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Vengeance is mine, isn’t it?

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CSI: Miami – Rio

So last season, Horatio, the lizard, visits his wife’s grave and takes his sunglasses off so he might *almost* show us an emotion. I’ve blocked out a lot of “last season on CSI: Miami.” Partially because I can’t believe I watched more than one episode and partially because Calleigh Duquesne’s voice causes me to spasm most unpleasantly. Like Kramer with Mary Hart, only less funny and more painful.

Scenes of Marisol’s life and death are shown in flashes, intercut with Ruiz sneering at Horatio, “I’ll keep taking everything you love.”

Yeah? He’s pretty partial to his sunglasses. I think you should start with them.

We get some flashbacks to Marisol’s death as he walks up to a giant statue of Jesus (I think it’s Jesus.) on a cliff or something, which I can only assume is in Brazil. Because of the spectacular view and I’m betting, an even more spectacular sunse— Oh. Shit. This is going to be, like, the ultimate “Horatio poses against the sunset” shot. Isn’t it?

Apparently, Horatio comes to this spot in Brazil when he wants to relive painful memories. Like talking to Delko. In a flashback, we see Horatio staring at Marisol’s tombstone. I wonder if Horatio took care of these arrangements. Probably not, or her epitaph would read: “Loving wife of Horatio Caine and a very pretty lady indeed. She’s dead now. Isn’t she?”

Then Delko pops up, ruining the non-moment. Because, conveniently, Marisol was his sister as well. This time, it’s personal! Again! Some more!“H. It’s our move.” Delko is like a dog, slobbering to get his master’s permission to attack. “H” puts his sunglasses on because they’re going to Brazil. And also, if they’re going to lunch. Or if he’s going to the bathroom. Or if he’s feeling a little gassy. Or… this show wastes a lot of time like that. He should just leave them on all the time.

Music that sounds vaguely ethnic plays while tourists in bright clothing wander around staring at the local scenery. Split screens show us split melons. Cuz if anything says Brazil, it’s melons. If ya know what I mean. (What? You don’t like cantaloupe?) Rio is really pretty. Too bad Horatio is here uglying it up.

Delko talks to a Rio cop/prison guy who tells them Ruiz is being released because … oh, who cares? It’s incidental. Let’s say he bribed a guard. Just for fun. We see his release occurring through the handy split screen as Delko tells the man he’s making a huge mistake and the man says he’s sorry. “Not as sorry as you’re gonna be.” Ugh. What the hell? Is that supposed to be intimidation? Or is he just saying “Way to let a bad guy out of jail, ineffectual Rio Policia!” I am issuing my first ever: “Shut UP, Delko!” Ahhh. That felt good.

Ruiz walks into the sun (which overexposes everything because that’s what happens when Americans travel to foreign lands) to see Horatio starring at him across the road. Hey, why did the bad guy cross the road? Because Horatio Caine was STARING at him, okay? You’d cross the road too!

Ruiz tells him to go home and Horatio says he will, when this is over. Then, Horatio does the ol’ disappear behind a bus trick. Because he’s mystical or some shit. If I were Ruiz, I would totally file a charge of harassment. Let your flunkies and lawyers handle the menacing of the cops. Apparently, it was Jesus magicked Horatio away because now, he’s kneeling in front of the statue like an extra in Madonna’s Like a Prayer video. We’re pulling out… I can barely make it out, but… yes… Yes! There it is! Horatio puts his sunglasses on! And the Who are like “Whhhhhheeeere the fuck are we? And is that Jesus?”Yes! This is so sacrilicious! So cheesy!

Jesus is probably like: “Fuuuuuck, not this guy again! He is SO annoying! What is UP with his delivery? And why is he always right? And taking credit for things he had nothing to do with?” I can only assume Caruso is asking Jesus for the grace to go on looking constipated in the face of personal tragedy. It’s a mask. A mask of constipation.

Beach shots. City shots. People shots. Statues. This is a rapid-fire editing technique used to tell the audience they are in a foreign land where everything is different, yet eerily the same. Because otherwise, we’d never know. Horatio and Delko pose beside a fountain. I want Delko to be wearing his scuba gear in this scene. And trolling the fountain in it. How is that germane to the plot? Um, this is CSI:Miami. The plot isn’t germane to the show! So who cares why he would be in the fountain with his scuba gear on? I think it would make the show better. In fact, I think he should wear it to the office. He’d be Scuba Steve.

So the thing of this scene is, I am intensely bored because it’s mostly exposition, and yet, I’m also entertained becase Delko keeps asks questions and Horatio keeps interrupting him and answering them in a pissy tone. “I was just going to state the answer to the question you hadn’t asked and your asking it annoys me. Away with you, gnat!” Apparently, I’m not the only one who needs to bust out with a “Shut UP, Delko!” Horatio says Ruiz is probably in a Favella, or shanty town. And he knows who can tell them.

Yelina arranges some orchids. Well hell. Everybody’s got to have a hobby. That’s what I’d do if my undercover cop husband was dirty, cheated on me, faked his own death, abandoned me and our child and returned only to force me to move to a foreign country while he galavants around with drug dealers and crime bosses. I’d be like: “Honey, I’m gonna stay home and arrange some flowers, kay?” Then, I’d purse my lips, put on my best white cotton sundress and imagine running slow-mo into the arms of my creepily pale, papery-skinned, red-headed lizard-in-law while I adjust the flower arrangement. See Tin Man? You DROVE HER TO IT!

Horatio stares at her through a window and, in slow motion, she walks over to him. Seductively.

“I heard about your wife. I’m very sorry Horatio.”

Mmm hmm. I’ll just bet you are. No. Really. The sincerity is there. Behind about a billion pounds of WTF!? Isn’t this something a director would notice in the dailies?

“Hey, um, Sofia? You know your lines? Yeaaaaah… You sound like you want to say them to Horatio’s penis. Is there any way we could tone that down a little since, you know, you’re comforting him on the occasion of his wife’s death, not preparing to top him off?”

Horatio, incredibly, is not down with the breathy sex talk. He softly asks her where Ray is. Buzzkill. Yelina pouts because Horatio didn’t tell her she was pretty. She also rats her hubby out to his big brother. Laaaaame. This might have been interesting if she wasn’t all up on Horatio’s jock. But womenfolk on this show are either in Horatio’s way or on Horatio’s jock and judging by the way she’s hanging her husband out to dry, I’m pretty sure Yelina has picked sides. The winner? Jock.

She breathily tells Horatio about how Ray is always leaving her alone, going down into the Favellas with the drug dealers. With Ruiz, even! Speaking of mood killers: The spawn of Ray and Yelina skulks into the room and accuses mom of badmouthing dad. Horatio eyes Ray’s boots as Ray Jr. tells his mom not to trash his dad while flirting with his uncle. Yeah. That is kind of in bad taste, Horatio.

Yelina tells him to go to school and Horatio is all “Yeah. Go to school.” And he does. Why he listens to Horatio is beyond me. I think it might be a little more interesting if Ray Jr. didn’t like him. For one, it would be dynamic, since ol’ Tin Man isn’t long for this world and Ray Jr. could blame Horatio for his dad’s untimely demise. Two, it would make Ray Jr. some kind of malformed mutant amongst the youth population of Florida since everyone knows ALL children love Horatio because he is their protector. He will save them from the bad men who killed mommy and/or daddy. After all, what’s more reassuring than a creepy lizard-man whispering in your ear that he’ll get the bad men who killed mommy? Did I say reassuring? I meant “pee-your-pants scary.”

Great. Now I’m gonna have Horatio-themed nightmares where I’m surrounded by pale, leathery red-heads who constantly put their hands on their hips and ask rhetorical, redundant, stupid questions. I’ll wake up in a cold sweat screaming “That was a nightmare we had there! Wasn’t it?”

So Ray Jr. leaves and Horatio takes the opportunity to show me he’s now frickin’ PSYCHIC. Because there’s a leaf on the bottom of Ray’s boot, which he asks Yelina to see, apropos of NOTHING. He takes a photo of it with his camera phone.

Yes. He does.



I guess this means I can fight crime if I just invest in a new Samsung. God this is stupid. So much for precision tools and instruments used to weed through the tangled garden of injustice in Florida. Just, you know, point and click and sends it to the lab!

Speaking of the lab … cute lab guy alert! I love Brendan Fehr. He’s cute and Canadian and… why is he on this show? Other than to be the blessed milk of magnesia to my Horatio-shaped ulcers, that is. He uploads this pristine camera phone image onto his super-computer and gets to work while Wolfe comes along to pester and annoy. Or serve and protect.

He’s like a self-righteous little Horatio-in-training. Way too self-confident for his own good, cause he’s average looking at best and brand new. As an objectifier of men, it makes me sad that Dumb Delko is the only one to objectify on this show. Wither Warrick, huh? I mean, as attractive as this dude’s collection of pastel polo shirts (I can’t believe I know this, but he definitely has more than one pastel polo shirt and that is a pretty clear sign of gayness to me) and blazers are, I long for some wife-beater experiments. And don’t try to sell him as counter-culture and damn the man, either. That was Speedle’s job, man. Wolfe is a company man all the way. Except for when the company doesn’t work for him. Which is… now.

Wolfe shamelessly kisses Calleigh’s ass, cause she’s “large and in charge” and he wants her to know he doesn’t like the new girl and she should get rid of her, since she’s boss. Just then, new girl comes over with a call about a female victim in Coral Gables. It’s the chick from last year whose name I did not bother to learn then because I thought “She sucks. She won’t be around long.” I do this sometimes at work. It makes me a terrible human being, I know. But we have these kids who are copy runners and they’re very nice and helpful, but I don’t wanna get attached and form a relationship and joke around because they’ll just leave in a few months and THEN who will bring me my copy? I’ll tell you who. Somebody else whose name I do not know. Anyway, newbie here is the mole, if you will recall. Huh. I thought Anderson Cooper was the mole.

Calleigh asks what they’re waiting for and Wolfe gets all agitated. “There’s nothing that says I gotta take a trainee with me!” Yeah. There is. And it’s your BOSS. You know, the one whose ass you just had your lips suctioned to?

Buddy, you’re the new guy until the next new guy comes along and then, you’re just the second to last new guy, so quit bitching and take whatserface out into the field! God! I hate this guy! He acts like he and Calleigh are best buds, but she’s treating him, at best, like an irritating little brother who wants to tag along for fun and excitement. Calleigh flirts her way out of it, but in a way that lets him know she doesn’t need his permission to be the boss.

Coincidentally, conveniently, INCREDIBLY, the leaf smushed on the bottom of Ray’s boot, visible to the lab through one, remarkably crystal-clear camera-phone shot, has resulted in Brendan finding out everything you could possibly want to know about this particular plant. That phone is amazing.

The big revelation? It is from… brace yourself… the rain forest. Yes. That’s right. The rain forest. Delko and Horatio apparently got the news on their state of the art cell phones and are already looking for Ray. In the rain forest. Well. This shouldn’t take long. I tell you what, I taped this show. And I paused it right when they cut to this scene. I changed my trusty watch to stopwatch mode and timed it. Want to know how long their search lasts? Five. Seconds. That’s when they hear yelling. Then they apparently take a zip line over to the spot with the yelling because five seconds late, they find a little shack where there’s a dude strung up. What are the odds this ISN’T the person they’re looking for? He looks like a breast piece of barbecued chicken that got dropped under the picnic table and has leaves and grass and dirt on it.

“Big brother,” wheezes breast meat.

It’s Tin Man! Or Will “Dr. Evil” Kirby. Whoever.

After they cut breast meat down, he manages to croak out that it was Ruiz did this to him! He says his son is in danger because Ruiz has his hooks in him and begs Horatio to take care of his family. Oh, he will Ray. He will. Won’t he? Yes. Seriously. He will. He’s going to be boning your wife within a year and there’s nothing you can do about it, Tin Man! Because you’re dead!

Horatio makes a face like he’s trying really hard to fart quietly. After many seasons of careful observation, I know this is actually his “pained gut reaction to personal tragedy” face. He tells his brother’s corpse he’ll take care of everything. He stands. Hands… where else? On his hips. He goes to leave and almost as an afterthought he says “I love you.”

Like “Oh yeah. Thought you should know, corpse of my brother, I love you. Gotta go hit on your hot wife who bears an uncanny resemblance to MY dead wife.” Maybe he could have said that to his little brother before he, y’know, died.

True to creepy dead-brother-wife-stalking form, Horatio is standing by at the freakin’ MANSE where Yelina lives, as Yelina looks dazed. But not so dazed she can’t make puppy eyes at Horatio, who is walking in slow motion again. Slow-mo! It’s the universal language of Teh Sexy! Don’t worry about your husband’s death Yelina. Horatio will slowy comfort you all night long. And if that doesn’t comfort you, just stop and think about your huuuuuge, gorgeous estate here. That would keep me warm at night.

Horatio tells her Ray Sr. says Ray Jr. is in danger. But hey, that’s okay! Because she has, of course, given her son a GPS watch to track him. I do believe this part. It’s actually the only time Yelina has been believable all episode. She’s a cop whose cop husband is a druggie. Or… a reformed druggie who hangs out with drug dealers. Of course she’s going to be overly protective of her son.

The GPS watch says Ray’s in a part of town run by Ruiz. Ruiz country. How the fuck does Horatio know all this? I mean, when did he take the time to get acquainted with the parts of Rio Ruiz frequents? Perhaps the Jesus statue told him, but I doubt it. I think David Caruso deals with a different master. One a little further… south.

So Horatio and Delko go to the place Ray’s watch said he was and Ray is, of course, standing right out in the open. With Ruiz. You know. Because this sunny square is where all the drug-dealin’ cats hang with their under-age boy pals/drug mules.

Some scooter-drivin’ toughs menace the two of them with crowbars and bats. Delko hilariously swings and misses several times. I would not be the least bit surprised if we see these dudes later in a lineup, singing “We’re the local color with the coppertone skin / And you treat us like we’re guilty of some terrible sin.” Thank you so much, Steven Bochco for paving the way for this show with Cop Rock. Now Jerry Bruckheimer can confidently go forward with his vision for Horatio the hero.

Meanwhile, Ruiz and Ray leave in a tram and Ray throws his watch out the window to get rid of the Mom-tracker 5000. Delko picks it up. Because it lands right next to him. Obviously. It should be noted he picked it up with bare hands and without photographing it. Somewhere, Gil Grissom shudders.

I love how this show has abandoned all pretenses of crime scene processing. It only exists to give these morons an excuse for their guns. Remember that episode of CSI that was about Grissom not carrying a gun? That was interesting. This is like Stephen Colbert’s Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure. That is to say, complete garbage where the main character is very obviously based on the author/actor. And even more obviously, that main character is a bloated reinvention based on what the actor’s misguided opinion of himself. The difference between Colbert and Caruso is, of course, that one is a satire. Which one? I’ll let you decide.

From a blue smudge on the back of the watch, they determine that Ray has been hanging out with some rioters. They go through the motions of explaining why this matters, but all you need to know is, it smells like pepper because it’s pepper spray mixed with paint. Riot police use it to blast rioters, so they can later identify the agitators. So if they find the police action from this morning, they find Ruiz. How do they know the paint wasn’t from an earlier riot? It could have been on the watch for months! Consider my eyes rolled.

A crowd of people has gathered at the place in coral gables where Wolfe and newbie are with Catherine, who is examining the body. I refuse to call her Alexx. Because a) That name is stupid and b) she is Catherine Duke, now and forever.

Catherine tells newbie and Wolfe that the woman’s lungs collapsed and she drowned in her own blood. Wolfe gives a smirk like he knew it all along, but is just playing along for newbie’s sake. He tells her to go start collecting evidence by the murder weapon. While he kneels effectively over the body doing… his best Horatio impression? No, he’s going to talk to the husband, Carl, who has blood droplets on his shirt, which suggest he was there when his wife died because she was coughing blood mixed with her saliva. He couldn’t have found her after, like he insisted he did.

So down at the lab, he’s changed his shirt and is looking very shifty and guilty as Wolfe does the looming thing. The guy cracks under the intense pressure of the Inept Cop/Inept Cop routine of Monobrow McGee and Sheriff Buford, here. He says his wife was “flailing” but he tried to save her. That’s why his shirt was bloody. He didn’t say anything because he thought it would make him look guilty. Trying to save your wife doesn’t make you look guilty, dude, blatantly lying does. And really, if these two dorks can see through your story? You need to work on your lie.

The continue to question him while newbie meets a kid in the hallway, who is watching the proceedings. It’s dead lady’s kid. Carl here is his step father. He’s agitated because he thinks step daddy dearest killed his mom. Newbie assures him they’re on top of it, and the guys in there? They’ll get him. Now, it is pretty clear to me that she’s referring to “The dude in the room we just had a conversation about” not “nameless, faceless bad guy.” Just, you know, be forewarned. You’re going to be going “Oh, Jeez!” in about five minutes.

The great protector Wolfe is stumped by Carl sticking to his story. So he goes to visit Calleigh. Because there will always be some readily available evidence they just didn’t see before because it required some new and expensive piece of equipment not available until act two, when the writers are like “Fuck, let’s speed this along. How does the first guy become not guilty?”

Emily Proctor’s delivery here is clipped and overly precise, but strangely rushed. Like her script was missing a comma, so she didn’t pause for breath. It’s because Proctor is an android and isn’t capable of forming her own thoughts. The evidence in question has something to do with organic compounds and seperating them, but I don’t think anybody really gives a shit. This machine tells them the husband didn’t do it AND it gives them a lead on a new suspect. Dayum. Why don’t law enforcement offices throughout the world have access to this magical criminal catcher? There’s traces of paint on her clothing and Wolfe slaps himself on the head because he interviewed a painter who was found at the scene. Calleigh gives him a hero biscuit and he looks pleased with himself because, as she says “You just broke the case!” How? By getting you to do his work for him? I guess he IS just like Horatio!

So, um, I know you probably want a detailed recap of this boring scene where Wolfe is proven right, but I hate this guy and I’m not going to give him the satisfaction. The painter comes in and immediately confesses. He’s dumb. He was at the scene, he saw them take in the hubby. He should’ve made something up, like he helped her, I don’t know, get a pot off a shelf or some shit. It would’ve been his word against theirs. Criminals are stupid. I would be a smart criminal. Mainly because I wouldn’t kill anybody. I’d just steal from the rich and give to the poor. Namely, me.

So Carl is released and newbie apoligizes, saying they were just following protocol when they questioned him. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in journalism, it’s to never say you’re sorry for ANYTHING, even if you were wrong. It opens you up to potential lawsuits. It is, of course, the same story here and I can’t believe she’s so green they would have her working a murder investigation without, oh, I don’t know, having an experienced, patient supervisor (not Wolfe) go over the basics with her. Wolfe gives her shit for it. How is it even his place to discipline her? Like, with this kind of training, of course she’s going to be a pro!

She apologizes (they never learn) and is interrupted by a gun shot. Slow motion bullets. The almost silent killer. It’s the kid of course. He KNEW his step father did it and he was getting away! So he shot him. Temporarily insane probably. I hate it when that happens.

As they take him in, the kid yells at newbie that she said they’d get him, that she promised. Wolfe is all up in her grille. “Did you say that?” She’s flustered, of course, what with Carl dying. She says “The kid thought the husband did it!” Then comes the kicker from Wolfe who snarls: “Just because your husband was a bastard doesn’t mean they all are.” Holy crap! Where did that come from? She freaks as he kneels over another body for no reason whatsoever.

Horatio and Delko are in the Favella where the police action was. Firecrackers go off, startling them. Horatio tenses in “downward lizard” position. The crackers bring out the local toughs (Time for a reprise of the big song and dance routine: “We’re not criminalias, we’re just misunderstood.”)

The firecrackers also bring out a street urchin with a heart of gold. He tells the two that the toughs have made them for cops. Horatio, I can see, but Delko? Really? He just looks like your average dumb guy on the street. It took me awhile, but I recognize this kid as Jeff Licon, who you may know as Goth Kid God from Joan of Arcadia. You may not recognize him without the black lipstick and facial piercings and he’s speaking with an accent, but it’s him. I guess God works in mysterious ways. Like when He works through Bono and Billy Joe at the Superdome. (I kid. I thought it was a great performance, but seriously, were there no musicians from New Orleans available? Sheesh.)

The kids tells them Ruiz is usually there, but today, he’s waiting for collections. The kid is one of a group who packages and sells heroin for Ruiz and we get some lovely green-lit scenes of him doing just that.

Was Ruiz with a boy? Horatio wants to know. And he’s only going to ask once. Well, twice. The kid tells them he got into a car with a lady. Can he be more specific? A pretty lady. Well, then I’m sure if Horatio just stands there, she’ll come a runnin’ sooner or later. Ray and another boy left with the lady. At this point, the toughs notice the kid talking to two cops. Horatio is screaming after him and, like, way to be subtle. I’m sure he won’t pay for talking with the cops, ass!

Delko and Horatio leave to “find that boy.” So they head back the one place he’s sure not to be: Home. Going through Ray’s backpack, Yelina finds tape, carbon paper and a rubber glove with the tips cut off. Yelina wonders why anyone would cut off the tips off rubber gloves? Horatio patiently explains to the little woman that the tips are used to make drug balloons.

I roll my eyes so hard one gets stuck and I need to seek medical attention, thus interrupting my watching of this show. Not really. I wish.

Come. On. Yelina used to be a detective in Miami! I am guessing that means some familiarity with vice. This is something she would know, okay? So for one moment, there was a chance that she could have given Horatio information, but then, Horatio wouldn’t look like the smartest person in the WORLD.

Yelina is all “My son? Drugs? No! No way!” You’d know too, what with your hubby being a dirty cop and all.

Calleigh apparently monitors Delko’s cell phone activity and when it dies, she immediately phones Horatio to tell him. Hilariously, Horatio tells her he knows where to find Delko after he shuts his phone off. To Calleigh, it probably sounded like “Okay. I know where to *click*annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.”

Cut to Delko. Who looks like the biggest, slack-jawed moron you could ever hope to meet. He’s on a hill overlooking the city. Clearly, this is where he thinks Ruiz is and… surprise! He’s right, because Ruiz comes walking out in his fugly Zebu shirt.

Oh my GOD! Helicopter pad knife fight!

GOD this show is so awesomely terrible!

You think I’m kidding, but I’m not! It’s like the fucking Outsiders up in this mug! Ruiz pulls out two switchblades and flicks them open. They dance around for a little, with Ruiz swiping at Delko and Delko bobbing and weaving. Ruiz loses one knife, but keeps on swiping.

And… wait! What is this place, like, right next door to Yelinas’ manse?! It must be, because just as Ruiz is about to end my Delko problem, Ponyboy – I mean, Horatio – is holding a knife to his throat all “Be cool, Soda Pop! Be cool and tell me where my nephew is!”

They dance around and around and trade “witty” banter and Horatio does his “I am talking slowly and calmly and sexily in order to calm you down” but it only enrages Ruiz. I don’t blame him. I’m feeling pretty tense and enraged myself at this point. If only somebody would break into song. “When you’re a creep you’re a creep all the way! You’ll be a creep till your last dyin’ day!” Yelina could sing I Feel Pretty.

Ruiz says “You still don’t understand!” And attacks Horatio. Who stabs him. And says, “Don’t I? Don’t I, Antonio?”

Aaaaahhhhhhh! That is SUCH an annoying tick! He can’t even avoid it when he’s KILLING somebody! So in the sexy, slo-mo way this show likes, Ruiz dies. And Horatio stares at the now far-away statue of Jesus. Yeah, you’ll have some penance to do, H. I don’t think Jesus advocates knifing your sworn enemy, even if it IS on a helicopter pad.

Delko reads a piece of paper he finds in Ruiz’s shirt pocket and it tells them where Ruiz sent Ray Jr. I’m quite happy to see that Delko can read, but would Ruiz REALLY need to write a note to remind himself where he stashed the one thing he wanted to keep from Horatio? Doubtful.

Meanwhile, back at the lab of contrivance, newbie tells Calleigh she didn’t tell Scott anything. Except that CSI would “get him” in regards to his step father. But, see, she was Way to prove that idiot Wolfe right, newbie.

To end this painfully dull way to introduce the new character and give her a big ol’ inferiority complex, I’ll explain the next, ooooh, 15 scenes in one loooong sentence. The kid is pleading insanity because newbie put him “in a murderous state” but Calleigh finds out he stole a gun (or bought a gun, whatever) long before he knew about his mother’s death and then, for good measure, she lies to him and tells him juries tend to go easier on people who just admit they killed somebody than those who claim insanity and then have it proven they were sane so he confesses because like I said before, criminals are D-U-M dumb. So he’s arrested and newbie is spared the embarrassment of entirely fucking up her very first case.

Catherine finds Delko in the hallway and commiserates about Ruiz being let out. He says they “took care of it.” So, I’m going to assume they didn’t report Ruiz’s death to the police? Nice.

So Wolfe is now acting as lab geek for Delko, trying to crack the code on the note they found on Ruiz. Delko wants him to hurry because Ray is carrying 25 pellets of heroin and is a ticking time bomb and he and each boy with him is worth “$1 million.” Most boys aren’t worth shit, so I’m going to assume they mean the drugs. We get a little “This is your stomach. This is your stomach on a burst heroin baloon. Don’t smuggle drugs. Any questions?” lesson. Seriously. They’re like “Balloons burst, heroin enters your system, heart stops beating, kid stops living.” Thanks professor. I have every confidence in your ability to solve this puzzle now.

Luckily, it is as simple as Wolfe reading an address and asking Delko if it means anything. He pauses for a minute. I don’t blame him. This is a tough nut to crack. Then, he hits upon it! “That’s where they’re hiding the kids.” He’s a regular Encyclopedia Brown.

Cut to Horatio holding a gun on a woman at said warehouse. To be fair, she IS standing over the body of a boy. But she’s also got dark hair and is wearing a white, cotton sundress, so I bet Horatio feels a little conflicted. The boy is dead, but it’s not Ray.

She tells them she escorts the boys across customs, drops them off and returns home. Nice work if you can get it. She talks about how the kid who’s dead started to sweat, signifying his balloons bursting. So she called a number. A man came, killed the boy and took the drugs.

Understandably, this makes the other boys a little leery about the safety of their own … balloons and they take off. Delko dials the number she was given and OH MY GOD! He’s wearing gloves! This is a banner moment in CSI: Miami history! The number dials a cell phone that is, conveniently, laying in the warehouse with them. They take it to the lab of contrivance where there are, of course, epithelials all over it. Yaaaay! They process it and it must work well because ROCK! MUSIC! plays. The dude’s name is Angel DeMorte who works for Diego Somebody, who is a big time Miami dealer. So Ruiz was dealing outside his gang. They pick up Angel in hopes of bringing the other dude out of hiding.

But FIRST, we must drag this out a little further. Horatio must trade barbs with the drug king-pin. Ray calls his Mommy to tell her he’s okay. Well, he will be after he takes the mother of all shits, anyway. He says he’s doing this because if he doesn’t they’ll kills his father. Did you buy these pearl-combs for ME, O. Henry? And after I’ve cut all my lovely long hair off to sell in order to buy you this watch fob! He hangs up on her.

But she’s finally done a little detective work. Now, she knows Ray Jr. has a gun and his other friend got sick and is having surgery to remove his pellets. Fuuuuuuck, hurry up! Delko and Wolfe get the drugs from the kid’s stomach, run some tests find out what byproduct it’s cut with so they can figure out where they’re going to be sold. Aside from the fact this makes no sense, it would take a lot longer than that to do all the tests. But Delko finds a print and it belongs to Anna, the THIRD hispanic woman in a white sundress from before. The one who claimed to be chaperoning the kids. She packed the drugs too. But the money is so good! Lady, come to Calgary. You can make $15 an hour being a barista at Starbucks. The point of this scene, exactly? Who. Knows. The kid at the hospital wakes up, tells them where Ray is meeting the dude to give him the drugs.

Ray is holding his shiney new gun on the big wig drug dude and asks for his dad. The drug dude, understandably, wants the drugs first. Hilariously, Horatio slides into the scene as if he’s been standing there all along. He brought his own gun to the gun party and tells both dudes to drop their weapons. That NEVER works! Like, never! And it doesn’t work here. Horatio tells Ray about his father, which, in retrospect, was probably not the most brilliant time to break the news. Ray freaks and his gun hand gets all shakey and there’s screaming. Ray says drug dude deserves to die, but Horatio wisely tells him if he crosses that line, he can’t come back, can he?

Horatio would know, too, since he crossed the line earlier today. He actually had a knife fight on the line, stabbed a guy on the line, and then didn’t tell anybody about crossing the line and hopping back over. He’s an expert on the crossing of said lines. Just for fun, when the guy goes to shoot Ray after Ray drops his gun, Horatio crosses the line again and kills the guy, who dies in slo-mo. Ray walks over and watches Horatio stare at the body. He asks Ray if he’s okay.

“Are YOU okay?” Ray asks. Gooooood question. And great inflection. There’s a lot he conveyed in those three words. ”Are you okay? Because that was kind of crazy and you don’t seem phased at all. But you just killed a dude. And are you hitting on my mom? Is that why you keep calling me son?” Horatio, of course, just gives him a look that’s like “Shit, kid. This is the fourth body I’ve stood over sanctimoniously today! And it’s the SECOND one I killed myself!”

Later, after mother and son are reunited, Ray is all “Bye, UNCLE Horatio.” And Horatio is like “See you soon. Tomorrow morning. After I finish banging your mother!” (Except for the last part.) Yelina shares some old, Brazilian wisdom with Horatio. Something about the sadness we feel for happy memories. “Like I have for Ray and you have for Marisol.” Her lips say that. Her eyes say “I am going to fuck you through a wall, stud! Rrrrowr.” Funny how she looks like Marisol and Horatio is Ray’s brother. They’re each other’s perfect substitutes!

Horatio asks her what she’s going to do. She can’t stay in Brazil. Too much “sadness for happy memories.” But she’s not really sure what’s here for them. Horatio does though. HIM! He’s here! He’s practically FAMILY! She smiles. And walks away. Sloooooooowly. In slow motion. The language of looooooove! Slooooooow loooooove. Horatio smiles the smile of somebody who knows he will tap that sooner or later.

Good. Great. Greatness. I’m sure this eventful, bloody day won’t leave any lasting scars on any of these people that will require me to feel pity for them later.

– Recapped by Zooby


About Tanis

Badass, smokin' hot and overall nice to come home to.

2 responses »

  1. Oh god, it was perfect. This show is just ripe for the picking.

  2. It is, ISN’T IT?

    Augh! I can’t stop!


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