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Glee in picture: Furt 2X08

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So I didn’t get around to doing this last week and it kind of shows that I didn’t give a care about this episode, which is not very cleverly titled FURT. They missed the obvious KINN/KIN portmanteau/pun, but came so close to the obvious FART reality:

So this is going to be a speed recap. Ready? Here we go:

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How I Met Your CSI: Miami Team

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ZOMG!

I think, in all the not-at-all-important moments in the history of CSI, this will be the most non-important! But also the most AWESOME!

CSI: Miami’s season premiere is all about how Horatio got his sunglasses groove on. You think I’m kidding. But I am not.

Check it out:

How you gonna leave a lizard king hanging out there, all shading his eyes from the sun like some sort of commoner?

The other reason I am excited for this episode of CSI: Miami is because if it’s a prequel-esque episode of “how they all met” then that means I don’t have to see Wolfe. But I wonder if they’ll bring Speedle back. That would be good. There was a time when this show was not the hideous joke it is now. I mean, it was, but it wasn’t AS hideous.

God, I love every cheesy minute! Especially when Horatio croons “Yeaaaaah. They’re gonna rename it seeee esssss eyyyye!” AWFUL! God, David Caruso, you are SO TERRIBLE!

HBO going Savage?

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Dan Savage, sex guru, could be coming to a television near you.

dan-savage

Is America Ready for Dan Savage? (It had better be)

The Hollywood Reporter says Savage, who writes a sometimes raunchy, sometimes randy, always funny sex advice column that appears in many, many, many alternative weeklies and The A.V. club, is in talks to develop a show based on his column for HBO.

Yay! It’ll be like Deadwood is back, but Al Swearengen is a gay, middle-aged dude who takes on smarmy politicians by google bombing them so they are confused with the um, fluid results of anal sex. I can hardly contain my excitment! Savage is quoted in the article:

“I’m hoping to bring a new kind of conversation to TV about sex — an honest conversation, one that’s informed without being (too) wonky, funny without being (too) cruel, sexy without being (too) cheesy. Basically, my sex-advice column — but on the teevee!”

I don’t know if America is ready for Dan Savage’s column on TV. I am, but I’m Canadian and in Canada, our grandmas talk about sex on TV.

Taping for the show begins tomorrow. Eeeeee! Well, I’m excited!

True Blood — We got a timebomb, we got a red alert

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You might be wondering why we don’t have a recap of Sunday’s episode of True Blood up for y’all to read. The answer to that is simple.

It’s because Salome’s head a’sploded when she saw what a huge mess Tara and Eggs made of Gran’s tablecloth when they devoured Maryann’s Souffle au Coeur du Daphne.

Just kidding. Although seriously. Miss Manners suggests that when you eat “hunter’s stew” you should not drip on the table cloth that belonged to the murdered grandmother of your new roommate. She also frowns on letting Maenads into the home in general.

The real reason there’s no recap is that Salome is protesting the ridiculous plot that will not die. AKA, Maryann the Maenad loves orgies. But I couldn’t let it go without commenting that while I think the series has been doing a really good job of adapting Charlaine Harris’ books (in that they have dropped certain stupid plots — like the death of Lafayette — and brought in new ones — Jessica and Hoyt who are still cute, even when discussing the regrowth of a virginal vampire hymen every time they break it) this is just ridiculous.

I thought the plot of Sookie going to the church with a human spy was dumb in the books (Srsly. She doesn’t read his mind for like… a really long time) and it’s dumb here, too, but that’s OK, because it only lasted one episode. The Maenad plot, however, felt long and drawn out (and ended abruptly) in the books and it feels long and drawn out here. And we don’t even get to witness Eric in a body-hugging pink leotard. Sad face is sad now!

But I did like Eric’s fakeout “aw shucks” America accent. And Alexander Skarsgard has chemistry with EVERYBODY. A theory I would like to test out in person. Yum!

I just don’t care about the Maenad! Or Tara or Eggs. And I didn’t care about Daphne either, so I guess it’s no biggie that she got her heart cut out. All I can think is that I want this plot to END. Yeah! We get it! Maryanne feeds off sex and violence. Great. Moving on! Oh, no. There’s more? Why is there more? Maybe they’ll end it much better than the books did. Maybe the way they’re planning on ending it requires that they show us, like, eight or nine orgies. I don’t know. But I’m done.

I can’t believe they let Lafayette live in the series (in the books, it’s his death that prompts Sookie’s involvement with the Maenad plot) 0nly to have him hang around doing stupid shit like read Tara’s fortune. It’s a little silly in the books that Sookie is involved with all these plotlines. In the second book, she goes to Dallas to infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun AND solves the mystery behind Lafayette’s death. So I can understand why the series is taking her out of the Maenad plot, but I wonder why then, they expanded on that story. Why does Sam have to go to jail, why does Tara get slapped around, why must we all suffer?

I’m going to have to have Godric put a stop to all this stuff! I like him. The line of the night went to him with “I am actually older than your Jesus. I wish I could have met him, but I missed it.” Haha! He was too busy tearing the throats out of Romans to pay a visit to Bethlehem! Let’s all take a moment and reflect on what would’ve happened if Godric HAD met Jesus. OK. Now that you’re all thinking of vampire Jesus . . .

I’m looking forward to everybody figuring out what Godric was up to at the FotS and I wonder what good ol’ Lorena has planned for Bill. Something boring, probably. Lord, he is such a huge stick in the mud! But I’d watch him for the next four weeks if it meant I didn’t have to watch Maryann anymore!

Futurama Fans tell Fox to bite their shiny metal ass

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Futurama
Fry: But I know you in the future. I cleaned your poop.
Nibbler: Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers.

Fox is full of celebrated poopers. The network has ruined more things I like than I care to mention and by now, I should have recognized their schtick: Cancel a cartoon. Wait a few years. Bring it back to applause from fanboys everywhere.

That worked with stupid Seth MacFarlane’s Stupid Family Guy. Apparently, he has naked pictures of a Fox executive and a farm animal, because not only did they bring the mediocre and unfunny Family Guy back on the air, they gave him ANOTHER show.

I didn’t think it was possible, but American Dad is somehow even less funny than Family Guy. And then, because apparently MacFarlane has never heard of the law of diminishing returns, he decided to pull those naked pictures out again so Fox would let him make The Cleveland Show, a Family Guy spin-off that takes all the long, unfunny jokes from Family Guy, draws them out even longer and adds some more blatant racism. But it’s not, cuz Cleveland’s black! Get it?! If so, could you explain it to me? Because I don’t.

But I digress. Last month, it was revealed that Fox would SORT OF bring back Futurama, Matt Groening’s hilarious-but-cancelled animated show about a normal, 20th Century slacker who is cryogenically frozen and wakes up 1,000 years in the future in the city of New New York. He ends up working for his great nephew (who is, of course, ancient) and having space adventures with a foul-mouthed boor of a robot, a beautiful one-eyed pilot, a lobster-esque alien doctor and the rest of the employees at an intergalactic space delivery company.

The show was cancelled in 2002 after four seasons on Fox. Four direct-to-DVD features were successful enough that the show was set to head back into full production this year on Comedy Central, which placed an order for 26 new episodes.

BUT WAIT!

Fox, in its infinite wisdom, is not bringing back Futurama as you know it.  Because of a pay dispute, Fox is recasting most of the main characters. I guess they think these actors are replaceable and that you will not notice when Bender, Fry, Leela, Dr. Zoiberg, Professor Farnsworth, Mom, Kif Kroker and Zapp Brannigan start talking with different voices. Fox is looking to replace Billy West (Fry, Farnsworth, Brannigan and Zoidberg) John DiMaggio (Bender), Katey Sagal (Leela), Tress MacNeille (Mom) and Maurice LaMarche (Kif).

They did not likely anticipate the entire nerdy population of the Internet rising up this morning threatening to hold our collective breath until Fox fixes their mistake. There’s a facebook group that is providing addresses of Fox casting directors so disgruntled fans such as yourselves can send demanding, angry emails.

And who are we to not offer the same? If you are pissed off and want to vent, why not email this guy: futurama@scottmullercasting.com and this guy: steve.albani@comedycentral.com and let them know that you won’t watch Futurama with new actors.

You can also sign an online petition to keep the original voice actors.

Will this change anything? Who knows. All I know is, I love Futurama. It has made me laugh and cry (The episode with Fry’s dog is seriously one of the saddest episodes of television I have ever seen) and I was happy to hear it was coming back. But it is decidedly not smart to bring back a show beloved by legions of Internet nerdz without the things that made it great in the first place. I mean, you can do it, but you have to expect a wave of irritated anger from people with a lot of time on their hands.

Please, Jon and Kate Plus Perez, don’t be idiots! Thank you!

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It pains me to have to do this immediately after a post about the inimitable Ed McMahon, but… it really can’t be avoided.

In today’s installment of Please, don’t be an idiot! Thank you!, the special feature we use to tell celebrities to shut their face holes, we bring you a special two for one deal.

But first!

Andre Braugher: The Patron Saint of Please Don't Be An Idiot. Thank You.

Andre Braugher: The Patron Saint of Please Don't Be An Idiot! Thank You!

Did you know that the phrase “Please don’t be an idiot! Thank you!” originated with TV’s Frank Pembleton? It’s true!

Homicide: Life on the Streets was The Best Damn Show On Television. And on this magnificent cop show, Frank’s partner, Tim Bayliss, was always frustrated that Frank was not more respectful of their partnership. “You never say please. You never say thank you!” he once opined. Frank stared at him for a moment before snapping “Please don’t be an idiot. Thank you.”

Well, the man who played Frank Pembleton to perfection for seven seasons on Homicide is going to be on your TV again in the fall. Andre Braugher will be playing the doctor in charge of Dr. House’s recovery in a mental institution next season on House. As far as awards and television gravitas¬† go, Hugh Laurie and Braugher are pretty evenly matched, so that should be some good TV.

Now! On to the main event!

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Please don’t be idiots, stars of Transformers 2! Thank you!

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We often want to tell celebrities to shut their face holes. All of their face holes, in some cases.

Oh, what? Like you haven’t wanted Spencer Pratt to just stop breathing! Our inaugural “Please don’t be an idiot! Thank you!” column will focus on the “stars” of Transformers 2. Of course, like our heroes at Mystery Science Theatre 3000, we doubt this movie “stars” anybody. More like “camera is generally pointed at.”

I would like to start out by telling Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox that nobody is coming to see Transformers 2 for the arresting dialogue between two young pretty people. Well… Megan Fox is ostensibly pretty. Jury’s out on LeBeouf. That’s actually not true. I am a liar. The jury has rendered its verdict. We find the defendant Fugly. Evidence is presented after the jump. But first…

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Please die in a robot attack, thanks!

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