J.Lo.Hew., can we talk? It’s about your ass.

You know, we KNEW there was something hinky going on when we agreed with Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Turns out, it’s totally OK to be photographed for the celebrity magazines, so long as they let you pose on your terms and turn your newly tricked out skinny body to the right angle so it looks even skinnier.

We’re hurt, J.Lo.Hew. And not just because part of the reason we watch Ghost Whisperer is to see what ridiculous costumes and nightgowns they’re going to swaddle your backside in week to week and now, it appears there’ll be less of it to swaddle. No, we’re hurt because for awhile there, it seemed like you were really reaching out to us, the common, normal women.

We really felt we knew you a little bit. With your bra commercials where you’re like “Dag. These bra straps are uncomfortable! Because I’ve got this huge rack and it can be annoying sometimes!” and your facial washing system commercial where you’re like “Celebrities get zits too! LOL!” and your “MAH BODY’S NOBODY’S BODY BUT MINE!” rage of righteous indignation you let loose with after the paps photographed you in an unflattering bathing suit during your post-engagement beach frolic.

Now, we well know the desire to lose weight when you see an awful beach photo of yourself. We cannot imagine that blown up to a billion and sold on newstands across North America and then ogled for free on the Internets. So go hard! Diet, exercise, lose the weight. Good for you! But once you’ve got the body you’re happy with, isn’t it fine to just be happy? Did you really have to wiggle your way onto the cover of US and flaunt it? Like, trust us, we’ll be watching Ghost Whisperer again this season, against every grain of better judgement we have. Why? Because. We evidently hate ourselves. But we digress. Our point is, we would have noticed that you lost weight. We don’t need you to patronize us with your diet plan and workouts. Because we already know the amazing way to lose weight is to eat well and exercise, thanks. What’s that? You mean we can’t eat this pint of Ben & Jerry’s and sit on the couch and guzzle Wild Turkey from the bottle (Ghost Whisperer-approved snacks) and expect to lose weight? Durp-de-durp! Silly us. Thanks for setting us on the straight and narrow, J.Lo.Hew.

Phew. That feels better. Now that we’re back to hating you, balance has been restored to the universe.

 

Golden Moments: “Deaths-Head Revisited,” The Twilight Zone

It seems odd to call anything about this episode “golden,” as the entirety of the plot is related to the Holocaust. However, we use golden in the sense that a clip or scene or episode is exemplary and this, one of my favorite episodes of TTZ, is. Although on the surface it’s about the Holocaust, Serling almost certainly meant it as an indictment of all human cruelty, as his closing monologue seems to imply. I quoted a snippet of the closing when I wrote about my visit to the ruins of the World Trade Center because it is the same kind of thing–another link in the chain of human cruelty. This is an idea repeated in many works of art, from “Sympathy For the Devil,” in which the protagonist lists the litany of horrible scenes he oversaw to John Donne, who reminds us that we’re all connected. And this time, the bell’s tolling in The Twilight Zone.

 

Criminal Minds Fall News

The other day, Tanis and I were talking about how Criminal Minds has managed to take elements of other shows in the crime/police/scary stuff genre, like Without A Trace, CSI, and Law and Order: SVU and turn it into something way more watchable. Like, they have had interesting guest actors without it being all dun dun DUUUUN!!! stuntcasting. This upcoming fall, they’ll have Jason Alexander playing a man who shows up at the BAU and confesses to killing, but neglects to mention who his victim or victims are. So, the team will have to pull off a reverse profile. That episode should air during November Sweeps, a month after Wil Wheaton guests on the show. Whee!

In other CM fall news, there is that pressing whogotit, as in, who done got blowed up? When we last saw the team, there was that mystery explosion at the end of the season finale. So who do you think it targeted? I see from my lurking around the web that many people seem to think that either no one got hurt or it was JJ. I would hate for it to be the latter, although I do wish they’d blow up her relationship storyline.

 

Thank You For Being A Friend.

(Yes, this is probably the millionth time that phrase has been used in regard to this story, but there hardly seems a phrase more apropos.)

Estelle Getty, fare thee well.

 

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog - Because the status is NOT quo!

The big-screen villain everybody is talking about this weekend is Heath Ledger’s twisted, sadistic psychopath, The Joker. (As well they should be. Posthumous Oscar talk is not unwarranted in this blog’s opinion.) However, when you’re done marvelling at the performances in The Dark Knight and you need to lighten the mood before you go to bed to face your clown-themed nightmares, give a villain with a smaller screen prescence a chance.

As part of our “stuff I wish was on TV” feature, this sort of takes the marble slab cake.

Visit www.drhorrible.com and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer creator Joss Whedon’s three-part web novella, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. All you really need to know, you learn in the three webisodes on the site. The project was financed by Whedon, who came up with the idea with his brothers (Zach and Jed) and wrote the series during the writer’s strike, essentially creating his own studio.

Boobtube favourite Neil Patrick Harris plays the eponymous Dr. Horrible, an aspiring super villain with dreams of entering the Evil League of Evil. We already love him on How I Met Your Mother, where he takes the one-note character of Barney, the suited-up man whore and sings that one note in a way that deserves a standing ovation. Speaking of singing. . . he does here. Cuz this is a musical.

Once upon a time on the late lamented (before it started sucking) fametracker, when Harris was doing Broadway, some snarky poster commented that the most Neil Patrick Harris could hope for, as far as reviews went, was “deliciously Doogient.” Not sure what musical that was for, but he definitely deserves rave reviews for his performance in this goofy little project. Harris is openly gay, but here, as with Barney, he makes you believe he longs for the girl of his dreams, pining for a damsel who will help him change his ways. In both roles, he does a pretty excellent job of being the “bad” guy with a heart of, well, not gold. Brass, maybe.

We at Boobtube are also fans of Nathan Fillion. Big fans. He really needs a show we can get behind that a network won’t cancel. Here, he’s Captain Hammer (Corporate Tool, as Dr. Horrible brands him), a hammy, egotistical, hair-blowing-in-the-breeze superhero who saves the day and gets the girl. And then as sex with her, as he is fond of reminding the audience.

Felicia Day (who had a small role in the final season of Whedon’s Buffy as potential slayer Vi) stars as Penny, the sweet girl at the laundromat. Dr. Horrible has a crush on her. She’s a volunteer at Caring Hands homeless shelter and sees the good in everyone. Even the high on himself Captain Hammer and the nervous wreck Billy, Dr. Horrible’s alter ego.

We aren’t going to tell you more than that, but you really need to go see this now, because tonight is the last night it’s available for free from hulu. You can download the series from iTunes or, if you’re late to the game, wait for the promised feature-packed DVD.

 

What happens in Vegas needs to hurry up and happen cuz CSI is winding down

Two words: CSI Toronto. Hear me out! Come on, Bruckheimer. You know you want to! Go North, young man.

Yeeoooooooowwwwwwwwwww! (That was my patented Roger Daltry scream to signify that the teaser is over and the real show is about to begin.)

Soooo…. Grissom is calling it quits. Yup. William Peterson will appear in ten episodes of CSI this year before he’s out for good. Well, he’ll still make guest appearances and the like. You know. Because he can’t totally cut the labcoat strings.

What we’re sayin’ is, better dust off that resume, Helgenberger.

 

Sarah Haskins Shoots Back.

So in between sneaking around the Ugly Betty set and tagging historic buildings with “I hate puppies…and The Ghost Whisperer” in Tagalog, Tanis told y’all about what she wishes were on TV. Her choice was the Pot Psychology series on Jezebel and I wholeheartedly agree. Love Rich and love Jez’s Slut Machine. But what else do I wish were on TV?

 

Ugly rumours

Hoooboy.

Christopher Gorham and Freddy Rodriguez must have been surprised to hear Ugly Betty creator Silvio Horta’s proclamation that the actors were “all moving” and “all excited.”

The show is moving production from LA to New York, which is awesome for the realism of the show. It’s always nice when a show is shot where it’s based. HOWEVER. . . Christopher Gorham has signed on to Harper’s Island and won’t return this season. I don’t know much about this new show, except there’s an island. And it’s mysterious. And how come that sounds familiar? Oh. Right. Riiiiiiight.

Freddy Rodriguez, on the other hand, has elected to do one episode and then do more feature films. And if that translates to more movies where he’s hot and kicks ass and kills zombies . . . I’m down. I confess my crush on him and fully admit that he was one of the things that saved this season for me.

And they’re bringing in Val Emmich to play Betty’s NEW love interest.

I know this is essentially a soap opera, and it’s a pretty damn entertaining one, but my suspension of disbelief is stretched  too thin. Unless they ugly this guy up, this will make three hot guys who stumped for Betty’s attentions and one ugly guy. This is the FOURTH DUDE who’s been like “Oh, Betty! Though I could be banging models, we’re pretending I’m as ugly as you are for the sake of ‘Must give Betty a love interest.’ ” I started out loving Henry, then had enough when the baby mama drama started. Gio was a peach. I don’t want to see him break Betty’s heart or her break his. Please, show. No more character assassination. I really liked Gio. And even though I’m 99% sure they didn’t intend to have Betty go off to Rome with him, I almost hope she did. Everybody should get to have one mediterranean fling with a hot-ass hottie. Even Ugly Betty.

This Val guy, I recall him from 30 Rock as Liz’s young boyfriend. He a’ight. I guess.

***

I watched an interview with How I Met Your Mother’s Josh Radnor recently and he said they filmed Sarah Chalke’s character saying “yes” and “no” to Ted’s proposal. I think it’s a yes and this season will see a schmoopy love affair leading to the eventual breakup and leading to the revealation of the mother. But I can’t pretend I care about that as much as I care about how they’ll play the Robin and Barney developments. And the development where I’m amazed I still like all the characters equally after four years and think Lily and Marshall don’t get their due. Jason Segal is hilarity itself.

***

Don’t count Professor Jay Mohr out of Ghost Whisperer’s cast just yet. I saw a clip of his new show, Project Gary, is perhaps the shittiest CBS sitcom I’ve ever seen. Shittier, even, than Two and a Half Men. So, you know, pretty shitty. (I had to clarify that it was CBS, because ABC still takes the cake for premiering Cavemen and Carpoolers in the same season.) I don’t know what to think about that. It could mean America will love it. Because, you know, Two and a Half Men still exists. It could also mean Professor Jay Mohr will be back. From the grave? I guess we’ll have to tune in to Ghost Whisperer next season to find out. I can’t believe I’m intrigued by a plot point on this show. I hate myself for it. I’m totally going down a shame spiral right now. I’m going to have to pop in my Arrested Development DVDs to make up for this.

 

Return of the Team: Ghost Whisperer, summer shows, and gossip.

Hey, y’all!

As you probably can guess, I started a new semester and then promptly buried myself in schoolwork. And then Tanis had to fight off creepy handsy dudes while that webslinging menace is still on the loose. Jess, our spiritual adviser, is on the lam for a little bit. Besides that, things will be a little slower this season–we’re not going to do Golden Moments regularly again until the new TV season starts. But we do have many things to talk about. Tanis and I will be telling y’all what we wish was on TV [see Tanis's post here], I will get your TV questions answered finally AND I will recap some episodes of Ghost Whisperer. Tanis was cursed in Tagalog–I wonder what reaction I’ll get…

Speaking of that show, Perez Hilton thinks you guys don’t exist. In a post about Jamie Kennedy joining the cast, the gossip blogger describes the show as “…the Jennifer Love Hewitt TV show no one watches but is still on the air!” Mind you, this is the same person who didn’t understand why Nickelback would be signed to a Live Nation deal. (I’m not exactly their biggest fan, either, but they’ve been very successful–their 2005 album All the Right Reasons is the only album released that year or since to sell more than six million copies.) Oh and apparently, Castro’s not dead yet. So basically, take it all with a grain of salt. Wwtdd.com’s Brendan recently said (regarding Hilton’s kerfuffle with Lily Allen), “Everyone does know that Perez makes up his inside sources, right? He just makes shit up. If he doesn’t like you, he pretends he has inside sources and then talks shit about you. I talk to producers and actors all the time, I’m repped by a major major major agency as a screenwriter, yet no one ever tells me shit…If you don’t kiss up to Perez like Paris Hilton does, he attacks you.”

Just like us! Except substitute “kiss up” with “entertain us and/or make sense.” See ya in a bit!

 

Everybody must get stoned - Pot Psychology, get on mah TV!

Oh Lawd! Will the summer TV doldrums never end? Here are some things that have been occupying the mindspace I usually take up with obsessively watching Heroes or Battlestar Galactica. Or Ghost Whisperer.

First, a new feature here at boob tube: Stuff we wish was on TV.

Why isn’t Jezebel’s Pot Psychology on my TV? Is it because they discuss real life problems and real life sex using real life language? While stoned? Oh. Stupid censors.

Rich from Four-Four (his Project Runway recaps are the best in the bloggin’ biz - sorry TWoP, you suck now.)  and Tracie “Slut Machine” Egan get stoned and answer questions readers send in. While high. Some episodes are higher than others. Like this episode, they seemed really high. Sometimes, Sasha Frere-Jones joins in on the fun, but doesn’t say much.

Best line of the episode? The question from a viewer/reader: “How much coke is too much coke?” Tracie: “There’s never enough coke. That’s why you shouldn’t do it.” HA! It’s funny cuz it’s true. Uh, I mean, don’t do drugs, kids! Except pot. That’s OK.

I really like the frank, bordering on gross discussions about sex. Sex is sex. Everyone has it, but nobody talks about it. They answer questions you’re too embarrassed to ask and, more importantly, tell you not to be embarrassed about it. In the last installment of Pot Psychology, Tracie and Rich busted out with a little Salt N’ Pepa. Spinderella cut it up one time. Ooh-Ooh-Ooooh!

At any rate, I’m extremely happy that Jezebel exists online, I just wish I could also buy it in print form and carry it around. Or watch it on TV. But I probably wouldn’t like it if I could get it. But that’s the great thing about being a foul-mouthed, dirty, too-sarcastic, hyper-critical, media obsessed bitch: you’re pretty much entirely free to write whatever you want online because the mainstream media is scared of you. Or that’s what I tell myself as I eat my ramen by myself.

Keep up the good work, Jezebel!

**********

The SECOND thing I’ve been thinking about lately, is the last episode of Ghost Whisperer this season.