has been a breath of fresh air on this stagnant show as new criminalistics boss D.B. Russell. (L.B. Jeffries = D.B. Russell. Jimmy Stewart impression case closed. You’re welcome.)

But why wouldn’t he be good? He was very, very good on Damages, still impresses on Bored to Death, and honestly just has a very good track record because who can ignore Cheers? Cheers was fucking great!

So it was with open arms that I welcomed Danson to one of my favourite dumb shows. Unfortunately, the writing on CSI took about 18 steps back. I’ve been waiting for it to pick up, but after last night’s ridiculous Jump The Shark Moment, I doubt it will.

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I’d rather be cockroach racing

I know that we all know that Ted Danson will be taking over the CSI mantle from noted pill pusher Morpheus Laurence Fishburne.

 

That is fine and dandy, Sam Malone, but you know, I just watched an episode of CSI when Grissom was still on. And I’m sorry, but you cannot hope to compete with Gil Grissom’s extraordinary awesomeness.

Gil Grissom: Pthirus Pubis.
Catherine Willows: Yeah, crabs. I am buying Lindsey a chastity belt.
Gil Grissom: There’s a… hole in the metal to let the urine pass, so theoretically, she could still get them.
Catherine Willows: You are so creepy sometimes.

 

COME BACK, GRISSOM! WE MISS U, BB!

That’s enough, CSI

I missed out on some TV because I was away for a month, but now that I’m back and caught up, WTF, CSI?

Golf? Rascal Flatts? Did this show suddenly start airing on CMT?

At least they almost electrocuted one! I like that plot!

But seriously, CSI. Cool it with the country music guest stars. I can only take so much and you are very lucky that you still employ hot guys.

The Methadone Metronome And Other TV News.

And we’re back! As Tanis mentioned, she and I had to go to NYC to take care of some top-secret business. They’ll never find THAT body!

We’ve got multiple updates coming, including at least two concerning True Blood (whose season ends next week omg omg what will I do) but first: the news!

• AOL’s TV poll is traveling across the wire with headlines concerning CSI fans’ disappointment over William Peterson leaving, which is dumb for two reasons:

  1) 37% said they wouldn’t watch when Peterson left, but 41% said it depended on how they liked Lawrence Fishburne. 41% is more than 37%.
  2) Concentrating on the CSI data ignores the far more disturbing fact that 28% of those who responded to the poll had not heard about the writers’ strike. Like, at all. You know how in News of the Weird, they have that category “People Different From Us”? Yeeeeah.




• In more questionable studies news, a mammoth study undertaken by the University of Maryland reveals that unhappy people watch more TV while happy people socialize more. In response, the world said, “Durrrrrr.” “TV is not judgmental nor difficult, so people with few social skills or resources for other activities can engage in it,” says the study. We much prefer BT patron saint Marshall McLuhan’s version: “TV will not work as background. It engages you. You have to be with it.” Or, the version by that other noted pundit, Homer J. Simpson: “Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.” The drug of the nation, y’all.




• The other drug of the nation, President-elect Barack Obama, was on 60 Minutes Sunday night, which I’m sure you know because the interview shattered ratings records for the program, gathering the highest ratings since 1999. And the upcoming POTUS and FLOTUS were totes adorable!




• Forrest Whitaker and the Sundance Channel are working on a documentary-type series examining problems in Newark, NJ and the work to overcome them. The show, titled “Brick City,” will take place over a year, to track the progress the city leaders make. I don’t have anything funny to say about this–it sounds interesting and I’ll probably watch it. If I remember–it doesn’t debut until the third quarter of next year.




• Pushing Daisies have finished shooting for the season, but it is still unknown as to whether it will get a pickup for a third season. We recommend that you send us cup pies to help the network decide.




• After ten years, the lights have gone out permanently for TRL. We assume this is the last time anyone will mention music on MTV. Play us out!

Morpheus took the red pill – and a treatise on Canadian Vs. American television promotion

(His head is pastede on, yay!)

Laurence Fishburne, who is set to join CSI next season, claims that before he was hired, he’d never seen an episode.

Now I know not everybody is like me and seeks out CSI reruns when there’s nothing else on, but COME ON, Morpheus! Are you going to tell me you’ve never flicked on a TV before? Because at any given time a television is on, it’s 50/50 you’re going to come across either a CSI rerun or a Law & Order rerun. And one cannot live on Sam Waterston alone. No, sometimes, one must inject a little “Warrick doing experiments in a wifebeater”  into one’s life.

The actor will be playing a new character that is only known so far as “The Professor,” a college lecturer and former pathologist who also possesses a chromosome also found in serial killers.

After his introduction to the series in early 2009, The Professor will join the team as a level one CSI — not as the team’s leader. His storyline will cross over with Grissom’s, who this season will face personal turmoil and reevaluate his life among the CSI ranks.

I see we’re going down the “this new guy could be a serial killer” line we once could’ve gone down with Grissom. All I can say is: SIGH. I am seriously giving this show one more season before every original cast member is on to other things. Liam the lab tech included.

****

I remember when CBS first started airing Due South. Everybody and their dog wanted to hump a mountie. Particularly mounties who looked like Paul Gross. Then CBS dumped the show after two seasons. But in an effort to prove that we love us some stereotypes, Canadian network CTV picked up the show and ran it for two more seasons with a new “Ray.” And if you are old enough to remember the “Ray Wars” of this fandom, then you have my undying sympathy. I myself am a Ray Kowalski kind of girl. Largely because the homoerotic subtext present in all buddy-cop formats rapidly became text. I mean, *SPOILER ALERT* the final episode has the two male lead characters running off together on a dogsled to have “an adventure.” CTV seemed to be on board with this. And that’s when I realized the differences between America and Canada when it came to promoting shows.

What happens in Vegas needs to hurry up and happen cuz CSI is winding down

Two words: CSI Toronto. Hear me out! Come on, Bruckheimer. You know you want to! Go North, young man.

Yeeoooooooowwwwwwwwwww! (That was my patented Roger Daltry scream to signify that the teaser is over and the real show is about to begin.)

Soooo…. Grissom is calling it quits. Yup. William Peterson will appear in ten episodes of CSI this year before he’s out for good. Well, he’ll still make guest appearances and the like. You know. Because he can’t totally cut the labcoat strings.

What we’re sayin’ is, better dust off that resume, Helgenberger.