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I’d rather be cockroach racing

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I know that we all know that Ted Danson will be taking over the CSI mantle from noted pill pusher Morpheus Laurence Fishburne.

 

That is fine and dandy, Sam Malone, but you know, I just watched an episode of CSI when Grissom was still on. And I’m sorry, but you cannot hope to compete with Gil Grissom’s extraordinary awesomeness.

Gil Grissom: Pthirus Pubis.
Catherine Willows: Yeah, crabs. I am buying Lindsey a chastity belt.
Gil Grissom: There’s a… hole in the metal to let the urine pass, so theoretically, she could still get them.
Catherine Willows: You are so creepy sometimes.

 

COME BACK, GRISSOM! WE MISS U, BB!

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I don’t want Charles in charge of me

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Look. We get it.

Every time Two and a Half Men airs, an angel executive gets his wings a bag full of dumptrucks full of money and suitcases full of cocaine. But at some point, doesn’t CBS have to consider that Charlie Sheen should go to rehab? That he should, in fact, go to ALL the rehabs? And then follow it up with some JAIL?

Like, how bad does it have to get for our pal Carlos? This dude is trying to do all the blow andfuck all the porn stars and while we sort of think he can still come back from this if he gets his shit together (We know it might be hard to believe, but Robert Downey Jr. begs to differ) CBS ain’t care.

No. All CBS is worried about is where their money machine disappeared to and for how long he will be AWOL. We tried to think of a metaphor for what this is like. But what it’s most like is watching a greedy corporation act concerned about the health and well being of an employee, when really, they are just wondering if Charlie Sheen is going to come back to make them millions and millions of dollarzzzzzz. He’ll come back, right? Right?

We love how CBS exec Nina Tassler talks about how they are concerned on “a very basic human level.” They usually operate on a much higher cyborg plane of existence and don’t concern themselves over “basic” mortal affairs such as addiction. But basically, the message is: the guy is a human and you have to respect his humanity. At least. But do you? When he’s barely even passing as human? When he’s a rage-aholic coke monster from planet SPOUZALABUSE?

We also noted that Tassler commented about how the show is still number one. Oh yeah. Can’t forget that. Just a little “Fuck you” from America. The Sopranos. The Wire. Breaking Bad. GRITTY, GROUNDBREAKING, AWARD-WINNING DRAMA. All cancelled out because every week, Two and a Half Men is like “Fart.”  And Charlie Sheen is like “AHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s a real WIFE KNEE SLAPPER!”

The AV Club ponders several scenarios that could happen to keep Two and a Half Men on the air should Sheen drop out entirely, all paths CBS seems unwilling to take. (They will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, fire him. Ever.) But one option the AV Club didn’t mention seems pretty obvious to us. Sheen’s got a famous brother. Two and a Half Men + Emilio Estevez – Chuck Estevez = Young Guns II. Just admit it. Young Guns II was WAY better. Martin Sheen can guest star. Call it Shit My Famous Dad Says. And then call it a day. Because that would be an unstoppable show that the TV-viewing public would just never stop watching.

It seems like at some point, CBS should cut their losses and try to make one of their new shitty shows happen. But their new shitty shows aren’t happing. Stop trying to make Shit My Dad Says happen, CBS. Why don’t you make some GOOD shows? “I have a better idea,” said CBS. “How about we cut out the middleman and just pay Charlie Sheen in suitcases full of cocaine?”

They are only concerned now because the public’s reaction dictates that they appear concerned. Before, they were perfectly content to let him do whatever he wanted, as long as the ratings juggernaut continued. But now, even Lindsay Lohan is concerned. So CBS was like “Um. Yes. He should go to rehab.” Their mouths are saying that, but their brains are saying “How funny is it going to be if Charlie Sheen ISN’T addicted to drugs/sex?” Would his character also reform?

Who cares? Just stick him in rehab long enough for the public to get distracted by a homeless dude with a golden radio voice. Anything to keep the Dick Joke Generator 3000 (Little known Charlie Sheen nickname we just made up right now) chugging along on a steady diet of coke-fuelled orgasms until he can’t orgasm no more. Because Sheen might be “great at his job.” But guess what? Charlie Sheen’s full time job is to be Charlie Sheen! His character on Two and a Half Men is based on his own bad-boy image and once that’s gone, it’s all gone.

And you know what? We take back what we said earlier about it maybe all being OK, so long as Charlie Sheen goes to rehab. That’s a sucker’s bet. Somehow, Charlie Sheen is both Charlie Brown AND Lucy in the classic football scenario. He sets up the football (drugs) and runs to kick it (rehab) and pulls away the football (flunking out of rehab) and falls spectacularly (trashing a hotel room in a coked-out rage while a porn star(s)/hooker(s)cowers in the bathroom). And he does it EVERY TIME, substituting new numbers of hookers and different combinations of things he ruined/location in which he ruined them because he was “doing quite a bit of coke.”

You would think it would stop being funny after awhile. And you would be right.

 

That’ll do, McG. That’ll do.

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Let’s just face facts, guys. NBC is desperate.

Steve Carrell is leaving The Office, Alec Baldwin has announced he’ll be leaving 30 Rock when his contract’s up in 2012 and they spent a lot of money fucking around with their late-night format, the end result being that Conan left, taking the coveted 18-35-year-old demographic with him and leaving Jay Leno to snooze his way through some terrible interviews. Perhaps while tinkering with expensive antique cars.  

So what’s a last-place network to do? Greenlight a zombie/vampire police procedural, of course. Sometimes, it feels like there aren’t enough green lights in the world, you know? Because this is from McG’s production company, Wonderland. That guy. I missed him.  

This makes me think that Babylon Fields, the zombie show Amber Tamblyn was once attached to star in over at CBS (they neglected to pick it up way back in 2007) was merely ahead of its time.  

But this isn’t about CBS not forseeing the vampire/zombie crazy of the late 2000s. This is about how on the ball NBC is. You guys are so smart it’s scary. (But not as scary as zombies! Zing!) Seriously. I often sit back and just marvel at how incredibly well you know the viewing public, who are certainly not experiencing a zombie/vampire tummy ache from consuming too much zombie and vampire-related media.

I humbly await the Team Zombie/Team Vampire t-shirt craze that will surely develop when this thing hits the streets.

Ghost Whisperer goes into the light

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Well, here’s a sentence I never thought I’d be typing: CBS has cancelled Ghost Whisperer!

I’m very emo about this. Right, J.Lo.Hew?

CBS cancelled a lot of shitty shows, actually. And we’re going to take a look at those shows, but first!

Ghost Whisperer, you were a formidable opponent. You were a punchline to many a lazy humour writer who would be like “single cat ladies love watching Ghost Whisperer and eating ice cream on Friday nights, amiright?”

Yes, OK? I am single. And I have cats. And who am I to turn down ice cream? I also would sometimes watch Ghost Whisperer. But I would only enjoy making fun of how TERRIBLE it was.

But seriously. I owe this awful show a debt of gratitude. To this day, the Ghost Whisperer recap entry I wrote about the second season opener where Melinda helps her best friend Andrea cross over to the light is the most accessed post on this site. Sniff. I’m so proud!

Well show, it has been fun. So much fun. Remember when you had Professor Jay Mohr on? And then, when he left, Dr. Jamie Kennedy? And there were all those nightgowns and all that eye makeup and the terrible, terrible over-the-top musical cues (Hi, Mark Snow!) and the glycerine tears. I presume they bought them by the truckload.

So. It is with this gratitude and love that I announce my intention to recap the final episode of this television miracle. It airs Friday. Pray for me, guys! And let’s all toss in a few prayers for an eventual made for TV movie. You know, if they can find the budget for new nightgowns.

Find out what other terrible shows CBS cancelled after the jump!

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The Mentalist helps some NDNZ

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This show. Man.

There’s been a murder… on an Indian reservation.

I mean, I can’t imagine that this episode won’t be respectful to Native Americans and their traditions and customs. Can you?

The name of the episode is Aingavite Baa. Which is Shoshone for Red Water. So research, you know? They totally did some!

Can this show just be Agent Cho snorting derisively about everything Patrick Jane says and does? Can it? I can’t pretend I’m not going to watch this, but I think this show might be taking over for CSI: Miami in the unintentionally funny crime drama for me.

How I Met Your CSI: Miami Team

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ZOMG!

I think, in all the not-at-all-important moments in the history of CSI, this will be the most non-important! But also the most AWESOME!

CSI: Miami’s season premiere is all about how Horatio got his sunglasses groove on. You think I’m kidding. But I am not.

Check it out:

How you gonna leave a lizard king hanging out there, all shading his eyes from the sun like some sort of commoner?

The other reason I am excited for this episode of CSI: Miami is because if it’s a prequel-esque episode of “how they all met” then that means I don’t have to see Wolfe. But I wonder if they’ll bring Speedle back. That would be good. There was a time when this show was not the hideous joke it is now. I mean, it was, but it wasn’t AS hideous.

God, I love every cheesy minute! Especially when Horatio croons “Yeaaaaah. They’re gonna rename it seeee esssss eyyyye!” AWFUL! God, David Caruso, you are SO TERRIBLE!

So the bear says “You didn’t come here to hunt, did you?”

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So Monday’s episode of How I Met Your Mother ventured into vulgar joke telling territory. It stuck a toe into the water. And it wasn’t even a main plot point. Not really.

The episode starts with Barney telling Lily a disgusting joke. Ted and Marshall warn him that his joke is “boy funny” not “girl funny.” But of course, he tells her anyway. Only we don’t hear the punchline, just the setup, which is: “What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?” And then he tells her, but it’s all slow motion and voiceover from older Ted, explaining how bad the joke was. When the three dudes are killing themselves laughing, Lily says “Yeah, I can’t hang out with you anymore” and gets up to leave. According to Ted, they don’t see her for four weeks.

Darn it! Just when Barney needs to talk to somebody about his lurve for Robin and how it’s all going to hell because she’s banging the dude Ted hired as his assistant! Seriously, that joke was told specifically so Lily would not be around when Barney needed her to overanalyze his feelings for Robin. By the way, they’re totally not feelings! He just thinks about her all the time, misses her when she’s gone and imagines that they will one day run into each other’s arms in slow motion while he’s wearing a brown suit vest.

Lord amercy, the “Ted hires assistant” plot was dumb. I mean, Ted is essentially unemployed, yet he hires an assistant? WTW? And Barney is jealous of this dude, so he needs to find a way to stop him from hanging out in Ted and Robin’s apartment, because apparently, Robin will literally do anyone who comes in and hangs out for more than a few minutes. (OK, that’s not ridiculous. If I lived with a guy and he hired some dude to sit in my apartment all day and the guy was decent looking, I’d bang him. Hmmm… I need a roommate. A roommate who does zany things.) But this problem is essentially solved by Marshall, who has a problem of his own.

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