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I don’t want Charles in charge of me

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Look. We get it.

Every time Two and a Half Men airs, an angel executive gets his wings a bag full of dumptrucks full of money and suitcases full of cocaine. But at some point, doesn’t CBS have to consider that Charlie Sheen should go to rehab? That he should, in fact, go to ALL the rehabs? And then follow it up with some JAIL?

Like, how bad does it have to get for our pal Carlos? This dude is trying to do all the blow andfuck all the porn stars and while we sort of think he can still come back from this if he gets his shit together (We know it might be hard to believe, but Robert Downey Jr. begs to differ) CBS ain’t care.

No. All CBS is worried about is where their money machine disappeared to and for how long he will be AWOL. We tried to think of a metaphor for what this is like. But what it’s most like is watching a greedy corporation act concerned about the health and well being of an employee, when really, they are just wondering if Charlie Sheen is going to come back to make them millions and millions of dollarzzzzzz. He’ll come back, right? Right?

We love how CBS exec Nina Tassler talks about how they are concerned on “a very basic human level.” They usually operate on a much higher cyborg plane of existence and don’t concern themselves over “basic” mortal affairs such as addiction. But basically, the message is: the guy is a human and you have to respect his humanity. At least. But do you? When he’s barely even passing as human? When he’s a rage-aholic coke monster from planet SPOUZALABUSE?

We also noted that Tassler commented about how the show is still number one. Oh yeah. Can’t forget that. Just a little “Fuck you” from America. The Sopranos. The Wire. Breaking Bad. GRITTY, GROUNDBREAKING, AWARD-WINNING DRAMA. All cancelled out because every week, Two and a Half Men is like “Fart.”  And Charlie Sheen is like “AHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s a real WIFE KNEE SLAPPER!”

The AV Club ponders several scenarios that could happen to keep Two and a Half Men on the air should Sheen drop out entirely, all paths CBS seems unwilling to take. (They will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, fire him. Ever.) But one option the AV Club didn’t mention seems pretty obvious to us. Sheen’s got a famous brother. Two and a Half Men + Emilio Estevez – Chuck Estevez = Young Guns II. Just admit it. Young Guns II was WAY better. Martin Sheen can guest star. Call it Shit My Famous Dad Says. And then call it a day. Because that would be an unstoppable show that the TV-viewing public would just never stop watching.

It seems like at some point, CBS should cut their losses and try to make one of their new shitty shows happen. But their new shitty shows aren’t happing. Stop trying to make Shit My Dad Says happen, CBS. Why don’t you make some GOOD shows? “I have a better idea,” said CBS. “How about we cut out the middleman and just pay Charlie Sheen in suitcases full of cocaine?”

They are only concerned now because the public’s reaction dictates that they appear concerned. Before, they were perfectly content to let him do whatever he wanted, as long as the ratings juggernaut continued. But now, even Lindsay Lohan is concerned. So CBS was like “Um. Yes. He should go to rehab.” Their mouths are saying that, but their brains are saying “How funny is it going to be if Charlie Sheen ISN’T addicted to drugs/sex?” Would his character also reform?

Who cares? Just stick him in rehab long enough for the public to get distracted by a homeless dude with a golden radio voice. Anything to keep the Dick Joke Generator 3000 (Little known Charlie Sheen nickname we just made up right now) chugging along on a steady diet of coke-fuelled orgasms until he can’t orgasm no more. Because Sheen might be “great at his job.” But guess what? Charlie Sheen’s full time job is to be Charlie Sheen! His character on Two and a Half Men is based on his own bad-boy image and once that’s gone, it’s all gone.

And you know what? We take back what we said earlier about it maybe all being OK, so long as Charlie Sheen goes to rehab. That’s a sucker’s bet. Somehow, Charlie Sheen is both Charlie Brown AND Lucy in the classic football scenario. He sets up the football (drugs) and runs to kick it (rehab) and pulls away the football (flunking out of rehab) and falls spectacularly (trashing a hotel room in a coked-out rage while a porn star(s)/hooker(s)cowers in the bathroom). And he does it EVERY TIME, substituting new numbers of hookers and different combinations of things he ruined/location in which he ruined them because he was “doing quite a bit of coke.”

You would think it would stop being funny after awhile. And you would be right.

 

Conan O’Brien: Shameless Pandering

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The easiest way to win my heart? Talk about the thing I love the most.

Oh and leading off the song with my hometown made my shriveled heart inflate at least 3 sizes.

Shepard Smith Kicking Ass And Naming Names

Via Talking Points Memo:

Fox News’ Shep Smith is continuing to hammer Republican senators who wouldn’t pass the 9/11 first responders bill, this time calling out by name those who wouldn’t appear on his show to discuss the issue.

“We called a lot of Republicans today who are in office at the moment,” he said Monday afternoon. “These are the ones who told us ‘no’: Senators Alexander, Barrasso, Cornyn, Crapo, DeMint, Enzi, Grassley, Kyl, McConnell, Sessions, Baucus, Gregg, and Inhofe. No response from Bunning, Coburn, Ensign, Graham, Hatch, and McCain.”

He also reminded viewers of what happened in New Orleans. Shep, I love you.

Now pass this damn bill.

Readers Pick TV Guide Cover Poll Winner

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Last month, for the first time in history, TV Guide allowed readers to pick (from choices including Bones, Castle, Chuck, How I Met Your Mother, Smallville and Supernatural) what show would get a cover story. After 5.5 million votes–1 million of those in the last day of voting and many coming from places outside TVG’s typical market like Canada, the United Kingdom, Brazil, Germany, France, Australia, Italy, the Philippines and Spain–there was a winner:

It’s great to see the show getting this kind of attention so congratulations, Supernatural. TV Guide, ease up on the Photoshop. I mean, yikes. And finally, here is a message from the cast members about the cover:

Glee in Gif: “They gave each other the gift of rabies.”

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Oh, Mike Chang!

We ALL want that for Christmas.

My Christmas gift to myself is that I’m not reviewing last week’s episode of Glee, which was dumb and stupid anyway. (Seriously. Kurt has to look after a canary that won’t sing because it’s moulting a new bunch of feathers to be even more fabulous at its new school? I heard you like metaphors, so I put a bird in a cage so you can vomit while you sing. One more thing and then I swear I will continue to not review that episode: Tina is convinced Mike is cheating on her with Brittany because she kissed him and he tasted like Lip Smackers, which Brittany uses. Brittany reveals to Artie that she never cheated on him with Mike. Tina doesn’t witness this, but she does make up with Mike and tells him she’s sorry she doubted him. But they never explain the Lip Smackers thing. So I am left to surmise that Mike just likes Lip Smackers. Yup. That is not lazy writing at all.)

This week was pretty good, mostly because Sue and Becky do a little How The Sue Stole Christmas routine with Becky as Max and Sue as the Grinch and Brittany as Cindy Lou Who. And Jane Lynch is actually quite a good singer.

Also, Lauren Zizes is pretty awesome. I loved her exchange with Sue about her hat and her asking Santa for Puck to be into her because he’s fine.

Also, Last Christmas is the WORST. So it is only fitting that Finn and Rachel sing it. I have literally heard every version of that song ever performed and this added nothing to it. Nothing. Kurt and Blaine’s Baby It’s Cold Outside was pretty good, The Most Wonderful Day of the Year (which you probably know as The Island of Misfit Toys) was a fitting group song for these gleetards and blessed be, they passed up a perfect opportunity for Schue to rap Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses. Or Christmas in Hollis. He’s busy being emo about Emma getting married to Dr. Uncle Jesse, the finest dentist West of the Allegheny. Whatever, you sad sack. Man up and stop moping around your students who aren’t even your students. “Oh, hai, Kurt. I just drove all the way to your private all boys school to ask you inappropriate questions like “Special friend? Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, knowwhatImean?”

Also, the Artie Walks For Christmas plot was sweet (mostly because of Brittany) and I liked Coach Bieste’s Santa (“On dry runs Santy uses the Isuzu.”) and Brittany asking Santa to make sure the gleetards don’t get slushied. (Poor Mike Chang is pretty sure they just put food colouring in slush from the parking lot.)

Also, I was a full-on club nerd in high school (I was in everything) and even I would have made fun of a show choir carolling during class.

Also, is it just me, or is Mercedes getting ZERO lines this season besides “I sure love food!” Now that Lauren Zizes is eating all the food (fat people be eatin’!) they don’t even need her for that. Yuck, Glee.

OK. That’s all I can bring myself to write about this shit show. Let’s pretend that it was cancelled and Terriers was renewed for multiple seasons instead of the other way around. OK, guys? Ready? Start pretending in 3, 2, 1…

“Glee Christmas” Preview: “Baby It’s Cold Outside”

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It’s a testament to Darren Criss’s charisma that he can make me enjoy any song, even if I’ve heard it approximately a billion times. [Ahem.] But singing one of my favorite holiday songs? That’s just perfect. Here in a preview from Tuesday’s episode is Criss and Chris Colfer with “Baby It’s Cold Outside”:

And don’t take this for granted. Two young men singing a love song to each other on TV? Unthinkable a mere two or three decades ago. Even when I was a teenager, if it had happened, it would have been accompanied with magazine covers and lots of chatter about what this all means. To see this presented matter of factly is almost as lovely as the performance itself.

Death To Canada: A Reasoned Response

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As if albino man sprite Julian Assange and his increasingly less valuable Wikileaks aren’t annoying enough, here’s the latest bombshell from a 2008 diplomatic cable:

…the level of anti-American melodrama has been given a huge boost in the current television season as a number of programs offer Canadian viewers their fill of nefarious American officials carrying out equally nefarious deeds in Canada while Canadian officials either oppose them or fall trying.

!!!

Now as I’ve mentioned before, despite the fact that the Boob focuses overwhelmingly on American television, I am, in fact, the only natural born American on staff. It’s been bad enough having to read messages like, “I just realised that I have tou go tou my neighbourhoud centre and exchange my paycheque for health care loonies. PS: Moose.” Now I find out they’ve been enjoying entertainment at my expense? BETRAYAL.

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