So I didn’t get around to doing this last week and it kind of shows that I didn’t give a care about this episode, which is not very cleverly titled FURT. They missed the obvious KINN/KIN portmanteau/pun, but came so close to the obvious FART reality:
So this is going to be a speed recap. Ready? Here we go:
ZOMG!
I think, in all the not-at-all-important moments in the history of CSI, this will be the most non-important! But also the most AWESOME!
CSI: Miami’s season premiere is all about how Horatio got his sunglasses groove on. You think I’m kidding. But I am not.
Check it out:
How you gonna leave a lizard king hanging out there, all shading his eyes from the sun like some sort of commoner?
The other reason I am excited for this episode of CSI: Miami is because if it’s a prequel-esque episode of “how they all met” then that means I don’t have to see Wolfe. But I wonder if they’ll bring Speedle back. That would be good. There was a time when this show was not the hideous joke it is now. I mean, it was, but it wasn’t AS hideous.
God, I love every cheesy minute! Especially when Horatio croons “Yeaaaaah. They’re gonna rename it seeee esssss eyyyye!” AWFUL! God, David Caruso, you are SO TERRIBLE!
Dan Savage, sex guru, could be coming to a television near you.
Is America Ready for Dan Savage? (It had better be)
The Hollywood Reporter says Savage, who writes a sometimes raunchy, sometimes randy, always funny sex advice column that appears in many, many, many alternative weeklies and The A.V. club, is in talks to develop a show based on his column for HBO.
Yay! It’ll be like Deadwood is back, but Al Swearengen is a gay, middle-aged dude who takes on smarmy politicians by google bombing them so they are confused with the um, fluid results of anal sex. I can hardly contain my excitment! Savage is quoted in the article:
“I’m hoping to bring a new kind of conversation to TV about sex — an honest conversation, one that’s informed without being (too) wonky, funny without being (too) cruel, sexy without being (too) cheesy. Basically, my sex-advice column — but on the teevee!”
I don’t know if America is ready for Dan Savage’s column on TV. I am, but I’m Canadian and in Canada, our grandmas talk about sex on TV.
Taping for the show begins tomorrow. Eeeeee! Well, I’m excited!
You might be wondering why we don’t have a recap of Sunday’s episode of True Blood up for y’all to read. The answer to that is simple.
It’s because Salome’s head a’sploded when she saw what a huge mess Tara and Eggs made of Gran’s tablecloth when they devoured Maryann’s Souffle au Coeur du Daphne.
Just kidding. Although seriously. Miss Manners suggests that when you eat “hunter’s stew” you should not drip on the table cloth that belonged to the murdered grandmother of your new roommate. She also frowns on letting Maenads into the home in general.
The real reason there’s no recap is that Salome is protesting the ridiculous plot that will not die. AKA, Maryann the Maenad loves orgies. But I couldn’t let it go without commenting that while I think the series has been doing a really good job of adapting Charlaine Harris’ books (in that they have dropped certain stupid plots — like the death of Lafayette — and brought in new ones — Jessica and Hoyt who are still cute, even when discussing the regrowth of a virginal vampire hymen every time they break it) this is just ridiculous.
I thought the plot of Sookie going to the church with a human spy was dumb in the books (Srsly. She doesn’t read his mind for like… a really long time) and it’s dumb here, too, but that’s OK, because it only lasted one episode. The Maenad plot, however, felt long and drawn out (and ended abruptly) in the books and it feels long and drawn out here. And we don’t even get to witness Eric in a body-hugging pink leotard. Sad face is sad now!
But I did like Eric’s fakeout “aw shucks” America accent. And Alexander Skarsgard has chemistry with EVERYBODY. A theory I would like to test out in person. Yum!
I just don’t care about the Maenad! Or Tara or Eggs. And I didn’t care about Daphne either, so I guess it’s no biggie that she got her heart cut out. All I can think is that I want this plot to END. Yeah! We get it! Maryanne feeds off sex and violence. Great. Moving on! Oh, no. There’s more? Why is there more? Maybe they’ll end it much better than the books did. Maybe the way they’re planning on ending it requires that they show us, like, eight or nine orgies. I don’t know. But I’m done.
I can’t believe they let Lafayette live in the series (in the books, it’s his death that prompts Sookie’s involvement with the Maenad plot) 0nly to have him hang around doing stupid shit like read Tara’s fortune. It’s a little silly in the books that Sookie is involved with all these plotlines. In the second book, she goes to Dallas to infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun AND solves the mystery behind Lafayette’s death. So I can understand why the series is taking her out of the Maenad plot, but I wonder why then, they expanded on that story. Why does Sam have to go to jail, why does Tara get slapped around, why must we all suffer?
I’m going to have to have Godric put a stop to all this stuff! I like him. The line of the night went to him with “I am actually older than your Jesus. I wish I could have met him, but I missed it.” Haha! He was too busy tearing the throats out of Romans to pay a visit to Bethlehem! Let’s all take a moment and reflect on what would’ve happened if Godric HAD met Jesus. OK. Now that you’re all thinking of vampire Jesus . . .
I’m looking forward to everybody figuring out what Godric was up to at the FotS and I wonder what good ol’ Lorena has planned for Bill. Something boring, probably. Lord, he is such a huge stick in the mud! But I’d watch him for the next four weeks if it meant I didn’t have to watch Maryann anymore!
- Fry: But I know you in the future. I cleaned your poop.
- Nibbler: Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers.
Fox is full of celebrated poopers. The network has ruined more things I like than I care to mention and by now, I should have recognized their schtick: Cancel a cartoon. Wait a few years. Bring it back to applause from fanboys everywhere.
That worked with stupid Seth MacFarlane’s Stupid Family Guy. Apparently, he has naked pictures of a Fox executive and a farm animal, because not only did they bring the mediocre and unfunny Family Guy back on the air, they gave him ANOTHER show.
I didn’t think it was possible, but American Dad is somehow even less funny than Family Guy. And then, because apparently MacFarlane has never heard of the law of diminishing returns, he decided to pull those naked pictures out again so Fox would let him make The Cleveland Show, a Family Guy spin-off that takes all the long, unfunny jokes from Family Guy, draws them out even longer and adds some more blatant racism. But it’s not, cuz Cleveland’s black! Get it?! If so, could you explain it to me? Because I don’t.
But I digress. Last month, it was revealed that Fox would SORT OF bring back Futurama, Matt Groening’s hilarious-but-cancelled animated show about a normal, 20th Century slacker who is cryogenically frozen and wakes up 1,000 years in the future in the city of New New York. He ends up working for his great nephew (who is, of course, ancient) and having space adventures with a foul-mouthed boor of a robot, a beautiful one-eyed pilot, a lobster-esque alien doctor and the rest of the employees at an intergalactic space delivery company.
The show was cancelled in 2002 after four seasons on Fox. Four direct-to-DVD features were successful enough that the show was set to head back into full production this year on Comedy Central, which placed an order for 26 new episodes.
BUT WAIT!
Fox, in its infinite wisdom, is not bringing back Futurama as you know it. Because of a pay dispute, Fox is recasting most of the main characters. I guess they think these actors are replaceable and that you will not notice when Bender, Fry, Leela, Dr. Zoiberg, Professor Farnsworth, Mom, Kif Kroker and Zapp Brannigan start talking with different voices. Fox is looking to replace Billy West (Fry, Farnsworth, Brannigan and Zoidberg) John DiMaggio (Bender), Katey Sagal (Leela), Tress MacNeille (Mom) and Maurice LaMarche (Kif).
They did not likely anticipate the entire nerdy population of the Internet rising up this morning threatening to hold our collective breath until Fox fixes their mistake. There’s a facebook group that is providing addresses of Fox casting directors so disgruntled fans such as yourselves can send demanding, angry emails.
And who are we to not offer the same? If you are pissed off and want to vent, why not email this guy: futurama@scottmullercasting.com and this guy: steve.albani@comedycentral.com and let them know that you won’t watch Futurama with new actors.
You can also sign an online petition to keep the original voice actors.
Will this change anything? Who knows. All I know is, I love Futurama. It has made me laugh and cry (The episode with Fry’s dog is seriously one of the saddest episodes of television I have ever seen) and I was happy to hear it was coming back. But it is decidedly not smart to bring back a show beloved by legions of Internet nerdz without the things that made it great in the first place. I mean, you can do it, but you have to expect a wave of irritated anger from people with a lot of time on their hands.
It pains me to have to do this immediately after a post about the inimitable Ed McMahon, but… it really can’t be avoided.
In today’s installment of Please, don’t be an idiot! Thank you!, the special feature we use to tell celebrities to shut their face holes, we bring you a special two for one deal.
But first!
Andre Braugher: The Patron Saint of Please Don't Be An Idiot! Thank You!
Did you know that the phrase “Please don’t be an idiot! Thank you!” originated with TV’s Frank Pembleton? It’s true!
Homicide: Life on the Streets was The Best Damn Show On Television. And on this magnificent cop show, Frank’s partner, Tim Bayliss, was always frustrated that Frank was not more respectful of their partnership. “You never say please. You never say thank you!” he once opined. Frank stared at him for a moment before snapping “Please don’t be an idiot. Thank you.”
Well, the man who played Frank Pembleton to perfection for seven seasons on Homicide is going to be on your TV again in the fall. Andre Braugher will be playing the doctor in charge of Dr. House’s recovery in a mental institution next season on House. As far as awards and television gravitas go, Hugh Laurie and Braugher are pretty evenly matched, so that should be some good TV.
Now! On to the main event!
We often want to tell celebrities to shut their face holes. All of their face holes, in some cases.
Oh, what? Like you haven’t wanted Spencer Pratt to just stop breathing! Our inaugural “Please don’t be an idiot! Thank you!” column will focus on the “stars” of Transformers 2. Of course, like our heroes at Mystery Science Theatre 3000, we doubt this movie “stars” anybody. More like “camera is generally pointed at.”
I would like to start out by telling Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox that nobody is coming to see Transformers 2 for the arresting dialogue between two young pretty people. Well… Megan Fox is ostensibly pretty. Jury’s out on LeBeouf. That’s actually not true. I am a liar. The jury has rendered its verdict. We find the defendant Fugly. Evidence is presented after the jump. But first…
Please die in a robot attack, thanks!
When the Mean Girls go to a slam-bang action adventure movie for the hot dudes, they are also hoping to see a bunch of trailers for movies they will like. Instead, they are presented with a bunch of crap that rapes their childhood.
Jess and I like getting to the theatre in time to see the previews. It irks me, though, that I have to sit through 80 commercials first. Like, I already have a coke, coke ad. I don’t see your ad and think “Gee, I should get up and go get a coke.” I bought a coke. At the convenience store across the street. Because the movie theatre charges me $8 for a vat of soda. Why? Who knows. It is presumably the same soda that McDonald’s is now charging just a dollar for. So I don’t really know. Maybe this combination of syrup and carbonation has some gold leaf in it? Whatever. Stop trying to sell me shit, movie theatres. I can’t afford shit because I am at your movie. It bankrupts me. I also don’t want to buy a new phone or a new car or join the Canadian Armed Forces. Trust me, if I ever get that urge, I’ll wait a minute until it passes. But I probably won’t, especially not just because I saw an ad for it at the cineplex before Star Trek. Maybe if Captain Christopher Pike showed up and bought me a drink and DARED ME TO DO BETTER, maybe then I’d enlist. But not because of your ad. So just show me the previews for movies that I won’t see and GET ON WITH IT.
Speaking of getting on with it… The trailers we saw, let us show you them.
G.I. Joe
What? How is this even a thing? Who is even in this movie? Oh. Dennis Quaid? And Christopher Eccleston? And Joseph Gordon-Levitt? WHAT!? WHY?! We didn’t even know what movie this trailer was for until half-way through it. Apparently, G.I.’s are really, really Joe. At least without their super suits they are. What are G.I. Joe’s good for other than making out with Jem? Nothing. Memo to studio executives: We would watch a live-action version of Jem. That would be truly outrageous. Get to work.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
This is actually far less than meets the eye. For starters, we are tired of people putting Shia LeBouef in things. He is not hot, he is not very good and he is not enough – not NEARLY enough – to make us want to see a movie about talking robot cars who fight with talking robot guns. Or whatever. He’s just not sexy. And we can’t imagine having sexy robot-fighting adventures with him! No! So go away! Try again! Come back when you have a hotter dude! Also, Transformers is inherently stupid. Here’s why: Megatron and Optimus Prime are the same size, but Megatron changes into a gun and Optimus Prime changes into a truck. MAKE SENSE PLEASE, CARTOONS AND MOVIES BASED ON CARTOONS! This movie appeals to nostalgic dudes who enjoyed playing with Transformers, liked the cartoon movie (apparently, this was a thing. And Orson Welles was in it. Well, everybody makes mistakes) and are willing to part with their hard earned dollars to watch Michael Bay blow shit up real good. If you are going to do that, FINE. But you know what? Add a little something for the ladies. And no, not Josh Duhamel. Not good enough. Try harder, Hollywood.
Astro Boy
Ugh. Well, at least it’s not live action. That’s about all we care to say about that. Except that we can’t wait for Little Wonder: The Movie! Just kidding. We totally can. And Bill Nighy! He’s in everything! He’s the British Christopher Walken!
Land of the Lost
Will Ferrell does his schtick, Danny McBride does his schtick. CGI dinosaurs. Sleestaks. And Chuck from Pushing Daisies! OK, so it has that going for it. We miss that show! And ABC is FINALLY airing the last episodes, so you should watch them. Saturdays on ABC. You should not go see Land of the Lost. This type of thing only encourages Will Ferrell.
So those were the trailers we saw. Yeah. No. After the jump, find out what TOTALLY AWESOME trailers we would have liked to see instead.
Never before have two mean girls been faced with such a stunning array of options for moviegoing entertainment. Jess and Tanis made the pilgrimage to the movie theatre in the middle of nowhere and were faced with a tough decision: Do they see a movie with hot dudes a plenty (in space), the Goddamn Batman yelling and saving mankind from killing robots (again), or Robert “Get me to a library!” Langdon with a side of Ewan “Father Hotpants” McGregor.
It was a tough call, but hot dudes doin’ stuff won out. Again. This time, they’re in space! And Iowa. Please, read on for a brief discussion of the movie and other things like our assessment of people who think Angels & Demons is good.
Ah, Canada jokes. I dearly love them. Go ahead, dish it out, rest of the world. We have a great sense of humour and can totally take it. And as I have said before, it is funnier when you are extremely specific in your humour.
So I was overjoyed when a friend who lives in Texas alerted me that Guelph, my very Canadian city, had been featured on what I believe is the final episode of the animated Fox show, King of the Hill.
Mushmouthed redneck Boomhauer (whose first name, it was finally revealed, is Jeff) participates in a house swap with a Canadian family — Gordon, Maureen and Ollie Hoskins — who move to Arlen, Texas to stay in his home while he goes to Guelph to experience all of southern Ontario’s charms. He grows a beard, enjoys some Coffee Crisp (worst Canadian candy bar ever), goes canoeing and falls in love with a French Canadian girl named Suzette.
The Canadians, it turns out, are even more rigid than Hank Hill, who cannot stand their pompous airs and stuffy attitude. Chesterfield. I don’t know anybody who says chesterfield. My Grams said Chesterfield.
There are a few people who seem upset that the Canadians were portrayed in such an unlikeable manner. They were insufferable, rude, condescending and passive agressive. Gordon (voiced by Canadian comic Colin Mochrie) would rather drink Slewback beer (one assumes this is a parody of Guelph’s more than 150-year-old Sleeman Brewery), watch Canadian Football (more exciting, eh?) and – horror of horrors! – read the newspaper than hang out with his temporary neighbours. Or neighbors, if you want to get pedantic. But I’m writing this in Canada, so I’ll keep the u’s where they belong. They also complain about the petro chemicals in the synthetic fabrics and call the cops on the party Hank is throwing. Now there’s where they get it wrong. Hosers NEVER break up a party where there’s beer, even if said beer is like having sex in a canoe — fucking close to water.
Anyway, the Canadians were pretty irredeemable and I recognized some familiar sentiments in them. I think many Canadians presume that their cousins to the south are stupid, self-involved jerks who are all wasteful, borderline racists or worse. Of course this isn’t true of every American, just as it isn’t false that there’s sometimes a sense of arrogance, disdain and snobbishness from our side of the border.
But let’s calm ourselves. Because I think we can all agree that the metric system is better. Quoth Bobby:
But Dad! Canada’s metric system makes so much more sense! A yard, a foot, an ounce. That’s so random! Why not measure things in squirts and dog’s tails?
Exactly.
Boob Tube 